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Family - the ties that bind (and gag)
December 10, 2003
10:48 pm
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mj
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Yes, YOU ARE 🙂
Glad that you are up and about!!!
Hugs Dear Zinnie

December 11, 2003
12:49 am
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gingerleigh
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Yay Zinnie! Ya know, have you ever seen those cards "Luck made us sisters, hearts made us friends..." or some such thing? Well, unfortunately for you, Luck didn't give you the kind of blood relatives you (and we all) deserve... but your heart sought out people who *are* worthy of your love and friendship. Some part of us always aches to have blood family that is deserving of the title "family"... but you ARE loved, as you know.

Maybe that is the bitter-sweetness in being loved, in love itself. When you see love, you are also very aware when it isn't present, just like you might not truly appreciate sunlight until you've seen total darkness.

December 11, 2003
11:25 am
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mj
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I had a strange day yesterday with family. It seems that some family members are much more pleasant than others. I have decided to associate with the ones that lift me up, not hurt me. Hug Zinnie

I like your description Gingerleigh.
It is true...so true in my life. Hugs to YOU as Well 🙂

December 11, 2003
11:52 am
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Ladeska
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Ah Zinnie......so relieved to finally find a post from you, was pacing the floor over here. Whew!! And actions do reveal who's who in our lives. We just have a hard time really "seeing" it sometimes. But like you've put down in print here.....these are the people who truly care and really love me. Hold onto this list, you may have to refer to it often. (smile)

And yes, you are so very loved here. We see and value the "essence" of who you are, without anything else being attached to it, no other perceptions - just that. No strings attached - just love and acceptance.

So glad you're okay! please be a good little girl and continue to behave yourself. I know you're chomping at the bit to get up and do whatever but - try and take it easy for awhile, okay? Your superwoman cape won't collect much dust, honest.

December 12, 2003
6:28 pm
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Zinnie
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Just a quick update.

I told my husband about my brother and wife having the baby. He said "don't be tacky - send a plant."

So... I did a week ago. Still not even a message of "thanks"

My Dad called me the other day and left a message Wed. morning I believe. It was something like "well, I have not heard from you, I'll call you some other time." Now, he said he would call, so I'm just going to wait.

Yet, I still feel a mixture of guilt and pain too.

December 12, 2003
6:35 pm
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tooscared
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Zinnie, you have such a kind and sweet spirit about you. I am sorry that your family doesn't appreciate who you are just for being you - not for what you can do for them. It makes me mad for you. Please know that it is their loss to not appreciate who you really are and that they are missing out on a really wonderful person in their lives.

Take care of yourself and let your hubby love on you. The two of you sound wonderful together.

December 13, 2003
12:01 pm
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Ladeska
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Waiting is hard, isn't it? It's like we really don't want to see who people are, we'd rather just be the one that quickly hides that from view.....usually from our Own Eyes for the most part......and we just do something to make it all better. Which usually means, we are the bad guy, we do our pentance and smooth everything over and off we go again.

It's really hard to just let things stand as they really are and see if he will call again. And by his message, he's already putting the blame on "you". My, my, you have been quite the scapegoat, huh? They so quickly just - go there and think nothing of it.

It was so very painful for me as well, when I started just letting the shoe fall where it would and then leaving it there. It's brutal and was so out of my comfort zone. That one thing I did when I moved back to be around my mother again and when I'd come over, she'd ask me how I was, I'd start talking and telling her and she'd interrupt me and start talking to someone else and before....I would wait until she was done and go - well, anyways and try to continue....of course, she'd do it again and again. But I didn't want to see how disrespectful and totally uncaring that was and this was a "small" thing that she did. She did much worse.

But when I came back, it was a "new" me. She'd do it to me one time and I'd just stop talking altogether. I'd sit there and kinda smile at her, watch her and then just pick up my things and go somewhere else in the house or outside. She was beside herself. A frustrated controller I think.

If she'd call and start doing her thing, I'd just have something to go do and get off the phone with her. She'd try and guilt trip me and I'd just say something that exposed her and she'd get all weird and then I'd disengage for quite a while. It enraged her at me, but it was necessary for my own wellbeing.

She couldn't spin me up anymore and she literally did not know what to do with herself. Was almost comical if it wasn't so tragic.

But....I wanted to "see" what was what. Was finally ready for that one. And it does hurt, Zinnie, won't say that it doesn't. But during this process, they always have the opportunity to do the very right thing and you have to really see what they do with that one without you making it all better.

You have so many people in your life that really, really love you. And it was never your responsibility to keep painting these other people with pretty colors in order for you not to see who they really are in your life. You can stop doing that now and you will survive it.

The other way of living was killing you, Zinnie. We have to identify the "takers" in our lives and sweep our floor clean of them. Otherwise, we spend sooo much energy making them into what "we want" them to be and dressing them up in clothes, they don't deserve to wear.

You can still love them, but it has to be returned, Zinnie. It just has to be. And if it's not.......THAT was never "about you". The guilt you feel is because they have trained you to go there so the spotlight is taken off of - them. It's time the light remained.........focused on them.

They won't like it but that's just tough. My mother to this day when people ask about me and my daughter - she says - well, they are where they can't hurt me anymore. Ohhhh, poor baby. Once again, it's all about "her". When in all reality, she was a witch to me. And I don't wear - any of that. Not one shred of it. I know I was a good daughter and that her granddaughter was nothing but a bright light in her life. She made a choice here and she will live with it.

My daughter have made choices, too and the real truth is - we are where SHE can't hurt US anymore. Just have to flip that one around to see the real truth of the matter. Typical of narcissists though. They always tell on themselves, just have to turn what they say around and go - Ah yes, there it is...

I'm so sorry this is painful to you...but I think in the end of it all, you will be able to now use that wasted energy for you and yours and let the chips fall where they do in regards to these people. If you won't play, then I guess there just won't be a ballgame....and that's - okay. HUGS!

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