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Feeling down
December 17, 2001
1:41 pm
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Starbaby
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Hey everyone--I could really use some advice, but am having a hard time trying to write what I feel. I talked to daughter's father yesterday on the phone (he's still in jail). It was an ok conversation...I had finally gotten some money from him before and was telling him what I bought for our daughter2. Anyways, I'm not sure how it came up, but we got into an argument about something that happened in the past. (I had gotten a phone call from another woman at one time, telling me he was cheating on me with her. ) To this day, I don't know what to believe. He denies it of course, but a lot of her story didn't make sense anyway.

BUt anyways, last night, I brought up the topic and tried to talk about it. You know what--I think he had said something about trying to work things out with me and that whole incident popped back up in my head. So I try to explain to him that I don't trust him ( but there are a lot of other reasons for that too) and that I still think about that incident alot. He brushed me off, saying that he didn't want to talk about it while he was "locked up." I told him that's all we have to work with and I just wanted to air some things out and he wasn't for it.

When we got off the phone, I just felt so crappy. (By the way, this is the part I need advice on. The other stuff was just to catch you up). It was strange, but I felt so numb inside. I began to think about how I've heard other people hurt themselves on the outside to express their inner pain and I could relate to that. I didn't do anything to myself, but felt I needed to let it out. I really just wanted to cry and relieve the numbness I felt in my chest, but I couldn't do it. Finally, I decided to write and said some interesting stuff. By the end, I had started to cry and I took that as a good sign.

My concern is that this numbness I feel is a result of everything I've ever denied feeling. Like this thing with the other woman...I would push the pain away and not think about it because it hurt too much. I think it started with my family. My parents would encourage me to be honest with them, but when I was, they often told me that I was wrong. I know that no one can judge your feelings, but to this day, I just can't communicate with my family on more than a surface level. So yesterday, when he brushed me off, I felt that same invalidation (is that a word?) of my feelings.

So now, I want to start to get rid of the pain that I carry with me, but as soon as I begin to feel it, I push it away again. I just felt really crappy last night and I want to work on getting better before nights like last night get worse.

Thanks!

December 17, 2001
2:14 pm
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Molly
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I have heard that when we shut down one emotion, we shut out all emotion, thus the empty heaviness. When we open that door, we usually get a flood of emotions, and out of habit, its easier to just close the door again. I think that is why alcoholics, and drug addicts have such a hard time in recovery, and those that do have the break downs have break throughs right after . Its conditioning, just like working out the first one is real hard, you walk around limping for a while, then it doesn't hurt so bad. Writing is a good way to vent, process, and then work your way back into the whole feeling process, which takes time to balance out.
All men will deny their affairs, haven't you seen that joke where the guy is in bed with the woman, and the wife is standing in the door way, and he asked when did you have your eyes checked? Trust in your heart what you felt, and what you think. You say there are other reasons for not trusting, so why hammer this point home? Where do you want to go with it, either your going to let it go, and begin anew, or its over. Don't go victim, don't doubt, it was, or it wasn't. He is there, you are here, get off with the stinking thinking, and shake those blues.

December 18, 2001
7:44 pm
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pam g fu
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