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Feeling betrayed
November 8, 2001
1:38 pm
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annhard
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There is so much good advice in here that i though i would put my problem and ask if you guys could give me some advice/suggestion. My problem is my husband and i got divorce 7 months ago we were separated for about 7 months before, we went away on vacation then he told me he did not want to be married anymore (we were married for 8 yrs being together for 11 yrs) he said he wanted to be by himself that he do not want to have someone around all the time, i guess what my issue is now he is moving in with another woman after he tells me all this. When we just got divorce we still see each other he said maybe he made a mistake we should still see each other and not see anyone else he got very jealous if anyone called my house so i thought maybe we would have gotton back together that we probably need space, he called everynight spend most time with me, i ask if he was seeing anyone he said no he just go out but nothing serious, so again i fell for it i wanted to get my family back, so i suppose i would believe anything. i went on vacation came back he is dating the same person he said he was not serious about and now it seems he throw her name at me when ever he can most likely trying to get a reaction out of me keep asking if i am angry what does he think. I am very angry and hurt and i don't know how to deal with it, i though i was doing ok until he told me she is moving in with him, then i totally lost it. I have so much anger in me and i don't know how to deal with it, i should have let him go when we were divorce but i held on, now i feel even more hurt and betray, because i though he loved me like i loved him. I guess one of my question is how do i deal with all this anger that i feel, how do i forgive him for leading me on, i don't feel that i will be able to move on and i guess i get mad because he did so fast after telling me i meant the world to him.

November 8, 2001
1:52 pm
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Ladeska
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He lied. And that's that. I wouldn't spend alot of time trying to figure out why either. Pathological liars are "me" people and they really don't care what they do as long as it strokes them somehow. Don't fret about not being able to see it sooner in him. They hide their stuff quite well and especially so - if we love them. Woe to us for that one...

Well, anger needs to have an outlet and short of saving up bottles and throwing them at a rock wall (which is good, btw - accompanied with a primal scream for each and every offense...goggles worn of course) I'd say write the guy a steaming letter. Send it if you want, but more - it's just for you. I wouldn't decide right now though if you should send it or not - just write it and take time doing it, some every day. Re-work it. By the time you get through it and get it like you want - you may just find - it was all a process for you and he isn't worthy of even getting it. Then, again - it may feel good to send it.

It's the process....that matters.

Anger is also good to vent through creativity. sounds wierd, but it works sometimes. It may look like angry art - but art is art and no one ever said - it should look "friendly". We have a range of emotions and can express them in our art or craft.

Also, doing something risky physically like - out of the realm of what's normal for you - go skydiving, roller coaster riding, just anything to really pump up your adrenaline and get you out of your slump. Just make it something out of the ordinary that gives you a rush.

Other than that - dancing is good, physical activity every day - whether it's walking or whatever.

The key though is to - write, I think. It settles things within you, puts perspective on things and gives you a place to vent with intention of sending it or not.

November 8, 2001
2:32 pm
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annhard
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Thanks guys blondie i did think about the ak 47 until i say that woman prison on a documentary on TV kinda change my mind:) I keep saying i would not take him back but i do not know how strong i am i am hoping stronger than i think. I wonder sometime how long it will last he can get very violent when he looses his temper, i should be relieved that the marriage is over and just move on but i still love him, and two i guess i am codependant three i changed my whole life to please him now i do not even know what i like to do anymore i am now 30 we were together since i was 18 had no serious relationship before that. Thank Ladeska for the anger advice, unfortunately i broke most my drinking glasses already, i am just afraid i might loose it around my girls when i am trying to be so strong, but he seems to bring her up in every conversation then he have the nerve to tell me last night that he still loves me. I know i should just let him and everything go because i do not know why i keep holding on.

November 8, 2001
2:41 pm
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Molly
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The key to remember is WE, set the game rules that THEY, play by. Men are really more nesters than we are, its because after time, we realize that we do all the work, and they don't know how to function with out a mommy! He could have been real sincere at the time, feeling that mid life crisis, and then realized he had to do his own laundry, and cook his own food, when some sweet thing comes by and figured he could put an apron on her. Realizing he had a cheap imiatation of the good stuff, he comes sniffing around to see if the door is open. Pushed the right button, and you let him in!!!!! He has demonstrated his character, you know what commitment means to him, so, kick his butt to the curb and close the door. He gets the cheap imitation from now on. To continue on this lousy E ticket ride, is going to be your choice from here on. You will never trust again, you will never feel setteled, wondering the next attack of claustraphobia will happen, and how do you have a family with a revolving partner? Writing is great, so is living. Go out and live. Amazing how they still want to continue that attachment, with no strings to themselves isn't it? Change the lock on the door, don't take his calls, don't answer his e-mail, and don't open the door, unless you want to live in hell. Take that list of words, and put different adjectives to your anger, and put them all in the letter. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing what he put you through, he obviously has very shallow feelings, if any at all and since he is caught up in some sort of sick game of life, who knows how he will respond and who wants to communicate with him any more. The silence will be as good as an AK47, his inability to complete with his BS. time heals all wounds, as long as you don't reopen the stiches.

November 8, 2001
9:06 pm
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annhard
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hi guys yes blondie you sure cheered me up i was laughing so hard at work because just minutes before i read your post to me i was joking with my co worker about gettin an ak47, well she figure it would be bigger than me considering i only weigh 105(on my good days other days i am back to 102).
Molly i have to see and talk to him because of the children they adore him and fear him at the same time, i guess that is how it is with me, at times i don't know if i love him or fear him, there are days when i am relieved that he is not coming home because he gets upset then he either verbally or physical. I guess one question i have is can he change with her, i know he use to get mad and hit me sometimes or yell and control me i am just wondering if he can change for her, or is this just the honey moon mode he is in because they just start dating and moving in together? He said his reason for leaving is because he cannot control his temper, so will he be able to control it with her, i am passive and a christian, i forgive everything he does or anyone do to me, i guess i am getting tired of turning the other cheek. I guess another questions is when i do move on in a relationship will the abuse i put up in this one affect it, i have not told anyone about the abuse i promise him i will not mention it to anyone so his new girls do not know that he gets abusive.

November 11, 2001
7:04 pm
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annhard
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Thanks everyone he keeps talking about her and how different she is from me, that he is a lot calmer now than he has ever being, and he is sure they won't have the same problem, he said i am good looking but no one is ever going to love me or want a permament relationship with me because i have the kids they only want to get in my pants, i know this is also some form of intimidation because he is so use to controlling me, but i guess i have not gotton him that part as yet.

November 11, 2001
7:08 pm
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annhard
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sorry i ment to say i did not get over the part of his intimidation as yet, i really wish i did not care as much or feel guilty when i talk about all the wrong he does, he makes me feel bad, then tell me i blame him for the marriage when it was mostly my fault why he loose his temper, i admit to some of it being my fault, but when i ask him the rest of what i did he said i should go figure it out.

November 12, 2001
8:33 am
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annhard
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Hi blondie i am getting child support but no alimony because i work, i think it is because i am not running after him why he is trying to bring me down, and make me feel bad because he knows my selfsteem is not too good, i keep telling myself that he has not changed that his temper will come out. I have such a headace becasue there is so much going on in my life and i really don't know how to handle it, there is so much too much that i am fighting depression.

November 12, 2001
12:30 pm
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Molly
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you really need to get some sort of counseling. I believe after living with verbal, emotional, and physical abuse, or even with one of the three, that there really is PTSD. He has kept you there with confusion, manipulation, intimidation. Shout to the friggin world for crying out loud what you have lived with. These guys are great as far as looking like the great guy, and comming home and being who they really are. They feed off it, and make you crazy. As long as you continue the contact, he continues the game. You continue in limbo, which I guarentee will make you insane. Get some old photos out, and look at your self, I have found, and even Blondie has put her's out there, every picture tells a story. No he isn't gonna change with her, they never change, they just are on good behavior for a while, and she is another victim. How old are your kids, like they had no clue as to who and what he is ? they had no clue about the fighting, the whispers, the tension, mom's tears? I find that really hard to believe. It is most likely they will need counseling as well. We do a great job in the denial department where this is concearned. You really haven't a clue what this has done to you or the children, until you start the healing process, and why the hell should you protect his identity ? Call him for what he is, label the problem so you can fix it.

November 12, 2001
2:01 pm
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annhard
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It was all three, but i did not recognise it as such until i read a book "i closed my eyes" then it sounded so familier to my case but i denied it mainy i am thinking her loved me too much to do this to me mine is not"abuse" he is just upset and i am the one who keep getting him upset, so i change my way of thinking dressing and everything that he said was not right about me to please him, but it did not stop there was always something else. My kids are 9 and 7 i am not sure if they were aware of it, but he was always very sorry telling me how sorry he was it wold never happen again, he loves me he would get help he would change it never happen it just got so bad that i was a nervous wreck when he gets home i did not know what to do with myself and if he was in a bad mood i feel sick to my stomach because i did not know what was going to happen then i try to remember what i did or did not do, check to make sure the house is clean and everything he said needed to be done was done. Now he said i make him look like a monster and he did not do this to me he did not tell me to be nervous of him i did it my self and i should not talk about him like that he meant well he just wanted me to be my best and he wanted his wife to look and act the part(don't know what part, i did not have a script) i did not tell my family still don't. I really feel guilty talking about it like i am betraying him in some way so i try not to admit it for what it is/was, when he is not mad he can be so sweet charming nice generous and everything and tell i feel that i should not say anything bad about him. You are right i probably need counseling but i don't know if i could sit there and talk about him without finding an excuse. I try convincing myself that it is good he left and i can do better but he has moved on and i am still here with no one.

November 12, 2001
2:06 pm
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Ladeska
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Do some reading on what a narcissist is. Figure you might be dealing with that and it's time you were educated so that you stop feeling guilty about things and be more pro-active on your own behalf.

http://www.geocities.com/Athen.....index.html

November 12, 2001
2:35 pm
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artist 2
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You will find someone else. You will find someone better than him. It takes time. Enjoy the time for yourself and treat yourself like you never have. Trust in yourself. Trust that your needs will be filled. They will be filled. Use the time you have now to build yourself up.

November 12, 2001
7:38 pm
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annhard
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ladeska wow!!! that websie sure does have parts that sound like him, i guess i never though of him like that he always have this controlling and self assured way about him, enen though he said he do not intentionally does it he always make me feel small or not talk at all when we go out just so afraid of making a mistake and looking silly in front of him.
Artist 2, thank you so much for the vote of confidence, i suppose he being the only one i ever love scares me about life a bit to go on, even though he moved on so soon, i guess thats what killed me he was saying how much he loves me then moved on to someone in the in the next.

November 12, 2001
8:05 pm
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Molly
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Its not love, its a hostage situation. The kids I am sure are aware. There was a time when I thought they didn't hear the fighting, but I know that they did. I have read and heard to much, and the few times that I was aware of, after facing my denial, and the truth, I figured X10 what ever you think they know is what they know. Part of the whole controll thing is making you feel secure so they can rip the carpet out from under you, keeping you confused, the whole love with pain thing, you know the cycle, honey moon, comfort zone, then rip war, then honeymoon. Since he has another woman allready, that narcissist label most likely works. I left for a year and a half, but just like any other disease, or affliction, when they get weak, they relapse. Mine is confused with all kinds of medications, diabetes, and possibly a different mental illness, memory loss, and black outs. Don't look back, just go and talk out your feelings, start writing, learn about you and live.

November 13, 2001
7:21 pm
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annhard
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Thanks Molly, i do write but i procrastinate and don't do it every day like i should, i basically put everything off. There are days when i am ok and days when i am so down it is almost hard to convince myself that it is worth going on, then i get mad a me for letting him have that control over my emotions but i am so angry and then he moves on with his life with his woman and i am here raising these girls by myself. ( i guess now i am feeling sorry for myself huh) I try not to do that too often but sometimes it slip through.

November 13, 2001
10:23 pm
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janes
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Have you read any of the Helpx 1,2,3,4,5,6 posts?

You should

Be you, get counseling trust your gut and stay single.

Your children may adore him but if notice they fear him they will be better off just visiting him.

Open your eyeas and be aware of the world around you and you will remmber the things you love

go for it...this is YOUR life.

November 14, 2001
12:41 pm
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artist 2
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You each have different measures of what love means and what a relationship should be like. It sounds to me like your take is much more superior and lasting.

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