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Fallout from old relationship on New
June 18, 2009
1:07 pm
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FireFighter
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September 30, 2010
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I was in a marriage of 12 years the last 2 separated. We're finally divorced. My ex has Obsessive Compulsive Personality discorder. She was very much all about her , always a victim, but never noted her role as instigator. She drank .. I dont think in the class of an alcoholic but getting there.

I covered up for and looked out for her and my two kids. until finally infidelity on her part became the last straw for me. But even in the two years apart she ahs been able to pull at my strings, use the love of my 2 boys against me. She can push my buttons .

About a year and a half ago I met a wonderful lady. She has had some bad times in her life (abusive parents) and has struggled to become who she is now. She is well aware of codependency and noted I was exhibiting it. Its taken a while for me to acknowledge it.

Unfortunately because of that it has put strains on our relationship 1) because of ongoing legal battles 2) because I can be so defensive on items 3) I am needy of her (wanting to know she needs me). Trust issues on my part.

I should add that this has the added complexity of being a long distance relationship.

This week I started reading a book on codependency - bing the light came on .. ahuh thats me , er thats me... thats me ... bugger I'm codependent. But it was a good revelation.. and yes I should have listened to my partner and yes she was right all along.....

But it has become to much for her... she has asked for a break.. I have said yes as the only alternative is to stop all together.

I have engaged our EAP program and am meeting with a divorce/separation counsellor tonight.

I guess my question here is how do I show my partner I'm dealing with this. I'm in the middle of it so not sure how things should be.. Its like putting a jigsaw puzzle together without the picture..

Any thoughts or advice will be appreciated. Not only on how to save my relationship but on how to make me better. (as the one goes with the other).

Thanks

FF

June 18, 2009
1:49 pm
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CAMER
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how long after your divorce did you meet this new woman?? maybe you didn't give yourself enough time to heal from your divorce.

And out of the 12 years of marriage, was your ex always "this way" or did she seems to change as the marriage went on??

I think the more you work on yourself, the more confident you will feel, and you won't "need" someone so much.

EAP are great, i used my free 3 sessions from work, and then went to group counseling which was excellent.

For now, i think you should work on just yourself, and maybe stay away from relationships at this point, it may be that you are not ready and falling back into your codependent ways.

Heck, i was alone for almost 2 years, thought i was "cured"...and my following relationships, i got back into my codependent ways.

Codependency is a tough thing, you have to work the program daily and make sure you are being true to yourself, b4 you decide to get involved in a relationship.

You are making a start by using you EAP at work.

And keep reading all the good Codependency books.

June 18, 2009
3:03 pm
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sunshine88
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hey FF, your struggle is honest. you are sincerely seeking to be at your better self. camer is very wise in saying it may be good for your discovery process to stay out of relationship at this time. i am struggling myself, and when somebody told me, stay alone at least for a year, i was like, WWWWWWWHAT! ONE YEAR???? lol, but there was much wisdom in that. we have to discover being with ourself, and live healthy a relationship with ourselves first, before we can go and reach out for a healthy relationship with others.

otherwise, we just go about, either hurting the healthy relationships we have, or get into unhealthy and toxic relationships. this is what i have learned so far in my struggle. i am a newbie when it comes to battling codependency tendencies. there is no EAP here in this country where i live, there's not even a single counselor here! so i struggle by being on this site most of the time, reading self help books, and the rest is up to me and heavens.

what is this book you were reading when you spotted your own self? maybe i could read that too. there is no Codependent No More in this country and Amazon does not deliver here. (you're probably wondering by now if i live in another planet!)

hang in there. the struggle is a long process but it's good to start somewhere.

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