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fear of relationships
May 29, 2000
8:04 pm
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mr friendly
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Fear…so great that it feels like a tremendous amount of weight on your chest that stops you from breathing. Fear…so great that it feels like a rope around your neck that strangles you into submission, not allowing you to move in any direction. This is what I feel towards relationships with women. I am a 34 year old man that has never been on date, let alone a relationship with a women. The loneliness is becoming unbearable. I always believed that a woman would come along whose attraction was so great that I would overcome the fear. As the years have passed, I gave up on that dream, but somewhere deep down I always had a little flicker of hope. As I turn 35 this year, I believe that the hope is dying and I do not know if I will survive. Am I an attractive man? No, I do not believe so. Am I successful? Yes, probably more than most. Was I abused? No. Did I have a happy childhood? Yes and no, I was not neglected. My parents were good, hard working people. Do I have self-esteem or self-respect problems? Yes, BIG TIME. But, I do not know how to stop thinking this way. To give you an example, I recently moved from my hometown where I lived my whole life. I have wonderful family, friends and coworkers. They all planned wonderful farewell parties, with gifts and beautiful words of kindness towards me. To this day, I still do not understand why. I do not know what I did to affect their lives in such a way to deserve the outpouring of love they gave me. I wish I knew how to change my way of thinking. A different perspective would very much be appreciated. Thank you for listening!

May 29, 2000
8:27 pm
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heartfelt
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mr friendly......sounds to me as if you have everything going for you other than a relationship.....there are , as you know kinds of relationships between men and women. Some may start as friends and blossom into a deeper state. Some remain lifelong friends. Ever try a blind date just for the fun of it.it certainly does'nt have to be traumatic. Sounds as if back home you are very much loved.I think that's wonderful and a blessing. I am a shy person by nature and needed to learn to FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. Ask someone out, make it safe for you...it's not going to kill you. If someone says no, it's ok. Go on, it takes a risk and a degree of being vulnerable.....you can do it. I imagine you affected others lives by being compassionate, respectful, giving, and loving to recieve such a warm farewell on your new path..what makes you feel that those traits don't go with you?

May 29, 2000
9:45 pm
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mr friendly
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Heartfelt...thank you for your response. To tell you the truth, I had to logoff and think about your questions awhile. When I first read your response, I did not know how to respond. But, here goes...you are right when you say that I have everything going for me except for a relationship. That is the very thing that I long for...a solemate that I can share all aspects of life with. A blind date...how I wish I could do that. The logical side in me says you are right...I will survive if I am rejected. My emotional side equates a rejection with jumping off a bridge...you just don't do it! Seems silly doesn't it? I prefer to become friends with a person first. With women, I find it diffcult to do if the packaging is not correct. I feel that I am evaluated and discarded within the first minute even before I am able to say a few words. When I do get the opportunity to say something, I become a babbling idiot. Either way, rejection follows. I have lived my whole life believing that loniness is less painfull than rejection. Today, it all feels bad. I definitely feel the fear, but I can not seen to set it aside. Placing myself in the that state of vulnerabity scares me to death.

What makes me feel that the traits you mentioned don't go with me...well, I believe I treat people with compassion, respect, and love, but I do not realize that I am doing it. When someone asks for help or advice, I just give it, no strings attached. I do not analyze what or how I did it. I guess this is why I am surprised when someone returns the favour and treats me with compassion, respect, and love. Thank you for listening.

May 30, 2000
2:59 pm
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news
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I think you should try harder to overtake your fears. You might be surprised at how much easier it is to do things in reality rather than wondering how it is and how it could be. Try to find a girl who needs friendship, to start, and express some of your distress as it occurs. Maybe you will even start smiling and find out that somehow we are all a little afraid and...humans!

May 30, 2000
3:49 pm
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vositor
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Apparently your fear isn't affecting other people, if they like you so well they want to give you a party to show how much they like you. (That, by the way is the reason for the party.)

For a long time now, people who have to give speeches have been using beta blockers (high blood pressure medicine) to counteract their terror. Now there's a drug being advertised for social anxiety. Maybe it's something to ask your doctor about.

A sure=fire way to meet a lot of women is tell one your friends' wives that you're looking for a girlfriend because you want to get married.

Another good way, or so I've heard, is to borrow a baby and take it for a stroller ride around a mall. If a healthy prospect shows up among the hordes of women who mob you to see the baby, you can just mention that you're practicing for the time when you have you own babies . . . that will surely melt anyone's heart.

May 31, 2000
3:26 am
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hazza
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Vositor, you are sly!!

All is fair in love and war so they say!

Mr Friendly - why did you choose that name?
Surely you know that one of your strengths is your ability to be nice and make people feel comfortable?
Don't be modest admit it to yourself. You are allowed to like yourself you know!

So why no dates?
If you are ,as can be expected, attracted to women who have a similar approach to life as you do. then surley these women are shy too. They may not feel able to make a move on you and so if you don't ask them out - nothing happens!

Are there any woment in your life right now who you woul dlike to know better??
if so then great, just arrange some time together, maybe as a group of people at first.

If not then I must say - Vositors idea about asking friends wives for their help sounds excellent!

Maybe you need to learn to talk to women too and realise that we are just human beings like you too.

Talk to women that you know, learn that the pressure you feel is coming from you inside. Just a conversation about the weather would be good practice wouldn't it?

You sound lke a lovely person, good heart good manners and caring and well liked.
try to see that that shows you that you do have a worth and you should believe in yourself.
and keep trying, fair heart never won fair maiden!
peace
Hazza

May 31, 2000
5:19 am
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Iris
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Try to think of women (whenever you approach them) as "human-beings" and not as ONLY " females".

May 31, 2000
8:07 pm
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mr friendly
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Thank you all for your wonderful advice and your kind words of encouragement. But, I have come to realize that I do not have the courage to overcome my fear. I just can’t do it. I wish I could. I made a mistake by starting this discussion…as it is more painful than I imagined. I apologize for wasting your time. I wish you all the very best! It takes very kind-hearted people to help others in their time of need. Please continue your good work! Goodbye.

May 31, 2000
9:09 pm
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cerry
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Mr Friendly,

I have read your thread and I do agree with you about fear. I too was one of those individuals. I was so afraid that not only did it feel like someone was standing on my chest but I too had difficulty breathing, felt faint, headache, wanting to run but couldn't and even the feeling as if I were going to die. I guess it sounds like a panic attack almost like stage fright but worse. To make a long story short it stop me from doing what I dreamed of for an extremely long time.

I know words don't always help from others but I did learn how to control the fear or panic attacks. I guess it stems back to a dramatic experience, maybe I don't know. I do know that now if and when I do feel the fear I take 3 nice deep breaths as this tends to slow down your heart from racing. I know this period will pass and it has noted that 98% of the time nothing does happen to you. Facing the fear is always a problem for alot people. I ride the wave if you get my drift. I don't fight it but ride it out until its over. I'm still here.

As far as being 35 years old and not having a soulmate, well my mother would say you are just a "pup". You are not old as age is just a number. Not having someone in your life to me tells me that you have been either too busy working to be successful or maybe you had a bad experience. I was almost destroyed by a relationship and swore I would never want to be in another one. Well, that was not the case. I was once told you would meet someone when you least expect it. You seem to be looking and not enough enjoyment in our short lifes. Stop looking and get out and enjoy yourself. What do you do for entertainment? Do you go out with friends? Do you have friends? If not, go and do something other than work and get involved. It can be a lonely world but it is what you do with your time that makes the difference.

We women are just like you, human. We all need someone and some of us are afraid of a relationship because of their past as in bad relationship. I use to feel as you do but today I am very happy with friends. I too stumble with words when talking to a nice guy but don't we all sometime or another. Its only natural and in away some of us women don't think of men as yourself as being an idiot. We look at you as being brave and feel flattered that you would ask us out. Take a day at a time and be happy. There is a difference between feeling lonely and being alone.
Take care
Your friend
Cerry

June 1, 2000
1:51 am
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Iris
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Change is not easy; however, it is not impossible. No one can change you. You can change yourself if you want . Will is not wishful thinking , it is action . When you say " ... I can't do it " you are making an obstacle, you are resisting change . You have to take the risk; which is painful, but - as Cerry explained : You have to " ride the wave ".

It is clear that you are afraid to take the risk. After you started this discussion and viewed responses ( which imply that YOU are the only one who is responsible for your change ) you became more scary. That is OK , but don't escape, face the situation. It is your life and you are the one who is going to continue suffering if you do not act. It is up to you.

Stay with us until you get the courage to ride the wave, or get a professional help.

Good Luck.

June 1, 2000
3:11 pm
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heartfelt
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mr friendly......sometimes time wasted is time well spent....that's the easy part to throw in the towel. It may be time to pick it up, wipe off your brow and realize that, as in the movie "What about Bob", we begin to progress and grow by taking little tiny steps. One in front of the other. You've been talking to some very intelligent, creative women at this site who, as I can see have much information to offer....com'on guy when the student is ready the teacher will follow. By listening, sharing and being a part of this community, I've seen some pretty wonderful things evolve. We're all worth the effort and thank God we're all being heard.

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