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feedback on wobbly relationship
September 4, 2006
5:29 pm
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rede4achge
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September 24, 2010
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i've never posted before - and am trying to sort through the messiness of my current relationship... I value the insight and support that post-ers on this site offer to each other - so here goes.

I met this great woman two months ago at a conference. We spent 6 days getting to know each other and seemed to really hit it off. For the next two months, we talked via telephone almost everyday - lots of laughter, learning how to handle conflicts that popped up between us, sharing... it felt good. except, maybe every two weeks, it seems she would get this impulse to run. To extract herself from our growing intimacy - which was not explicitly sexual - and leave. With the support of her therapist, and mine, we continued to stay in relationship - spent another great week together -- and shortly after this second visit... she is bailing again. I can't seem to make sense of it -- and I want to. I want the relationship to work... and yet, it's hard to be in relationship with someone who insists that they are incapable of being intimate, of being loved, of not living in deep fear... It's confusing - one minute she wants us to visit each other and remain in relationship, in the very next minute, she doesn't want that - she wants to maybe check into rehab again (she's been sober for over 10 years, her father was an alcoholic)... While I am able to say what I expect, want, need - it's difficult to get clear answers from her about what she expects, wants, needs - other than maybe, unlimited freedom to not have to commit/decide/speak clearly in any way. Not sure I'm making sense - it's all very confusing to me at the moment.
Mostly - in the absence of a CoDA group - I am hoping someone could provide insight, share wisdom, or well, listen.

September 4, 2006
6:59 pm
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Randomwomen2
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It sounds to me like she has been hurt badly in the past either in her childhood Ie. alcoholic father or in an intimate relationship some where else but the girl has been hurt and until she can see that she is desirving of the love you offer her and is ready to move on there isnt much you can do but be there for her as she works through this. This must be very tuff but the best thing you can do is to be there for her

September 4, 2006
7:12 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Hi

I agree with Randy. I think this woman sounds like she has been hurt or abandoned in one way or another and finds it really hard to trust enough to be intimate with you. She wants it and then gets scared and bolts.

Her therapist is probably helping her work through tis but until she does it will be really hard for you.

Let her know you are there for her but that you have needs too. Two months isnt such a long time, take it slow.

Dont crowd her too much. If you back off a little she may well do a bit of the running.

Be kind and firm and try to keep your own interests up and dont neglect the other parts of your life to spend time just talking to her.

You sound like a very understanding kind person, I hope it works out for you

best wishes

sleepless

September 4, 2006
8:05 pm
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Hi, I'm wondering about some logistic details. You say you met at a conference and then interacted mostly by phone. You talk about wanting to visit each other... Is this a long-distance relationship? And also, how old are you both and what kind of relationship histories do you have?

At least she is seeing a therapist, which sounds like she is taking some responsibility for working on her issues. But depending on how deep and longstanding they are, and how far apart you live (as well as any other details missing from your description such as marital status etc.) this may not be a relationship you can put a lot of expectations on.

You wrote, "it's hard to be in relationship with someone who insists that they are incapable of being intimate, of being loved, of not living in deep fear... It's confusing - one minute she wants us to visit each other and remain in relationship, in the very next minute, she doesn't want that" and I'm afraid that doesn't sound good. In fact it sounds quite a bit like my ex and.... he's my ex.

If she's telling you now that she's incapable of being intimate, you should consider believing what she says and putting your efforts elsewhere. I wish I had.

Sorry it that seems harsh.... just bassed on my sad experience.

take care, kroika

September 5, 2006
11:04 am
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rede4achge
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hello and thanks for your insights. logistics: i'm almost 35 - she's 41. we live about 1000 miles apart and are both single, have been out of relationship for about two years each with "light dating of other people" during that time.

Tomorrow I see my therapist and located and will attend my first CoDA meeting...having read Co-dependent No More...it seems like a good step to take. Mostly though, I feel sad. Angry too - that I made this relationship choice. And...moving on (and caring for me...) is okay - just sad to let go.

Thanks again for your insights.
take good care

Thanks

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