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feeling lost & alone
September 20, 2006
11:18 am
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destined2balone
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Hi-this is my first post. I am in a bad place right now. I am 45, a lesbian & I feel more alone than I ever have in my life. I finally realized last night that I am codependent and that is why my relationships don't work. I am interested in someone right now but she has little time for me. I am finding myself hurt all the time and getting anxious & upset when I don't hear from her when I think I should or she doesn't have the reaction i was hoping for when i sent her a dozen pink roses or she won't come right out & say she feels something for me. She has told me she needs to get to know soemone for awhile first and that she knows she likes me alot, wants to spend time with me, feels a connection with me but she won;t come out & say to me what I have said to her-and that is making me nuts. I actually got myself all upset on Sunday because she didn't text me right away when she got up. I was suicidal about it. I know that is crazy & I feel out of control. I am on Luvox but I feel like I can't control my impulses. Logically I know not to say stupid stuff to her but I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. I don't want to lose her but I feel like I have already caused her to pull away. I am afraid of growing old alone & dying alone. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just ended it. I can't stand to live with this pain anymore.....

September 20, 2006
11:27 am
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lovinglife
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Welcome Destiny~

You have found your way to an awesome place...hang in there... this website & the ppl's here have helped me soooo much. You will find some comfort here.

My first post too was filled with pain...am I still in pain- yeah some-but only because I don't want to let go of it..but getting there...am I a little wiser- YOU BET... have new doors been opened for me...YES...now it's just a matter of what I choose to do with what I've learned... and learned alot I have.

Anyhow- once again, welcome.

LL

September 20, 2006
12:01 pm
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taj64
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Hi. Sorry about all that! Being alone is not hard. Feeling alone is! I think it is your gut instinct and that anxiety you feel is telling you that she is not right for you. Not all people you will be interested in will make you feel this way. It is sign that it is telling you that this is not good. i think since you are so depressed about being alone you are grasping for someone, you think would help you but it is not. What is causing you to not enjoy life the way it is, by yourself? Are you sad because you lost something/someone? You're 45 (Im 42 by the way) and you have had a vast experience behind you. Is something that is happening with this new person that is causing you to be upset with your life perhaps that has to do with your past and how you go about with relationship? Im not psychologist/trist but a simple girl who knows exactly what you are feeling. Im sort of in the same boat except that right now I do not have an interest in anyone. I feel very much alone, afraid, isolated, depressed, etc yet there have been plenty of times where I have been alone and not felt this bad. I can only speak for myself but it is because I am holding myself back and not trying anything. I know what i need to do but lack support to do this. I don;t have someone to come home to or friend to call or ANYONE. It has been hard. So I know how you feel. Even when I come to work with people all around, Im basically a survivor who shows up for work. Anyway enuf about me, what I feel for you is that even though you want a relationship with this girl it is not going to happen or be possible even though you wish it would. As much as we wish for some things, it simply cannot be. Accepting this might be your first step. Im not sensing she really wants a relationship with you. Im not sure a friendship would be good for you since your feelings are different than hers and because it causes you to be upset, depressed and anxious. As hard as it is, I think you might be better off ending this. It would be very hard for awhile but it does indeed fade and meanwhile you can work on yourself.

September 21, 2006
3:59 pm
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destined2balone
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Thanks for your kind words LL.
Taj-the problem is I get mixed messages from her. She says she feels a connection with me & gravitates to me. She says I am everything she wants & she sometimes sees visions...she said she sees us living together BUT she also says she is scared. She is really different than anyone I have met & I truly like her so much. I'm just so afraid of screwing it up that I am creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. After apologizing to her Monday night for my erratic behavior the previous couple of days, I was hoping things would be different. I feel like they have changed but it could just be me being paranoid, looking for something that is wrong. She had told me to quit assuming things & to quit thinking because she did or did not do something, that it means something. I feel like she has pulled away from me a bit & I am hoping it is only temporary as I think she got scared this past weekend by my behavior. I am just so tired of being hurt, feeling hurt all the time. I don't mind being by myself but not as much as I am. I really don't know how much longer I can hold on. I ahve begges, pleaded & prayed to my "higher power" to give me just the tiniest sign, one that I would recognize, that would tell me my life will get better or I will meet someone that I can love who will love me back and we will be together-just something to give me a reason to hang on...but...no one is listening....

September 21, 2006
4:09 pm
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atalose
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Welcome destined,

I think you should listen to what she is telling you, really lister. She has told you that she is scared (means = go slow, very slow) She has visions (means= future plans have run through her head) She told you to stop assuming things (always thinking the worst)

Destined, if you truely want a different relationship then you have had in the past, you are going to have to change! It's not that you need to find someone to love you, it's that you first need to love yourself which will then allow someone else to do the same. Your insecurities are pushing her away.

Have you thought of attending a codependant meeting or reading up on the subject. This may help you begin to understand about codep and how it effects your relationships.

Keep posting, keep talking and venting to us here (not her !!! lol)
I'm glad you are here.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 21, 2006
4:22 pm
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taj64
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yes I agree really do listen to what she is saying. Communication is 2 way street. Not only do we have to listen to what we are saying and speaking what we want but we have to listen to what the other wants and respect it even if we don't agree or it is not what we want. Sometimes it is so darn hard to be patient but that is the answer to be patient, slow down. What is the real hurry anyway. take your time.

September 21, 2006
4:35 pm
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cammyjo
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Dear Destined

After reading your letters, I felt that you are a very caring and loving woman, and someone that is certainly worth getting to know, however I would have to tell you that you would scare me off also.

I believe your higher power is in fact listening to you, you seem to be in a big hurry to fill this void. Take a deep breath and try to practice some patience with your new friend and your higher power.

I also wanted to acknowledge Taj, what a great post, she sounds like someone I would love to sit down and share a cup of coffee with.

September 21, 2006
7:17 pm
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taj64
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I love that name CammyJo. It almost sounds like SammyJo from that long time ago soap, was it Dynasty? Hmmm don't know and has nothing to do with this thread. Sorry.

You do seem very caring Destined. And now that you wrote back, it sounds as if your friend really does want a relationship. But are you ready for it if you are already suffering this way? You dont appear to be totally comfortable with yourself, like a need for love. Well i would take it slow (said it again) and then see what happens if you do that. If you find yourself too anxious liek this that is a sign that maybe this person is not for you. And it is quite possible that she is not ready either, if she is so unsure. Time will tell.

September 22, 2006
12:03 pm
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destined2balone
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atalose-yes, I am checking into going to a codependent group. A friend of mine gave me a Dr's name that specializes in it. I think part of the problem is a prior relationship I had for 7 years was a very close & probably unhealthy one. She had me convinced we didn't need anyone else but each other. We did everything together, plus worked together & lived together. We had one straight couple that we hung out with and that was it. We truly enjoyed each other's company & got along very well & never tired of each other. She always said she didn't need anyone else but me and I do believe we are soulmates. But, it caused me to depend too much on her for my emtional needs. Now, I find myself looking for that same type of relationship & most "normal" people don't have those types and I don't know any different so it causes me to freak out.
Take last night for example. I wanted to see this woman and I called her after work. She didn't invite me over & that really bothered me & hurt my feelings. I felt like she was kinda hinting for me to come over but she has never had a problem in the past asking me. Finally I asked if I could pick up some chinese & bring it over. She had mentioned she was craving it & had asked if I had dinner plans. I went over there but deliberately wouldn't be affectionate to see if she would since I'm not sure where her head is at. She finally took my hand and said she was cold so I put my arm around her. Towards the end of the evening, she got a call from her ex and she was calling her honey, laughing and saying you're so cute & stuff like that. I got really jealous. Her ex lives out of state. Since the incident last weekend, she has ceased calling me sweetie & honey but she did say something on the phone earlier to me where she said "you're so cute". I just kinda felt like I'm nothing special, she says that to everyone. I got myself all upset on the way home & cried. She asked me to call her when I got home & I did. We spoke for awhile before bed. I'm trying so hard to shut down my feelings for her but I just can't. Then she tells me she deliberately showered with this perfumed soap that she knows drives me insane. Why would she torment me like that? I know I obsess too much about all of this. I feel so lost....

September 22, 2006
12:26 pm
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taj64
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I think you have a right to be a little anxious. She clearly is sending mixed messages. I can see your dilemma because you really want this relationship but she sort of does and that is NO GOOD for you. Please let this go, for her and for you. She is not ready and you are working yourself up for something that probably isn't going to happen. She is trying to keep you because of the attention you are lavishing on her, she obviously likes it however she cannot return this. I don't like the mixed signals she is sending to you, it is not right, not fair. I would go ahead and do some reading on codependency and counseling, etc and discover you and why you want something so badly that is not quite right for you. You know this, otherwise you would feel secure with this woman and even if she was sending you mixed signals if you were more secure with yourself, you would know without a doubt to not continue with this. A new relationship should start out with promise, hope and feel good. It is not starting out that way at all. You're not quite ready. You need to figure out your past relationship and work on being comfortable with yourself first. Treat yourself good, negate those bad feelings you have about yourself. You were in a relationship for 7 years and that is long time. You've got to learn what went wrong with that one before you can have another one. You can do this if you try. I just see this woman is NOT for you. She is NOT being upfront with you. She is using sexual signals to keep you drawn in but not give you an inch to what she expect on the emotional side of the relationship.

September 22, 2006
1:27 pm
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atalose
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Taj is right, she is clearly sending you mixed signals and that is not fair.

I would back off, make yourself unavailable to her for a while, work on you and your wants and needs. Get busy, find things to do to keep your mind busy, that way you are not obsessing about her. Put all that energy into you.

I would really try and limit contact with her.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 24, 2006
2:32 pm
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destined2balone
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She was my date for a wedding last night & i was nervous how it would go as I saw her Fri and she wasn't affectionate with me at all. We had lunch together & towards the end of it we got into a discussion. I told her I was falling for her & that she knew that. She told me she isn't ready to give her heart to anyone, that it needs a rest as it hasn't totally healed from her last relationship. She told me she didn't think I was ready either. I told her I am ready but that I am a bit gunshy do to what my ex put me through. She said she is gunshy too. Then she said that she feels safe with me, like we are each others safe harbor. She said her heart doesn't feel threatened by me. I got really upset as I interpreted that to mean she could never have feelings for me, therefore, she feels safe. A friend of mine who is very very good at "counseling" said she thinks she meant that she feels safe that I won't hurt her, that she feels that secure with me. I don't know. She hugged me & kissed me and then left to go to work. About 15 min later she called me and said her work called & she was on call until 7pm and would I come over right after work and have dinner with her. Then when she got home, she IM'd me and said she couldn't call me fast enough when she found out she didn't have to go in right away. We went to dinner and then shopping & then back to her house. She wasn't affectionate at all, like I said, until I left. She hugged me for a long time & kissed me (mind you, these are kisses on the lips, no french kisses). She told me to call her when i got home & I did. She asked if she could call me after a show at 11:30. She didn't call. She texted me Sat. morning that she had fallen asleep on the couch & her daughter made her go to bed-she tried callimg my home # and it was busy as I was on the computer. She was too tired to go get her cell phone & fell asleep. Ok-I syated up late putting an ad on true.com. She has an ad on their also. When I checked Sat, one person had viewed it & you can see who views your ad unless they block themselves. She had viewed it! I had a problem posting my pic & had to send it to them to do for me so i don't know if she read it before my pic when up-I think by some things I said, she would have known it was me but maybe not. if my pic was up, then yes, she would know. In my ad I made a comment about being tired of always being the one to initiate affection, bring flowers, cards etc. Well, she was very very affectionate from the time she got to my place until the end of the evening. I could be reading more into it but it did make me wonder if she knew that was my ad & that was why she was doing it. She called me when she got home & said she would call me when she crawled into bed-she didn't. Now-I overanalyze everything but that makes 2 nights in a row now. She has called me every night as she gets into bed since we met. She texted me early this a.m. to say good morning but gave no reason why she didn't call. Ok-I have written a book so I will stop for now. Am I freaking out too much because she said she would call & always ahs in the past but now she has missed 2 nights?

September 24, 2006
3:44 pm
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StronginHim77
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destined -

You are depending upon your contact with this woman for ALL your good feelings. When you "sense" or fear that she is pulling away from you, then you feel bad (scared, anxious, etc.) That is the essence of codependency, so you are in the right place. Alot of us are in varying stages of recovery from codependency.

From what you have shared with us on this thread, (and I do commend you for your humble honesty), you seem to be projecting alot of "neediness." Neediness will repell an emotionally healthy person. No one wants to feel pressured to make phone calls, return phone calls, have each and every conversation analyzed for motivation, hidden messages, etc. In short, your desperation is showing.

I think you should seek out professional, medical support for the depression which you are battling. Your thoughts of suicide, etc. concern me a great deal. Please reach out and get help for this, instead of looking to another PERSON to solve your problem. No one person can "fix" any of us. Each of us has to develop the self-love and self-acceptance to leave peacefully and comfortably -- WITH or WITHOUT having a partner. Being alone should NOT mean being lonely, depressed or miserable.

Lastly, instead of praying frantically to your HP for a partner to "fix" everything, why not try plugging closer into the relationship with your HP? Maybe He IS looking out for your best interests, instead of just giving you what you are asking for. We don't always ask for what is best for us.

- Ma Strong

September 25, 2006
11:34 am
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destined2balone
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Thanks Ma Strong-I am on meds for depression but lately I have been very emotional & crying alot. Don't know if the meds need to be adjusted or if I am perimenopausal. I am going to the Dr to get my hormone level checked soon.
You hit the nail on the head when you said I feel scared or anxious when she pulls away-I do. My stomach gets all in knots and I get myself so upset to the point of crying. I hate feeling like that.
A week ago I had sent this woman an email and she had responded by instant messaging me saying to please quit assuming things. I told her I didn't think she was as into me as I am into her or that she didn't feel a chemistry with me, even though she said she did. She was trying to open up to me, which she said was hard for her to do with anyone. I told her I thought I knew what she was about to say. She asked me what. I said that I was right what I said in my email & she said "nope". I kept saying that I was right & she got upset & said stop with the right & wrong crap. She said she felt like she was under a microscope & what ever action she did or did not do would be interpreted. But what confuses me is she won't give me a direct answer. I said "it is just really hard for me to accept that you don't feel the same way....I'm just blown away by it" She responded with "and i am wandering around in a fog tryng to find my path and it is not there...i thought i knew things, but evidently i dont" I have no idea what the heck that means. Finally I said "it is important to me...am I wasting my time feeling what i am feeling for you?" Her response? "i am scared" "every movement i do, or dont do gets interpreted as a sign" Ok-that didn't answer my question. I told her she was being wishy washy. She said "i did not call you yesterday, that was a sign, i got my dates mixed up, that is a sign...how about talking to me....calling and say, hey" Then she said "sorry, i cant do this, i am trying to open up and you are shutting me down" I told her she sends me mixed messages-telling me I am everything she wants, she sees us living together. I told her she confuses me & beats around the bush & just won't come out & tell me how she feels so I have to make assumptions. She totally ignores all the prior stuff I said but says "that is the part that pissing me off, stop making assumptions....don't assume......what ever you do stop assuming that i did or did not do something meant something....some times it just is." I told her she makes it difficult. She said "well, dont put me into a microscope and analyze my every breath." So, now with all of that history-do you still think it is ALL me? I do know that I am needy & I do realize that I am codependent. I am calling during lunch today to find someone to go see about it but I feel like it will never change. I do want a healthy relationship & she is the very first person who has wanted to take things slow. I'm also not used to that. Last night I prayed again to my HP. I said I wouldn't do that anymore, that if my life didn't change for the better by March 1, I am ending it.

September 25, 2006
12:41 pm
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atalose
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Yes, please do find someone during your lunch to go talk to. I totaly agree with everthing ma strong said. Like many of us, learning about how to have a healthy relationship comes with alot of hurt and pain. But that hurt and pain are survivable, look at many of us here!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 25, 2006
1:08 pm
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taj64
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Hi. You are doing all the work in this relationship, if you can call it a relationship. Please the signs are all there. This is what is causing you to be anxious. The fact that you KNOW this is not good, not going anywhere but instead of feeling disappointed you are terribly hurt. The meds are going to help you with getting you to the point where you can relax. You will learn that this pain is a process and will show you that for next time, that if you feel this needy then you are heading in the wrong direction. You're going to feel secure from the start, nervous of course but sure of yourself. Taking it slow of course is a good thing but becare of when people say this too much because what they are really saying is I cannot be available to you on an emotional level. It is often a warning sign. You can go slow in a relationship but not be insecure about it either. This is a very indirect person you are attached to. The more you attach, the more she withdraws. It is VERY unhealthy. So my suggestion is to now take it slow with yourself. Know you learned a very hard lesson but something good will come of it. You might not know what that is right now but you will when you are feeling better. Right now, your only concern should be to feel good about yourself again. Don't wast your time anymore struggling with this person. She is stringing you along too much.

September 25, 2006
8:18 pm
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destined2balone
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I made the call after work to the Employee Assistance Program number to see about getting into codependency therapy. I'm trying to back away a little bit from her. We met for lunch today as she was upset about a friend that she had hired to remodel her kitchen & who has continuously let her down. She was so supset she was sobbing. Anyway-long story. We met for lunch & talked about other stuff. Now every time I have seen her, we have at least hugged goodbye & she has kissed me on the lips. Today she only hugged me-no kiss. That bothered me. Is that part of my codependency? Or, is it weird that she didn't kiss me? I don't know if I am supposed to question it or not...does that make sense? I don't know if it is normal to wonder why she always has in the past but today she didn't or if I am obsessing.....this is where I feel so out of control.

September 25, 2006
9:38 pm
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taj64
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It is good to read about codependency. I think you are looking for signs. You are reading too much into the relationship. If you were secure in it, you would not be concentrating on her moves and scrutinizing. Keep reading and search but keep the focus on yourself. I went to an employee assistance program at first a year ago when I was a mess. It helped me a lot. That and reading books. A lot came up then and it is always a growing process. I make mistakes, even still, and sometimes I move fowards and sometimes I take a step back. But you learn. I wonder if the two of you talk about your problems or how you feel etc. Is it usually about her problems? Just curious. I remember my counselor trying to steer me away from my relationship without having really telling me to break it off. Eventually I did it but it was not a clean break but a process. I think I did more damage by prolonging it but it was the only way I could do at the time. Everyone has their own way of ending something. Maybe you are not ready.

September 25, 2006
11:01 pm
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atalose
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That's really good you made the call, did you make an appointment? You posted more about her and her behavior at your lunch meeting then you posted about YOU and what YOU are going to do for YOU.
I know you are feeling insecure and scared, that is bringing about all the questions and obsessing. Next time you meet and she does or doesn't do something, turn that question around on you, and write down your feelings at the time. Does it make you scared, alone, sad, everytime you start to obsess about things, start writing your feelings down. Once you begin to understand your feelings, you'll be better able to get them under control.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 26, 2006
9:15 am
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destined2balone
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taj-we have spoken about it & she keeps saying she is scared, she wants to take things slow, etc. I try not to talk about it too much as I want us to enjoy our time together without it getting too heavy. I plan on looking into some books-any recommendations? I called EAP and someone is supposed to call me back today about getting an appt with someone.
atalose-that is a good idea to write things down. I keep telling myself I need to date other people to help take the focus off of her. Writing would help alot I think. Thanks for that suggestion. I was actually doing ok being alone. I had met some women that I could hang out with & talk to & I started to have a social life again. Then I met "T" and liked her alot and I feel like I have gone backwards, not forwards.

September 26, 2006
9:55 am
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taj64
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You're do ok.If you are ok being alone then you must realize that it is better to be alone than to be in a relationship where you feel hung up on. I dont know the names of any special books other than I go to check out the library and see what they have on self esteem or books on relationship. There is a book by the guy who write the Men are from Mars, women from Venus books that is a book about dating after losing a relationship from divorce, breakups etc, that I thought was really good read. It is good for no matter where you are in the relationship. You're on a good start I think. Become aware is good.

September 26, 2006
11:05 am
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StronginHim77
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destined -

This woman is NOT for you. She is NOT "the one." When a relationship so quickly produces feelings of anxiety, tension, stress, anguish, etc. in EITHER partner, something is very, very wrong. Your longing for this woman does not seem to be comfortably reciprocated. She clearly does not have the same feelings for you, as you do for her. It is very clear that your neediness is repelling her. I am not sure what drew both of you together, in the first place. So often, we mistake "lust" for "love." Lust is a carnal, physically-based attraction which can make two people think they "love" each other, but -- in reality -- they simply click well together in the sole area of sexual contact. You need someone who meets ALL your needs, intellectually, emotionally, etc. I also believe you need some deep healing of the heart,before you will be ready for ANY sort of balanced, healthy relationship.

Do you have a good therapist? If you don't, please try to locate one?

- Strong

September 26, 2006
12:15 pm
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destined2balone
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Strong-I guess I don't want to see that she isn't right for me because I like her so much. So often I have gotten involved with people that I really wasn't attracted to just so I wouldn't have to be alone but I am attracted to her in all ways. Physically, emotionally, intellectually and we both feel the chemistry. I think that is why this one is hitting me so hard. I finally meet someone where all of that clicks....and she isn't ready. I know I need to take that as a sign that we aren't meant to be together but it is so hard to fight what I am feeling. I think that is part of what is making me crazy. My friends keep asking me what is wrong with taking it slow? Why do I feel like I need to rush this? Why can't I get to know her first? The answer is I am afraid of losing her to someone else, which is stupid because even if we did jump right into a relationship, I could still lose her. I read a book by Iyanla Van Zandt where she says when you are ready and the other person is ready-then you will meet but not until then. You hear about people who were friends for awhile falling in love all the time. My mom always said you have to be friends before you can be lovers. I have ALWAYS jumped into a relationship before really getting to know someone and of course-it never works out. I was best friends first with the one I ended up being with for 7 years. Maybe that was a clue. My longest lasting relationship was with a friend. Funny thing is, I am a firm believer in the saying that everything happens for a reason and if it is meant to be, it will be. Why can't I follow that? I also get very impatient with things that have to do with me-I know it is going to be a long process to get through this codependency. Do you ever really get through it? All I want is to love & be loved...that's all.

September 26, 2006
12:34 pm
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Ya know I hear what you are saying. Everyone wants to be loved, feel love and have it returned. You are waiting for a sign, anything, what you want to hear to validate it, but she has already given you the sign. You don't want to hear or accept it. Once you accept it, you can deal with that part. There is no clue to be waiting for. Just because you click on levels, does not mean it is healthy. You're better off not seeing this woman and accepting the reality of it. Unhealthy relationships only get unhealthier. And pretty soon it could affect you physically. I would get out NOW before you end up falling apart to the point of no return. The longer you wait the more painful it will be. You're going to have to put in a lot of trust in yourself but it does get better. You know the answer, facing it is to YOUR benefit.

September 26, 2006
12:50 pm
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taj64
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September 30, 2010
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oh yeah forgot to say, that Strong is very wise woman. I ditto all that. And you know how I know how hard this is, cause I felt the same way about my last ex. I don't know how many time we agreed that we matched/clicked on all levels. He said he wished he could give me what I want many times. I heard it but did not register. If I had listened the first time, I would not have suffered so much. It was a very painful experience for me and also a hard lesson to learn. It has been over for a long time and I still cannot bring myself to be ready for a relationship. Not is me that cannot give. Im hoping some day, but I can still feel the hurt he caused and I allowed it. Letting go though hard is always the best in the long run.

And I wanted to let you know that you are loved. The Romantic love and the right love you wish for will happen when you are ready and will not cause you this confusion. Love is not about feeling insecure or anxious. You just know it and are at peace with it, the both of you.

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