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Feel like I'll never get this right. If I could only disappear...
March 3, 2007
1:32 pm
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gofigure
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September 24, 2010
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Yeah, I only seem to post here when I feel in crisis. I guess I rarely feel competent to help anyone else since I so obviously can't help myself in any significant way. I just need to get this out because once again I am feeling crazy and wondering if maybe i am even though I think my thoughts make sense to me.

I am having a hard time again with stbx--my God, it's been a year since I left and we seem to have made NO progress toward any kind of closure in terms of our relationship. I feel like I keep trying to hang on to my boundaries. he keeps wanting to know how I can claim to care about him when I am unwilling to comfort him in terms of his lonliness and depression. If he wants me to come over (like last night) to hold him and be with him and I tell him that I just don't want to he asks me how I can claim to be his friend, how (in not so many words) I can be so selfish and what would be so horrible about coming over. It's not that going there would be so horrible, it's that I DON'T WANT TO. Is that wrong? Intellectually I don't think it is, but after talking to him I feel like I must be the lowest of the low and I don't know how to combat this feeling. I look like a freak this morning I cried so much last night, but I still went over there. And I did it with absolutely no grace--the least I could have done, if I was going to give in, is not sulk, y'know. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not fit for any of this. Sorry

March 3, 2007
1:45 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Gofigure,

You are a worthy person who has the right to feel what you feel and act on those feelings. If you don't want to go over than that is a valid enough reason to not go. You are important and your feelings and desires are worthy of consideration.

Just some things to consider...

why do you not want to go over? is there something that needs to happen for you feel comfortable going over or have a desire to go over? Is the reason you don't want to go something that can be changed/overcome? If so are either of you working to get to that point? If not, what is keeping you in this relationship?

You will find the answers when you are ready. I ask those questions because I know for myself sometimes I get in pattern of behavior and sometimes all it takes is someone giving me some things to consider that helps me see something in my patterns of behavior that helps me either make positive changes or move on to positive things.

I hope this helps.

You are a great person who matters and is worth the time and effort it takes to work this out. Keep working at it- life never seems to be easy.

Hugs and positive thoughts for you today,
Chelonia

March 3, 2007
2:14 pm
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gofigure
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September 24, 2010
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Thank you Chelonia. We started counseling 2 weeks ago--him with the hope of us getting back together and me with the hope that he will stop asking me to do so. If nothing else I hope our communication can improve. I honestly feel I can't change my feelings. He thinks it is strictly a matter of me not being willing to. I suppose it's a combination of can't and won't for me. Often it feels like what's keeping me in this cycle is guilt because I know how lonely and depressed he is. I want to be able to help him, but the things I do are not the things he wants me to do. Then he gets frustrated with em and I get angry with him and then it turns into what last night did--We spent the evening together had dinner and I said I was going to go home around 10 so I could work in the morning. He wasn't happy I wanted to leave, but eventually I did. Then we proceeded to be on the phone until almost 1:30 when I finally said I would come back over. I just can't understand myself. I do these things full of resentment, hate myslef for "giving in", hate him for pushing until I do and then feel like crap. Of course I also end up feeling like crap if I don't give in. I feel like I"m talking in circles. Thanks for listening and for your kind words.

~go

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