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FEELING LIKE GROUNDHOGS DAY
July 13, 2009
10:27 pm
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9805LOVE
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Ok so I have been back and forth with my childs father for 6 years now. When I first met him he drank alot but I just thought well he is young so that is what young guys do. I didnt realize how really bad it was until I was already caught up in the web. When I became pregnant we were not living together but I knew that things had to be different before I brought a child into this relationship. We went through conseling while I was pregnant because we were already having problems. He made so many promises about stopping when the baby was born. She was born in August, he finally gave it a shot in October. He was sober for 3 months and relapse. I later found out that he was taking pain pills that where prescribed to a family member during that time. So he then began mixing pills and alcohol. Things went from bad to worse and one night we got into a fight and he put his hands around my neck. I could barely breathe and I was terrified. I felt like that was enough so I left. Stayed gone 10 days...and came back home. Several months passed and things never really got better I just put on a smile for the kids. One night he was completely trashed and we were of COURSE fighting, he tells me while cutting himself (which he does often) that he wished I would die. I left this time I have not been back. It has been over 2 years since me and kids moved out. I went through counseling and attended coda and al-anon...and I somehow someway I always find myself "commited" to him. That is the only way I know how to explain it. We unhappy with each other but dont want each other to see other people. Because I think we BOTH want what we HAD with each other during the happy times. He doesnt want to be an alcoholic but he hasnt shown ME that he can be anything but that. Recently, cut my communication as much as possible. Only called or spoke to him if regarded my children. It worked really well for me for a while. I attended meetings and stumbled upon this site. I just worked on me. I started feeling FABULOUS! And this went on for nearly 4 months. During this time, I met a guy at my job who seemed like such a sweetheart and we began talking. Not dating really. Just kind of flirting and talking and getting to know each other. So through a mutual friend my childrens father finds out that someone is interested in me. He spirals even further down. He doesnt eat for days and drinks and calls into to work. blah blah Sounds mean but I went through this once with him. When I first left him he contacted an ex-girlfriend and spent a few days with her so I only kinda feel sorry for him. When usually I would would be ridden with guilt because I hurt him. Anyway, He proceeds to tell me how sorry he is that he hurt me and CANT lose me and his family. I feel like I heard it all before but this time he started to sound like he really believed that we are gone. I am sure he has always known that I would come back but now he seems desperate to keep us. He wants to go to counseling with me and so on and so on. I am just wondering when do you know that this time is different or is this just the top of the same old rollercoaster. Cause this ride is making me dizzy and I dont want to ride it anymore. I just cant help but wishfully think that maybe this is his "rockbottom". Losing me and the right to see the girls without supervision is alot. Has anybody had success in these types of relationships. Or do codies just keep looking until they find someone who will not take advantage of them and alcholics keep looking until they stop drinking? I am just wanting to be hopeful but not delirous. And do I go to counseling with him? Or do I tell him to go through treatment first. I really want to make a healthy decision this time but I am not sure that I know how to do that. Sorry for the long story. Any advice is welcome.

July 14, 2009
8:25 am
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It No Longer Matters
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I would be very cautious. This is manipulative behaviour and what change has really happened?

Bitsy

July 14, 2009
11:13 am
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StronginHim77
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If he is serious about cleaning up his act, he will get into treatment for his OWN recovery on his OWN initiative. He will check himself into detox. He will put himself in a halfway house recovery program, after detox. He will seek (and remain in) private, individual therapy for himself and his addictions, if he has insurance for same. If not, he will do ninety meetings in ninety days. Minimum.

Until you see his sober and actively WORKING HIS RECOVERY for at least one year, don't even give him the time of day. He is simply manipulating, but has no sincere desire to change.

- Ma Strong

July 14, 2009
11:22 am
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laughalot
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I totally agree with Ma Strong. If he really wants to change, he will find a way to do it on his own. You have done everything you can for him and now it is up to him. Hold on to the that feeling when you felt FABULOUS and continue to work on you. You can't fix him, but you can fix you. Be strong. You deserve the best! Don't ever forget that. Good luck!

July 14, 2009
12:34 pm
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atalose
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Words are just words and actions are everything. If he truly wanted what he claims he wants, his happy family back he’d be moving heaven and earth to do what it takes. And at this point it’s only words, manipulative words at that.

Right now you are standing in a doorway, one foot is in wanting to believe him and hoping it will be different. The other foot is out because you do know deep down it’s just more of the same old crap.

Until you make a decision one way or another you’ll remain in that doorway, not able to go back yet unable to fully move forward.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 14, 2009
12:38 pm
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CAMER
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there was another post about an alocholic...and I said the same thing....One year of sobriety, that's what I hear. Don't settle for less, and please make sure that HE chooses to do this, and wants to do this, not feeling forced to do this, otherwise he will most likely go back to his old ways.

July 14, 2009
4:59 pm
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9805LOVE
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THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to ALL!! I completely agree with you atalose I do know it is the same old crap. I feel like I have been in that doorway for a LONG time and I am so ready to slam it shut. ha I did feel fabulous and I liked it. I am going to put things back in place I think just needed to remember how it felt to have him in my life and already I feel drained. Thanks MaStrong! I will not give him the time of day!
🙂

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