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feel like I am going backward
June 14, 2006
1:29 pm
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Beentheredonethat46
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I was going through my stash of books that I have in a cabinet. Such an innocuous thing, I found one of those empty books to be used as a journal, diary etc. There is nothing in it, it is blank. I thought for a bit that I would transfer some of my writing into it so I would have it all together and THEN I am not even sure what happened. There is space on the front to put a title or a name and I had this sudden urge to put X's name on it, write a short piece in the front and then give it to him with instructions to use it to try to get himself together...what am I thinking?!?!?

I didn't do it but the idea won't leave me alone. There is a spark of hope down there somewhere that keeps telling me that there has to be a way to make things right for us, that a love that was so strong can't be given up on.

I have stared at the phone repeatedly thinking of calling and telling him I want to talk to him. I haven't done it...yet!

I just feel like I am on the down hillside of a runaway train, with no engineer at the wheel. My head tells me it won't work, nothing good can come of trying again but that other part of me, this voice is whispering, asking me if I am sure I have done all I could, tried every option to save this 'relationship'.

I can sit here and tell myself all the things that were wrong till I am blue in the face and that whisper won't shut up!!

Strength, joy and love to all,
Kim

June 14, 2006
1:35 pm
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startingover
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Hi Kim

Try not to call, try to get away and distract yourself for awhile. If it helps at all,I have those regretful, obsessive thoughts, too, and they're real troubling. I just tell myself there are questions I will never have answers to, like "how could he leave me?" or "doesn't he miss me?". Well, I probably don't really want to know the answers, and I'm sure he would just say what he thinks I want to hear, so why bother? It's really too difficult for words, isn't it? Can you call a friend, or get away from your mind for awhile, by getting busy with something else?

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time.

SO

June 14, 2006
1:59 pm
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chinita
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I'm not an expert but You no in your heart this relationship isn't for you. Now it's the part of over coming being alone and lonely. It's hard but you have to keep yourself busy don't dwell. Try reading (something I need to do) go out with some friends, what works for me is cleaning. Don't hold on to something that is not there. It's easier said then done. But trust your instinct trust in yourself that you've made the right decision. Be Strong you'll be ok.

June 14, 2006
2:20 pm
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whidbey
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Quick, right your OWN name in that journal and start writing in it. Then you won't be tempted to give it to him.

I know after I spoke with ny ex-N a month and a half ago, after hearing all about his aches and pains (same old crap that got me drawn in to begin with, poor him, let me help you get better, I can fix your life, ad nauseum), I actually sat down and put a nutritional supplement in an envelope with a small note on it and addressed and stamped the envelope. About 10 minutes later, I smacked my forehead and "WTF are you thinking???" I tore up the envelope and threw it in the trash. He can deal with his own stuff, and so can yours, or not...

Don't call and don't send the journal. Use it for yourself to record your own feelings.

June 14, 2006
2:21 pm
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whidbey
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Um, that's "Write" your own name...

June 14, 2006
2:48 pm
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Anonymous
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I agree wholeheartedly with Whidbey! When you KNOW in your heart that nothing has changed, that they are still the same man who has hurt you over and over and over again, then you will know you cannot go back!

All of us have those urges to reconnect, try again, feel sorry for them. I have recently been fighting that urge myself. In fact, after 3 months of no-contact, I got 2 emails last week (which I did not acknowedge), and a text message last night to my cell that said "Miss U, T". It breaks my heart. I cried myself to sleep, yet I DID NOT RESPOND! Because I know if I do, it just reopens the door to more toxic contact, more pain, starting over the cycle again, and I just CAN'T go back there! It feels so cruel. To just leave him "hanging" there. And then I remind myself of how things really ended, that I tried my best to reach him, and he basically slapped me in the face. I'm NOT going back for more of that!

Hang in there BTDT! You are strong (I have read your posts), you are wise, and you will get over this "hump". BE STRONG!!!

Love, Plz~

June 14, 2006
5:11 pm
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Beentheredonethat46
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Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement. The day tended to get a little worse but I am hanging in I guess.

I had to go to the doctor today and my daughter asked that I call her when I got out. I did and left a message on her phone that I was out and to call when she got the message.

A little while later the phone rang and I picked it up without looking and it was X! HOW DO THEY DO THAT...at a very low time even from miles away he had to have sensed I was low! Ok, that was probably paranoia speacking but for pity's sake!

I asked about his mother, she is worse. Then he asked me to go to breakfast with him on Sunday. I told him I was waiting for a call from my daughter and couldn't stay on the phone. Didn't even have the guts to just say no or even why does he want me to go.

Plz~,

Not so sure about the wise thing but maybe wising up.

Strength, joy and love to all,
Kim

June 14, 2006
10:37 pm
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StronginHim77
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Whidby and Beenthere...

I can SO relate to where you are both at. Everything you shared in your postings rang a bell. I just posted a thread tonite about how leaving an abuser seems to come in stages? I know that my current relationship is toxic and basically hopeless. He is cruel to me and I cannot take it anymore, either emotionally or physically. Yet it is so hard and so scary for me to irrevocably and permanently SEVER with him. I keep trying to maintain some sort of communication line with him, either by email or phone messages, etc. Begging. It is something I am so ashamed of. I want to walk away. The odd thing is that everytime I get strong enough (and angry enough) to walk away and STAY away for a day or so, he gets scared and begins treating me better...of course, only for a day. Then the real him re-emerges and the hellish cycle begins again.

I understand what both of you posted and I really appreciate your input.

- Trying to be...STRONG

June 15, 2006
8:40 am
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whidbey
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Just keep trying, Strong. The day will come when you know you've had enough and will break it off completely. Even though it will be extremely painful, it is what must be done for your own mental health. I know how difficult it is. As we all know, these types of personality disorders are not curable, and once we get that realization into our minds, that is when we can take actions to protect ourselves (and from reading your other post, it sounds like you are taking the proper steps... Good girl!).

So many of us are sometimes more afraid of being alone than to let go. The unknown of being on our own can be frightening, but so many of us can tell you that even being lonely is better than dealing with abuse.

With him being a retired police chief, Strong, it sounds like you might be a little older, like me (50). I'm finding that this can be a fantastic time in my life. I've realized that the rest of my life can be exactly what I want it to be, based on decisions I make for myself and that I don't have to stand for abuse of any kind in my life any longer. It's my choice.

Making a choice to, once and for all, stand up for yourself and saying STOP to anyone debasing you as a human being is a wonderful, freeing feeling, even as you wade through the grief of having to let someone go.

I say these things, I think knowing that YOU know these things as well, in encouragement. You are at the point where your mind gets it and knows what you have to do. Sometimes it just takes a little time for the heart to catch up. And it will...

Something to think about. Compose a letter of break-up to this man. You don't have to send it right now. However, you know it's there, and you will know when the time is right to send it. You may end up breaking up with him face to face, which is what would happen in most normal relationships. However, you must remember there is nothing normal about people with these illnesses, and sometimes other avenues must be undertaken for your own safety. The letter can be one small baby step in your journey to freedom.

Good luck, and take care.

Whid

June 15, 2006
9:59 am
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StronginHim77
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whidbey -

Your posting helped me so much that I copied it to myself, via email. I need to read it, over and over again. Inside, I am grieving, but my mind is telling me to keep stepping back and so I am, one baby step at a time.

thank you for what you said to me. It will help me, as I face this.

- Strong

June 15, 2006
10:04 am
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whidbey
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(((Strong)))

Oh, and if anyone else questions you (which isn't their place, but people do it anyhow, usually with good intentions because they hate to see someone they care about hurting), simply tell them that you are taking the steps that you need to do to handle the situation in a way that is right for you. Don't go into any other details. It's not their business, plus keeps you out of any "smearing campaign" that may (and probably will) come about in the future.

June 15, 2006
3:57 pm
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StronginHim77
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whidbey -

I have already begun to dread the upcoming "smearing" campaign. I am sure he will try it because he will be so ashamed that we have separated. I am a chaplain with the local Police and Fire Departments and have many friends in the community. I am generally known as a kind and "genuine" person, ready to help anybody going thru difficulties. This is going to cause him to work extra hard to discredit me, since most people acquainted with me here in our little town like me. I am scared to think what lies he might tell, to try and make himself look good.

Not sure how I will bear that part of it...

June 15, 2006
4:03 pm
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whidbey
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With your head held high, Strong, with your head held high, that's how you will bear it. I know, you know, it's important not to get into the "back and forth" of it. Anyhow, since there are so many people who want you out of this relationship, it really doesn't sound like they are going to buy anything he'll have to say. The more he talks, and the less that you do, other than to say "That's not true" (and leave it at that), the bigger the hole he will dig for himself.

I feel for you right now, Strong. You're in a very hurting and painful place right now. Just know that we're here to help you through it all, whatever choices you make. Hugs.

Now, on that note, I think we should go over to your other thread, as this thread should be all about BTDT46. Sorry BTDT46!

June 15, 2006
10:57 pm
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Beentheredonethat46
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No need for any apologies. I have read what has been going on and it all rings so true as you both have said.

X did call last night and I think I made a good move...I hope anyway. I told him I need to talk WITH him. He has called twice tonight, first to tell me he was working late and then to tell me he just got done so tonight was out as far as I was concerned, too late.

I have made a short list of things I need to say. While I see some small (yes, very small) things he is doing that means change the things that should be worked on aren't - alcoholism, pot addiction, and codependent relationships with daughters. SO the major thing is I want to tell him that if he is under the impression that at some point I am just going to forget the pain and allow him back that isn't happening.

The second is to tell him that there is no chance of reconciliation unless he gets DOCUMENTED help. And the proof has to be given to me. This is what the counselor told me to tell him long ago and I just never could make it solid, know what I mean.

Not sure if this is the right thing right now but...well there is always a but. I have gotten strong enough not to let him reverse things on me. I have refused to accept responsibility for those things that are not mine. It only happened a couple times since January but I was able to hold on to me. I have to remember that when I do this.

Thanks for all the input and kind thoughts, they really do mean so much.

Strength, joy and love to all,
Kim

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