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Fear of Being Alone
September 10, 2001
4:00 pm
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pam g fu
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Is the fear of being alone one of the reasons we sometimes won't leave a failing relationship?

September 10, 2001
4:08 pm
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Of course!

But, think about integrity and the self respect we maintain by leaving anyway.

Or, take a good hard look at your own contribution to the failure and make some changes...

September 10, 2001
6:13 pm
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In order to be alone we have to like ourselves.

September 12, 2001
10:37 pm
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Pam,

There is difference between being alone and feeling alone. I have been through both. I was almost at the end of a rope and didn't have anyone to turn to. Yes, you have to not only like yourself but love yourself. It took me some time but I found out who I was and enjoyed being bymyself. No, I am not a hermit but I enjoy being bymyself as it gives me the strength to discover and go on and learn each day. It gives my my independence. I was at one time in a relationship that ended a long while ago. I didn't think I could go on but it got to the point where I felt scared to live as the hurt and loneliness almost over took me. I found me and my independence but in doing so I regain my confidence and selfesteem. It made me stronger. You will find yourself, just take care of YOU.
Take care and best of wishes. You have alot friends here who care, believe me, I know.
Cerry

September 13, 2001
10:50 am
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pam g fu
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Cerry. Thank you! I am a very strong person but I have allowed my husband to tear that down. I was married for 16 years before my present husband and we use to have so much together but with all that has gone on this year we have really been torn apart and I am faced with decisions that I must make for myelf. But deep in the back of my mind is my husband saying, who is going to want someone like you. I will be 50 in December and my husband is 35, and he has always chosen to have older women in his life. We have been married 2 years on August 16th. It would take forever for me to just hit on the major issues, but the main thing here is me. He has controlled me for so long and I have been the sole supporter for the few months. And I have reached a point of he is more of a liability than an asset. I love my husband but I don't like him very much right now and the relationship definitely is not healthy. I know I am attractive for my age and have been told this by any people. Yes, I do need to build my self-confidence back up because I have always been very independent have always been able to take care of myself. I enjoy doing things for other people more than I enjoy doing for myself. I have always been that way.

September 13, 2001
8:53 pm
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cerry
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Pam,

Learn from your lessons my dear. You do more for others than yourself. You seem to be a very giving person and have put up with alot. You must have gone down many roads and still looking for your happiness or a peace and serenity. It sounds like you have a giving heart but right now you forgot something, YOU. It is always a hard thing to do when you must face a decision that is better for you. In doing so you feel guilty and sometimes it eats you alive. Being 50 is not old , its whats inside you that keeps you alive. As far as the comment from your husband, it was pretty down low of him to say that and my opinion of this is that he appears afraid that you will leave him and then what does he have. A meanful way of saying who will have you, don't worry dear, there are so many man out there wanting a heart like yours. You right now are in the drivers seat whether you are aware of it or not. You are supporting yourself aswell as a 35 year old who is attracted to over women. Have you ever thought he was looking for a "mother"? Don't let that get you down. Usually when any relationship is rocky, self esteem and confidence are affected big time. And yes, we always wonder if someone would love us. You are not too old to do anything nor are you too old to meet the right person for you. Just don't go looking for them. If someone loves you they will come after you. You apparently feel trapped in a situation as probably wonder what your next step is. Forget those comments about who will want you. Take a break and do what you want to do.
I use to feel that way about myself, doing for others more than myself. Then when I was on my own, I had to figure out who I was, what I liked, and what I should do with myself. Change is good, and can be frightening. We don't want to hurt the ones we love but at the same time we hungry for love. I use to take long wakes and just look around me and look at the beauty that surrounded me. I went places where I never went before on my own, it was scary at first but afterwards I was glad I did.
Maybe you should get away for awhile if you can. It might help you think more about what you would like to do. Meeting other people just to talk to is nice , they might appreciate it and I think it would give you something aswell. I am here for you Pam, just remember, beauty is not just on the outside, it is what is inside that counts. You have alot going for you right now yet you don't know it. Don't waste time on things bringing you down. Go for the stars and the light will shine on YOU. Just wait and see. Take care, your friend, Cerry

September 14, 2001
12:18 pm
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You words are so true. Sometimes I wonder also if I feel that I am admitting failure, this is my 2nd marriage and my husband was sure to bring that up last night when we were discussing why I was not going to give him 400-500 to travel to Broger, Texas to get a job with H.B. Zachry. I told him that he could work to get there if he wanted that the bank was closed. Didn't much like that at all and said that i hold all the cards, but little does he know that he is in control of his life and he choses the road that he travels down. Now all of a sudden after 6 weeks he decides that it is time to work, well 6 weeks too late mind you. So he is doing mechanic work and finding that just because he can't do the kind of work that he loves so much that God gave him a gift that he can use in the meantime whether he wants to or not. Part of me tells me to let him go and another part tells me to stay. I'm not good at good-byes and I don't want to send him on his way with nothing even though he has forgotten me when he was in Kentucky for 4 months and I was without a job and no money and he said he would send me money but never did, I was devastated and that has been hard to forget. Especially when he says that he will send me money, I know how that goes all too well and I know that I deserve better than this I am told by so many. I feel that in my state of mind I don't do well in making major decisions I did that when I asked my ex-husband of 16 years for a divorce and realize that that situation was nothing like I am going through right now.

Thanks for your time to respond it is greatly appreciated more than you know.

September 16, 2001
5:47 pm
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Hi Pam,

Your welcome. I don't mind one bit. If you need someone to converse with, support, or someone just to listen to you when you feel lonely and not sure what you should do, someone will always be there when you least expect it. Sometimes I use to think that if I work but butt off it would pay off but sometimes it did and other times it didn't. I just depends on the situation. I know you want to be happy and going through two relationships seems like a failure but if you can look at the positive. Take all the negatives you have in your life right now and think of ways of making them positive. If you are alone for instance, don't think of feeling lonely, think of what you could accomplish in the meantime. Sometimes it takes your mind off of other bothersome tasks, or people or situations. It doesn't mean you forget it just means take time for you.
Many people go through simular situations such as yourself and I too am one of them. It was years ago and yes, I too have been through two relationships, one of them 11 years. My last relationship almost devastated me. I too thought I was a strong person until it happened and didn't know what to do, had no money, no job, lost +++ weight and no where to turn. It is odd how we all find inner strenght from somewhere to keep us alive. I didn't want to live but I'm here. Basically, I lost everything I had worked so terrible hard for. People can play mind games, they can knock you down until you can hardly stand. How much can someone take before they give in?
It was along time for to realize that I didn't want to live this way anymore, I didn't like who I was and didn't want to be in the situation I was in.
We must take a step back and look from the outside in and vise versa. We must get back what we lost and the most important thing is our self respect, self esteem, confidence. Even today, sometimes I am afraid to do certain things but convince myself by looking back and reflecting the time I was very very unhappy.
To me ever day is a learning experience, somedays are good and others not as good. But I keep on living , not just exist but live. If I am not sure what to do in certain situations I ask the ones with the experience, and take one day as it comes.
Your husband from what you said about him sending money I believe has his own motives and you are not really one of his concerns only if money applies.
Ask yourself this but really think hard. Do you love him because of his generous heart, his looks, his comfort, his trust, his companionship. If you really think about it, you already have these qualities within yourself.
We never want to hurt the ones we care for or love but there is a time in our lives we have to make major decisions. These decisions are based on what we look for in need to help ourself.
Your husband appears not to have his live in order and leaches from you, more so bring you down. Sometimes that weight can bring you down and sometimes we feel we can't get up. Make yourself happy and even do something for your self, even if it is little. Take time away from the situation, go visit, or just go away for a little while away from the home. You don't have to be accountable for your actions as your husband doesn't appear to anyway himself.
If I can give you some advise, take a little bit of money each paycheck if you can and open up a savings account. Just keep putting a little in it each time but keep it to yourself. You may need it down the road. It is not deceiving as you did earn it and it seems like noone else is contributing. Maybe what you should do one day is talk with your husband and express that you are not happy, and that if matters don't change you will have to leave to keep yourself happy. If he throws cheap remarks at you, ignore it as it is his way of saying, "who will take care of me". At least you will give him notice and not surprise him if you do leave. He would be warned and when you do if you do leave, at least you gave him the warning. Keep telling him, "I'm happy", he might get the message and realize it and maybe never realize it until your gone.
Hang in there, your ok. You will be fine, just find your inner strenght. We have it in us, we just don't know how, when or where.

Take care,
Cerry

September 18, 2001
9:21 am
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hi, i'm aqua and in an unhappy marriage. i've finally decided to leave my husband, but now it's getting closer, i'm getting more scared of being along. i know the relationship is a destructive one, but i don't know if i'll be able to cope alone. i haven't suffered any of the usual problems: violence, adultery, drinking - it's just that i've never felt loved or supported by my husband. he says that the fact i don't feel loved is my problem - maybe he's right?

September 18, 2001
12:06 pm
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Cerry, thank you so much for you thought and time. I do have the innerstrength and it took going to the emergency room this weekend to realize that he was not there for me and that drinking and being with his friends is more important that being with his wife. These are his choices and I chose not to live that way. I deserve, we all deserve respect. I had told him at the beginning of the month that things have to change or I have to leave this relationship. Look up to God and he will give us our strength.

September 18, 2001
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pam g fu
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Aqua - it is not your problem that you don't feel loved. But like I have been reading we have to love ourselves first before we can accept or give love. Our spouses tend to brain wash us so we will stay in the controlled environment and not go on to better things in life, which there are, we don't have to chose to live the way that we do. If you are not happy then only you can do something about it just as I am. Lifestyle modification. Don't let what happened to me this weekend happen to you.

September 18, 2001
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I, too, am scared of being alone. But really I've felt so lonely for the past many years. I have been in this marriage for 23 years. He is an alcoholic, but says he's not because he drinks beer (everyday). I told him last weekend as I've told him many times before...choose me or beer. He said ok - it's done, but I think he's sneaking around it somehow.. you just learn to recognize the traits after so many years. I know I want to leave. I have been the total caretaker for so long, but now can't find the courage to face creditors, selling the house, the actual move, etc. I think this is the lowest point yet. The love is gone for him, and I can't get it back. I'm scared, lonely, and really don't know what to do next. Wish I had some strong person to just tell me what to do next. Our financial status has been up and down over the years and now it's at an all time low cause he "doesn't want to work as hard". He says he wants to be home everynight. But, of course, he's totally unconcerned about bills, and offers absolutely NO help on solutions.

Thanks for any suggestions you may have....I need a lot.

Jan (sadnlonely)

September 18, 2001
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pam g fu
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sadnlonely

You have proven that you can take care of yourself you need to find Alanon meetings in the area near you to help you with this situation. It will give you the strength to withdraw from him and focus merely on yourself. At Alanon they say the Serenity Prayer-God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can anf wisdom to know the difference. If your husband hasn't respected you and himself to quit drinking for himself, then he won't without assistance. It is a disease and you can't do it for him. It is never too late to start over. But I truly understand how you feel. Look up God will help you through this and just change the channel from your husband to the sadnloney channel and focus on you.
God bless

September 19, 2001
11:27 am
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cerry
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Dear Pam j fu, Sad n lonely and aqua,

It appears we all have different lives and situations but the one thing we have in commonis a road block. The road block is FEAR. Fear is "F"alse "E"vidence "A"ppearing "R".

This doesn't mean that there are things around you not happening, it only suggests that when we don't do certain things because of the out come. We don't know what the outcome is but it might be better than we think it may appear.
Do you remember when you had to do something , maybe applying for a job and you were terrified and thought the worse, like the "if what happens" statement, or I won't go some place because something bad might happen? These are only a few things. In our situations, we are afraid to go and be happy thinking maybe I will fail, or I won't be able to help myself, I will loose my job, I won't have the money.....The big one is "I AM ON MY OWN, oh God what "if" I can't do it.

YOU can do it, it only takes determination, willpower, courage and hardwork, including self estemm and confidence. After being in a long situation with someone continously putting us down and taking away are hope and dreams we tend to get weak and feel bad about ourselves. We just have to look for the opportunities we have lying infront of us. There are so many of us that feel that way and the first part in this process is to take care of ourselves. First a clear and rested mind needs nourishment. Eat healthy, take long walks on your own. Look at others around you that have simular situations. We tend to know how to help the others we see but have a hard time helping ourselves. We all have the tools, its just knowing and learning to use them to our advantage.
We get ourselves into a comfortable inviroment and then find that it is not what we are looking for or wanted in the first place. We have to CHANGE and change is good but it is scary, demanding, determination and can be stressful.
Loneliness comes from within our ownselves and what others have contributed to making us feel this way but mainly because we let it happen.
Now it is up to us to make it happen, get movtivated and when even the slightest good thing happens be happy and keep going forward. It may take sometime but replaces misery and helps gain self respect.
NOONE, can make you do anything you don't want to do unless you let them and its up to you to make the move. We have so many resourses out there that assist individuals as ourselves. It will astound you at what you can accomplish.
I was in a horrid situation one time in my life. My life at time and believe me I was so afraid and alone and noone around to help me. I cried and starved and had no money, no home, no hope, and no future. It was my inner strength and hard work that got me here. Some days I didn't think I was worth living. I was so lonely that I was afraid to even go outside and shaking all the time. I fell apart. I was so alone and afraid to go on, I afraid of failure. That was almost 3 years ago. Now, I am back, living, and have a place of my own, my own decisions, my space do to what I want to do. I am happy these days. Each day I remind myself of my accomplishments. There are days that get me down and feel lonely but I over come that by going forward , taking care of my needs. I do like to help others to, but I will always take of me, other wise if I don't , who will.
Here is one of my nicest moments by myself. Just imagine it in your own mind. I just had a relaxing bath and ready for bed. I am relaxing on my warm couch in the comfort of my own home. The day was exhausting from work but it was Friday night and I was looking out the window and feeling the cool breeze blow on my face and I listened to the rain coming down and thunder in the distance. I was warm and dry and enjoying nature. I was all by myself and it felt good. Smile
Cerry
It gets better...

September 19, 2001
3:58 pm
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Cerry, that was absolutely beautiful. I have evaluted my life which includes medical care along with a new haircut to boost my spirits and appearance and like I told sadnlonely I have changed the channel from my spouse to focus on me and I feel good for the first time in a very long time. Everthing you have said is true, we can overcome and as we observed by last week's events, life is so short so we need to live it to the fullest.

September 19, 2001
8:22 pm
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Thats terrific pam I am really happy for you. Doesn't it feel good? I am really really happy for you, Keep up the good work.

Indeed, life is passing so fast so we must enjoy each day as it comes.

That is a starter and you did very well. Remember, life is like a roller coaster as we ride up and down the roads in our life. Some days are better that others and there will be days when you feel like you will slip backwards but remember to keep on going, it does get better.

When you feel good everyone around senses it. In your case be cautious of your husband. Sometimes when we feel good about ourselves we want to share it with others. There is nothing wrong with that but be cautious not to give it ALL away if we tend to be giving. He might see that you are feeling better and looking good too and may try to take an advantage of you. He might say mean things to you but just ignore them as you know there not true. If he should try and argue with you or make you feel guilty nice tell him that his behaviour and comments are not called for and you don't appreciate the put downs. If he should continue walk away. If he tries to get you upset REMEMBER: Never raise your voice, once you have your out of control and have already lost the battle. Stay calm and nicely state that you are leaving the conversation and when he is feeling better you will talk then. Go on with your own busy and keep yourself busy. Be happy. Stand tall and be proud of who you are. You seem to be on the right track and I am very proud of you.
Good for you Pam
Cerry

Oh yeah, I forgot something on the last entry. Fear is: "F" False, "E" Evidence "A" Appearing "R" Real.

Best of luck and God Bless

September 20, 2001
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pam g fu
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Cerry, one this they teach you in Alanon is always use the language when an altercation is coming that you chose not to participate in this conversation at this time and I will not allow you to talk to me that way. And as long as I am in control and my husband is not and as long as I stay focused with God and myself my life is on the right track. Like you said sometimes we have to hit the bottom to bounce back up.

God bless you.

Pam

September 20, 2001
11:07 am
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cerry
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Very well said.

How are you doing anyway with the situation at home. Have you made any other plans for your future?

I am sorry pam as I am not familiar with Alanon and what it stands for. I live in Canada and maybe we have something here that is simuliar but named different. Maybe you could assist me with what it is and stands for.

I am glad you are going forward with YOUR accomplishments and wish you the best.

God Bless
Cerry

September 20, 2001
11:13 am
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pam g fu
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Cerry, Alanon is a support group for our spouses that either have an alcohol or drug problem. It is a support group for us in dealing with their disease. Matter of fact one of the main things they say is the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Widsdom to know the difference. You can go to Alanon.com and they have schedules all over but maybe in Canada it is called something else. They also have one for teens and it is Alateen for friends and families of alcoholics and drugees. It sounds like you have been through the wringer and have accomplished alot, friends and family are wonderful we need to cherish every moment we have.

talk to you later

September 21, 2001
1:49 am
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Hi pam,

Thank you for the information. I appreciate it. I recognize the Serenity Prayer as we have an organization or group that is called AA which means Alcoholic Anoynomus. Maybe its the same thing, I'm not sure.

Thank you for your concern pam, and yes, I have had my share in pain and sorrow. I am 5'6" and about 3 years ago I was hurt very badly and almost didn't live to tell it. If you can imagine being my height, medium build and only weighing 96 pounds. Yes, I was almost at the end of distruction. I am not preaching but, I do believe in miracles and I do believe in God. It was a stranger, but in eyes an angel who helped me get through the horrid events. It did make me a stronger person. I was so weak I could barely stand without fainting.

I am here but like everyone else we never know what is to come of us only that we have a journey to take and in that journey we do what we need to do to be happy to the fulliest.

I went through hell for a long while and did manage to get back on my feet. It was hard to start over again with nothing. I did manage to get back on my feet, started working which was very scary and then looking at my life I had to make alot of changes and sacrifices. I learned alot about me and started to enjoy the simple things in life. It saddens me when people cry over not having enough money to got out and buy luxuries. I didn't even have enough money to buy food, or clothes.
I did have it all at one time, the luxury, but it was all lost. (another story) Finally I was on my feet again and striving just like others. Just as I got back on my feet I was hit by another blow. I was diagnosed with a form of cancer. I live with it but each day I give thanks that I can get up in the morning and smile. But mainly my point is...it can be done if you have the will to make it work. Anything is possible. But on the brighter side, I love my music and will write, compose/arrange and be happy.
Take care,
Cerry

September 21, 2001
11:08 am
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Cerry,
You are most welcome. Alanon is the sister group for AA. By the way when you get your music on a cd let me know i want to buy one.

Also I know what it is like to be at the bottom, i have had to start over from nothing, and I realize it takes alot less to live than it use to. It made me appreciate and be thankful for everyday that I can work and enjoy the good things that God has given me the ability to provide for myself. I let myself follow my heart and ended up back home without anything but my clothes, I know I have been there. But look what we have accomplished now. I will always keep you in my prayers. Both of our life's hardships enables us to help those who are in the situations or similar situations that we were in. But we are not alone, God is with us every minute every day. God Bless Cerry.

Pam

September 21, 2001
12:53 pm
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pam g fu
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FOR EVERYONE:

Cerry, this is beautiful go to this website and pull it up
http://www.grnco.net/~cbm/thought.htm

September 21, 2001
1:12 pm
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Thank you pam,

I am not sure where you are but from where I am the economy doesn't look too stable. It is a scary thing to turn on the T.V. these days. It really hits home. Even though I am not American my heart goes out to them.
I cannot believe what is happening!!! From what I have been seeing and hearing it may get worse. God help us.

This is very odd but my mother was reading a book and I will find out what it was called but it described in detail the events of the distruction of the twin towers, among others. The day of the disaster and after the first plane hitting she stated that the book she was reading stated the second one was going to get hit aswell. I felt sick. I have to find that book and read it. That is very odd that that book would have that information before it happened. Don't you think. I am very curious. I have emailed her and asked her to forward me the name and author of the book. That bothers me alot.
Cerry

September 21, 2001
2:14 pm
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pam g fu
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Cerry,

Nostradamus back in 1654 i believe i am not sure, but it predicts it in the bible also. Everyone needs to find their way back to God he has the power to prevent the destruction, we can't do this alone I am in Texas and yes it was scary the day this happened we had to evacuate. We have to keeop the faith. The world has gotten so out of hand. Yes when you find out the name of that book let me know. Lef Behind is an excellent book and there was also a movie that shows all the christians be taken in the end and the rest were left behind to either accept God or be lost.

September 21, 2001
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pam g fu
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cerry, here it is:In the City of God there will be a great thunder, Two brothers torn apart
by Chaos, while the fortress endures, the great leader will succumb, The
third big war will begin when the big city is burning." "And The steel birds
will attack the Towers, and the Towers would collapsed, and from the ashes
of the Towers will rise a big war."

- Nostradamus 1654

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