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False Intimacy
April 21, 2007
4:11 am
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fantas
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As I have been reading these threads and feeling very connected to everyone, I realize that I don't have anyone in my life except my sponsor who I have an intimate relationship with and who is close by. I have many friends most of who live far from me. I have acquaintances here in town but they are all functional relationships. We do things together but we do not delve into our souls. I also have a few friends angaged in some form of drama, relationship, of course and I just watch it and listen to it. We have false intimacy, I feel lonely and I think that this is the reason why I start to have mental addictions to unavailable men and obsess over them as if they were real realtionships. Does anyone have this issue? any suggestions?

April 21, 2007
10:03 am
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Rasputin
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Hey Fantas~ Thanks hon for your counsel. You give good and sound advice. Now, if I hear you well...your question is you have an intimate relationship with your sponsor and you think it's false one...OR is this false intimacy with your others friends?

Please clarify more pricesly so that I am able to respond to you clearly!

(((Fantas)))

April 21, 2007
1:38 pm
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fantas
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Hi Rasputin, thank you:) My sponsor is the only person I feel I have a real intimate relationship with. All the rest are really quite superficial. Didn't really realize until I started writing and reading these threads.

April 21, 2007
8:49 pm
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Rasputin
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Well, it is normal to have false intimancy with say...the majority or the rest of the people. If you happen to live in big city, it's even worse. However, there are some big chances to see genuine folks just like you anywhere anytime. Did you try your church, community centres, volunteering, indoor/ouside pool,library, or even in your own neighbourhood. Deep, true people are maybe not in the majority, but if you keep looking you will find some.

Count your blessings! At least you have one sponsor with whom you have intimate relationship and that in itself is GREAT. I wish I could have this single friend. I just have one male friend who is really good guy; but he does not like to discuss deep, spiritual stuff with me.

Good luck!

April 21, 2007
10:05 pm
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fantas
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Thanks Ras, It just occurred to me that even those at church or school and work, are not close at all. It's all social masking and denial of reality. Social masking is to me what alcohol is to an alcoholic. I can smile and dress pretty through anything, then I just crush and disappear from the group and the people are left wondering what happened to that happy go lucky gal? I came on this site coz I was obsessing over this guy that I like and I think he likes me but we a both working through our stuff. After I was on this site I started to reflect on my triggers for codependency and I realized it was loneliness. With you and everyone I felt connected but I am still doing the long distance no contact thing. As healthy and helpul and it had been I am still seeking relationships where I do not have to deal with people on a daily basis and on an intimate level. Any good reads that you know about? or any other kind of help.

April 22, 2007
9:22 am
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Rasputin
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There are lots of good reads hon. If you sepcify to me what subject/them you're looking for, I can recommend something good.

As for your church, keep looking for a good church. Churches are different from one another. Being in a church setting does not mean that all the folks would be wonderful. I've been to a number of churches and I must say that I was Disappointed by many of them and the people there. Change your church and keep looking and praying for a good one. That's what I did, till I found my present one which is a real blessing.

Thinking of you today!!!(((Fantas)))

April 22, 2007
11:28 am
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tiedupinknots
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I find the fellowship of AA and/or Alanon is where the deep spiritual people are for me. I love Eckhart Tolle. He has a couple of great books The Power of Now and A new Awakening. I got the casettes of the power of now and I listen to them all the time. Also Facing love addiction is a great book. The conscious fear is loneliness the unconscious fear is of intimacy. I bring up my unconscious fear of intimacy all the time in the meetings. I don't know what to do about it but shine the light of consciousness on it. Eventually I'm hoping it will bubble up. I hear there is a book the dance of intimacy but haven't had it jump into my hand yet. Good luck. 🙂

April 22, 2007
11:39 am
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tiedupinknots
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Oh I think this would go well here. It is a really important spiritual truth.

The secret is to not mind what is happening. Really truly and deeply. There are two things going on and Eckhart tolle describes them perfectly for me. I am trying to disidentify from my egoic mind and my pain body. For love to flourish this needs to be done. To deal with the pain body, you bring presence into the pain and thus transmute it. The longer you sit in the pain the more changes you will be able to make. To disidentify from the thinking is to be the silent watcher of your thought and behaviours, especially old patters and egoic roles. To check out more on the roles to name them and facilitate this check out genpo roshi's facilitation of big mind series on youtube.com. It starts with an introduction to big mind and goes onto facilitation of the control, skeptic, damaged self, etc. up to number 11 don't get confused with his series of same shit new day series which is also great. lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....38;search=

Basically if you can stop investing all of this with selfness the mind loses its compulsive quality which basically is the compulsion to judge and so to resist WHAT IS, which creates conflict, drama and NEW PAIN. Infact the moment judgement stops to WHAT IS you are free of the mind. Good luck in your journey. There is a ton of stuff out there. I find youtube excellent. Ken Wilber and the mystic heart series and a few others in the related links are also very, very worth taking the time to watch.

April 22, 2007
12:40 pm
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fantas
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Ras and tiedupinknots, Thank you for your insight. I'll definitely go check the youtube today. Ras, I was talking about my fear of intimacy that keeps me at a superficial level with most of the people in my life. I feel like it's my last frontier but a very vast one. Thank you again!

April 22, 2007
4:12 pm
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Rasputin
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There are lots of marvelous books you can read and purchase. To start off with just a few is: "Love is a choice" by Robert Hemfelt. I haven't bought this book yet. But someone told me about it here. Melody Beattie's book tackles the issue of codependency "Codependent no more."

Fantas, since you're new here, I suppose you probably posted your story here and what you're struggling with. If you could please indicate the thread title of your 1t post here, so that I can have a flash back about your issue and be able to help you even further.

I hope those few books would be helpful!

April 22, 2007
9:56 pm
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fantas
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Thanks Ras. I'll definitely look thes up. Cheers

April 22, 2007
10:09 pm
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_anonymous
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When I read your thread the word no boundaries come to mind. Especially when you mentioned that you are intimate with your sponsor. A good relationship is consistency over a long period of time. Takes years. Sounds like you might be getting sex and love confused. Not everyone who wants to be intimate with you loves you. They can be getting a physical need met. Not everyone who loves you wants to be intimate with you. They can have boundaries.

April 23, 2007
1:45 am
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fantas
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Detinystar, Intimate for me does not mean sex. It means people I can open up to and who I share my innermost fears and tell them truths about me. As opposed to social masking? Sexual relationships are not necessarily intimate in fact, most times they are not.

April 23, 2007
1:48 am
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fantas
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...hit the button too fast. My sponsor is female and we have a very close, intimate and loving relationship and I wish I had more like that. Of course it takes time and work if the person is of the right temperament and attitude.

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