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fear - lightbulb moment
September 13, 2005
9:28 am
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Anonymous
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just realized that BF is acting/reacting out of fear - and I am not anymore.

I don't fear the outcome - I don't fear losing him.

he fears losing me, he fears failing to have his dream come true, he fears having to find an apartment, he fears being alone again, he fears change, he fears changing for "us"

he says I am wrong and that I don't know him at all - I told him I may not know him - but that it was exactly this problem that caused this - and I want it fixed and he is resisting and he will be the reason for the failure.

he claims I want us to fail - he won't recognize the efforts I am putting forth the change to save "us" - that if I truly wanted failure, I would have stayed just the way things were - that was the sure recipe for failure - my therapy and meetings and research are driving me to want to succeed - he isn't seeing that as wanting to succeed but rather the way out.

I can't change his mind - and am sick that I have been engaging with him all morning - but at the same time - I am using all I learned to keep an even keel and not let him manipulate me into sucking it up and withdrawing my expectations and boundaries, the more I put my foot down, the better I feel and the more empowered I feel and the quicker this is going to end - and when it does, I will know that it was not cuz I did anything wrong, but that I finally did something RIGHT - for me anyway - and that's all that matters.

September 13, 2005
9:37 am
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columbia
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Good for you.

September 13, 2005
9:50 am
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notsoperki
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Hi Alicat
I'm sorry that you have to go through that. He sounds really jealous that you aren't freaking out like he is and he can't understand it.
My last BF did the same thing. He always talked big, i'm going to go back to school, i'm going to get this certification, i'm gonna get a new truck...etc..etc..etc..but nothing ever came of anything he said. I learned to let it go in one ear and out the other.

But when I did all the things HE wanted to do HE got scared and angry and yelled at me that I was preparing to leave him. and no amount of discussion would change his mind. He would just get used to it and about a couple weeks down the road he'd be fine.

I think that your lightbuld did light up this morning! Good job at keeping your cool. One trick that I used with my ex was whenever he was going off about something I would kindly turn my back for a second make a face and roll my eyes then turn back around..hahahaha it always made me feel just a little better. and whenever things got to bad I would step outside and get some fresh air and he would usually follow and the thought that other people could hear would quite him down

September 13, 2005
9:51 am
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gayle
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Ali you are so right. You are really moving beyond your codependency and taking care of your self first! That is so right and you are making decisions that are good for you and its up to him to do something now, either to choose to work on things himself and meeting your needs or moving on to allow you to continue to grow and give you the opportunity to find someone who can! I am so proud of you honey! You are an inspiration!

September 13, 2005
10:15 am
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lita
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alicat, that is why i listen so carefully when you give me your advice. because to me you lead by example. and that is you to a t. keep up the good work. you are always in my prayers. you have helped me so much. i just wanted to post here. and let you know im here if you need me.

September 13, 2005
10:24 am
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Anonymous
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well lita, the other side is that I am also human like everyone else here - and while I feel so pumped up about this - I am shaking in my boots!!!

I know I set the boundary - and I have to stick to it - and that's something that is taking sooooo much effort right now.

I know what I want - and have been scared to ask for it - so many people say what I wanted was irrational and such - or that it was too much - but when I realized that his opening up to me went beyond the cheating and was a core issue for our relationship - and one that would prevent us from ever being truly intimate with eachother on an emotional level - then is when I realized I need to keep asking for it - that it no longer is about trusting he won't cheat, but about his trusting me with "who" he really is - which is what I think is the issue - he has repeatedly, in tears (and perhaps in his manipulative mode) told me he is afraid to go to therapy, cuz he is afraid to find out who he really is and how bad he really is - and my answer NOW is that if he doesn't like himself and love himself - how can he expect me to - in the past, my answer was "but honey, I love you, I know there is nothing I can't handle, you are a great person, I know you are"...now, I don't know that to be the truth - I don't know who he is - or what I picked - my illusions about him are clearing up, going away - and I am seeing a weak and selfish person where I once thought a strong, confident, hard working, committed person once stood.

this is perhaps what is scaring me the most and making me so unhappy - that the illusion is clearing and I was wrong...I HATE being wrong.

September 13, 2005
10:43 am
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Longstreet
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Ali, congratulations! You are so strong! Keep up the good work. Stick to your guns. I wish I had your strength. I want to contact my BP/GF so badly and try once again to get her to see how her childhood was affecting our relationship and please, please go work on it so we can be together because I can't take the criticism and constant scrutiny any more. But I know she will come back with how it's MY issues affecting the relationship. She will never realize that HER issues are creating MY issues (lack of intimacy, trust), because she is so critical of me. So it's a vicious cycle and the only way to break it is to end it at this point. The only other thing breaking is my heart.

September 13, 2005
10:43 am
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Ali,

Wow!!!! Did you just climb into my head... read my mind and then write down all of my thoughts and feelings???? I think we are dating the same man!!!!

You are right. They are selfish, weak and scared! What I have found with my man is that he is sooooo close to being what I want. He has so many wonderful qualities. He is loved by all. He appears strong, confident, handsome, brave, hard working and loving. He is all of these things, BUT he is also insecure, jealous and fears intimacy. The minute things begin to get too serious with us and he starts to feel too close to me, his walls break down, he feels vulnerable and he panics!! He then creates some drama that will allow him to break free (and NOT have to deal with his own insecurity and fear).

I have told him that I will stand by him if he chooses to work on his "issues" so that we can grow together. He wants us to be together, but is not "ready" yet.... we haven't been together for several months. I love him, but I will not settle for this insane, up and down, roller coaster of a relationship.

When he is "ready"... maybe I'll still be available, but maybe I will have moved on. Then it will be his loss... I need to take care of ME, just as you do Ali!!

Keep asking for what you want and need!! You are on the right track.

TC

September 13, 2005
10:58 am
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Anonymous
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I have to say that I think that this forum is perhaps MUCH more important than any 12 step or therapy appt I could attend.

My therapist has not always been very helpful - tho the lessons are there, they aren't always the ones I need at the moment - they will come back to me later, when I need them - but when I need a different lesson at the moment, I can ussually find it HERE.

12 step is great, but does not allow for cross talk - so yeah, I can hear other people's stories - but when I need answers and insight - I can't have it - unless someone shares with me later on.

at least here, you guys have been free to kick my ass into gear - and let me know that I am slipping - instead of leaving me to flounder on my own - I know eventually I would get it - but sometimes it's helpful to hear it when you need it.

being able to give other's my thoughts on their relationship has helped me see flaws in mine - as well as flaws in my thinking.

when I see something for the first time - I often return to something someone said here - and the lighbulb goes off.

therapy and meetings help - don't get me wrong - they have their place in my life - but frequently - I need an answer, and I need it now - I need support and I need it now - and I can't have that from my therapy and meetings - and frequently, when I get there - what I end up talking about is NOT what was bugging me all the time up to that point - and I get distracted - and then am frustrated cuz I didn't get what I needed when I was there. I realize that sometimes the lessons I need are given to me, and why they are given to me appears later (like last week's coda meeting on saturday that saved my sunday) - but it takes so much mental energy to keep remembering what I need to discuss with my therapist - the ADD side of me really struggles.

anyway - thanks to all - each one of you has helped me on my journey.

I wish I could say I thought it was gonna end up a happy ever after ending - but the reality is sinking in and this doesn't appear to be someone who is ready to become a healthy partner for me - he has a long journey ahead of him - and I can't move it any faster - nor can I accept the turmoil it's causing as it takes it's own time, going at it's own pace.

my BF tried scaring me by saying that he thinks today is going to end on a bad note - lately he has been doing this to me - when we get into a heated discussion - he immediately says "oh boy, it's gonna be a GREAT night tonite" or "I know you want this to end" - trying to make me feel bad - but I am starting to see the games and realize it's not about me and I don't have to accept the blame - and reject it and send it back to him.

going home and playing house with him tonite is going to be tough.

September 13, 2005
1:10 pm
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kathygy
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alicat,

I just posted my thoughts in your other thread before I saw this one.

As I said, your boyfriend sounds very imature. It is not right for him to say you are wrong. All he has a right to do is tell you how he feels inside and take personal responsibility. Neither of which he seems to be good at doing. He has no right to blame you for anything. Again he needs to take personal responsibility for his part. That's all. This relationship does not seem to be bringing you any joy or happiness just frustration. You should be in a position where you look forward to going to him and spending the evening with him rather than looking at a tough evening. It seems that you are overlooking all the happiness and contentment a healthy relationship can bring. It sounds like you are caught in a struggle and that you should not have to be dealing with. He's not going to catch up with you because you will always be going forward and will always be ahead of him besides he doesn't sound like he's very motivated to stretch and grow. Face it you are too far along for him. He is not healthy enough to have the kind of relationship you want and deserve. You need a man that's ready now not in some unknown distant future that's unlikely to happen anyway. In my opinion, stop waiting for something that's never going to happen with this man. Think of all the good advice you give to others and apply it to yourself.

love,
kathy

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