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Feeling Free and Strong...
May 3, 2007
12:22 pm
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turnabout
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Hmmm, speaking of Narcissism (I've been fascinated with the reading material 2b provided), here's an article about misdiagnosing GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) for NPD that I found interesting b/c there are so many things that just don't fit with my exes.

Misdiagnosing Narcissism - Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

May 4, 2007
8:47 am
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feelingfree
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2b~

Hey you.. you ok?

May 4, 2007
10:28 am
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hi ff...and friends.

Thanks for asking...taking a bit of a sabbatical from all of the thinking and processing. I have so many thoughts in my head...and am having difficulty getting clarity.

I went to my counselor yesterday (I have two) and we talked about how I have difficulty acknowleding my feelings. The TRUTH about my feelings. We also talked about my personal "definitions" of friendship, love, hurt, anger, and sadness.

Will be reading...but just taking some time...love to you...2b

May 4, 2007
10:31 am
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feelingfree
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Totally understand 2b~ sometimes it's good to just get away from it all.
Hope you have a nice weekend πŸ™‚
Looking forward to hearing from you whenever you feel like posting.
((2b))

May 4, 2007
10:26 pm
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so i hadn't heard from JC since his message sunday. tonite he called me. i didn't really want to answer, so i'm thankful for that. but he left a voicemail.

"hey i think i just saw you running on 10th & main. i'm assuming it was you since you're not answering your phone. have a good weekend." he also told me his plans for the weekend.

I panicked. i knew i didn't want to call him. but part of me wanted to text him "it wasn't me. i've been home all day." or "it wasn't me. please stop calling me. and focus on your new girlfriend."

i didn't want him to think i hadn't answered the phone cuz i was out running; i wanted him to know i purposely didn't answer the phone.

but then i realized i would just be trying to prove a point. and no matter how hard i try to prove a point, he's not going to "get" anything. he doesn't get it.

this is hard, you guys. it hurts so badly.

earlier 2b mentioned they think they're mr. wonderful... JC used to say "i'm the best thing that ever happened to you." i was like, "uh... no??" but i used to think i was special to him. now i think i was just another girl to him... i know what i need to do - No Contact - but it's hard. i wish he missed me...

May 6, 2007
7:11 pm
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feelingfree
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Hi Danielle~

How was your weekend? I know it was an emotional one for you and was thinking of you.

First- you say on here that you didn't want JC to think you didn't answer the phone because you were running- you wanted him to think you were home and just purposely didn't answer. I mean no disrespect here, but that actually made me smile. Him seeing you out running is so much BETTER!!! He sees with his own eyes that you are doing your OWN thing, living your life to the fullest, not giving him a second thought! You Go Girl!

As for his comment "I'm the best thing that ever happened to you" (eye roll).. my ex-N used to say crappy things like that alot. Guess they need to do it to feed their own ego. You know better, that's all that matters.

And- as for wishing he misses you.. well, he obviously DOES, otherwise he wouldn't have called. But missing you is not all that you need from him. Just feel good about YOURSELF in knowing this.

You're still doing great!

May 6, 2007
7:19 pm
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hi ff - thank you for thinking of me πŸ™‚ i went out with my sister and her bf and my friend and her bf (to rub it in that i'm the single one!! j/k) but i had a real good time.

yesterday morning, i woke up and saw that JC had called me at 2:30 a.m.

i couldn't take it anymore, so saturday afternoon, i sent him a text that said,

"hey, i saw you called. it wasn't me running. i don't know why you called at 2:30 a.m., but i hope everything is okay."

as i was typing my next message, he wrote, "yep, i'm okay."

i wrote, "i appreciate all your calls, but i'm really trying to focus on myself right now. i will always be here if you want to work things out, but until them, please stop. i hope all is well, and i wish the best for you."

he wrote, "ok. i'm sorry. happy cinco de mayo πŸ˜‰ "

so i'm happy to have finally gotten that closure... i know i'll always love him, and IFFFFFF he EVER changes... that's a whole other story, but for now, i want him to leave me alone, and i want to keep focusing on me.

i had a long talk with my dad about these texts also, and now that i've actually just asked him to leave me alone (last time i had texted "call me if you need a friend" and regretted that... so i'm glad i got to clear the air. i didn't want to just send him a text a few days later "i guess i didn't really mean i want to be friends. please just leave me alone")

how was your weekend?? i don't know wehre you live, but i'm in k.c. and it's been tornado watches and rain all weekend. BLAH!! i love storms, so it's kinda nice πŸ™‚

2b - i hope to hear more insight from you soon. your posts have always been inspiring because i'm so new to this NO CONTACT thing...

May 7, 2007
9:02 am
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Hi friends...

I'll be back to post today. I took a few days off, and it helped somewhat. It does help to write about it all though.

My weekend was pretty good. I've been working out like a mad person because I'm leading a health and fitness program at my place of employment. I have 38 participants--and the goals are to get more exercise and for some, to lose weight. I'm averaging about 90 minutes a day--crazy I know. It helps me a lot right now. I'm trying to get a "six pack" I've never had one--a persons body fat has to be about 12 percent, and mine is at 13.5--so I'm getting close. After this is over, it's going to be food frenzy and beer-o-rama for me.

Will be back later; have lots to say.

May 7, 2007
10:23 am
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2b~

So great to hear from you! I'm glad things are well!

I am sooo impressed (working out)!
I love fitness.. have been working out with weights for 3 years, but put on 10lbs in the last year (comfort zone.. ugh). So, now I'm working at dropping 20 total (9 down so far!) and got a new workout book to change things up a bit. I figure since I'm working so hard at recovery- no time like the present to reach this goal as well. I always wanted to be in the best shape of my life at 40.. don't know if a 6 pack will ever happen for me.. maybe a 3-er.. haha

Beer-o-rama! LOL! Right there with you on that.. but my fav is wine!

Looking forward to your next post!
Finished the forgiveness book and it was great! Will talk more about that later.

(((2b)))

May 7, 2007
10:35 am
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2b - great to hear from you! i gained 20 pounds about 2 years ago, and keep saying "i'm gonna lose it"... i workout most days, but i still eat too much (out of comfort!!)

my sister and i are in a wedding sept. 1, so we may finally be getting our butts in gear to lose some weight! she's not very active, but i think helping her could really motivate me. we each want to drop 20 pounds.

so good luck to both of you!!

May 7, 2007
12:35 pm
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Ha Ha~ a three-pack--better than a half-keg!

Congratualtions on your weight loss, FF! That's awesome. I love weight training, I do it three times a week. For cardio, I walk (outdoors) --or do the stair climber. I do yoga occasionally, too. I love your goal--and I am here to tell you that you CAN be just as toned and fit at 40 as when you were 20. I know you've had a child (did you have c-section?) sometimes that area is hard to tone after pregnancy.

I've lost 14 pounds since the end of my relationship with ex-ex. I always tried to lose when I was with him, but he had a terrible diet, and I ate what he ate.

Daniell--Good idea to use the wedding as a fitness goal. That's plenty of time to lose a few pounds--I have heard that it's healthy to lose no more than 2 pounds per week.

May 8, 2007
8:59 am
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Hey 2b~

Yes, I had a c-section.. so there is an area below the scar line thats tough to deal with.. I do alot of crunches, and leg lifts, so the belly area is toned, but could be better. I don't know that there's anything I can do about that other then surgery, which is not a priority to me. But if you have any lower ab excercises that you can share- would love to hear about them.

I am losing an average of 1-2lbs per week, and although it's slow going, I know thats the healthiest way.

I went to one of my meetings last night- I really love them. I have been feeling really good lately- focus is back on me...

How about you?

May 8, 2007
9:28 am
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Hi FF....

Thanks for the note. Wrestling with a lot of things. Had a dream about him again last night...it was in the middle of the night. In the dream, he called me and we were going on a date--I was so excited in the dream! I was getting ready, and really looking forward to seeing him--we were going to a show--a holiday show of some sort. I had to meet him at his house at 7:00--the show started at 8:00. For some reason, my brother showed up at my house as I was getting ready, and he was going to drive me to B's house...I had made cookies for B. My brother kept touching or doing something to the cookies in the car, and I was getting very upset, plus, we were running late. I didn't like the shirt that I had on--it was some sort of putty-colored fleece turtleneck! Not me at all! The last thing I remember was that it was ten minutes to seven...and I didn't think I was going to be on time...When I woke from the dream, my very first thought was "Why is he afraid of a relationship with me? Why does he run from me every time?"

I want him to contact me. I think about all the reasons that I like him and care about him; and think about the army of guys that I've dated in my life, and how it is so rare that I feel this way toward anyone. I think about how much I admire him and respect him; how I understand his fear of commitment--as I am that way too. I feel the connection we have is rare; I have always felt that way. I could always see us together--two old people having fun and taking care of each other.

I have been so hesitant to post here, because I don't want the negative vibes--not from you AT ALL, ff...but from others who may not understand. Who may not understand that it's a process--letting go doesn't happen overnight. Feelings don't disappear. I am not doing no contact anymore. I want to trust my feelings and my senses. No contact is important for detachment, and I have done that in a small way. I sent him an email the other day---I'll go get it and come back.

I have so much to say--and need to talk about it.

May 8, 2007
11:45 am
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turnabout
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Awww, Bendy. No contact only works when you're ready for it. And you're here to work on yourself. If anyone can't accept your work on yourself, and how it happens in your own time, it's because they aren't accepting of themselves. Projection happens BIG TIME, so just let it roll off your back and keep going.

Besides, why waste time listening to people who aren't going to listen to YOU? If they can't bend their ears enough to HEAR what you feel and where you're coming from, what they say won't be worth much. It just won't, and it's more of a loss to them than to you. Who knows what they might learn for themselves if they could listen to you JUST WHERE YOU ARE?

Hope you get what I'm saying. You know how it's often repeated that there aren't counselors on this site, just other hurting souls, so take it for what it is and take it in stride.

((((((((2b))))))))

May 8, 2007
12:11 pm
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(((turnabout))) you are such a kind, loving person. I know you understand. I was having a hard time swimming through the projection. It was conflicting with my own thoughts and feelings. I wasn't sure which was which; and I want to say too that I know people have the very best intentions here.

I am not sure what I want to do with all of this. I'm not ready to let go. I am a CHAMP at no contact--I have done that--but my feelings are still there.

************************************

For what it's worth, I wrote this to B, because I do care for him...I'm don't THINK I'm a malicious person, and the way that I reacted to him really bothered me. Another truth is that I fear closing a door with him. I believe that time is the great healer, and there is clarity needed on my end--so I began it with this:

Dear B,

I keep turning this all over in my head--trying to find a comfort zone. I was very abrupt with you last week and sent mixed messages -- not my nature at all. I can't stand the thought of hurting or alienating anyone; especially -- especially -- people that I care about. Truth is -- you were right. My feelings were hurt. I didn't realize it at first -- or as is often the case with me, I was too stubborn to admit it -- but I suppose my reaction made that clear. I'm sorry for being harsh with you. I'm so sorry. Time always gives me clarity...I hope you are doing ok...will be in touch.--2b

He responded in the afternoon with a text message:

Got email. Thank you. My head very confused. Can’t talk for a while. I’m sorry I called you to talk about stuff. Sorry your feelings were hurt. I’ll be ok. I won’t contact you again. Sorry.

************************

May 8, 2007
12:43 pm
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turnabout
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Hard time swimming through the projection ... I know what you mean! Sometimes I have to step back just to ground myself.

My head is very confused? Can't talk for a while? I think you may have been right about him going back to the fiancee following contacting you. What a poor mess he is! I liked your e-mail, though, b/c it was just pure you, no manipulation anywhere that I saw. That's great progress in itself, whether or not the e-mail shouldn't or should've been sent. (I think there are no 'shoulds' here, btw. Just the need to express yourself.)

May 8, 2007
12:57 pm
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((((((2bstrong))))))))

I don't know what to say right now. I need to think on this for a bit.

I'll be back. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and I care!

Love,

TC

May 8, 2007
2:01 pm
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feelingfree
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2b~

I totally understand where you're at.. and I would never judge.. EVER.
You email to B was honest, and open.. and there was nothing wrong with sending it.

How did you feel about his reply? (I'm going to ask you FIRST) before I say anything about it.

May 8, 2007
3:11 pm
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hi 2b - i think you're email is very good and honest. maybe no contact isn't the best answer for you right now. sounds like you may need to keep seeking out some answers before YOU really feel like you can get closure or whatever before YOU can honestly let go and have no more feelings.

the main thing is to keep doing what you're doing - be honest, focus on yourself. if he really is a good guy, and there is potential, there is no reason to give up on something that could be great. so as long as you're being honest with yourself and taking care of yourself and your needs - just keep trusting your feelings - cautiously.

i'm thinking about you, too πŸ™‚

his reply is odd, but i'm curious, too, what you make of it??

May 8, 2007
5:06 pm
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Hi TC, turn, ff, danielle.

HI friends...thank you for your thoughts and gentle words. I like to think I have broad shoulders...but for some reason...I am very sensitive about all of this right now.

I feel that what I said couldn't have been said more clearly. I wanted him to know that I was sorry, and I wanted him to know that I do care for him. I felt bad about "hitting" him when he was down. I honestly don't think the man knows what he wants to do. I stand by my thought that he is a commitmentphobe. I think he was reaching out for comfort when he called me.

And yes, I do think that he is trying to figure out what to do about "fiance". I don't feel in my heart that that relationship has a chance. Too much damage too soon. Too much CONTROL too soon. I don't sense that love was a part of it at all (on his part) I sense that he felt giddy and thought he better act on marriage/engagement before he changed his mind. That is what Dr. B is all about--changing his mind.

As for his response, a bit more of the usual. Mixed messages; confusion. Now we all know Dr. B is terrible at correspondence--sounds like something out of first grade primer. What I did notice several times in our last communication was how much he said "sorry". For a man of few words--it was pumped in there a lot. I was prepared for pretty much anything as a response. I actually got more words than I thought I would.

I am anxious to hear what all of you have to say...about no contact...about feelings...about his note/my note...anything you feel about letting go and not letting go.

I was thinking this today too. I'm 43 years old. I trust my gut on decisions. I've always been that way. I was thinking about "what if"...What if RS asks me to marry him? "what if" Dr. B comes back into the picture? Do I have the stuff? Do I have the stuff to commit? Or am I the one who's morbidly afraid?

I'm meandering here, am going to work out, but I'll be back later.

Sending all of you positive thoughts...2b

May 8, 2007
5:10 pm
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One last thought...maybe I am being sympathetic because I have been there. (Broken engagement) Maybe I see a troubled 12 year old boy in Dr. B...I don't know...but I'll tell ya, the empathy is what made me write the note. I thought about how I would have felt if I reached out to someone that I knew cared about me...and they shut me down. And I felt THAT hurt.

May 9, 2007
8:49 am
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2b~

First~ I don't think you 'hit him when he was down'. I think you wanted to be there for him, but at the same time, were keeping your personal boundaries set firm. You WERE there for him.. you replied to his texts, you listened, you empathized (I remember you wrote something to the effect of "I've been there myself and totally understand what you're going thru). You offered to get together to 'talk more'.

YOU are not the person who is making having a relationship difficult.. even though it seems you are guilting yourself a bit and telling yourself otherwise. OK- maybe you wish you wouldn't have said 'this or that'.. but we're all allowed to say our feelings.. it shouldn't mean the other person has to bolt if they don't hear exactly what they wanted/needed to, right? And it seems to me that Dr. B does that each and every time there is contact.. it really is baffling to me.. because it seems no matter WHAT you say or do, it's NEVER right. Doesn't that get frustrating? I know when I was "in it" it made me crazy and reaked havoc on my self esteem.

I understand you are not ready to let go yet.. that is OKAY. All in our OWN time. And I understand you can do NC, because I've seen you do it.
But.. the reason I think NC is important for you is not so much about "letting go".. it's more about protecting yourself from hurt.
It seems to me that every time you put yourself out there to B, when youre honest and vunerable, he comes back with a 'zinger'.. and I know that has to hurt.. because ex-N used to do the same to me, and I can still remember that feeling to this DAY.
That crushing, disappointing JAB that goes straight to the heart. It hurts like a bitc&! I remember that pain was always followed by obsession and anxiety (how can I fix this, what can I do.. does he hate me, does he really like me, is he going to contact again, is he going to ignore me for weeks.. OMG.. what am I going to do if he ignores...) and on and on it would go.

If you want to keep the door open to him, I understand. But I would suggest letting him be the one to contact. And if he doesn't, keep the focus on you and on moving forward.
He's not going anywhere 2b.. I think you see that.

((2b))

May 9, 2007
1:21 pm
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Good afternoon, FF. Your post is very wise! You said something that is exactly what my counselor said: "We're all allowed to say our feelings". I have a hard time being honest with myself about how I really feel. Have you ever been that way? I guess I think in some situations--I think I should feel a certain way. Funny too that you mentioned that it seemed with him--no matter what I've said or done, it wasn't right. When I read that, I thought--that's true! He is the one who is conflicted--not me. I feel conflicted because of his behavior toward me. And HE is the one who suggested that we get together to talk more...and then came the "zinger".

The zinger for me (this time) was the "Sorry to bother you earlier" comment in his text to me after our phone call. The reason that it bothered me was that I felt I was being dismissed! I felt hurt because of that comment. I think if he wouldn't have added that to his tm--I would not have reacted the way that I did. I guess you are right FF. I was there for him; as much as it hurt me to hear about his engagement; as much as it hurt me to hear him say that he'd do the whirlwind thing in a heartbeat, I listened. So my reaction wasn't so much to that one zinger--but to all the other ones along the way. It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

And yes--after I closed the door--I was filled with worry and anxiety. Not in an outword way, but in a turned in, beating myself up way. You know it too well...you are so good with words. Let me tell you--it feels good to know someone who understands and has been through the same.

I like what you said about no contact. When I did it this last time, I counted every single day. Tallied the numbers. And funny, the longer I went without contacting him, the more I thought about contacting him! Does that even make sense? In a way I felt it was getting safer for me to contact him the longer I went. So it's obvious that I was still very focused on him.

How are you doing? How's your head and heart? You said something last week about how drinking makes you want to contact (sometimes) I call it liquor-courage.

May 9, 2007
1:25 pm
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By the way, I did send a TM response to his TM.

"You are sweet. Thank you...I'll check on you in a few months. 2b"

May 9, 2007
5:32 pm
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2b~

Thank you for saying I was 'good with words'.. you know me.. I'm always afraid I'm just this big RAMBLER!

OK- I have to tell you something that you will, at the very least- get a smile out of.

You were talking about counting the days of no contact. Welp, I used to actually MARK MY CALENDAR!
Little notes (one month- NC)
And you're right.. all that did was remind me that I reached a milestone and maybe it would be OK to contact!
LOL

My best friend at the time, told me gently to NOT COUNT THE DAYS. It was great advice. It's hard.. cuz you WANT to.. it's like 'ooh, look, 10 days!'.. but like you said- it's STILL KEEPING THE FOCUS ON THEM.
And we know- that's not what we need to do. Focus has to be on US.
And here's the best part of that.
Do you ever notice, when you're REALLY REALLY busy.. maybe at work.. or when you're working out.. you don't have 'time' to even think of Dr. B? It seems that when we're standing still.. or sitting still.. that's when the thoughts creep in.
Driving.. sitting at a desk.. reading.. watching tv.. thats when I have the most trouble.

So- I'm trying REALLY hard to keep busy. My thoughts still go there.. believe me. As a matter of fact, tonight is softball night (eye roll).
And yes, it's a gorgeous evening (2nd eye roll). And yes, I wonder if they're together (3rd eye roll).
But it's not as painful. I don't feel jealous. Curious, not jealous.
So maybe that means I'm reaching acceptance of it all.

Our situations- although so much the 'same' in some ways, are also very different. And that's why I can empathize with you on so many levels. I was addicted to my ex-N.. maybe still am a little (ya think? lol).. but the door was slammed shut a year ago. There was no coming back from that. So I'm forced to keep this at NC. Now.. had that never happened.. I may very well be right where you are now. So.. believe me when I say, I would never judge you.

I think the TM you sent was just fine. Leave it at that. It was honest, and open. And you gave him all the space he needs. Now you can relax (don't ANALYZE IT! haha).. and continue on.

Now- please tell me about RS.. still don't know anything about him πŸ™‚

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