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Family Connections by Robbie
September 21, 2009
2:28 pm
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robbie2007
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I am struggling to understand where and how siblings connect as adults.

I used to have a very good relationship with my sister until I realized it was all one sided. When I stopped reaching out to her, she never reached out to me. It makes me really sad.

I got to thinking about it all. I have another sister and 2 brothers. I'm not connected to any of them. and the more I thought about, I realized none of us are connected with any of the others.

Ive been desperately trying to be connected to my family for years and feeling unwanted and rejected and now I'm wondering if what I am seeking is not something other adult siblings have.

are you close to your adult brothers and sisters?

is it because I am single and have noone in my life that the disconnection feels so much greater while they are busy with their kids and lives?

Dont they ever think of me? onder if im ok? what im doing?

we dont live so far apart that we cant get together once in awhile. and im just a phone call away. and im am positive if "I" did the calling and planning I would not be rejected. but why cant the others do it?

what are the relationships of other adult siblings? do y'all just have your own families and live your own separate lives, or do you have a relationship?

are my needs and wants abnormal? If I had a significant other would I feel differently?

September 21, 2009
2:41 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Robbie, I am an only child so I cannot answer you. I am also a single mother. I think maybe they get busy with their lives and think you are living up as the single gal. I don't have any other insights for you.

Bitsy

September 21, 2009
3:54 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi, Robbie, new to posting here. I have two siblings and as the years go by we're becoming less and less close. I think part of it is just circumstance (kids, geography, etc.) and part of it is that I choose not to attend family functions where certain people will be, so in that sense I alienate myself. None of the most important people in my life are related to me by blood.

September 21, 2009
4:15 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Hey Robbie,

I live thousands of miles from my family so I don't have much connection with them. We are all busy doing our thing and we weren't really close to begin with- at least not with me. My two sisters are enmeshed and incredibly close and see each other several times a week, for years they worked for the same company even. Before my sister got a divorce, they even were married to guys that were childhood friends.

But their relationship is very unhealthy and based in supporting mutual substance abuse- one of the reasons I've chosen to distance myself from them. I've become more involved in their lives after they started having children because I know the both have ongoing addiction issues and I want to have a realtionship with my nieces and nephews so I can be there to help them through all the crap we went through as kids with addited parents.

I'm alone too, but that means that I can pick my friends too. I do understand about not being invited to go out withothers even though if you are the one to invite they don't refuse. I try to spin it into a positive where I see it as they are willing to do something when it fits my schedule. I do understand the hurt behind that though too. I just try not to think of it too much because I don't have many other choices in my life right now. My best friend at the moment lives in another country and I have seen her for years, although we talk several times a month. My only real local friend is also my boss, and that is a whole complicated mess too.

I have met new aquantances by joining different special interest groups, such as the storyteller's guild and a book group. Those are planned on a regular schedule and I don't have to do the planning so that is one way I get a social fix without feeling the burden of being the organizer to it all.

I hope this helps.

You are in my thoughts and I'm so glad to see you reaching out like this. This is a great step in your healing. Big hugs to you for such a great accomplishement.

September 22, 2009
8:41 am
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robbie2007
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thanks for the replies. I would like to see if I can get more responses before I respond and ask more questions. so bumping up .............

September 22, 2009
11:12 am
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readyforachange
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robbie,

I have three sisters, two older and one younger.

I stayed in my hometown, they all moved away (the closest one is a 6 hour drive away from me).

My mother is still living, and is in my area. My father passed away 2 1/2 years ago.

I have very little contact with my oldest sister. She has her own life, comes in town once a year or so for holidays, and it doesn't go well. She and her husband have the social graces of a jar of peanut butter, so visits are difficult. I used to call and email, but that was never reciprocated and conversations were like one you would have with a stranger on a bus, so I stopped calling.

My next oldest sister is very, very busy. Works 80 hours a week. I went to visit her this past summer, and we talk and email occasionally. She comes in town 1-2 times a year, as well, and we get along well.

My youngest sister and I are closest. She is 8 years younger than me, and I helped raise her, as my mother puts it. I do contact her the most often, and she and I have had more of a friendship as adults than I have ever had with my older sisters.

Now that my dad is gone, it seems that my siblings come into town less and less. My mother will fly to visit them more often, so they don't have to disrupt their lives by getting their entire families here. We are having Christmas in CA, where my youngest sister lives. We have only spent one Christmas together since my dad died, and it was difficult. Last year, we didn't get together at all on Christmas.

Anyway, that's my story. Don't know if it helps. I am in counseling right now to deal with my inner child issues and my role in our family played a huge part in that.

But that's another thread.....LOL

September 23, 2009
12:56 pm
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Lanigirl
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Hi Robbie,

I've been dealing with family relationships in therapy. I don't think your need/wants for family connections are abnormal. However, if the connections aren't there or sought by both sides, you can only do so much.

I agree with Chelonia that if your family connections are unhealthy, you can form other connections through friends and make your own family.

Speaking for myself, I have severed my connection to my oldest sister many years ago because we don't see eye to eye on many issues. Other family members have commented that this is sad but at the same time they find that communication with her is impossible.

I also have lessened contact with my mother. Years of history behind that and it's taken time to realize that this isn't the mother figure I need.

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