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Feeling like "I" exhibited bad boundaries- Feeling ashamed
July 27, 2005
10:41 pm
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Sophia_Lynn
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I guess I need to start realling getting down to my stuff and stop focusing so much on the other posters on here.

I'm upset tonight because I felt like I behaved inappropriately in a professional setting earlier tonight and I can't stop beating myself up!!!!

This may sound VERY petty, but see this is what happens to me, if I don't carry everything out perfectly... I guess like acting.... then I feel severely disappointed in myself.

This is the scenario. I was at 'fun' medical meeting tonight. A celebrity came in and spoke with us. After the meeting a few of us met him. Unfortunately, the more impulsive, energetic, flirtatious Sophia came out. Everyone else shook his hand, however I hugged him and when he pulled me closer I got silly and did a 'mock' fan hug from the side where you hug the guy across the chest with hands landing a few inches under the arm. I am not really a fan of this particular guy, however he is hot. After the hug we both laughed and I walked away. Now when I walked away I was shot the meanest.... annoyed look from one of our senior physicians and he turned away from me when I was about to walk over to him.

I felt so ashamed..... Now I know that I didn't do anything really bad, however it really feels like I did. I feel like a friggin kid here!!

Ughhhhh I want to let this go so I can go to sleep and not feel ashamed of myself tomorrow.

Anyone have ANY thoughts......

July 27, 2005
10:51 pm
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Anonymous
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Sophia, honey, you did NOTHING wrong!! Period! The "look" you got from the senior physician is HIS problem. It didn't seem to bother the celebrity, now did it?

You are too worried about what OTHER people think about you. It's ok to be yourself without seeking the "approval" of anybody else. Celebrities sometimes bring out the "sillies" in all of us...lighten up sweetie! You have NOTHING to be ashamed of:)

July 27, 2005
11:02 pm
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Sophia,

Don't beat yourself up about this!! You were having fun!!! That's O.K.!!

You laughed, the celebrity laughed. No harm done! This senior physician needs to lighten up!!!

HE is the one that looks like an idiot for being so serious at a FUN event! I'm sure everyone else thought it was comical. He needs to find whatever it is that climbed up his butt and died and have it surgically removed!!!!

Now get some sleep! 😉

TC

July 28, 2005
6:38 am
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I've never heard of "good" or "bad" boundaries (I only know of good or bad people). You make a (conscious) choice to draw boundaries - or not - to let other people know who you "are" and what is or isn't acceptable to you. It's a way - albeit an important one - to delineate your "personal space". That's all. What's this self-judgement got to do with it (except to make you feel "bad" or disapproving about yourself) ?

What's wrong with letting people "see" the other - playful or affectionate - side of you in THIS particular situation?

if anyone - like that collegue of yours - decides to throw a "dirty look" (annoyed, etc.) at you or giving you the "cold shoulder" or whatever - ... - that doesn't *automatically* mean or imply that you are at fault (and EVEN if you were, and "evidence" comes up proving that you indeed crossed the line, let's say ... maybe by flirting with someone from outside - where is it written that you have to be "good" all the time?).

He's just showing 'passive-aggressive' behavior towards you, in fact, if he really had balls (if you get my meaning ...), he'd be courageous enough to confront you about HIS annoyance in an open, upfront and direct manner - getting it off his chest - so in my view, he's actually the one showing a sub-assertive style of coping with reality here.

Another more psycho-therapeutic "thingie" : "transference"(on his side) - maybe he wanted you to hug him like you did that actor. Food for thought .... haha

Isn't life full of sweet surprises ?

July 28, 2005
7:27 am
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frayedknot
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Don't worry about the senior physician.... Sounds like he's jealous.. Maybe it's his life partner you were hugging....

Frayed

July 28, 2005
8:13 am
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SexySadie
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Oh PALEEZ...I know you THINK you did something wrong honey...but YA didn't...you didn't. It was all in jest. Now had you jumped his bones in front of everyone there...well then we'd be having a different discussion.

You said it "Senior" Physician. He may have his own insecurities. I find that giving and receiving hugs is wonderful and if they are in jest with someone how wonderful to relieve the tension between people if there is any.

Remember, you only have control and power over yourself and your behaviours...not what anyone else does or thinks.

You were fine...I bet you made the gentlemans night...all is well. Now go hug that other man...just kidding.

July 28, 2005
9:02 am
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thewall
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Sophia Lynn,

I'm interested in why you think you did this..

"I hugged him and when he pulled me closer I got silly and did a 'mock' fan hug from the side where you hug the guy across the chest with hands landing a few inches under the arm"

I don't know you, but it sounds like when *he pulled you closer* you got uncomfortable with the closeness and used your "silly fan hug" to get out of an uncomfortable situation.

Why do you think you may have been uncomfortable (if indeed you were)?
Are you afraid of men, afraid that all they want is sex or to rape a woman? and so unconsciously the close hug initiated a deep fear in you that danger lurked near?? sort of like a PTSD response once he made the hug closer than you had anticipated??

I don't know, just something that jumped out at me.

Yes, in this profession, as in others, we do have a responsibility to maintain professional, healthy and appropriate behaviors when at a professional event. But I think there was something else going on here, on an unconscious level.

I hope this helps. And if I'm totally wrong, well, you have to admit, it sounded good 🙂 lol

thewall

July 28, 2005
10:00 am
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kc30
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Hi Sophia
The sr doc giving you dirty looks or being annoyed is about HIM and his issues...not you and your behaviour.

If there was a concern on his part about your behaviour, there is a mature and responsible way to approach that. Giving dirty looks and snubbing you is immature and childish, and reinforces the point that this is about him, not you.

As long as you are comfortable with the way you behaved, then there is nothing wrong with it. It's what YOU think that really matters, not what anyone else thinks. If YOU think you behaved inappropriately, then take the time to find out why you did that, and why it bothers you. If you are comfortable with yourself, who cares what the old fart thinks?! 🙂 Let him come to you professionally with concerns he may have. If he doesn't, and you're cool with yourself, don't even waste another second on this one!
peace

July 28, 2005
2:21 pm
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kathygy
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I don't understand what a 'mock' sideways hug is from your description. I don't see anything wrong with hugging someone as long as they are comfortable with it. Was there alcohol involved?

I agree with everyone here that its the senior physician's issue if he didn't like your behavior. Maybe it made him feel uncomfortable because he is uncomfortable with hugging. You don't have to give him any power over the way you feel.

Do you feel completely comfortable with your behavior? That is the only thing that counts?

love,
kathy

July 28, 2005
3:24 pm
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kathygy
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Another thought I had was about your strong reaction to the senior physician's reaction. It sounded like it pushed a button given the strength of your reaction to the point of effecting your sleep. Is it a familiar feeling? Did someone do this to you while growing up? Why do you think you reacted so strong?

love,
kathy

July 28, 2005
5:35 pm
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Sophia_Lynn
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Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.

Yeah Kathy, I felt completely comfortable during the behavior.... it was playful.... i was having fun.

I have to get on top of my 'people pleasing'.... seeking approval from outside sources.

I keep saying to myself, "i'm a psychiatrist... I understand human behavior...understand why I do what I do--- why can't I just make it stop!" I shouldn't have felt as bad as I did last night for being me!

Ummmm 'thewall'

What????????

LOL, Yeah that one came out of left field for me. I feel intimidated by women a little thanks to my cruel witch of a mother, but men---- nope. I don't have any foundation with them to fear them. There is no sexual abuse in my history--- no ptsd in that regard. I didn't say anything about discomfort during the hug. It was during the hug that he pulled me really close... he played along... we both laughed and I walked away. The discomfort was afterwards when I was given a disapproving look from a colleague as I was walking away from the celeb. Be careful over pathologizing everything. .... Ughhhh, the people pleasing part of me is enough on my plate (smile).

Thanks a million,

Regards,
Sophia

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