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fear of commitment
October 17, 2005
1:14 am
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understandinglove
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I have been hanging out with a friend of mine for about five months now. We started off as friends but soon realized that we were both interested in each other so it became something more. We have tried to go back to being friends twice because we thought that would be the rational thing to do since i graduated from college and moved away and he has another year to go. But we have realized that we are meant to be more than friends so we went back on our commitment to only be friends both times.

We have discussed dating many, many times but have not actually titled ourselves as dating yet. Neither of us has ever been sure that we want to date the other person but now he has decided that he definitely wants to date me and i'm terrified of the commitment, of whether or not we're right for each other, and of getting tied down by a realationship. (I should mention that i haven't dated before...) He is patient with me, telling me that he doesn't want to force me to date him and that he wants me to be comfortable with whatever decision i make, but that only seems to increase the pressure that i feel.

He was supportive of me all summer while i struggled through a summer of trying to figure out why i was feeling depressed when i had so many opportunities to look forward to as a college grad. I eventually went to a counselor who helped me figure out that i'm codependent. When we were talking about it, i told the counselor about him and the way he fits into a more codependent than counterdependent role, meaning that we're both codependent, at least to a point. The counselor said that two codependents will never be able to have a strong relationship. I was wondering if anyone has any thoughts on what this counselor said about both of us being more codependent than counterdependent. And what do i do about my fear of commitment?

October 17, 2005
2:34 am
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garfield9547
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Hi Understandinglove

As I have it a counterdependant and a codependant is both codependant. We all work on ourselves to become interdependent.
My brother struggles with commitment and being in therapy for a very long time now I understand what the therapist once said of loving and hating. Being enmeshed with my mother I had ambivilant fellings towards her. That is to love and hate at the same time. With no contact I am healing at a pase I can hardly believe myself. Go and read on ambivilant (hope I spelled it corectly) relationships. Maybe this is totally not you, but maybe there is something for you.
Good luck - will post again

Garfield

October 17, 2005
3:57 pm
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kathygy
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I believe that two co-dependents can have a strong relationship if they are both committed to working on change and not being codependent.

Your friend just asked you to date. You are acting as though he asked you to marry him. You don't have to make a committment to him if you don't want to.

If you agree to take it one date at a time with reassessmnet after everydate you might not feel so afraid. You could ask yourself after each date if you want to go out on another date with him or not. You could establish some ground rules. What would help you feel safer? Do you want to go out on a date with him?

October 17, 2005
5:08 pm
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understandinglove
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Kathy-
You're right. It is only dating and not marraige. I guess i get caught up in the seriousness because we aren't in the same state, which means that we don't get to simply go on dates. Instead, we end up seeing each other for entire weekends at a time so there's a little more pressure.

Also, i we spend most of our time together alone with each other but when i saw him this past weekend we were around his friends and it felt totally different. I felt like i didn't know him nearly as well as i think i do.

Thanks for the advice both of you. It helps me put things in perspective and i really appreciate it!

October 17, 2005
5:15 pm
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understandinglove
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I thought of something else i wanted to add. I think maybe i'm scared of commiting to him because i'm scared of becoming dependent on him. I feel codependent enough with my friends, i don't need to feel that way with someone i'm dating. Maybe if i make him aware of some of my codependent tendencies he could help me avoid that?

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