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feeling lost & alone
September 26, 2006
3:50 pm
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destined2balone
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Taj-I absolutely hear what you are saying. You are so right, Love is not about feeling insecure or anxious. You just know it and are at peace with it. I know I have to back off & I know it will be hard for me and her. I had asked her on Fri if she wanted me to back off & she said "I don't know what I want". She said part of her wanted me to back off & part of her didn't want me to back off. I guess I am going to have to be the one to make the decision, which means not seeing her so much and definitley not talking as much as we do or texting as much as we do or even instant messaging as much. We text ALOT! I had 500 free text messages and we went over that by 500 in less than a month! How do I tell her that I need to back off on how much we talk? I'm not good at that part. I love talking to her & I will miss it. She calls me pretty much every night as she is crawling into bed. Why can't I just view this as what it is-dating? I have never just dated before-it is hard. She just wants to date right now & not get into anything heavy-we aren't even being intimate. I feel like I am the one ruining it because I want more & she isn't ready for more. On the bright side of things-I have an appt for Sat a.m. with the psychiatrist that deals with codependency. Hopefully I will feel comfortable with him.

September 26, 2006
5:34 pm
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taj64
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Hi. You want more. She cannot give you more. You will not be able to settle for less. The more attention you that you will not get, the more anxious you will become. You're not going to be able to taper off. Feelings only taper when you put distance completely. talking to her, seeing her, is the draw for you, this is very clear to me. I personally feel you are addicted to this person which strangely enough is not really love. Im no expert on pysch but I can see addicted because you are basing your life on what she can give you and give you a high but only briefly, then you are on a low because. It is quite a rollercoaster ride. You are in denial, I think anyway. She is stringing you like yo-yo. In order to stop the dance you change partners or get off the floor, or the dance continues. This happen when one of the partners does not want to dance. I hope your counselor helps you. Let me know how you do. I feel for you and understand your feelings so well. Sorry for harsh but try to be realistic and not fantasy. She is not treating you well at all by leading you on this way.

September 26, 2006
8:55 pm
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elizabeth anne
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"patience is a virtue" You seem very anxious, and live by her rules...Perhaps she knows how predictable you are... Perhaps she will see another side of you, when you become a little more unpredictable.. Perhaps that takes enough control on your part to know the difference..

Perhaps you can take control and realize as hard as it is to give her what she and you both need... Space for you and her both... By constantly being in the same dance... where is it going??? The same bull***t... Take a breather, perhaps you will get a better perspective once you take yourself out of the chaos....

September 27, 2006
9:56 am
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destined2balone
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Taj-I almost feel like I am addicted to her-I have NEVER felt this way before & it scares me to death. We had an incident last night. There is a weekly social group dinner and this week she invited a friend and her 2 male friends. I got insanely jealous because she has always requested that I sit next to her. Last night she chose to sit on the opposite side of the table next to the other woman. I freaked out. A friend of mine was there and I was on the verge of tears. We went in the bathroom & my friend tried to give me a talking to. I knew "T" had to have known I was upset and she never came in to see if I was ok. I barely said two words to anyone except my friend who was trying to keep me calm. I kept staring at "T" and she wouldn't look at me. I told my friend this & she got mad at me & told me to stop being manipulative and to quit playing games & stop being immature. That really hit home & made me stop & think. I had driven with "T" and I didn't say a word on the way back to her house. She asked if I was coming in & I said no, I think I should leave & started walking to my car. She said "without saying goodbye?" I then told her I was feeling things that I was trying to deal with. She gave the keys to her daughter & told her to go inside. I broke down crying and told her what I was feeling & that she did nothing wrong & that yes, I coudl easily try to reverse the blame on her but I knew I couldn't do that. I told her I was falling in love with her & that I didn't know how to stop or what to do. I told her I have tried to stop, I have tried not to think of her in that way, I have tried to push her away. She said "how about not fighting it?" We talked for a long time and she still says she isn't ready for anything yet but what she needs from me is patience, to give it time. She needs to heal first and then we can see. I told her I hated feeling this out of control with my emotions and I hated pouring my guts out to her but she says she wants me to be honest & upfront about what I feel. I told her the only solution I could see to stop myself from falling any further was to not see her but I don't wnat to choose that option. She freaked out & said "no, no, I can't not see you". She asked me if it didn't mean soemthing that I am the person she calls when she has soemthing to tell or that I am the first one she texts in the a.m. or that I am the only one she calls all the time. She hates calling other people and usually doesn't but she calls me all the time. She talks to me the very last thing at night. I told her yes, that does mean alot to me. She said she thinks about me alot. I told her I knew she had an ad on one of the dating services and she said she is only looking to make friends & she isn't dating anyone else-she asked me if I knew that. I said no. She said she does go on there alot and look for friends and that she needs her friends & I need to be ok with that. So based on everything that came out last night, I think what elizabeth anne says may be the best thing....to take control and give both of us some space so maybe I can get a better perspective on things. I am going to date other people if I can but leave some space in my heart for "T". I think I may go visit a friend just to get away for a weekend. I am hoping this Dr can help me get a grip also.
Let me ask those of you who have dealt with codependency-is it hard to deal with not being that way? Is it a painful process? Is it a long process? What am I in for? Any perspective can help!

September 27, 2006
11:52 am
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taj64
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Listened destined2balone, I know Elizabethe Anne has some great advice here. Unfortunately knowing your situation, this is only going to prolong the inevitable, that she is NOT good for you. Im not saying she is not a good person. Im saying she is NOT a healthy person for YOU. In the long run you will do better if you give it permanent space. I see that "T" is feeling way too guilty and not being honest with you. That statement she is repeating to you...Im not ready means Im not available. It is indeed a painful process to go through a breakup but the way I see it you are not even really in a relationship with her to begin with. The first few weeks, the first few months may feel really bad but it will indeed fade. Give yourself time. You're going to give yourself a very rough ride if you do not STOP this relationship entirely. i cannot write too much more. I've pretty much repeating myself here but I do encourage you if it doesn't seem like it, rather harsh, but I think you will see things in more perspective if you follow along the line that this is OVER and not to give space to buy you more time, to see if things change. Otherwise you're holding off during this time in hope of a reconcilation only to be in the same situation. I really do not see a great future for you with her, but that is just my opinion. Im no psyhic but just you describing her behavior is telling me, that she is NOT being honest. She should tell you, NO. SHe is avoiding something and she is being unfair to you to keep this hold on. It is completey selfish. Of course it will be a bit of a long process to heal. It will get better though. I wish you a lot of luck. You will be just fine in time.

September 27, 2006
12:35 pm
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TryingToLetGoAndMoveOn
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I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly how you feel. It definitely is a very vicious cycle indeed. Just try to concentrate more on yourself, rather then her.

As, I also still have the problem of worrying about other people, and their feelings as well. So, I do know how you feel, and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Take care.

Trying.

September 27, 2006
12:58 pm
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taj64
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Yes I have a problem worrying about people. Jeez, I go to bed worrying about all my friends on AAC. It means I do not have a life. Right now, I concentrate on helping others because it keeps me strong and on the right path. My life is more peaceful. Maybe not the happiest but not in chaos either. So choose the peace rather than the chaos. Living in chaos and in a relationship where you do not get your needs met causes a lot of anxiety and turmoil. It is best to let it go. So you can find peace.

September 27, 2006
1:44 pm
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destined2balone
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I want to thank everyone for your comments, help, suggestions, opinions & what not. It truly has made me think about alot of things. I know it isn't going to be easy dealing with the codependency issues since I have just admitted to them. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I do believe "T" is in my life for a reason, not just passing through it but to teach me something. When it comes to relationships, I have never been patient. I have always led with my heart, jumped right in, moved too fast and gotten hurt when lo & behold-they didn't work out. No matter where this journey takes me with "T", I know I will learn from it. The biggest thing right now isn't that she is still healing & only wanting to date. I think that is awesome that she recognizes that & isn't jumping into another relationship. My issue is the feelings, emotions & responses that I am having. These are foreign to me & they scare me, regardless of whether I know I shouldn't be with her or not. My fear is I have a tendency to base my validation on others feelings for me, I get my happiness from them & not from myself. I have had similar, very mild responses in other relationships but never to this extreme.
No one really answered my previous questions of is it hard to deal with not being codependent? Is it a painful process? Is it a long process? What am I in for?

September 27, 2006
2:06 pm
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taj64
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I felt the same way about my ex, that he came into my life for a reason. I also had never experienced all those strong feelings even after I had many many experiences. It is extreme mostly because it is unhealthy. I think and said it earlier, you are in complete denial. I odn't mean to sound harsh but acceptance would go a long way. She wants her cake and eat it too. Sorry to be blunt but she appears to want you on the side. And you are very willing to settle for side. Codependency is not painful but coming up with past issues is. Become aware, though hard is good step. Codependence is a life long process. Some people are more codepedent than others. And I read that almost everyone is codependentn to some degree. I wish you luck on your path to growth. Expecting your relationship to work based on learning to break away from codependency is not going to make this happen. Do it for yourself and yourself only.

September 28, 2006
9:52 am
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cammyjo
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How are you doing Destined? Bless your heart Taj, you are truly such a loving and courageous woman, Thanks for being there.

Destined, sorry this gal has not worked out for you, and it is getting rather obvious that she is "playing" you. Probably not in a cruel way that some might think, but I admit I recognize some things that I was so good at myself. I could keep stringing a man along, knowing that I was not going to make a committment to the relationship, but it felt good to have someone there. I could picture myself as "Jane" swinging thru the jungle in search of my "Tarzan". Never willing to let go of the vine I had in my hand until I could grab the next vine to swing on. I kind of see her holding on to you, because you make her feel good, but knowing you are not "it". As soon as she can set a hook in someone else that looks promising, she will let you go. The choice is yours, not hers, stop asking for her permission to leave, she will not give it to you.

As far as the pain, your damn right it is going to hurt, hurts you now doesn't it. Can you see your choices in this? Break it off, get support from people who care to get thru it. or..."Maybe I can just do this gradually, taper off, and it won't hurt as bad"...as my Dad would say " so are you going to cut your arm off with a butter knife" or... just keep going on as is trying to make this the most wonderful, meaningful relationship of your life, until she dumps you for someone else. Which in that case you could possibly experience some good old suicidal/homicidal feelings.

I know you, and many others might read this and become appalled at what may look like a lack of compassion, that how could someone come on this board and post this kind of message. I know many of us may come here for kind words and coddling because we aren't getting it at home, and need kind words of encouragement. I am all for that!!! Please look deeper, you have people that care and love you, even right here on this site!

I have never met you, but your words touched me somehow, they said "I'm someone special" I maybe a nameless,faceless "whatever" to you, but I want to stand for you, and help support you in getting what you want out of life. You don't deserve the crap she is dishing up for you.

now I will shut up and give you a hug CJ

September 28, 2006
9:58 am
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taj64
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Man, that post was something powerful and amazing, CammyJo.

September 29, 2006
8:55 am
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destined2balone
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Ditto that CJ-I did not think for a minute it was harsh. I so appreciate everyones candor. I feel like you all are my mentors-you are further along in your journey than I am.
I kinda had a meltdown Tues night with "T". We stood in the middle of the road in front of her house and talked, cried, hugged & talked some more. We talked in depth through instant message yesterday & a little last night. "T" is very religious and I know she doesn't lie. She has only been out for 3 years (she was married to a man for 19 years). She doesn't have alot of experience with this and her first real love broke her heart & the one after that used her for sex & constantly put her down. We talked about her hiding behind the hurt because she doesn't want to put herself out there & get hurt again. I shared my experiences when my 7 year relationship split up. She told me she feels like it is all or nothing with me-that either we have a full blown committed relationship or we just be friends. I apologized for coming off that way. I explained as much as I would like a relationship right now....I know I am not ready either. She still says I am everything she wants-she didn't lie about that. Everytime she feels us getting close-she gets scared. She asked me to be patient and said there are some things she has to deal with first. I have to decide if I am willing to be patient. In the meantime, I have my own things to work on. My extreme jealousy for one and my codependency. I do want to continue seeing her and I need to view it as what it is....dating & having fun. We are not being intimate, which is a good thing so more emotions don't get involved. I have never dated so this is all new to me also. I feel we have so much to teach each other and I could learn from her as well as she could learn from me. One of my best friends is an ex of mine. I was talking to her last night about what happened Tues night. She asked me why I do this. Why do I have to get heavy so quickly-why can't I just have fun with it & be light-hearted about it. She says that is why I scare so many women off-I want too much too soon. I respect her opinion. I kinda did the same thing with her. We were friends and I kept pushing it. She kept telling me she couldn't offer me anything more than friendship. I kept pushing her and finally after 2 1/2 months, she figured what the heck. We got into a relationship. We were never in love, never had chemistry but felt we loved each other enough and respected each other enough that it could work. It lasted 2 years until she met someone that she actually had chemistry with & she cheated on me. I forgave her & she is my best friend & I love her partner dearly. "T" and I aren't done talking about it. I have realized that I want to be loved so badly & to love someone so badly that I am trying to force it. I can't do that-it has to come in its own time & naturally. I am just so afraid of dying alone....

September 29, 2006
9:38 am
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cammyjo
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Hi Destined

I have noticed that you keep bringing that up "afraid of dying alone", could you elaborate and describe what that means to you? Are you more afraid to " be alive alone"?
This may sound off the wall, but are you having premonitions that something will happen to you soon and you must hurry up and find someone to be there for you?

hugs to you
CJ

September 29, 2006
10:05 am
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taj64
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Keep focusing on your needs and learn to love yourself. Read lots of books on codependency. Take this time to learn about you. Living alone is not so bad if you are in tune with yourself. Surrounding yourself around people that make themselves unavailable is causing you this fear of being alone. Relying on someone else to fill the void, is not too healthy. I think it is very good that you realize you feel desperate. At least you know what you are working with. Just keep doing tihngs for yourself even if they seem strange. It is new to try to be happy to be alone.

September 29, 2006
12:26 pm
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destined2balone
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CJ-no I don't have a premonition but it has long been a fear of mine to be abandoned or to die alone. I have seen too many people left to die in nursing homes & no one ever comes to visit them. I am not close to my brothers so once my parents are gone, I know I will be lucky to have contact with them once a year. Part of it is not wanting to be alone at all. I know it is unhealthy to look at other people to fill the void or to make me feel whole but I don't know why I can't seem to be happy being by myself. I am ok for awhile & then I get ansy. I have been single since Jan. & it is the longest I have been without a girlfriend. I'm not one that needs alot of people around or that always has to be out doing things but I do need someone to call my own. Or at least I think I do. My best friend is going to be moving back to WV and my other best friend lives in FL. I have one other friend I hang out with & we don't see each other much as she has a full plate with school, work, her father being ill. I feel very alone. I have tried to meet people but there aren't alot of venues to meet other gay women in my area. I have even paid to put an ad on a dating website to try & find friends-still not meeting anyone. "T" & I IM'd earlier today & in the course of the conversation i told her that i realize as much as I may want a relationship, I know I am not ready for one but that I do want to continue to date her. She said she wants to date me to but then when she thinks about my reaction Tues night at the group dinner, she gets scared. Her friend asked if she should be talking to her and "T" doesn't want her friends to get scared off my my behavior. She stressed that she is ONLY a friend. I told her I felt bad about the way I behaved & that it was juvenile of me. But, deep inside, I know I would act that way again & I am terrified. I am hoping the Dr I see tomorrow morning can help me to divert my thinking. My biggest issue is I misunderstand or assume things & then get myself all upset & usually for nothing. "T" said she can't always try to analyze a situation & head it off at the pass and I said she shouldn't have to.
Taj-I am going to the library this weekend to get a book on codependency. I know, logically, what I need to do but it is getting my emotions to follow suit. I know I need to be happy without having to be "attached" to someone in a relationship. I need to not seem so desperate or needy. I need to figure out where this void comes from & why I feel I have to fill it with a partner. Knowing all of these things is easy.....doing them is not.

October 3, 2006
10:26 am
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destined2balone
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I need you guys to keep writing stuff-it really helps me.
I was supposed to start group therapy this a.m., however, as luck would have it, one of my co-workers is in that group so I had to leave & will go to one tomorrow. I met with the Dr and he seems to think he can help me. He says I have problems with intimacy, which I never would have thought. He said it takes about 3 years to reach inner peace.
I went over to "T"'s house after I saw him & told her a little bit about it. I then asked her if I have pushed her so far away that we can't get back to where we were. She said "probably not". I was happy with that. I had noticed that she has stopped kissing me, which I thought was strange since that Tues night when I acted out and we talked, she kissed me but not since then. She has hugged me though. I got a little upset this a.m. but caught myself right away. After I found out I knew someone in the group, I tried calling her on her cell-no answer. I tried calling on her home phone-no answer. I tried texting her-no answer. I got to work & logged on the computer & she was online. I sent her an IM asking if she was ignoring me. She said she thought I was in group. I explained that I tried to call both her home & her cell phone & texted her. She asked if I was mad at her. I said a little. She tried to explain why she didn't answer the phones & i wasn't texting anything back so she said I will clal you later & got offline real quick. So, I called her & apologized. I told her I got upset cuz I needed to talk to her & couldn't reach her. I could tell she was still ticked off. I said please don't be mad and she kinda snapped at me & said give me a little bit to get over it. We talked about the group & what happened and then she seemed ok. After we got off the phone, I texted her & said I wasn't mad, I was scared. She texted back that we would talk about it later. I then asked her if she trusted me. She said "not sure". 🙁 I am such an idiot....

October 3, 2006
4:44 pm
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destined2balone
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Well-I managed to do what i was trying so ahrd NOT to do-I pushed her totally away. Apparently she was quite upset about what happened this a.m. She said she just wants to be friends & she will stand by my side until I get on new meds & then we will see. She said she has been through this before & got burned & she won't do it again. She doesn't need the rollercoaster ride & to put her heart out there. She says I have no trust and until i can show her I trust her, she can't be anything more than a friend. I am crushed, devastated but can't say that i blame her. I am so f***ed up about this-I just want to die...

October 4, 2006
8:02 am
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cammyjo
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Destined

Love is patient, Love is kind. All loving thoughts are true, fear is an illusion.

I still feel that she is stringing you out.

You seemed to exhibit some pretty stong control issues, and it makes me think you would have wanted her to respond to you like a codependent. What if she would have responded to you in a rash of apologies, and felt guilty for not picking up her phone on the first ring, and promised to never do that to you again. Would that have calmed all you fears that you have illusioned in your own mind? Would she have fed into your control issues, so you could think, "hey, that worked, I got what I wanted, I'll have to remember that tactic so I can use it again"

Kudos for you not to go to the group meeting when you felt that the person there was going to interfere with your ability to be open and comfortable.

I'd be interested in exploring the "inner peace" your Doctor spoke about, don't mean to sound nosey or pushy. But I would like to support you in obtaining that.

CJ

October 4, 2006
10:31 am
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destined2balone
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Thanks CJ-I need all the support I can get right now. You are not being nosey or pushy at all. I asked to meet with the Dr one & one this a.m. I told him what happened yesterday & how I feel so out of control. He said group will help with those feelings. He feels "T" has codependency issues of her own because he said a healthy person would have cut off all ties with me. I disagree. We were only casually dating and she truly likes me & wants to keep me as a friend & I see nothing wrong with that. Also-she believes that a change in meds will help & why should she totally abandon me if I act better on new meds? I went through this years ago when I was on prozac. I was fine for about 12 years & then I started to freak out about stuff like I am now. They switched me to luvox & I have been fine for a year and a 1/2 & then I started to notice I was crying all the time, depressed & suicidal. That is why I went to this Dr & he said luvox is not for me. My logical mind knows how I should act & what I should or shouldn't do but that impulsive side acts out. He said it is all low self esteem issues. Always thinking the worst, not able to trust, etc. I am going to group at 11 today. He said he doesn't care what thoughts people have-he cares about whether they act on them. He also told me to date different people, not just 1 as I will only focus on that 1. I already figured that part out so I have a couple of ads out on different dating sites.
Youa re right CJ, when you said would she have fed into my control issues had she apologized. Yes, she would have & I would have probably done it again. By her saying I will not put up with this treatment-she is actually helping me to face things. I'm sure she is codependent as well-just not as bad as me. The Dr said if we are only dating, we shouldn't be talking as much as we do. She would text me every a.m. when she got up, several times throughout the day, she would IM me most days & always call before she went to bed. Now, she did call me as she was getting into bed last night. I didn't think I would ehar from her for a couple of days. He said to let her initiate the contact for a couple of days-to give her some space. He said by my reaction yesterday a.m.-I was smothering her. I wasn't intentionally trying to control her-I just got scared when I couldn't get in touch-my first thought was that she was deliberately ignoring me. Why I would think that I don't know-she never has before. That is where she says I don't trust her. I know I have alot of work to do-I just don't know if I have the energy or willpower to do it.

October 4, 2006
5:02 pm
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taj64
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Hi, it's me. Been on a break. Im still in your corner.

Your therapist is leading you in good direction. But I still see this person T as an unhealthy relationship for you. In my opinion, she won't break up with you because she doesnt want to hurt you. That is good of her on one hand. She wants to wait and see, just like you. These fear feelings you have are because you know this is not good, that you do not trust her. Your therapist is not going to come out and say break up with her. They cannot do that. They can tell you to date others though. It is so that you can compare and also take all the focus off this one person that you are too attached to. IT works to a degree. Unfortunately at this point today, everyone is not going to seem as wonderful as T because everyone is going to seem like a bore or you are not attracted.

I happen to agree with CJ in that she is stringing you along at every stage of this game. She doesn't want to do the dirty work of breaking it off like a healthy person would do or a person that truly wants the best for you.

I can understand the therapist saying that you are in dating stage of the relationship and all the stuff you do is what is past the dating relationship, all the excessive phone calls emails. It appears to me that there has to be a lot of contact throughout the day to keep this relationship going and that if no contact is made even after a few hours, then there is a loss of control. This is really not healthy. Your life is totally focused on how this relationship is going to turn out.

What the doctor said about giving 3 years to find inner peace is probably right on. You're not going to find inner peace in this relationship. It is being ruled by fear. Fear of losing her, fear of not having her attention and in the end you will lose yourself.

Why should you trust T? I don't see a reason to trust her. Your instincts are correct but you are blaming yourself for lack of trust. why do you really want to be with a person that makes you feel insecure and like an idiot and make you feel like an untrustworthy friend? I cannot see you hanging on to her just to be friends. These kinds of friends are so draining. No wonder you're so tired. Are you not tired of this relationship? It is mental and physically draining you and will make you sick if you don't already.

Please take care of yourself and your needs first. Take the focus off her and put it on yourself. It definately is a rough ride in the beginning but in the long run, you will be a stronger person and possibly find someone who is MUCH better for you, someone emotionally available and won't make you afraid the way she doesnt - love is patient and kind, like CJ says above. True love is nothing to be afraid of. I cant tell you to break up with her anymore than your therapist. It truly is your decision. I can tell you that I have been there and it is a very long process to heal from this type of addiction to a person. It doesn't take weeks or months. For me, it will be probably just as that therapist said 3 years. It slowly gets better.

But I look back and I can still feel those pangs just as you desribed only I was living that way all the time and there is NO WAY I would ever go back to that life.

For me it was a matter of NO CONTACT. It has been over a year for me of no contact. Im still not completely over but to go back would be to relive a very horrible experience and that is love addiction.

And like any addiction, you are sucked in completely. The high was high, the low was low. Everything was depended on how he was with me. And to do that again in my life is not respecting myself.

Ask me how I know, cause I read your post, and feel your feelings. sometiems experiences from others are your best teachers and of course along with your therapist. It goes hand in hand.

Feeling the pain of the loss was the only way I was going to be able to be able to go on. It truly was like a death for me. Only he is still living out there somewhere. I figure if your therapist is correct about the three years then I am home free then. The first year is hard, the second one will be better and the third year my love will fade away but never completely forgotten. And only by then could I be totally ready for something else.

Sorry this is so long but the words came freely. Sometimes they do not but this one I can understand.

October 4, 2006
9:25 pm
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cammyjo
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That was very well put Taj, I have to ditto you on that. I agree the Doc has offered some good direction, especially about the calls, and messages, and level of communication for two folks that are just dating.

Let her initiate,(if of course this is what you want Destiny)

I also have an intimacy issue, and can totally relate to the low self esteem thing.

I will be moving today and tomorrow so after I unhook the computer I will be out of touch until Friday.
I'll get back on as soon as I can.

Hugs to you CJ

October 6, 2006
9:34 am
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destined2balone
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Hey Taj & CJ-

Actually, the Dr did tell me to break off the friendship with her. I told him I didn't wnat to because if group & the new meds help me to deal with what I am feeling, then I want to give it a chance. That is when he said ok, let her initiate contact, which I have been. He feels she has codependency issues too and that maybe after awhile, I can get her into group. He said people with similar issues tend to get together. Taj, you were right-I am afraid of losing her, afraid of doing something that will continue to push her away & I shouldn't be afraid all of the time. That is why I reacted so badly the night she brought a friend to dinner-I got insanely jealous because I viewed this woman as a threat, that "T" would like her more...all those irrational thoughts. It didn't even occur to me that by acting like that, I would only push her away. All I could think about was that she was sitting away from & next to her so that had to mean that I was being replaced. I can look back on it now & see how insane I was but that night, I was consumed by jealously. I did give her the choice of me walking away completely but I know that isn't what she wants. She ahs told me several times that she needs me & can't bear the thought of us never talking again. That is one reason she was afraid of us getting into a relationship-if things didn't work out, she was worried I would never speak to her again & she didn't wnat to lose me. I told her the only reason I would never speak to her again is if she cheated on me & she is NOT a cheater. She is too religious for that. Taj-you also worded it perfectly when you said "Everything was depended on how he was with me". That is how I often feel in relationships-everything is dependent on how they are with me. If they had a bad day at work, I took it personally. If they didn't react to a card or flowers or a gift the way I thought they should, I got upset. I am trying to be more conscious of my feelings & adjust my thinking patterns & not just with her. I had a response to my ad on one of the dating sites. I emailed the woman back and I didn't get a response the very next night. Typically I would freak out-why isn't she emailing me back, did I say something wrong, does she not like me, etc. This time, I told myself that not everyone has the time to log on their computer several times an evening like I do. Or, not knowing her work schedule, maybe she was working or 50 other reasons why she didn't respond. I kept telling myself not to get upset or freaked out. It paid off-she emailed me late yesterday afternoon from her job. She apologized for not emailing the night before and said she worked late & was very tired when she got home & didn't get on the computer! Perfectly reasonable.
Now, I was in a relationship with someone for 7 years that we felt we were soulmates. We split up in 2001 and subsequently have gone back & forth since then, getting back together 3 more times. Each time, she dumped me. The last time was in Jan. I finally ahd reached my limit. As much as I love this person, I won't let her to continue to do this to me. I cut off all ties. I had to. I left her a letter the day I moved out & told her she was a sociopath & needed help & to never contact me again. I am very weak when it comes to her. She has sent me 2 text messages-I ignored them both, it was hard but I did it. We have a program at work where we log all calls that come in & unless they block their number, their number shows. 4 times now she has called my work phone and hung up without leaving a message. She always calls when she knows I wouldn't be here. She doesn't know that I can see her number. I suspect she is trying to get the nerve to leave a message or she just wants to hear my voice. I still love her but I stopped being in love with her-she killed that. It is hard, I think about her alot but as a therapist told me...it is a grieving process...similar to when someone dies. So Taj, when you say it was like a death to you...in essence, it is. I believe I was addicted to her...I don't feel I am addicted to "T". So, I am following the Dr's suggestion of dating more than 1 person. We will see how it goes.
Have any of you learned what intimacy really is? If so-what is it?

October 7, 2006
11:29 am
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camino
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I just logged in for the first time. Just learning about codependency and going through the break up of a 33 year-long marriage. I always felt so much pressure to conform to my husnad's needs and wants and never satisfying him. I never had enough time for him or energy or love. I am now understanding that it would have been impossible to meet his needs. I am willing to move on without him because the question sis, can I live with a man that I really love but can never satisfy or make happy?

October 7, 2006
3:32 pm
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cammyjo
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Hi Destined

Got the computer hooked up, and right now I am taking a break from unpacking boxes. Feeling frustrated because the weather has been crappy, and I still have things I need to go back and pick up, but can't do it in the rain. Lots of pressure to get things done. I really should get back in the kitchen and put things away, but I was feeling kind of lonely.

I can share with you my thoughts and ideas about intimacy, more defined emotional intimacy. As I have heard it described sharing and expressing your thoughts and feelings with someone close to you, being able to really look inside (into me I see) and let that other person know who you really are. And in turn being there for someone else to do the same. Being able to trust that person with all that, and listening and offering support.

Where as I have trouble in my current relationship because A: my defensive walls that I have put up to protect myself from any hurt, also prevent me from really loving my mate.
B: I am so fear based at most times that I don't want them to know what is truly going on with me, (don't want them to get upset, don't want them to know I am weak at times) cause me to come across as uncaring.
C: the yin and yang, with my inability to express myself of the negative, sadness and disappointments, also comes the inablility to express joy and happiness.

I have at times been described as a person that is walking around "flat-lined" as if I am physically alive but emotionally dead.

I do find that I can be more open and honest with a total stranger than I can with my mate. Of course, that is easy, you don't have to live with them. That really upsets my boyfriend because I have such difficulty doing that with him.

What have you discovered is your difficulty with intimacy. By reading your post it doesn't seem to be an inability to share. Is it your fear? your honesty? What is the root of it, can you break it down?

Hug to you CJ

October 7, 2006
3:43 pm
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StronginHim77
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camino -

I dated a man for nearly two years who was never happy, (unless being drunk & happy on his birthday counts?), never satisfied, no matter WHAT I tried to do to please him. He was a bottomless pit of endless, emotional need. I found out towards the end of our relationship that he has an actual personality disorder: borderline personality. It is a mental illness that will (among other things) cause intense fear of abandonment and endless need for constant reassurance. He sucked me dry, so to speak. I could never do it again. I had NO LIFE. It was always ALL ABOUT HIM. He never met any of my needs...heck,he wasn't even aware that I HAD needs.

No matter how sick or ill or tired or busy I was, he always had to come first. He always needed MORE attention, MORE love, MORE MORE MORE...

I hope you can find a path to peace. You deserve to have YOUR needs met, too.

- Strong

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