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families and getting married
August 19, 2009
2:01 pm
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courage to change
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Hello Everyone

Well as some of you know I am getting married in December abroad. Just my partner and I. It has been relatively easy organising things, just a holiday, rings, and me and him.

We agreed we would do something simple for whomever family or families when we get back.

Ok, bit of background information. My family very disfunctional. Father alcoholic, mum codependent, and one sister similar to father.

My boyfriends family, he just has his mother left who is last in the chain.

I have been trying to have a relationship with my mother since she retired. However, my dad still comes first along with my sister, and Im the one who is meant to be self reliant. I have no problem with this.

Anyway, I invited my mother to meet his mother. I guess this is the normal thing you do. My mother has said she does not want to meet his mother. Fine thats her choice. I still feel hurt, rejected you name it. What in the hell am I meant to tell his mother when I see her. Yes, I am very disappointed at my mother.

I am meeting my mum on Saturday. I feel resentment, and very disappointed. Im very good at letting go, but I feel very disappointed.

What am I meant to say to my mother, and what am I meant to say to his mother. My respect for my mother has diminished, and once again the reality of my family is that I am not a priority.

So there you go. Sad but to fact.

xxx

August 19, 2009
3:06 pm
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atalose
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Courage,

I am sorry you continue to be disappointed with your family and how they behave. Please know that how they are, and who they are is no reflection of the strong independent woman you are today.

You have done a very good job of breaking away from that circle of dysfunction an alcoholic home represents. You not only broke away you have managed to stay away from the dysfunction.

It’s important for you not to allow your mothers behavior/choices to be a reflection of you and who you are today. Please remember that, you and she are two separate individuals and it’s also important that you not cover up or lie on your mothers behave other wise you are back in that circle.

I would simply ask your mom why she is not interested in meeting your future mother in law and respect her choice as just that, HER CHOICE.

I would be honesty with your future mother in law, simple explain that your mother is who she is and you don’t totally understand her behaviors or decisions, you don’t agree with them, you can’t change them or her and it’s upsetting to you that she is like this.

I think your future mother in law will respect the truth then some made up story because you feel embarrassed about your mother’s choice.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 19, 2009
3:35 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Oh Courage,

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I agree entirely with Atalose.

My family is very disfunctional too. When I got married my family did some horrible things to my in laws. I was just honest with my in laws about the alcoholism, drug abuse and mental illness that plagues by family. They shared my disappointment and at times disguist in the choices my family made, but by telling the truth I allowed them to support the reality of my life and include me in their family fully realizing the facts of my family. It also allowed my in laws to make healthy choices to protect their family frim my family's mind games and torment in the future. That way the hurt and disfunction didn't spill over into their family too.

August 19, 2009
3:58 pm
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courage to change
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Thanks to you both. Its so refreshing to get feedback. You really dont know how appreciative of it I am.

xxx

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