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fantasizing about him being with other woman...is this normal???
October 30, 2002
5:56 pm
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geenabee
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This is kinda wierd but since this annoymous I thought I could post this here.

I'm in my late twenties and was dating a guy for the last year and a half. He is the only guy in my years of being with men that I have been able to reach orgasm with. We've had a very sexual relationship with role play and other people have joined us.

Basically my problem is I have had trust issues with him so we broke it off. A little history about him....he is a ladies man, women are always flirting with him and he has told me how he can get any woman and has in the past, playing the field and trying to get woman into his bed and how he did it in the past many many times....over 50 he has told me. He says he uses this trick to lure woman to want him and i have seen him do this before.

This is strange but It makes me sick and jealous as hell to think about him being with other woman and that he did this to me as well in the beginning to get me into bed...... yet it's the only way I can reach orgasm any more. When I'm alone I can only fantasize about him being with other people and can't think of anything else. I want to know if this is wierd and why I might do this?

One more thing....I have fantasized about being a man before and maybe this has something to do with it, that I think he's the type of guy I would be if I was a guy and how I would treat women. Am I a lesbian or something or could this be from some childhood thing.

What do you think this is the cause from and is this normal to do this??? Now that were not together will I ever stop thinking about this when I'm alone or if I'm ever with another Man?

October 30, 2002
9:20 pm
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Anonymous
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oh I think you are probably normal, I think everyone has fantasized about things they just might not want to talk about. He is your first man to reach orgasm with so you will alway think about him and belive me you will get over him just need some time. Keep in mind what it was he did that you liked and with your next lover you can tell him what you like. You will find life will still go on! hey lots of fish in the sea. Do we think you are a lesbian? I don't know are you attracted to other woman? Maybe you thinking about being a man has nothing more to do with anything than it gives you a strong feeling of control and power... what do ya think?

October 30, 2002
9:48 pm
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geenabee
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oh my god how embarassing, Thank God this is annonymous. I agree with you with the feeling of control. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. Wow. As far as being attracted to women I am but I do love men alot. Your also right about me knowing what I like and using that in a new relationship. I guess I just thought I was strange for thinking this, I hope I get over this, soon!!! I never told anyone about this before.

October 30, 2002
11:30 pm
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Ladeska
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I think it also might have something to do with you focusing on the other person and "what they want" and "what turns them on" and "their demands for pleasure" and surrendering your own wellbeing, thoughts, desires and connection with your own body in order to fulfill that for - them. This would tell me that - for whatever reason you've shut yourself down and considered your worthiness in an intimate way to be directly connected to how you perform and respond to - their needs instead of your own.

October 30, 2002
11:30 pm
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Ladeska
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I'd also like to ask you if either of your parents ever cheated on the other one?

October 31, 2002
12:27 am
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geenabee
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I totally understand what your saying about surrendering to his needs only and I'm a little confused why I do this in order to be fulfilled.

As far as my parents go. I'm glad no one knows me here and it's hard for me to even admit this but when I was younger I caught my father pleasuring himself while he was on the phone. I picked up the phone and heard a womans voice not knowing what they were talking about obviously. I remember I was very young, not sure what age exactly. I remember going downstairs and said to my mother that "Daddy is on the phone with another Lady" I remember yelling at my Father for cheating on my mother but the issue was then dropped, never spoken of again. I've heard my mother a few times after that talking about not trusting my fathe. I never wanted to ask about it again.

Do you think this could've had some impact on me now as an adult?

October 31, 2002
10:41 am
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Cici
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It definately could have had an impact on you as an adult. The way I see it, when we're born, we're kind of like wooden blocks. Our initial mental/emotional shape is entirely determined by genetics - but then that shape is whittled away as we get older through our experiences. So your experiences shape how you perceive things and how you experience them and how you react to them.

Your parents give you the blueprint for relationships. You learn from them. When you have parents who had a dysfunctional relationship, you have to acknowledge that what they did was wrong, and then you have to teach yourself (from scratch!) how to have an intimate relationship, since the one you were supposed to model was so screwed up.

For example, my Mom was the one with the power in her relationship with my Dad. She was the abusor. In my marriage now, I find myself making power plays and trying to play out that same relationship with my husband, and it all happens subconsciously. I always have to remind myself to step back and let my husband take care of himself and make his own decisions. Heck, my Mom even lays out my Dad's clothes to this day! She's done it every day since they married, about 30 years now!

so - it definately can affect you. Did you have any other weird or questionable experiences that affected your perception of your own sexuality? Something that made you feel like you didn't own your own sexuality?

October 31, 2002
2:22 pm
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Ladeska
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It's kind of like the thing with people who introduce pornography to young children. They are teaching that child to see people as objects and not as someone who is an intimate partner on many levels. So by viewing porn and getting aroused on a physical level and by being able to control all that without the other person being involved - you become crippled and removed from the whole intimate dance of being in touch with yourself and how that connects with someone else in a healthy and responsible manner.

And say - if a man were to have introduced you to pornography in some way, like pictures, magazines, movies, even you seeing your father do what he did in response to this woman talking to him over the phone was putting the sexual stimulus dial pointing in the direction of how pleased and satisfied the man is without taking into account - the woman as a real entity. For all practical purposes, she is just a blow up doll that moves. And the feeling part of it all is - with the man. He's in charge, it's for him and about him. In the case of what you witnessed it was just like that, with the betrayal thing thrown in.

You as a female, will definitely look to your mom to see who you are as a sexual entity. And if she was betrayed, if it was "all about him" in their marriage and she took it and just accepted it - then vicariously some of the pattern has definitely floated down to the bottom of your foundation here and taken root. Even without you knowing it - it has subconsciously become part of you.

You see your mom as just allowing it then and his pleasure becomes the most important thing in the household. And who knows what else went on here between the two of them and maybe the "three or four" of them - that you don't even remember, but may have witnessed or picked up vibes regarding.... What is paramount here is - you've definitely picked up your mother's vibes and identified with them in some way as to - how they were sexually with each other and how she must have felt about all that and how you with a child's mind dealt with and reasoned that is also at play here.

October 31, 2002
2:40 pm
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artist 2
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So Dad was on the phone with another woman? I think this is it. They say that we all find partners with whom we can finish or fix a relationship with the opposite parent. Maybe you could think about this connection some more.

November 4, 2002
6:27 pm
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geenabee
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Hi,
I can see what your saying here about these issues and it really kinda bums me out. To this day my father looks at other women and it makes me ill, my mother doesn't even have any love for my father and hasn't in a long time and they're still together. Do you know how I can deal with this now that I'm an adult? I know I bring all these issues into my current relationships. How do people heal after this and not trusting men?? feeling betrayed and the fear of being betrayed somehow someway??

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