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Feeling Alone
October 7, 2003
3:57 pm
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Anonymous
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I came across this site and thought hmm it wouldn't hurt to get some feed back from strangers, becuase you can be honest with out worrying about my feelings.

I will try to make this short, I have been a on and off relationship for over 6 years, and have had two children by this person. But now he is at the point where he feels he needs to walk away, he complains about how cold I have become since I became a mom and how that I don't touch him or show him that I even acknowledge his presence, which in all honesty I don't. I have no idea why. We have been through so much together and I have been hurt a more than once by him, I am not sure if that is where my problems come from. All I know is I wish I could shut myself out from everyone including my kids at times, I am just overwhelmed with life, motherhood and the role of being a girlfriend, I love him...I think. At this point all I know is I am miserable with my life but really have no reason to be it could be worse, but how do I escape this empty and negative feeling I have about myself to show him and my kids that I do love them and not make them feel like they are a burden to me.

October 7, 2003
3:59 pm
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gingerleigh
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"life, motherhood and being a girlfriend..." where's the YOU in that? Without being able to appreciate you and what makes you special without all of these other roles piled on top of you, how can you show love and appreciation to others?

And just curious, but is there any reason why you two have not gotten married? His choice, or yours? Does it matter to you?

October 7, 2003
5:43 pm
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eve
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You propably have heaps and heaps of work, hardly any sleep, two small kid needing their mother most of the time? You have an unsteady guy who doesn't help much whith the kids but complains that he doesn't get enough lovey dovey attention from you? You feel that you nevertheless don't have any reason to feel down because everything is wonderfull, really?

Nah, being a mother of two young children really can take it out of you. And the last thing you need is a partner who is giving you grief about you not wanting to jump into bed whith him. You have every right to feel stressed out and unable to give much more.

The stress whith the children will get better whith time. If he doesn't help maybe you can find some friends who also have children and babysit for each other, so that each of you gets to have some private time once a week or so. Kids usually like to play together, so its sometimes easier to have four of them than just one or two. Or just leve the kids whith a relative and do something relaxing - just for yourself.

Of course it would be nice to have a partner who is whith you in this (whith time, money, emotional support, practical help ...). And an intimate relationship can also give you strength. But this guy sonds like a vampire who sucks the last of your resources and then blames you if there isn't any more to get. Maybe its good if you have some time apart. Think about it: do you love him how he really is or how you would like him to be?

October 8, 2003
11:41 am
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Anonymous
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Thanks for your replies. We have talked about marriage alot, him more so than I. In the beginning of our relationship before kids I thought we would get married. But before kids he didn't really stay committed and has excuses for settling down or being faithful, and like a dummy I stuck it through. It was after I had my children especially my youngest that he has become the person I have alway wanted and new he could be, but now I am the one that had commitment and marriage phobia, maybe it is becuase I am afraid he will hurt me again, I am not sure. He and the kids have a great realtionship and I don't want to break that. But right now it seems that all we do is fight and it always about the same thing. Me being distant and not showing any affection, but he is failing to understand that it isn't that I don't want...this sounds crazy but I don;t have the energy to do it. But your right I have lost myself along the way, and have no idea how to find ME agian.

October 8, 2003
1:48 pm
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gypsygirl
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listen to your intuition. It will never fail you.

October 8, 2003
2:16 pm
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gingerleigh
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Starting out by planning one evening per week that is just for you, and you alone. Taking a class is a great way to start. Doesn't have to be a class that requires homework... art, community service, karate, flower arranging... if it sucks, try something else. See what makes you prick up your ears.

October 14, 2003
6:02 am
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Yathi
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October 14, 2003
6:18 am
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Anonymous
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Your relationship with your boyfriend sounds very much like mine did with my husband. We 'seemed' to get on fine until the birth of my son 4.5 years ago. After that I became a mother, housewife, full-time worker and everything else that went with that role. He used to help me with the household chores until I went on maternity leave, and from that point on I never got any help whatsoever. And yet, at the end of the day, when I was totally exhausted he would want sex, sometimes I gave in because I felt I was duty-bound and me made me feel guilty with the 'you never want me' cries, but at other times I just didn't have the energy and would find myself retiring to bed, long before he came upstairs. At this point I believed that I still loved him, so when 18 months after the birth of our son, he left me for another woman my life fell apart. It took me about 9 weeks (pretty quick really) to stand on my own two feet again, but he then decided to come back into my life at that point. So, because I was feeling lonely and alone I took him back. 18 months further down the line I realised that I could not forgive him for leaving me, and it was me this time that ended it. I found this more difficult infact than him leaving me. I am still lonely, read my 'who am I?' thread to see where I am now, but I know that our relationship was over, I still care about him and always will, but we can never ever go back to where we were. I now realise that I had no life of my own with this man. He took took took and gave little in return. I don't really know the answer to your question, I am still trying to find the answers to mine too, but I feel that perhaps the answers could be quite similar.

Good Luck

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