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Feeling Insecure
February 27, 2006
9:14 am
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Anonymous
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I am feeling very vulnerable and insecure. My boyfriend and I went away for the weekend and it was pretty good. We have been having problems lately but our weekend was pretty nice. I told him I loved him, which we haven't said to each other in a long time. he said it back and then he acted like he just said it as a "reflect". I have so much love to give and I want to share it with him. Why does he push me away? I feel like if I don't hold back I am going to get my heart broken. We have been together for about 1 1/2. I feel so torn because I love him but I don't want to wait around for someone to be "ready". How do you know when its time to let go or not?
🙁 FeelingLost

February 27, 2006
9:21 am
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Anonymous
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i meant reflex not reflect!

February 27, 2006
9:35 am
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whidbey
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You've been together for 1-1/2 what? Months, years? If it's years, and you aren't getting that "loving feeling," perhaps it's time let go and move on, as difficult as that may be. There should be no question in your mind as to whether someone loves you or not. I spent most of last year questioning someone's feelings, mainly because of the incredible mixed messages I received, and I gotta tell you, it's no way to live, or love. I think you would need to look at all the messages you receive, and are they consistent or a push-pull, yes-no kind of thing. If it's the latter, it's nothing but a heart-break kind of existence.

February 27, 2006
9:48 am
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Anonymous
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A year and a half

February 27, 2006
10:06 am
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CAMER
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how is he when he is around you, does he seem like he wants to be with you, and does he willingly hug and kiss you??? what was it that went wrong since you both haven't been getting along recently???

February 27, 2006
10:10 am
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Anonymous
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He loves to push me away. As soon as we start getting close he pulls away. Its a long thread but if you want to check it out it was called: I didn't get out of bed all day yestersdy...No tears left to cry.
You will probably have to do a view all post bc it is sort of old.

Thanks for caring...

February 27, 2006
10:31 am
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CAMER
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does he trust you??? and so what if you have guy friends....he too has his gal friends...he shouldn't be a hyprocrite.....and why does he keep "pushing" you away, doesn't he want to be with you??? have you talked with him about this??

February 27, 2006
11:06 am
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Anonymous
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I don't think he does. Perfect example this weekend,he looked at my cell phone and called one of the numbers on my call log. I know this because he told me to get a number from his phone and when I did I saw the number he called. Why doesn't he just ask me.

He also said last weekend that he thinks I am bossy when I drink and I drink too much.So I haven't drank at all or went out since. Things seem to be fine if I do what he wants but the second I don't he gets an attitude with me.

i told him he can be very demanding and he said yeah thats what my ex-wife said. I asked him why he always pushes me away and he said because he is good at it. But this weekend his friends were telling me how much he loves me. I am so confused......

February 27, 2006
1:17 pm
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Anonymous
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i am just a stupid girl

February 27, 2006
1:51 pm
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smiling
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You're not a stupid girl. Sometimes it's hard to know when you love someone what is really going on. If the person builds you up then it's worth continuing. If they tear you down, then you need to examine what is really going on. You need to be courageous to ask your boyfriend why he does or does not trust you. Conversation and communication is what strengthens a relationship. If the person does not want to explore the feelings with you, then maybe they really don't want to be in the relationship. Trust is the most important thing. Everything stems from that. Have courage to find out -- stay in if it looks like he wants to be with you -- if not, have the courage to walk away. There will someone new to fulfill you.

Trust me I am there in the same situation. I am trying to encourage myself to have confidence to get the answers I seek. Pray about it.

Smiling

February 27, 2006
2:10 pm
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Anonymous
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Smiling,

Thanks, I get so frustrated with myself. I dont trust myself enough to evaluate everything fairly. When I met my boyfriend I was emotionally unavaliable and I have grown a lot. I don't know that he has changed, maybe its me. I am open to love and being vulnerable, as scary as it is. I finally think I am healthy enough to love and trust. I guess I was just hoping to share it with my bf. But maybe thats not what he wants. Maybe we were a better fit when I was shut down. I didn't ask anything of him before and he was the one chasing me around. Now its different. I just don't want to ruin this bc I am reading him wrong. He is the first person that I have met that I thought he is a person I want to share the rest of my life with. What do I do? 🙁

February 27, 2006
2:44 pm
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gingerleigh
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So when you say that you're a stupid girl, is that really your voice that you're hearing? Who's voice is it really? I bet it's not yours...

February 27, 2006
3:00 pm
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kitty_kat
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hey feelinglost,

I know what if feels like to be pushed away, and in my experience that is a sign that there are bigger problems. Im notjudging your man, I really don't know the your man or the situation. I just think that ef you are really serious about being ready to love and commit and allow someone to see that vulnerable part of you, then you owe it to yourself to get the answers you need. You've done all that great work getting healthy, make it count for something.

Take care

-kat

February 27, 2006
3:00 pm
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asha
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Maybe you just answered your own question. You said,"I dont trust myself enough to evaluate everything fairly." Maybe you might just need some time to reflect. Take a break from the situation and really think about what direction you want to take with your life. It's YOUR life and you have to be able to trust your own decisions if you're going to live happily. If he's pulling away, chasing after him for answers might not be the best thing to do. He might be as confused as you are. Take your time with your decisions. But remember ultimately, your happiness is in your hands. If you've been together this long and he still refuses to open up to you, you'll have to be strong enough to start a new path.

February 27, 2006
3:07 pm
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kathygy
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feeling,

I am sorry your having a hard time and feeling confused.

It doesn't matter what his friends say about your bf's feelings for you.

The only thing that does matter is how he treats you and what his actions tell you.

Why be with someone who keeps pushing you away when you start getting close? Do you want to spend the rest of your life that way?

1 and 1/2 is long enough. Ihave found that waiting for the man to be ready is a waste of time. He may never be ready, he may be ready in 5 years meanwhile you wait and suffer and feel confused.

You said it yourself:

"I don't want to wait around for someone to be "ready".

You don't have to wait around. I know it can be hard to walk away from someone you love but you are not getting your needs met. You deserve someone who loves you and is ready now, someone who is consistent and reliable in loving you.

This man doesn't sound like he's worth spending anymore time on.

February 27, 2006
3:42 pm
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whidbey
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"But this weekend his friends were telling me how much he loves me. I am so confused......"

FL, I wish I had a dime for everytime one of ex-N's friends said this to me--how much he loved me and cared about me, which is what he portrayed to everyone else.... except me. He showed me something completely different. A total devalue and then discard. I guess this way he would still look good to all his friends when I broke it off with him.

Love, true love, is not about confusion. If you are well loved, you will know it. There won't be a question and that off-on switch constantly turning the "lights" on and off, so that you don't know if you are coming or going.

February 27, 2006
4:34 pm
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sunshinetrisha
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whidby, you are so right. our friends tell me that he loves me in his own way. what the hell is that! why not MY way. It's true, when we are around people, he puts on an act, but when we are home it is like i picked up someone else and brought home. not the same person sitting by me and putting on a show.

February 27, 2006
4:57 pm
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whidbey
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That's exactly how it was with mine, SST. When people would come over, I would get the loving little kisses, he would compliment me, etc. One of the few things I got complimented on when no one was around was how well I kept the kitchen, and he liked that. Felt like I was at an interview for a maid/cook position. Those were about the only kisses I ever got in six weeks too. I made an interesting note in another thread a while back, that when I was getting ready to leave, he picked up the robe I had been wearing while I was down there, and started smelling it and holding it close. I told him it probably needed washing, and he said, no, it smells like you. Gee, I wish he would have held me like he held that robe. Oh well, too bad for him...

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