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fed up with trying
September 3, 2005
2:22 am
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i am so fucking tired of this. i realize i have been coming to this site since april 2004 which means i have been trying to cope with my shit since then and i feel no better. in fact, i feel worse. i go to a psychiatrist, we change meds. i go to a therapist, we talk and talk. i go (went) group therapy it ended up just being a waste of time. i dump my ex and i just miss him. i go out with friends and they decide they rather stay home and watch tv with their live in abusive boring boyfriends. even my parents don't bother with me unless it's somebody's fucking birthday. and i hate my job now, i'm about to strangle one of my coworkers someday soon.

i'm sick sick sick sick sick of trying. i'm lonely and i hate my life. this has been going on too long.

these poisonoius thoughts seep into every area of my life. i'm trying to get rid of them. but the truth is i cannot change my feelings. it's getting worse and i am turning into a hateful bitter bitch and i really don't want to grow old and ugly this way. once my life had promise now it's shit because i'm too tired to keep it afloat like i should.

i don't have enough years left in my life to get healthy. it's so fucking not worth it. sobriety was not worth it. i envy my ex for not being clean. i miss it.

-ella

September 3, 2005
4:55 am
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Neshema
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Ella-
I am here. Talk to me. nesh

September 3, 2005
4:58 am
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Neshema
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please tell me u r stillll up. i didnt see this was from u. next time put ur name in the title.i care.

September 3, 2005
5:51 am
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mamacinnamon
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Ella:

You've hit one of those plateau. I hate when those happen coz they make everything look so much bigger and badder than the thing is. You've been in recovery awhile. Work the program. Keep focused and work thru this plateau. We are behind you here.

September 3, 2005
6:00 am
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mama-

thought u were sleeping.

September 3, 2005
9:49 am
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CAMER
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hi Ella, i too joined almost the same time but in March of 2004.

With codependency, its work in progress, sometimes we may never get better from it completely but we do learn along the way.

I hope you are feeling better today & why not come back and keep posting, and know that you are not alone.

(((hugs and support))) camer

September 3, 2005
10:05 am
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gingerleigh
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I've been here off and on since 2000. I don't think we ever get all of our shit together.

The more people I talk to and really get to know, the more I see that all of us are walking around with these big holes inside of us. The girl behind the sandwich counter you see today will smile when she hands you your turkey on rye, but inside she's in knots because she's wondering what kind of a fight she and her asshole boyfriend are going to have that night. The lady in line next to you at the bank, the one in the nice suit and heels with million-dollar hair and nails, yeah, tonight she's going home to her cat will mix herself not just one but maybe three martinis, just like she does every night, to numb out and forget how much she hates her job and the rest of her life. That perfect couple with the baby stroller? She's on medication for depression and they haven't had sex in four months.

Please hang in there, Ella. I'm not going to spout that life is all roses and sunshine, because right now I'm miserable with my own shit. But I know that we aren't alone in how we feel, and that things do change when we least expect them to.

September 3, 2005
11:56 am
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gofigure
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God, that's so depressing--while at the same time comforting to know we are not alone. I do hope there is health at the end of this tunnel, otherwise... Hell I don't know. All I know is that there must be a better way and I'm counting on the fact that if I work it, the better will find me. But sometimes it can be very bleak. Progress, not perfection right? And I have actually seen a person or two who has honestly worked the program, and while things are not perfect, they have found some amount of peace. Seeing them is what keeps me going and trying.

September 3, 2005
12:09 pm
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exoticflower
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Ella, sweetie, I'm very concerned for you.

I wish you would work with this emotion somehow using your art, just to purge it even a bit right now. If nothing else, I think you should call your therapist and tell her you are thinking about using and that you need some help and support RIGHT NOW...I bet she could squeeze you in.

maybe you could try volenteering? Like at your work, maybe try doing a little art class for kids, or even for younger adults? Maybe you could get an art therapy student to work on it with you?

Have you thought back to your absolute rock bottom, to the darkest nightmare your life has ever been while using? I really don't think you ought to envy your ex, I know he has his own demons that are eating him alive as well. And I'm sure you can remember what yours where at the worst point if you let yourself really think about it.

(((((((((((((((((((ella))))))))))))), please post back soon to let us all know you are ok. I will think of you today, I am so sorry that you are in a place that seems so bleak right now, that you feel that all of the hands that reach out to you only dangle you in midair and fail to lift you out of this hole of dispair. I know there is a way though, and I assure you, it isn't using, to get out of the place you find yourself right now.

Be careful, friend. Love, Ef.

September 3, 2005
12:11 pm
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ella,

I went to bed angry last nite - angry at my dad for creating this ugly monster that I have become.

when I woke up this morning, I was angry, bitter and resentful at him and my brother.

when I started talking about it with my BF, I totally sank to a depth I have not sunk in a LONG time - 15 years to be exact.

I am TIRED. I don't know WHY I need to do anything. I wanna know WHY I can't have things easier. I wanna know WHY I have to fight so hard to have what other people take for granted. I wanna know WHY I can't just give up and just accept the mess I am and accept that it's the way things will be and be happy with it. I am TIRED of working hard to get a tiny scrap of happiness. I am TIRED of working hard to take only a baby step. and FOR WHAT??????

this isn't about me and my BF, this is about me. this is about my anger and resentment at people who get away with being stupid and doing stupid things and get away with being irresponsible and slackers - and yet are too stupid and ignorant to know people are angry about it and that people actually let them off the hook because they don't know any better.

case in point - my brother grew up being the lazy slacker and my dad let him off of all responsibilities by saying he couldn't expect him to because he was a lazy SOB. and my brother was happy to be let out of the responsibility even if it meant being a lazy SOB. he knew he wasn't, so why did he care what anyone thought. now, after NEVER serving a day in jail for his 14 felonies - he has his own company, and an 06 corvette - not cuz he worked hard adn struggled, but cuz his rich girlfriend gave him the money to back him and supported his a$$ while he went to school and needed money to get started. people hand him everything...and now he has his own company and is making 100K in his first year, and I went to college and make too much money to be poor and too little money to be rich - I just barely stay afloat - to make ends meet, I work for my brother in my spare time - great huh?

my dad - is a lazy alcoholic, and nobody expects anything of him and lets him off the hook cuz "that's how andy is" - and EVERYONE LOVES HIM - and he doesn't know how critical people are or that he's even wrong cuz he's too ignorant to even understand he is doing wrong or what's wrong about it.

then there is me - the one that is so responsible that the minute I accomplish one thing, I am handed another - here, you know how to do dishes, let's see if you can do laundry too - yeah, you can, now clean the bathrooms - and no, you can't get away with not doing it, cuz we know you can...there is no excuse for you.

I am TIRED. I get NOTHING. I struggle and fight for everything I have and have NOTHING to show for it.

I have been struggling for so many years - wtih no therapy, cuz I was told I was strong and smart and nothing was wrong with me, I didn't need help, I could handle it on my own.

I am tired of being strong and smart, I want to be stupid and ignorant and not have anything expected of me and still get handouts left and right and get a total lack of responsibility.

so, it's not me, but why can't it be? cuz I already proved it's not - then I don't wanna be me and I don't like me.

can I quit? I don't know how to quit. so they tell me I have to keep going, keep working, keep fighting...cuz I have to get better - but why? I don't WANT TO - I don't want to try anymore. I just want it all to go away - I don't want to MAKE it go away, I just want it easy for once.

I could go on and on - but you get the idea of where I am at.

I don't know where to go with this.

I missed my CODA meeting for the second week - so much for progress - but I was crying so hard I couldn't make the hour drive to get there on time. As I sit here, my joints ACHE from the stress I just put my body thru. I somehow have to find the strength to drive 45 minutes to my brothers house, because I am his secretary (got to love THAT irony) and need the money to buy groceries.

yes, I am feeling sorry for myself - I have a right to. but I don't know what to do - how to fix it - that will be easy...cuz I do not want the hard path - I have no energy for it.

and then there is this whole detachment issue - they say to detach, let go - don't allow someone else's problems bring you down - but if someone else does something that truly is WRONG AND HURTFUL - don't I have a right to be hurt over it? and if I do - and tell myself it's okay to hurt, then let go, detach - isn't it the same as saying "get over it" which is the same as devaluing the feelings in the first place - saying that yeah, they hurt you, but get over it? so is this the answer - that eventually you "get it" and that the answer is, when you can't get over it and realize that it isn't fair that you have to deny your feelings, you will get rid of the source, instead of putting so much effort in "letting" the feelings go. I have a right to be hurt by what my BF does wrong - cuz the stuff he does is wrong - so letting go, is the same as "get over it" or devaluing how it makes me feel - am I off base? I am so confused about detaching and letting go. If the person causes the hurt, shouldn't they be responsible for fixing it and making it right or better? okay, so if they aren't, can't or won't, and let them stay in my life anyway, then I don't have the right to be hurt by it? cuz I asked for it?

so the answer is, get used to the bad behaviour and don't cry or worry or stress or obsess or try to fix it, just get over it, cuz I am allowing it, or get rid of the source.

I am so lost.

September 3, 2005
12:20 pm
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and it's not only my bro and dad.

my mom has health problems - can't work hard - but has a wonderful boss, and gets paid to do almost nothing - she gets paid more than I do - and works less hours and the benefits - you need a car, here, let me buy you one, you want ot exercise, but cant' afford the gym, here, let me pay for a membership, you want a puppy, here, let me buy you the best of the breed, you need a vacation, here let me send you to hawaii, you can't pay your bills, you are in debt, here, let me pay them off for you, you are worried about retirement, here let me set up a trust fund and put you in my will, you have a migraine, go home or go lay down, I'll have someone else take care of the work for you.

she gets the free ride too...and they say it doesn't last - well, she's had her free ride for 20 years and has it until death.

my dad is the same way, he goes to work and they don't expect anything from him, and know he's such a screw up, they make him go sit in the corner and sleep, and make someone else do it so it gets done right. yeah, the other guys are resentful, but my dad is so ignorant and stupid, he doesn't see it or feel it or even understand it if you tell him.

ignorance is bliss - why couldn't I not know what is wrong and that it could be better.

September 3, 2005
12:35 pm
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Hi Ella: So sorry to hear you're not doing well. I don't know what to do to comfort you other than to say I think you are an intelligent and wonderful person. You have much to share- you have shown what an insightful and caring and giving person by your many posts to this site. You have offered hope to others and have shown your humuility by asking for help. You have shown that you are a special human being.

I have been in deep depession before and don't know really how I improved. I can't say I'm completely out of it but somehow have settled w/ it. Because of this site I have gotten to know myself better and explored some of my ugly side, and at least now I understand it. I don't have many friends to speak of and spend most of my time alone. The only thing that keeps me going is my work. I enjoy it, I'm doing well, and since I am my own boss, I have to do well so that I can support myself. Everything is up to me.

One thing that I have made a staple in my life is to take vacations. It is incentive to work hard and save money so that I can go somewhere. I need to have something planned, something to look forward to. It creates a goal for me. I find travel very rewarding and always go by myself. Joining a tour group is safe and enables me to go places I never thought I would. Have you ever tried anything like that? A single gal can go anywhere in the world these days pretty easily, especially when travelling w/ a group. Plus you meet interesting people, learn so much about the world, and enrich yourself w/ new experiences and a better vision of the world. For me, it takes my focus off of my itty bitty miserable little life and forces me to think of things in a whole new light. It also is empowering to think I actually went to such and such a place by myself. And so many wonderful memories and experiences. Just a suggestion but maybe a change of scenery, even temporarily will help.

I hope you're feeling better today. Try to get out of the house every day, just to see whats outside. Take care, SD

September 3, 2005
3:02 pm
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ella, I have been depressed all my life, no medical condition, just dysfunctional family life. Eh. I progressed, I achieved, I even excelled in many ways, then one day I just stopped. I couldn't do anything anymore. I hated my job. I hated my husband. I hated my father more than usual. I even hated my mother. I hated my mother in law. I hated being broke. I hated the roaches in my house. I hated the commute to the house we moved to. I hated being pregnant. I hated my mother in law because she let my husband turn into a gigantic baby after I had the baby.

After all of that, 3 years, I really got depressed. I lost my job. I moved to another town. I was unemployed and broke. I got a job. I was fired again. I got another job. this was when something happened, 3 years ago - I discovered that it was possible to actually look forward to work. Don't laugh, maybe you have had that experience, but I had been working for almost 12 years in the same field and although I was aware that I hated my job, I did not really think that the job was fuelling my depression - but it was making it worse.

I should have left the first job long before I got fired, but depression makes us feel that we are stuck, that there is nothing we can do to change things, nothing we can do to affect our own lives, but once I knew that it was possible to feel different, I did make another change, I applied for the job I have now. I lived so far away that I had to take a plane into town for the interviews and contract signing, but it was worth it.

I'm still depressed - I don't know when or if I will be free of it - but without spending 8 to 16 hours per day doing things I absolutely hate, I found that I was able to gain some ground, inch by inch. Hating my job and going to that place of soul-sucking death (Some people call it a community college!) would have killed me. The second job I got fired from - my two years there I developed chronic indigestion, an allergy to all dairy products, put on many pounds because I was eating chocolate and sweets furtively in corners to try to keep from crying all the time, developed acne and almost got divorced.

Ah, good times.

The whole point I am making is that if you hate your job so much, tke a risk, send out some resumes and cover letters, post your resume on a job site, look for freelance work, if you're an artist, try to sell some of your work, if you're a musician, find somebody to pay you to play - find some way to get a job that will allow you enough breathing room to start digging yourself out of the pit you're in. You can change things, ella, You can.

September 3, 2005
3:43 pm
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exoticflower
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And Ella, you can do things like this without having to leave the financial security of your current job...just call it a 'day job', something you do ion the side to pay the bills!

September 5, 2005
8:52 pm
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Hi Ella,

We all have periods when we feel life is stagnant, futile, useless, unproductive...unchanging, anything negative.

But that is not true. The reason you feel that way is coz we all hate waiting and patience. Society has formed us to be instant practical people who anticipate immediate results. Patience and waiting are despised by society. The truth is that we are work in progress and that includes you. I agree with SD, you are wonderful and smart lady. I have been enjoying and learning from your posts a lot.

We are all prone to depression, hopelessness, discouragement etc. Esp women due to our hormonal dynamics. Here are few suggestions to help you to cheer up: East healthy food and get enough water; go out in the sun and fresh air whenever possible; mix with kind people and friends; develop your spiritual life. When it comes to loneliness, I am same as you. I have no one single gf and it sucks. But this is the price I am paying for making a choice to go on my healing process. As the adage goes: no gain without pain. We made a choice to work on ourselves and promised to discard anything unhealthy in our life, and that's unhealthy friends. Believe me Ella, today I was praying to my HP to send me gf coz I really miss human contact. I need same gender sex friend to talk with, pray with, go to coffee shop with, shopping etc. My only gf who lives right across the street had depression 3 years ago and stopped talking to me ever since. I tried to intervene and called her, she hung up and refused to speak with me. And because I do not want to become codep, I had to detach from her and respect her decision to be left alone.

We have to be patient and detach.

Ginger! Your post made me crack up! I agree with you, there are many crying souls around us with smiling faces, simply coz their jobs demand them to put on mask of being happy otherwise, they risk losing their jobs. LOL Thank you honey for the laughs! I pray they will make Ella ROFFFFFL

Please Ella, post back and tell us how you feel honey!

((((Hugs & Prayers))))

September 8, 2005
2:19 am
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recently read all those posts... will answer when i can... thank you all so much

love,
ella

September 8, 2005
2:21 am
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Hi Mzrella, you have been on my mind. I hope you doing well.

September 8, 2005
2:24 am
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Ella:

Still here?

HI CPT

September 8, 2005
2:25 am
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Hi MamaC---How are you doing tonight and how is your daughter?

September 8, 2005
10:06 am
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zera
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fuck the meds !! they really only give you one more thing to be miserable about. do not feel that any of the fucked in the head counselers are any better to be honest with you i believe that we can cousel ourself much better but you do have to work on it everyday.my issues are different than your are i am fighting my addictin to meth daily!!and it is getting easier, i also have to deal with my emotional ups and downs that my loved ones get theshit end of mostly all i no is you will feel better letting go of the meds .. god made cannabis for a reason!!!!
do not give up !but mostly do not give in ! zera

September 8, 2005
10:10 am
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oh yea my emotional issues might core from my step dad making me go down on him when i was nine just thought i would give you some insight

September 8, 2005
10:33 am
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Dear Ella,

I wish I could hold you. I know and understand exactly how you fee. Sometimes I just wanted someone to hold onto me and tell me that everything would be ok, that I was ok...So, imagine that I am doing that right now...

Do you have a spiritual life? Not religion. I'm talking about belief--that there is something greater than us in control, or guiding us? Spirituality has definitely been important in getting me healthy.

I also made myself do things that I could never imagine or was too proud to do before--like volunteering at a shelter for abused women, and saying hello to every single person that I pass, or at the very least, giving them a smile and a nod. It may sound to easy, but it helped me to feel that I was a part--an important part--of humanity.

I don't know if this helps, ella. Just want you to know that I care about you...2b

September 8, 2005
10:42 am
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Ella:

Don't give in. FIGHT! I know it's hard; life is hard. But, fight for yourself, fight for those that love you. We are here for you.

September 8, 2005
7:35 pm
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keep your head held high there are alway far worse things going on if you need examples i will share some

September 8, 2005
8:18 pm
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Cat--

The ONE THING that took me out of a depression so bad I couldn't brush my teeth-- was to begin each morning going for a walk in nature, or along a nice road...AND singing / praying whatever was on my heart to God. THIS DID THE TRICK.

ALSO, try to do something for someone less fortunate... help someone to get outside of yourself. Do someone a good turn w/o getting found out. Call up three people and ASK HOW THEY ARE. Stop talking about it. Stop thinking about it. Just feel it. Let it wash over and through and out of you. Grieve it. If you can feel it, you can heal it.

ASK FOR HUGS FROM PEOPLE. Smile...just plaster it on your face-- I recently had a problem that caused me to kind of grimace--which everyone around mistook for a smile. WOW--I have never had so many people smiling (back) at me. I guess I don't usually smile!

I believe our thinking causes our difficulties. Try to reframe your problems into blessings. Write a gratitude list. Tell people you love them after every encounter.

I believe in doing something ANYTHING sometimes. Other times, JUST BE WITH IT w/o resistance. Let it out in tears and fears w/ spomeone safe beside you holding your hand. FIND SOMEONE capable of being there for YOU. BE THERE for someone else.

Pray. Thank God in advance for what he is already doing to bless your life.

Love,
LASS

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