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Feel like you have met the devil?
August 14, 2006
11:29 am
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truthblister
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Hello all. Been a busy week, just got to read this thread.

Two full moons ago, there was some violence and other weirdness that affected me pretty deeply. I guess the details aren't important, but the next day I commented that I felt we were under SPIRITUAL ATTACK. The ex actually agreed with this, in fact he didn't even raise an eyebrow.

For the next few weeks, I didn't go anywhere without a bible and prayed for hours at a time, just repeating the lord's prayer over and over. This was very unusual for me. Up until the night of the full moon incident, I hadn't even really known there was a bible in the house. It just "showed up" at about that time.

The more I felt like something really bad was coming, the more I prayed and the more coincidences started turning in my favour. In the end, I really do believe I got off lightly by letting things come to an early close.

Although I wanted to keep making allowances, keep trying... it was the lord's prayer that really made the difference. You see, when I was reciting to myself "hallowed be THY name, THY kingdom come", it highlighted to me all the egocentric and controlling thoughts in my head, and gave me the ability to deflate them and pay attention to signs and suggestions from above instead.

As a codependent, it can be all too easy to try to make things go my way in a crisis. In this case, I did all I could to let "the right thing" happen on its own. And, although it was very scary and painful, I do believe that I was saved from the situation (and my terminal ignorance/blindness), because of that attitude.

Whether or not we were being influenced by demons in the traditional sense, or whether it was just a combination of rational scientific factors, I don't think it really matters. In the end, I felt that something was up, and it was.

As a sidenote, the ex several times warned that he could be "scary", and once under hypnosis I said to a friend that the only thing that made me unhappy about him was that he "makes bad things happen" and would disconnect/withhold at will. He also had the strange ability to "zap" me in the gut, even at some distance, whenever he wanted me to stop talking or doing something.

As a sidenote, I very much believe that the ex is addicted to feeding off people's emotions. A few times I remarked that he only ever seemed really happy when I was devastated by some glib comment or action of his. It was the only time he'd volunteer to come close, or offer to play some of my music... when I was out of control with distress that he had caused. In a couple of cases towards the end, this took the form of sex, and the night of the full moon I actually remember feeling as though he'd cracked open my inner core and sucked the last remaining juice out of me. The less I had to offer, the more violent the extractions became.

Throughout the relationship I treated him like an innocent, but now I can recognize that he was at least partly doing these things on purpose.

Then there's the issue of the voices. One time I came home to hear a low and creepy voice (I presumed he was singing, which was something he never did, but seemed to be gaining confidence in the more I urged him to try)... plus the pamphlets from the mental health service about voices in the head... then one time under hypnosis where he stiffened up asleep and blurted out "avoid me" in another strange voice.

More will come to me in time, but yes... I think if I haven't met the devil, I've been in touch with at least a couple of his cohorts.

August 14, 2006
1:59 pm
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lovinglife
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TRUTH!!!! Yeh- you're back : )

August 14, 2006
3:43 pm
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doubleloss
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evil beings, evil energy, bad spirits...just a label to something that does exist, it manifests itself in so many different ways. I think we ought listen to tha part of ourselves that is much more aware than our 5 senses, it is hard to explain and impossible to quantify but it's there, and yes, reading the posts made the hairs of my back stand up.
i saw xbf eyes go empty and dark a about 3 times, the last time i saw that was during our break up, when he called me spider and said that sometimes he would look at me and just wanted to hurt me...that freaked the hell out of me, what he said and that empty look. Dad's wife has a field around her that is just frightening, evil.

August 14, 2006
5:41 pm
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memory
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I can not believe how right on the money these stories have been. (for me) I thought I was the misfortunate sucker who lived with the devil. He would play games with my head and I thought I was the one with the problem and if only I could change our marriage things would be better. Everyone that met him would "say he looks like he has a black cloud over his head". I thought I could fix the problem and turned my life over to him. I know the "look" and the degrading comments. I felt like I was going crazy.

Feeling hopefull knowing your not alone! Thanks you guy's

August 14, 2006
7:02 pm
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StronginHim77
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Truthblister's posting is SOOOO good. I had bells going off while reading it. Saw so much of my relationship with my "evil ex" in it. Even that other voice which spoke while his ex was under hypnosis. Demonic. Dark. Evil. A voice from the other side.

I staggered away from my BPD-ex feeling as if the gates of hell had been opened against me. His tormenting presence had destroyed me, emotionally, and begun destroying me, physically. Like Memory said, I felt "like I was going crazy."

Like Truthblister, I started reading my Bible at the end and praying alot. I mean ALOT. And five days after I started praying for help, the ex discarded me. That was the most merciful thing that ever happened to me because I was too codependently enmeshed with him to walk away from the abuse. I think God saved me.

- Strong

August 14, 2006
7:41 pm
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lovinglife
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Ok one more story here from me about 'knowing' and not listening-guess to get in to soak in my head.....

Was just crying to my daughter-in-law today about why my higher power didn't intervene about exh from coming back into my life. Then I stopped myself and remembered very clearly- it wasn’t like nobody tried… the day I made the decision- there was a loud strong feeling in the gut-not to, remember discussing it with a friend, but I simply blew it off after I thought about how I *thought* my boys & I were going to benefit from it. If I would have only listened...

August 14, 2006
10:36 pm
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whidbey
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Hey all,

Haven't been here in a while, and, on the whole, with a few moments here and there, have been doing very well emotionally.

It was one year ago today that my ex-N had his motorcycle accident, and I went driving down like a mad woman from Washington state to southern California, two long 12-hour days of straight driving, to take care of the man that I thought I loved and thought loved me. Well, I was sure set straight about that pretty darn quickly after I got there.

Of course, it was a lot of push away and pull back in, as Ns tend to do, just enough to keep me there taking care of his sorry hiney.

At any rate, I woke up this morning and thought about it being the one-year mark and thought, "I could let myself go into a spiral and be sad about this, or I can look at it realistically and see that accident for the blessing in MY life that it was." And that is what I chose to do. Being a long distance encounter (I refuse to call it a relationship any longer), that six weeks of hell allowed me to finally put the pieces of the puzzle together and see who and what I was dealing with. It was truly a gift from Above. Not that I wish hurt and pain on anyone, but hey, it's all about me now, in a good, non-N kind of way... 🙂

So, I will look at this day in that way, this one time only, as I'll never mark another "one year ago today" anniversary in that encounter again. Except perhaps the one where I got home in September and picked up my sweet greyhound from the kennel, which was truly a joyful reunion. I cried like a baby when I put my arms around her again.

Ladies (and gentlemen, if it applies), hang in there. Life WILL get good again for you. BUT, you have to work at it. You have to fight like hell to change your thought patterns that those encounters with those abusive asses were even remotely close to a mature, loving relationship. They were so far from it. Open your mind's eye and see these abusers for what they are... boils on the ass of this earth. Sick, festering boils. Gross, nasty? Yeah, but then so was what I and all of you have gone through. And believe it or not, that isn't said in hate. Simply stating a fact. In my N's case, he knew exactly what he was saying and doing. I saw that when he could change his entire demeanor when others were around.

Good luck to you all. Many of you helped me through some mighty dark days last winter, and I will always be eternally grateful for that. Garfield and Ladeska especially, for their posts on NPD which enabled me to see what I had been dealing with. Many, many others too numerous to mention as well.

Be strong peeps. Remember, don't worry about those "last words" with Ns or the like. Closure with them doesn't exist. It can only be closure in your own mind and psyche, and you have to do it, and you CAN. I'm living proof of that.

Hugs to you all.

Whid

August 15, 2006
9:14 am
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whidbey
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Sorry all, when I posted this, I thought I was in the no contact thread.

As to this thread, yeah, these personalities certainly do have a dark feeling around them and seem to poison everything they come in contact with, don't they?

August 15, 2006
9:34 am
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StronginHim77
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whidbey -

Your postings are ALWAYS welcome, regardless of which thread they land on!

- Strong

August 16, 2006
5:50 pm
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DoTheyNetwork
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Oh Yah ! I hear that. Great thread. I goofed on how I posted last night so it did not show up.
Once I was doing some yard work for an elderly woman that lives near me and she had an uncanny knack for being nasty when ever I was Really Up about something and I always felt attacked around her when I really could have used a break that day and to make a long story short I was doing some yard work for her and she had her back to me and I prayed as an experiment that any dark power in her be driven out and she turned around out of the blue and gave me such a dark look that it did not even look like her eyes and afew minutes later she was chatting away like nothing happened.

Oh and the last big break throughs I have had in my life I felt compelled to repeat the Lords Prayer on the drive to work afew times. My x boss was acting insain with playing people around town and in total Denial about me being right as to how I live my life. He was to the point of Dillusion about how he was helping me and he was really being a total jerk and not taking care of what he Should have been doing. And he still is at it.

It feels like there is this dark spirit of fear and dispair in many in my area and then there are those that just seem to shine. The ones that really seem to shine are the same ones that are busy working to help the small communities in my area of the country. The posers on the other hand have left some area in their lives swept under the rug and are stubborn about dealing with it and that usually ties in with addictions they are in denial about. Or atleast harboring reservations about quiting.

I was calling it the Spirit of Un-reality. 🙂
Doubt would fit also. Oh and then that festers and spreads. Ohhh-dont leave the norm - it is scarry out there. They will run around and protect Hooterville thinking at all costs. Especially if they are not the ones paying the biggest price to their mental health or in dollars. But their Mental Health is what many have paid with and expect others to pay the same price. They let the Evil in and expect to reinforce it in the herd.

The only thing the Evil does not count on is that it makes us stronger and forces us to look for ways around it. People see that too. People See It !!!!!! I hear it all of the time. "They are dividing the town." Bull ! It was there all along to hide the sneaky Perp's........ The interesting part is that the players get labeled and show their hands when something happens and are easier to identify. Corruption gets easier to trace when someone takes a stand. Things add up. Even if its seems small at first things begin to unravel. Jerks would not be jerks if they did not learn from experience that they could get away with it.

I have to go for now. Keep up the good fight.

DTN

August 17, 2006
1:07 pm
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Matteo
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DTN, “Jerks would not be jerks if they did not learn from experience that they could get away with it.” Jerks also often know from their experience that their actions are harmful often to themselves in the end, and that doesn’t stop them from being who they are. If I allow a “jerk” to do what they are doing it is because their actions are often irrational and because I don’t believe, neither understand why, one would keep doing something which would turn against themselves in the end. I apply my moral and value system to their action instead of listening to my gut feelings. By the way, I think it’s pretty pointless to lament what others do or not do. If you (meaning: anyone) want to change the World, you have to start from yourself. But that’s beside the point of this thread.

Back to the topic. My father, who loved me unconditionally, was charming and my mother, who never loved me, was, and probably still is a charmer; apparently charm is a magnet for me. And it is quite difficult at times to differentiate between those two: being charmed and encountering charming person who means no harm.

When I met my ex-husband who is the worst person I’ve ever met, I didn’t like him - the first impression when our eyes met and he smiled – I didn’t like him. I thought that he could be a person who disregards others to achieve something, and how right was about that he disregards people! He was charming, I was pushed to marry him, I made many attempts not to, but, in the end I did, although I felt like running from the church. The whole thing just didn’t feel right, and it never was. All my friends absolutely loved him and they didn’t realize until much later, if ever. Only those who were living very close to him knew his two faces. After seven years of marriage strangers asked me “how on Earth someone like you married him??” I’d say his dark side took over more and more as time was passing. I am not sure what personality disorder he had, if he is a narcissist or not, and I am not interested in thinking about him and figuring him out.

When I met G., I was already in love with him and we had this amazing, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and very erotic connection. I didn’t know it then, but when I spoke to him I felt exactly like it is described in “Romeo’s Bleeding”; I was lulled by his charm. When we met face to face there was something I didn’t like about his face (my very first impression) and after a while I was afraid of him. When I thought about it then, I thought that his face was proportioned differently than I expected from the picture. When I think about it now – there is nothing wrong with his facial features, it’s just that his face is missing emotions, unless he puts some effort to it. It was more like a mask. But then – the very next moment – how did he look at me! “Sun rose in his eyes” - he made an effort, and how well did he do! After a while, I thought that I was overwhelmed (afraid) by his masculinity, his impressive looks and presence, because I couldn’t imagine anything else – I mean how could I? We were so close to each other - only later I realized that again, just like in the book I mentioned above - that it was my gut feeling telling me that something is very wrong.

I would not call me ex husband or especially G. devils. My ex could easily qualify though, if looking how cruel he is and how he loves no one including himself. I don’t know, it might feel that way if he was super intelligent, and used it to manipulate, but after a while his manipulations were quite obvious.
G. was very cruel although in different way than my ex-husband towards other people in his life, more than he was to me by his coldness and indifference. He is brilliant, but I guess not cruel enough to qualify as evil; his cruelty raises an eyebrow at times, though, especially coming from a person of his sensitivity and intuition.

I think we humans, all have our dark sides and it is up to us which one will prevail, not only on a daily basis but also over the span of our lives. We all do things we are not proud of, but we always have a chance to change ourselves and try to become better people, the best we can, which doesn’t mean perfect - and far from it. But it is up to us to change for the better and avoid past wrong deeds while guiding ourselves through the process. I think that those who suffer various personality disorders don’t have this ability, and starting from the point of self- dislike, are often unable to progress to self acceptance and self – improvement, and instead are frequently progressing in to self-hatred, which spills all around on those who are close to them. I see them as people who have no tools and/or no ability to fight their bad side inside them. They are fighting for their survival by making themselves feel better by being cruel to others, which in the end results in more self – hatred and the cycle of abuse starts over again. Vicious cycle they cannot get from. I don’t even want to imagine how badly they must hate themselves in the end; no wonder they don’t want to know themselves.

I don’t hate my ex-husband, but I despise him. If I saw him dying on the street I would call for help and walk away. Imagine, this is the guy with whom we said "till death do us part". Does the spiritual death count as well? I bet it does. If G. would need me, I would be there for him, and in a way I will always love him for all the great things which resulted from our encounter, because to a certain degree they are associated with who he is, and with his personality traits. Having said that, I am glad that I can move on with my life without his presence in it. And I'm positive that he will never imagine asking for my help in times of distress; in his eyes I am his enemy because I was too close to reveal the truth about him, truth which he wants to avoid at all costs.

Some two months ago I met someone who put cards for me. I treated it as a play, but she asked me several times, "who is this powerful man in your life? Don’t let him use you, he will suck you, use him instead: you can learn a lot from him." No kidding. She ended the session because she felt a lot of dark aura around me, which she didn’t suspect. I guess almost two years of crying and depression will do that for anyone?

Looking from a perspective – I will certainly listen to my gut feelings – more than I ever did – which I am doing right now; however I think that the indicators in the beginning are very subtle and not easy to detect, especially if everyone and everything around is crying how fantastic this guy is. Can you believe that I typed “santastic” instead of “fantastic”? Free spirit, what do you think about that? I think it is about us appreciating our feelings, not thoughts even, but gut feelings and intuition, to much greater degree than we've been taught to.

August 17, 2006
1:19 pm
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Matteo
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It should read: "are frequently regressing to self-hatred"; self-hatred is not a progress, by any means.

August 17, 2006
3:13 pm
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Good Post Matteo ! I hear that. The why's, hows and who's 🙂 are so variable. Plus responses to or from different people.

It Is up to us and oh I hear that part you wrote about others around the situation not seeing or getting that gut instinct.

100% If you want to change the world - change yourself.

Sorry for the short response but my butt is getting sore from being infront of this computer for the last 7 hours and I have to get up and do something else. I just popped in to aac as a break and read your post.

you said a mouthful M.... Oh ! and self hatred. Man I could be on here for another hour on that one. 🙂

Take care I have to go but hope to be back in afew days.

Parting thought: Care enough to take care of yourselves first. Follow that gut, that twitch or the one hair standing up on the back of your neck. It is talking to you for a reason.

DTN

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