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Falling fast-need motivation
December 10, 2001
4:25 pm
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Boods
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This isn't my first time writing in. I was invloved in a great relationship for 7 years. Married for 4 months then it all fell apart. My wife left me for several reasons. Some I thought were her problems and some were mine. I smoked pot for the most part of those years. She gently asked me to quit, I didn't respond. My parents were over bearing for her to tolerate, we went to counseling but it never got better. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have cleaned my act up. Things now are harder to take because I know now where I went wrong now. She did love me with everything. She handed her heart to me and I didn't perform. Now she is gone. And I miss her, still love her very much. I am learning what went wrong now that I am out of the fog. One big thing is that I realize that she couldn't trust me. What I mean by that is I think I have a story telling problem. I take a fact and make it more of a story, or sometimes I flat out lie about something to make me seem more interesting. Sometimes I do this uncontiously. It has gotten me in trouble several times throughout my life. I need to do something about it. I think this is what is keeping me from loving myself and keeping people from loving me.

I want to find me, there are so many of me to choose from. My parents made me believe that money is important. Having a consistent job is important. I do have a good job, not much money though. There are several ways I could go now that I am single again, but I have reservations. I am afraid to leave my friends, the town that I made my home with my wife, the comfort of knowing where things are, and being able to hang out with people I trust.

Please, if there is a way to get me thinking (start to find myself-things I can do) freely and not freaking out about things...I'm all ears.

December 10, 2001
5:40 pm
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Molly
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the best way to discover you right now, is to be you. Don't go looking for love right away, spend some time with your self for company, do what you want to do, go where you want to go. Pick up a few books, read about being a human being. Most people who clean up, often write letters, or make amends to those they have hurt on their path, do you need to complete with wife? could put the intentions out there, and get some stuff off your chest, but wouldn't go for the reconcilliation yet, be you with out her for a while, you might grow. No offence in your direction, but if she was willing to commit to a pot smoker, she has some stuff to work through that your doing now that your clean, you may end up on a different page. Writing is a good way to vent, and discover, give it a try. Especially since your a story teller, it will help you to see your own BS, like the Viscott method, a psych that wrote some books a decade ago. People lie, for acceptance, fear of rejection, fiction is more interesting than fact, but after time, you realize that your ok just as you are, aren't you!

December 11, 2001
1:16 pm
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Boods
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Thanks Molly. The one thing that is hard for me is that she knew what she was getting into with me from the get go. Now 8 years later... Now that I am clean and getting physically back into shape, I realize my wrong doings. I do wish that we could start over but she doesn't want to. She said that she would have left me 2 years ago but had no place to go. I never knew that. Also, within the past 2 years she said that she gave me a second chance to clean up. I was gently asked and never given an utimatum. I am one of those people who need to learn the hard way, or given an ultimatum in order for me to see the wrong and right. She says that I have an issue with love. That I don;t know how to. I still love her and would take her back?? Yes, in a heart beat. I blew an oppotunity of having a great life with her. I guess another thing I failed to mention is that I am a sex addict. I mean even though I am single now, I still look for women to have sex only relationships. I feel like I need sex all the time in order to feel good, plus I love doing it. I treat it as if it were an art more so than to find love. Funny, that's how I found my wife (ex-wife). Is this a huge problem, could this be an obstacle in order for me to find me? How do I overcome my sex addiction. FYI...this sex addiction has now taken the place of booze and drugs. How messed up am I? being single again is real hard for me. She was my life for a long time.

December 20, 2001
10:38 am
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Boods
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Thanks Blondie. I would love to make an amends but she is so cold to me everytime I see or talk to her. She is always to the point and bitter about everything. She says that no matter what I say, she does not think it is sincere. I know what I am saying is sincere. Why would I not be in a time like this? She has told me that even when people ask her how her weekend was, she looks for a more underlying reason of why they asked instead of thinking that they are just being nice. That really bothers me because that means no matter what I say or do to make an amends she will not tolerate that or she'll look at it as something more deep than it actually is.

Then, get this, her best friend in the whole world whom she ran to in our separation and who is now her roomate made a pass at me. She said she wanted to have sex and be "f*@k partners". What is going on? She would not stop and even took all her clothes off and went for mine. I stopped her and told her to go. I ran into her at a bar by the way, and this all happened when I went over to their apartment to see my dog. So now what do I do? My soon to be ex trusts this woman with her life right now. And she is getting screwed over big time it seems. I really want to tell my ex because I feel bad for her that this is happening. Should I tell? If so how should I go about it? I know if I told her she would be devastated. Or would she even believe me? All her friend would have to do is deny deny deny.

What a mess. Please advise.

December 26, 2001
2:02 pm
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Boods
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Thanks Blondie. I would love to make an amends but she is so cold to me everytime I see or talk to her. She is always to the point and bitter about everything. She says that no matter what I say, she does not think it is sincere. I know what I am saying is sincere. Why would I not be in a time like this? She has told me that even when people ask her how her weekend was, she looks for a more underlying reason of why they asked instead of thinking that they are just being nice. That really bothers me because that means no matter what I say or do to make an amends she will not tolerate that or she'll look at it as something more deep than it actually is.

Then, get this, her best friend in the whole world whom she ran to in our separation and who is now her roomate made a pass at me. She said she wanted to have sex and be "f*@k partners". What is going on? She would not stop and even took all her clothes off and went for mine. I stopped her and told her to go. I ran into her at a bar by the way, and this all happened when I went over to their apartment to see my dog. So now what do I do? My soon to be ex trusts this woman with her life right now. And she is getting screwed over big time it seems. I really want to tell my ex because I feel bad for her that this is happening. Should I tell? If so how should I go about it? I know if I told her she would be devastated. Or would she even believe me? All her friend would have to do is deny deny deny.

What a mess. Please advise.

December 26, 2001
7:37 pm
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Molly
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I say leave the gf alone, and move on, since your working at clean and sober, and met her while out doing the pick up thing, she won't fit in the life of the new you. Many men have underlying anger at women, so how was mom? That figures into the character routine, um, can I get this one, um gonna make her want more, then walk away routine. The pot, and alcohol does stop the growing, and emotional process, you might want a group or sponsor before you take that on alone. GF is angry and she has a right to be, she feels used, lied to, and wasted some good years, but remember in your part, that it took two and she bought into it, so don't guilt trip. but maybe it is time to figure out who you are and what you want, but that is best done alone, tooo bad she got the dog.

December 27, 2001
4:41 pm
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deshong
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Look Boods,

Right now you have many personal issues to work on. There are groups for sex-addicts and counseling. Even if your ex-wants you back right now, you are not ready to handle a healthy intimate relationship. You need to get to the root of your problems.

Why do you need sex to feel good about yourself? Why do you engage in non-committed relationships that lack emotional attatchment and true love and intimacy? Are you running or avoiding something? Do you have any unresolved past issues?

I would stay away from your ex and her friend. Her friend is hitting on you because she knows that either way she is in the clear due to the mistrust between you and your ex.

January 2, 2002
12:38 pm
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Boods
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As the world turns. Thanks for all your replys. But what a day makes. Of course we just went through the holidays and something huge has come up. Our friends " Dave & Kelly" from Denver were in for 2 weeks with their baby. I got together with them often as my ex got together with Kelly a few times to go shopping. Of course I heard about it all through Kelly and Dave. They told me that my ex was miserable and she is not sure if this is the right thing. She regrets not giving us a second chance just to see if we could work things out since now I am sober. Well our friends wanted my ex to go out with them last Saturday to play some games and have a beer. She wasn't sure about going alone. Kelly mentioned that she saw me and I looked good. My ex said the same and was wondering if I wanted to come out with them. Kelly asked the ex if she was sure and that she could arrange it. The ex was all for it. So I get a phone call from Dave asking me to hang with the 3 of them. I said it wasn't a good idea and that there would have to be some sort of purpose in order for me to hang. And I wanted to hear it from my ex. So she called. She asked me if I wanted to come and that it would be fun. I said I didn't think it was a good idea thinking that I was going to hang and then leave and nothing would be discussed. Basically just be friends and still divorce...I couldn't handle that I know. The ex was afraid of that, so Kelly offered to call me back to tell me that this is her way of saying let's give this a second shot, but she wants to take baby steps. I was shocked. But thought about it and went. We had a great time. I walked the ex home and she gave me a hug and a kiss and said she would call me later. 3 days went by til I just heard her message she left me at work wishing me a happy new year. I am so confused with all this. I know I would want to give this a second chance if I knew she was sincere. What should I do? Should I leave the ball in her court? Also, is this really an opportunity, or was it all hype? Again, I've only heard all this from our friends.

And to top all that off. I met someone who gets me. No attachment wanted just someone to hang out with. We have a great time when we're together, plus she knows my whole divorce situation. But I do love my wife very much and would hate to not give her that shot. I don't know anymore...too many decisions it seems. How should I handle all this mess?

January 2, 2002
2:44 pm
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Cici
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Hmmm. Addiction issues aside, in my opinion there is no such thing as "relationship issues" - there are only individual Issues that interact to cause conflict in a relationship. Granted, she gently asked you to quit but talking is not the same as communication. What I'm getting at is passivity. It's my #1 problem with people - can't stand it. My husband has a big problem with passivity. All the time I say, I'm not psychic. I can't see what's going on in your head. Explain clearly in 10 sentences or less why you are upset and what your ideas for remedying the situation are. I'll present my counter-argument and we can reach a concensus. Whenever things get too heated, we take a time out that usually leads to me screaming incoherently at the punching bag we have in the garage, but after that's done we can get back to the table and to negotiations.

I got all this from a book. I'll post the title when I get home but it's something about the 7 principles of a strong marriage.

Now. Addiction issues: 75% of people who go through rehabilitation programs return to abusing their drug of choice. Also, roughly 80% of people who smoke pot regularly in their late teens and twenties end up gradaully stopping on their own. Apparently it really is a phase for some people. But I also know several successful businessmen who smoke pot. I'm not getting into whether its right or wrong because I smoke, I work, I go to college and do research as well as unpaid internships. I just started taking jazz piano lessons. No justification but for me, I think, self-medication. I personally cannot stand psychiatrists, either professionally or personally, even though I'm in the field of psychology.

Anyway, the fact that you moved from one addiction to another (more socially appropriate) addiction leads me to think that there are underlying issues to addiction and the source of your craving must be addressed. Either that or get addicted to cleaning or something. The sad fact is that psychology has little to offer the addict in terms of treatment because in general, most of the population is addicted to something. So socially appropriate addictions, like addictions to work, coffee, soap operas, television, working out, that kinda thing - that's ok.

You are the one who ultimately calls the shots but for now why not try interacting with these people without the strings attached. Why not hang out as friends, is that not ok? And be open about it, too, like "I don't think it would be healthy for either of us to start something up so can we just hang out?" Whatever happened to that, anyways? If you don't feel capable of making a decision now, and there isn't anything dire hanging on your decision, just don't make a decision yet!

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