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Family Trouble
January 6, 2000
6:35 pm
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SB
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I am sick of my sisters. They have used everyone in the family and feel they are justified in doing so because we were abused as children. My one sister recently defrauded our elderly mother.My brother contacted her for repayment and was told to mind his own business. He then contacted her husband. My sister is furious that her husband knows she owes $26,000.00.She called my mother screaming and threatning to withhold $100 monthly for every phone call she got about her owing money. She subtracted $100 last month.I am contacting the police and an attorney. I am completely fed up and through with my sisters.

January 6, 2000
9:45 pm
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SB,

this reminds me a lot about families and life in general.

I rented a movie called "Affliction" last night.

The movie showed some unbelievable 'tolerance' of people, and some unbelievable 'in-tolerance' of people. I questioned how people can be either...intolerable, and so tolerable in other cases?

I know this doesn't closely 'relate' to your situation, but somehow it reminded me of that.

I've found that nothing matters as much as peace of mind (for yourself), and giving ourselves a chance to 'become'. Your sisters aren't getting either, and they're beating up the family at the same time.

But to finish this off, I do relate to your severe frustration and feelings of helplessness.

- SC

January 8, 2000
6:03 am
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Hi sb,
I totally relate to your family troubles, it sounds as though your sisters are very badly affected by their past, but they cannot break the law just to "get even" or to get what they feel they deserve.

I think you are right in going legal on this. You have tried the other way, it didn't work.
Will your brother support you in taking this action?
How does your mother feel about it all?
Do you think your sisters are in any way justified in feeling this angry towards your family? Is this situationa way for them to bring out into the open the past abuse issues or do you think it is just greed and abuse of you your mother with them taking this money?

Sorry for so many questions it is just that this is a complicated issue, it is hard to give any advice without knowing more about it.

Let us know what happens

Hazza

January 8, 2000
8:16 pm
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SB
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Thankyou SC and Hazza for responding. I rented affliction and am relating to the abusive family situation.The abusive alcoholic father is hard for me to watch without thinking of my own father. I haven't watched the end of the movie yet to see all that will come of the main character. I don't know if my brother will support my legal action against my sister. My mother got quiet when I told her. My mother feels "that would be a big step".My mother has a pattern of letting people take advantage of her and then wanting help. Problem is she complains constantly about being taken advantage of but keeps on letting my sisters and others take and take, but she doesn't allow any recovery or closure.She sets up barriers to getting restitution. Right now she wants to wait until Feb. to see if my sister keeps the promise she made originally (haha) of repaying all of it then. This promise was made by someone who has a long history of lying. I don't doubt that my sisters have problems due to their childhood.But they are using my mother because they can.
Thanks,SB

January 9, 2000
9:20 am
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hazza
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Hi sb,
Well this is a difficult one. If your mother and brother are reluctant to take the matter further maybe you should respect their wishes. On the other hand it is a LOT of money that you say has been taken from your mother.
It sounds like your mother has some problems with it, because she feels unhappy about being taken advantage of but at the same time doesn't want to rock the boat.
Maybe you should talk to your mother more about it. Find out what she is afraid will happen if she pursues the matter legally. Has her marriage to an alcoholic made her a genrally submissive person? I too used to take all kinds of crap from people because of that but ended up feeling very resentful. I didn't stand up for my self because i was afraid of what might happen.
I thinkk you should talk to a solicitor anyway to see what your options are and to make sure that you do in fact have a valid case. But then think it over again and talk with your mother, sometimes solicitors can get you all fired up to proceed with cases when at the moment you just want advice.

Whatever happens i dont think you can avoid a family rift, it is happening already by the sounds of things. Whether your mother openly tells her daughters that it is not acceptable not to repay the loan or not, she will still feel anger towards their actions from what you say.

I think you also need to think about how you feel about this. Are you the person who mainly cares for your mother rather than your sisters?
If so, for you to continue caring for while she allows the others to take advantae may lead to resentment building up in you. If you feel strongly, discuss it with your mother. You are quite at liberty to say that you do not wish to be part of this situation if you strongly feel it is wrong. Im not saying you should blackmail your mother or cut her out but you ust take account of your own feelings too
Good luck
Hazza

January 11, 2000
5:11 pm
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SB
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Thankyou Hazza,
I do have resentment. And I hope I am getting better at seeing what is going on. I now see my mothers' part in all this. She does a hurt me, hurt me. Oh she hurt me.She complains constantly and says she wants help. She won't really allow help though. I feel some relief to understand this. I don't feel as responsible for her. The most contested aspect of my life is the role my mother played during our childhood. Recently my mother was telling a story about how my sister had lied to her about what was going on when asked. She said that she had found my sister in the garage hiding condoms.She sais that when asked who they belonged to,

my sister replied "you will have to
ask dad about that". My sister then went and talked to my dad. She went back to my mom and told her they belonged to a neighbor my mother worked for.My mother then confronted the neighbor, accusing her of an affair with my father. All of this took place over forty years ago. I still remember the stink. The problem is pretty obvious.The truth was in her face and she denied it. Now if we bring us the beatings or such my mom asks "where was I"? I hurt her feelings recently by telling the truth.I told her "you were right beside him saying:now Raymond stop it, thats enough Raymond".I wish I was free of ever thinking of him again. Even more I wish I did't see my mothers enabling. SB

January 12, 2000
10:47 am
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hazza
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YOu have hit the nail the head sb,
this isn't really about the money is it, it is about abusive family issues, as you say your mother enabling ( i had similar thing with my dad enabling my mothers verbal abuse of me)

You mother has a history of dealing with things by denial. Yes it would be great if everyone resolved their own issues in life, but with the elderly it is less likely.

Take comfort if you can from the fact that you are wise enough to see what is going on and you do NOT have to get invloved in repeating the same old patterns.

Read some of angelwings (tears) posts about the issue she had with her mother, she and i and many other come to the conclusion that you cannot change other people, you can help them if they want to change but if they don't see a problem, all you can do is change your attitude to it.

You can offer your mother yo7ur help, but on your terms, if she doesn';t like your solution, you don't have to keep re thinking your ideas until you get one she likes.
She asks you advice, you give it, she can run with that or ask someone else.

You can spend the reat of your life getting her to see what really happen in the past in your family. But in my view it seldom helps and seldom do people accept your truth, better for you to come to terms with the fact that this is how it is with these people, if they want to change and grow great, if not, you have to make your life your own and a happy one. The past does not have to dictate the future.

you make the choice
"can i accept her for who she is, faults and all and try to base my relationship on that"
if you can then great, you still dont enable her enabling though!
If not, if it is too destructive to keep up the dynamics of the family, then you need to distance yourself (emotionally) a little. You cannot change everything, you are not god. you must keep you healthy first and foremost so that you then have something spare to help others, they too have pain from the situation. If and when they deal with it, it will be their choice, you wouldbe unwise to try to initiate that for them, you can only change yourself.

Please read some of the old co-dep posts because they have some relevent issues

Best of luck
Hazza

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