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Falling in love with a married man..
January 25, 2005
3:48 pm
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pbnj
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I have been seeing this man and I really care about him now. I think about him more and more. In the beginning, there was a physical attraction and I promised myself it wouldn't go any further then that. A part of me wanted affection and I wasn't dating anyone and I've known him for awhile. It seemed like we could stay great friends and it seemed to be working fine. Now, I'm starting to feel more. I see his wife regularly also and his children and I always feel horrible. She seems so nice. I am really confused about what to do. I don't expect him to leave his wife. I know how that goes and they never leave. I am just having such a hard time lately keeping a clear mind. Especially when we talk about what it would be like to be together. I don't know how to deal with this. How do you give someone up? How do you know that is what you need to do? How do you detach yourself? Would appreciate any advice and support. Thanks!

January 25, 2005
3:57 pm
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ILSILS
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please stop before you go any further,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE and yes im yelling
please, i never see this work out ever!
oh the pain this brings me,
think about the day that his wife will find out because she probably will, and think about her heart crushing, then think about the children, and thier little hearts filling full of all the questions, mommy why wernt we good enough for daddy, why did he want something other then his family,
then think about the day when he is done with you, and brushes you aside like he did to his family,
and your heart crushing
then think about why you would want someone who could even consider causing all this pain to so many,
if he wants you bad enough,
then he should leave his marrage the right way before ever even thinking about being with someone else.
please please please,
i hope i am never that wife, and i hope my daughter will never be that child and i hope you will never be that woman

January 25, 2005
3:59 pm
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ILSILS
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one more thing
what would you say to the "other woman" if you were that wife, or that child?
wow i think im going to cry

January 25, 2005
4:00 pm
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woundedspirit
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I agree with ILSILS. Its very hurtful to both women ultimately. You say your just starting to have more feelings. Get out while you still can before they fully develope!

January 25, 2005
4:20 pm
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ILSILS
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hope i didnt scare you away

January 25, 2005
10:35 pm
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pbnj
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Thank you for your advice. I am not proud of this whole thing and I do feel guilty especially when I see his wife and she is so nice to me. I feel lower then scum. I know I need to put a stop to this.. It is just so hard.. and I know it sounds ridiculous.. To hear myself say it I think I'm insane.. I'm just struggling to get it out of my mind. I don't know why it is so hard. Thanks again.

January 25, 2005
10:58 pm
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godsgirl
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Look. I was the wife who was cheated on by my husband with a girl I knew from the office where we worked. You don't know the pain that it brings until it is done to you. Go look for a man who is not married. Not to sound blunt but it is true. You need to. I am a firm believer that you reap what you sow, and if you are trying to get a married man then wait until you do get him and then he will cheat on you. Stay away from him. Cut off all contact. The only way you will heal from this is if you cut if off completely. Don't talk to him at all and don't buy into the lie that it is ok to be friends with him. That is just an accident waiting to happen, and believe me it will. So do the right thing and walk away. You will find someone else that you will love. Right now it may seem like you won't but you will. Sorry if I seam a little hard on you, but I am trying to spare you from the pain you will face if you continue in this direction.

January 26, 2005
8:31 am
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petitefour
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I, am as well, a victim of the "other woman" syndrome with my husband! It has devastated and just about ruined our chances for any trust......he says it is nothing serious and nothing romantic, but she is STILL calling him.......please don't do this to him or his family OR yourself. Find someone who is legtimately available....not someone else's husband or father!!!!! Unless you have been there (on my side) you can never understand the PAIN this can cause and the damage it can do to his kids, for a lifetime!

January 26, 2005
9:14 am
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CAMER
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i'd just back off from this man, the more you are with him the more you will like him...otherwise try to know he is "off limits".....i am sure if you were married, you wouldn't want your hubby cheating on you.

January 26, 2005
9:16 am
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sc13
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Get out before it gets too serious, my future mother-in-law was cheated on by my future-father-in-law, they have been divorced for 10 years, but the scars are very apparent still. My fiance (28) and his brother (25) still have a lot of bitter feelings toward their new "stepmom" (who was the other woman) and their father. There are negative feelings all around, and even though they did get married, it is very apparent that they are not happy.

January 27, 2005
5:03 pm
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ILSILS
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soooo...im hoping that you are still here and that you took what we said to heart. i hope that you will do the thing you feel is right in your heart. if you need support and someone to talk to we will be i promise.

January 28, 2005
11:33 pm
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sandia
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Hi pbnj. I'm going to approach this a little differently from the others, because getting involved with a married man, to me, has less to do with ethics and morality than the plain and simple fact that it is a dead-end deal for YOU. I have seen married men leave their wives for their new loves, and believe it or not, it has worked out beautifully, BUT....those are the exceptions, not the rule. To pin your hopes on a statitstical unlikelihood would be foolish and destructive. That said, the best reason to get out is for YOU. Believe me, I have wasted years of my life on dead end deals like that, thinking for SURE he will leave her, even getting as far as the divorce papers, only to watch this scared little rabbit run back down the hole (with her, of course). A man, whether married or not, will continue in the same direction as YOU - you will not have to kick, drag, or manipulate him. You will both be moving in the same direction. That is what happened in the cases where it did work out and the guys did leave their wives (no children involved in either case). Without that, you have people moving in two opposite directions. At the beginning, it seems that you are both on the same page. Near the end, it will seem like you're not even in the same book. It is so incredibly painful, I can't even tell you, as I am going through it right now. This is a guy whose marriage is deader than dirt, but he is too scared to leave it. No children, just a very old, sick wife who has him by the you know whats. I finally ditched him last night, and it feels great (okay, maybe a little painful) to be free of him. If he wants me, he can leave her and come and get me. If he doesn't, then it was all a game after all. You don't want to get to that stage. You want to get out NOW. Not because it's immoral, or unethical, or any of those labels some people throw at you, but because it will go nowhere for YOU. If you have one selfish bone in your body, now is the time to use it. Think about YOURSELF, not him, not his wife, not his children, and get out before you feel more pain than you can ever imagine. If his marriage is as cruddy as I suspect it is, wait for the divorce. Good luck, and take care of YOURSELF. No one else.
Cheers,
Sandia

January 28, 2005
11:44 pm
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on my way
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I have never been in this situation, but I have seen the heartbreak of a very dear friend of mine before. I also advise you to break it off. It ma not be easy, but there are many people on these threads who are trying to break off relationships for one reason or another. Please break it off. If you don't have will power then think of his children...it will have long lasting, devastating affects on them. It will snow ball, think of the reality...if the wife is not working, and is a housewife, and has to go back to work to support herself and her children,....jsut to name a FEW of the repercussiions. THINK REALITY for ALL concerned...please.

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