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Falling in and out of love...
August 6, 2001
11:28 pm
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Lecs
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It was only months ago that I was on the road to eternal happiness with this great guy that I met. He became a part of me more than my own parents were. In a matter of weeks our relationship was different, his dark side came out and after weeks of horrible verbal fights, I ended up on a table getting x-rays for possible spinal and rib fractures. Needless to say I didn't play the victim I got out and cut him off. However, I thought it was in my power to get him to counseling and try and salvage what we had had. He did go to counseling and we would talk a few times a week and we started to get along really really well. Than I started missing him like crazy and I could only remember how much a best friend he was to me. Now, I am spending my nights crying and wanting him back and he is hot and cold with me. He misses what we had and than he is this happy independant person. I am falling deep into trying to get this guy back and I can't get out of it. I just need advice and a good boost b/c most of the time that I am alone, I feel as if I have lost a huge part of me and I want it back so badly I lose my rational thinking and start to call him balling. Please help b/c I know I am doing the wrong thing, I just can't get out. I am desperately trying to get my heart to stop hurting, but I am so lost that I am chosing all the wrong paths.

August 7, 2001
1:14 am
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Molly
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Oh, the rush of lust, despite the emergency room, common this is not healthy, it is not a good thing for you, sure the high was great, but get over it. You need this relationship like you need another hole in your head, please think long term and re assess. Please

August 7, 2001
5:56 am
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Sammy
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Sammy rule no. 1. It is unforgivable to allow someone who hit you back into your life.

You can forgive but never let them back in your life because last time you escaped with minor injuries. The next time, you won't be so lucky. So he has anger management classes. That's good but he hit you. So he was good to talk to. He hit you! So he bought you flowers while in hospital. HE HIT YOU!

The best solution is either to go to a resort for a holiday with the only idea is to have a shagadelic time or to find some other dating avenue that will release you of these feelings. Happy hunting.

August 7, 2001
9:50 am
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Alena
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I think you're giving this relationship much too much weight in your life. You said wihin "weeks", well that's not long enough to become best friends with someone, let alone be emotionally involved for life. Ya know? You may say yes it is, because that's what you want, that's what you see down the road, but not in "weeks".

Walk away from this, it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Your desperation is because you need something else in your life. Get going. Get out.
Force yourself!

Let him worry about fixing himself.
Best friends aren't born in weeks, they take a long time to establish trust. He is not to be trusted. Molly and Sammy are right on, go have a life...without him. Just do it.

August 7, 2001
2:27 pm
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gingerleigh
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All of the above feedback is excellent advice. One other point to consider, why he is running hot and cold. He has *very deep issues* if he would strike out at you, and he needs time alone and away from you and all other datable women to figure out what is eating at him so much that he would physically lash out at someone else.

You do NOT need to be a part of this person's life while he is figuring that out. In fact, it's likely that your involvement would be damaging to both you and him.

I'm sure you can agree intellectually with all the opinions stated here. But how do you convince yourself? That's hard. The key is to stay busy. You could tell him that you want to let him get better by himself, and that although you still care for him, he can't be part of your life right now. Then DO NOT CALL HIM. DO NOT TAKE HIS CALLS. Screen your calls if you have to. Get busy with something else, preferably something that doesn't involve dating. Go out with friends, or better yet take up a hobby, get outside, join a dragon boat racing team, whatever. Just get busy. You'll find that you too might really enjoy being independent.

August 7, 2001
2:55 pm
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malaikau
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Dear Lecs,

I know how hard it is to let go of someone you love. Something else I know is that I have had many best friends in my life and not one has ever even hit me, much less broken my ribs. . .

There is a cycle to violence--a tension building phase, where the stress and pressure slowly increase and lead to an explosive phase, where there will be a serious verbal fight, or a physical altercation, and then a honeymoon phase where the couple wants to patch things up and love each other. It's a difficult cycle to break.

It seems like maybe this guy has figured out that you aren't going to tolerate his abusive side, and so he needs to move on since he's not to the point where he wants to make big changes in himself. It's hard to feel rejected, but if that rejection occurs because you are too smart and self-assured to allow the abuse to continue, then that rejection is really a form of a compliment.

You know what you want in a relationship, and physical injury and verbal abuse obviously isn't on your list. Please keep coming back here, even if you choose to reconcile with him. There are those of us who understand and will support you in any decision you make.

I hope you are able to love yourself through this and begin your life in a new way!!!

Mal

August 7, 2001
5:36 pm
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retard
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Hey Hey I think you should ease of this girls EX

maybe she had a good time with him like a great time maybe he just went through a bad patch
no excuse but I think you should give him a second chance
Talk to him first see if he has changed at all then give him a semi-serious trial or summat
but if u think about him you must feel strongly for him

find out if it is Love...or Hate!

August 7, 2001
5:38 pm
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Listen...
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Love is like a punch in the face.

August 7, 2001
6:02 pm
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retard
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Love and Hate are closely related they are the strongest feel ings we own and there is a fine line between them in some cases!!!

August 8, 2001
12:15 am
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gingerleigh
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Sorry retard, there's being a jerk who deserves a second chance and then there is breaking someone's ribs.

And saying that someone has issues is not saying that they are a bad person. We've all got our set of Samsonites, right?

And love might be *like* a punch in the face, but it is definitely *not* a punch in the face, right?

August 8, 2001
11:06 am
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janes
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No it isn't and punching as a way of making a point is not good.

If anyone questions staying or leaving an abuser..

read the posts on drirene's verbal abuse site.

Or take a good look at the abused children who have died...

Read a "Boy called it"

Issues or not abuse is abuse.

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