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family situation
July 5, 2009
1:11 am
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I need some help and advice. My mom is elderly and was just in an accident, and is recovering slowly. Last week, my brother told a friend of mine that he plans to propose to his girlfriend this week. My mom and the girlfriend do NOT get along, and there are huge problems and complications involved in this proposal. My friend then told me. I'm in a horrible position, do I tell my mom and let my brother be a coward? Or do I keep quiet and feel like a coward myself? It's a classic codependency issue and I'm confused and conflicted. Advice appreciated.

July 5, 2009
8:13 am
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shy_rose
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Hello, That sounds like a difficult position to be in, but do you really have to be faced with such a choice? Sometimes it's better when you don't know about things in advance, its a shame your brother didn't bring it up with family first. Maybe you could talk about it to him? being casual, ' Oh I heard ...' and see what he says. Say what your opinion is on it to him. I think your mum is going to find out when he does it anyway. So Instead of getting involved in your brother's problem by having to say something maybe the best thing to do is try to stay out of it, not because you are afraid but because you aren't responsible for his choices. You can be there for your mum when she does find out though. <3

July 5, 2009
8:15 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Stay out of it. As the saying goes, you don't have a dog in that fight. The issue is between your mother and your brother's girlfriend. You really are not a participant nor do you WANT to be.

Bitsy

July 5, 2009
10:22 am
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sad sack
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I agree with Bitsy. Stay out of this situation. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. And why is your brother a coward in this scenario? I don't understand that. He has fallen in love with a woman who he hopes will marry him. He can't make his choices based on your mother's (or anyone else's opionion). I am sorry that your mom and your brother's gf do not get along but there is nothing you could do (or should do) about it. Your mom will have to deal with it.

sad

July 5, 2009
11:55 am
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atalose
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This is not YOUR business to share; this is your BROTHERS business share and it is up to him to tell your mom.

I don’t understand you feeling like a coward by not telling her, can you explain that more?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 5, 2009
2:44 pm
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Hi all

Thanks so much for the support and advice already, I couldn't have asked for more. When I read my post, I realize how terrible I must've been feeling when I originally wrote it. A bit better now.

Some clarifications people have asked for. The only reason I think my brother would have chosen to tell my close friend is because he hoped she'd tell me (which she did) and that I'd in turn tell my mom so he wouldn't have to. That's how things tend to work...classic codependency on my part. I'm trying to stay out of it.

Things are complicated by the fact that my mom is unwell and recovering slowly, and it's me that is taking care of her mostly. It's a very difficult situation but I think I have to do this, there's nobody else. This was supposed to be a very special week for me --I successfully defended my doctoral dissertation on Thursday, so I'm kind of sad that instead of celebrating the accomplishment and success, I'm dealing with family issues and a suddenly dependent parent. My brother's off on vacation with his girlfriend, possibly to enact his big proposal.

As I said, a complicated situation. I appreciate the support and feedback very, very much. This site is a gift!

July 5, 2009
3:20 pm
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atalose
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It’s only complicated because you are allowing it to be. Your brother’s news has nothing to do with taking away from you celebrating a major accomplishment unless of course you are that jealous of him.

He’s gone away, out of the picture so what is stopping you from celebrating? Have you told your mom about YOUR good news, have you asked her to help you celebrate say by ordering out a special dinner for the two of you? How about a nice cake?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 5, 2009
3:42 pm
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Woo Hooo a Doctoral Disseration deserves a party. I am great at throwing virtual parties. I make a fantastic antipasta salad and terrific margarita's THAT's what I am bringing.

Congrats!!!!

Bitsy

July 5, 2009
6:11 pm
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fantas
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Yes, Congratulations on your doctoral dissertation. I'm struggling through mine. I would suggest you do absolutely nothing about your brother and his relationship issues. As far as you are concerned, you never heard anything. Let them all sort it out.

Is your mother needing your support or are you just feeling like you should take this on? How much help does she need? I think this is something the family can discuss together and share the responsibility.

In the mean time, you should be planning your celebration, with or without your family. It's your accomplishment so reward yourself. It would be nice if others did it for you but it's your celebration.

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