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Failure to Launch: ambivalent about my 29 year old still living at home
June 13, 2006
3:56 am
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bonita1
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I feel bad and I know it is probably the codependent inside of me, but I just talked to my 29 year old divorced daughter (and mom of my only grandson) again about moving out. I feel bad because on the one hand, I want her to leave the house and have her own place, but on the other hand I want to keep her and my grandson close by so that I can see them often. I also have a 25 year old son still living at home and I'll be feeling bad about asking him to move, too.

I feel mean and it hurts because it is my daughter and my grandson. They are my kids.

I don't need anybody being mean and judgemental to me on this thread. Believe it or not, this happened to me before when I talked about my adult kids living at home. I was attacked for supposedly "taking advantage" of my son and how I made that person who responded to my thread "sick" because I took the little financial help he was giving me at the time. Now, he has bought a truck and does not contribute towards living expenses at all.

Right now I'm just feeling bad and would like some friends to hear me and share how they dealt with letting go of their grown kids or how they were able to push them out of the "nest."

June 13, 2006
4:10 am
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cpt1212
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bonita,

i will 29 this week and don't really have any advice for you. what i can say is that if it works for you and your kids then damn what is "supposed" to happen. I say if you and your kids have a relationship in which your kids still want to be at home at that age then more power to you!

June 13, 2006
4:27 am
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sewunique
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Bonita,

My friend, I haven't seen you areound for some time. i am sorry you are feeling sad and in a funk over this.

Actually, when my daughter was 12, I told her I didn't wnat her married and still living at home untill she was 25. She promised me she wanted to be a nun! Her being my only child and thinking of the future and grandchildren, I got a bit nervous (but didn't tell her this). Well, she got into her teens and did start dating. It all turned out fine in the end.

Is there some magical age when kids are to leave home?

Better than what I was told; once you're 18 you're on your own and we don't have to have to provide for you. Once your're 18, you move out.

So, do what fits for you. what ever works for you and the kids. It seems yur daughter needs a safe haven and support. When she is ready, she will leave and you will want this for her but it will hurt much. My daughter lived with us thru her first pregnancy and when she left to get married and our grandson was almost a year old; it hurt. I was happy for her marriage, but selfishly, and lovingly, I was sad to see her go. There was such an emptiness it took over two years to adjust. Silly, but it happens that way sometimes. I, as you, was glad I could be there when she needed me. Many parents are not.

At least I was able to give her something I never had; caring parent who was there when she needed me. that is a gift of love you are providing your daughter with!

Blessings to you,

Sew

June 13, 2006
4:35 am
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bonita1
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Earlier this evening my adult daughter came into my bedroom to tell me that her ex husband had told their six year old son that Dad was going to court so that the son could live with his daddy all the time. Dad also told his son not to tell his mom.

Later on I instant messaged my grown daughter about being concerned that her ex might have some grounds for asking the court for physical custody. They have joint custody now but my daughter has full physical custody while her ex has visitation every other weekend and once during the week.

me: Your ex can say Bobby (not his real name) lives in a pig pen and it would be true

Mija: i know

me: he (the ex)can say that you don't feed him (Bobby)regularly

Mija: Bobby is always hungry, i can say the same about him (the ex not feeding him regularly)

me: or that you don't wash Bobby's clothes. Bobby asks me to do stuff for him, like getting him breakfast,wash his pants or his stuffed animals--stuff that you won't or don't do--things that are your responsibility especially if you are at home sleeping and not at work. He tells me on a weeknight that you have gone out for a drink with a friend and it is 2 A.M. and he is still up and I had no idea you were even out of the house.... all of these things are things that he can just as easily tell his dad....

me: he shouldn't even know you are out drinking or are drunk in the pictures you take of you and your friends at the club... this is totally inappropriate for a six year old child to know!

Mija: i don't tell him i go out drinking

me: and he can say the same things to his dad

Mija: i tell him i'm going dancing

me: he told me you had gone out for a drink with a friend. out of the mouths of babes and this was on a wed. or thurs. night

me: he does not have a regular bedtime, you are glued to your computer screen and do not put him to bed at a decent hour on a school night... you rarely cook for him other than to nuke a smuckers pb & j or a cup o noodles.... you don't spend quality time with him on your weekends with him, a me & mommy fri. nite or sat. nite date nite

me: I am not trying to piss you off or hurt you but I feel I must tell you as your mom and because you are here in the house and I am observing these actions. I am aware that my observations may not be accurate and that I probably don't have all of your information or reasons behind why you do what you do.... But, I believe that truthfully, you are neglecting Bobby or not taking care of him the way that i know you can

me: also, i don't need to know all of your reasons behind your actions or the reasons behind the choices you are making or how you are choosing to live your own life.... you are almost thirty and you certainly have the right to live your own life.... but I don't have to be a witness to it, especially if I am perceiving that you are neglecting my grandson..... I would never tell your ex what I am saying to you here. No need to give him ammunition. But he is definitely fishing when he comments to me that it seems to him as if you are neglecting your son...

me: he told me this when he saw me scrambling to find and put Bobby's asthma meds and extra clothes in his little backpack for his visitation weekends with his dad

Mija: I don't know why he keeps asking for clothes, he never comes back with them

me: even tho' your ex and ex mom-in-law had both requested that you pack a change of clothing for his weekends...... you need to ask for the clothes back

me: regarding your little sister, Ivy (not real name), I need to tell you upfront what is going on there

me: her therapist and the psychologist who tested her, believe that the environment that Ivy(age 6) is living in is detrimental to her self-esteem and contributing to her difficulty in having BMs

Mija: you said that they said she had too many mother figures

me: Too many authority figures that tell her what to do.... what is especially concerning her therapist is the fact that Ivy is so adamant about not wanting you to take her to school or to do anything for her.....also what is concerning the therapist is that you refused to take Ivy to the bathroom at the therapist's office-building for a BM and that Ivy had told the therapist that you had refused to let her get out of the car before her appt. to go inside the house to have a BM....

Mija: she went to the bathroom at the office
Mija (6/12/2006 11:52:11 PM): after her appt

me: The therapist was extremely angry and upset by your seeming coldness and lack of emotion.....

I am glad to hear that you did take her to the bathroom.... HOWEVER,I was extremely upset and concerned that you did not SEEM to attach any importance to Ivy's BMs; especially knowing the problem that she and I are having with this issue..... the therapist even said that she perceived your inaction as neglectful to the point of abuse

June 13, 2006
4:47 am
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bonita1
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sew and cp,

Thank you for your kind words. But do you see how I am between a rock and a hard place? On the one hand, I do want to help my adult kids by letting them stay at home until they can stand on their own, but on the other hand the living situation does not seem to be healthy for my six year old.

The therapist says that my eldest is 29, an adult. My little one is not an adult and needs mom to help and protect her from harm. I'm afraid I agree with her and that is why I forced myself to talk to my 29 year old, even though I was crying inside.

June 13, 2006
5:20 am
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sewunique
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Bonita

Are you talking about about another daughter at home? forgive me for forgetting, but I thought you had a younger daughter as well?

It seems the six year old is having roblems because the mother, your daughter's behavor?

If this is so, then would her moving out help her to take on more responsibility?

Correct me if I have this wrong. Is the six year old your daughter or grand child?

It is late and am heading for bed, can't think brain dead here.

It is a tough situation either way. Perhaps talking it out will help to make it clearer with your options? I hope so. It's a tough one.

Love,

Sew

June 13, 2006
5:28 am
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bonita1
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I went on to tell my 29 year old that Ivy's therapist is concerned that her (the 29 year old's) perceived lack of affection for Ivy or lack of concern for Ivy's welfare would further damage Ivy's self esteem and add to her depression.

I told Ivy's therapist that what she perceived as a lack of emotion or detachment from my older daughter was a survival tactic that you as a child had learned--to hold in your emotions because of the mental and sexual abuse you endured...

me: as a therapist she is concerned

Mija: ok

me: ok?

Mija: well, what do you want me to say. I'm not reactive and if that is hurting Ivy, ok, i'm already planning on leaving, but I can't until August

Mija: had no idea telling my kid to pick up the toys he had strewn about was strange

(the therapist thought it strange that my 29 year old told my grandson to pick up the toys he had strewn about the waiting room, and then proceeded to ignore him while she was flipping through the pages of a magazine and seemed unwilling to take Ivy to the office bathroom, which she did end up doing anyway, before heading off for home.)

me: no need to get defensive with me, the point is that Ivy's therapist perceives your demeanor as strange or off in that you are detached to the point of being narcissistic..... my concern in telling you this is first for Ivy, and second for you. You are also my daughter and I am concerned for your well being and hope and pray that you will get back into therapy as soon as you can...... you are moving on or by august 1st? This is another thing that you need help in, communicating to people who play a significant role in your life, i.e., your mom. I would have appreciated you dialogueing with me about your thoughts and plans, something like, "Don't worry, mom," or "I will be getting my own place soon, no later than August 1st or August 30th"

Mija: not sure exactly when in august

Mija: probably the end

me: Well, you could have said no later than August 30th, which is fine for all concerned. I am not a mean or cold monster....

Also, I hope that someday you will be able to express your thoughts to me when I am trying to talk to you and tell you what I am feeling because you have ignored my repeated requests for you to clean the house and/or at the very least clean your room and bathroom.... Don't get me wrong, I thank you for washing the dishes today....but do you feel good about the way that we live? Or, that you have no energy to do anything around the house?

me: When was the last time you had a physical and had your thyroid checked? You need to take care of yourself and find the cause of whatever is ailing you. I truly believe that you are the only person who can help yourself to become the person of integrity that I know you are inside

me: I'm your mom, always and will love you always... sure I get pissed off by your actions or rather your inaction but that does not mean I do not love you or believe in you and hope and pray for your success in life, not financial success (although it would be nice), but success first and foremost as a mom, and second as a responsible adult who takes care of her obligations, keeps her word and who can be proud of her actions and efforts in life because she always did her best...

June 13, 2006
5:35 am
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bonita1
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sew,

I am heading off for bed too before my alarm rings off in about 3 hours.

I can certainly understand your confusion. I have 3 daughters and one son. The eldest is my 29 year old daughter. My son is next and he is 25 years old. Then there is a 12 year gap and I have my thirteen year old daughter and my 6 oops I mean 7 year old daughter, Ivy.

My 29 year old is the mom of my grandson, who is six. Both my 7 year old daughter and my 6 year old grandson play together 24/7, go to the same school and everybody at the elementary school knows they are auntie and nephew. Very funny...and very confusing at first glance.

Sleep well, my friend. I'll feel better in the morning, I'm certain.

June 13, 2006
7:32 am
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revelation
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Hey Bon!

Thought I might have something to add to this. I'm 32, I been living on my own, permanently since 24...I say permantently, because I was back and forward to my folks house from about 18....finally flew the next for good at 24. My mother was the opposite of you, from the time we were 18 we were told "Hey, you don't have a say here, you don't like it, get out" So, she made ourlives such hell in the house after 18 (And before that as well!) that we really had no choice but to go. Thats NOT ideal...not at all!!! On the other hand there is my ex, 36, still living at home, totally dependent on his parents (He gets odd-jobs of his father for cash, mum still cooks and cleans for him) I think this is WRONG! 25 is not so old, at 25 you are still learning...but 35...NOPE thats taking it too far! I think any mother who has a healthy 35 year old son, still living at home with no income and no hope of moving out must just not give a damn about him at all...she NEVER asks what his plans are, what he would like to do...etc etc. I think there is a happy medium as in all things. You don't want to be like my mum, but you don't want to be like my ex's mum either....just care enought to ask what sons/daughters future plans are and then enourage them to aim for something...should be enough to help them. You want the best for them, that I can tell.

G'luck,
Rev.

June 13, 2006
9:08 am
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Back in the days when several generations lived under one roof and worked together to exist, this was considered normal. They helped one another. It was necessary to everyone's survival.

A high school student from Madrid once told me she thought we Americans were hard-hearted because we expected our children to LEAVE at 18. I tried to defend because I said that just happened at 18 because we want our children to go on to college at that point, tht it is the typical age of "launching", so to speak.

But the truth is that there is a stigma within our culture. We do not value the son or daughter or parent who are that comfortable and loving with each other that they want to stay close together. We have to suggest that they are not independent enough, or courageous enough, to get "out there" and make it on their own.

It does sound like Mija does not stand up to her responsibilities and perhaps is taking advantage of you. Does she justify "using" you because of the abuse she experienced? Is she kind of cold towards the children because she is still feeling used/abused by her ex? She wants a good time, and finds it in the dancing and partying. It's like she did not get enough of a childhood herself and is still trying to get that back. Does she work fulltime?

You are handling so much in such a perceptive and wise way. You come across as a very insightful and loving mother.

Somehow, there has to be a way to set Mija up for a wake-up call. How does she think things would play out if something happened to you? She does not want to look very deeply into herself. It's probably pretty painful. Just keep appealing to the adult within her. Encourage her in the August move. How far away will she be? Try to begin separating out your own responsibilities from hers in the parenting of these two little ones.

My very best wishes for a good outcome. You must take of yourself as well.

June 14, 2006
12:37 am
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bonita1
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Dear rev & brynnie,

You both make so much sense. I definitely do not want my son to be living at home at 35 doing menial jobs with no future. That scares me. Yes,Brynnie, I do agree that in other cultures, like the one your high school student from Madrid comes from, adult children do live at home until they marry and establish homes of their own or if they remain single, they often stay at home and eventually care for their aging parents.

My therapist and I kicked this idea around in our last session. An interesting thing that my therapist pointed out was that the adult children in these cultures were often highly educated professionals or had some kind of marketable job skills that enabled them to earn a good living and enabled them to contribute to the family and household expenses.

I met a young woman in Colima, Mex. who was in her late twenties, early thirties and still lived at home. Every morning she went off to work at the radio station, came home for siesta time and went back to work from 2pm to 7pm. She seemed emotionally healthy and a productive member of society. She had a "novio" (fiancè)and was looking forward to establishing her own household.

On the other hand, my son seems apathetic and depressed. Sometimes I think he is frightened by change and is too comfortable with the status quo.

My daughter does seem to want to party. My ex-husband did steal her childhood away because of his molestation of her. I believe that she seems cold and detached because she learned to disassociate herself from her feelings in order to survive the abuse. I also believe that she needs to go back to therapy.

Molestation or any kind of abuse is not something that you can "get over." The scars will stay with a person forever. You can't see the scars but they are there. Burn victims live with scars and go on to live happy lives. I sincerely believe this is possible for those of us who carry our scars inside.

June 14, 2006
12:42 am
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My youngest brother is alot like your son. He is 31 and still living the failure to launch. It seems as thoug he is scared to step outside and make his own way. Many nights we have talked about him moving out but he just can't seem to get to the door for some reason. It's ok to feel ambivalent about it. We all want the best for our children and sometimes it's hard for them to see that. He will though as long as you emotionally support him and help him out of the nest. Good luck sweetie.

tink

June 14, 2006
2:57 am
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bonita1
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Thank you, tink.

Does your brother have a marketable skill? Did he complete his education? I am encouraging my son to finish his schooling in computer programming.

He has been depressed for the last few years, ever since my daughter disclosed the molestation and the family blew apart like shrapnel. My kids and I have come a long way since then but the scars remain.

My son refused to go to therapy of to the M.D. for some meds for depression back when he had full medical coverage. Now his employer provides a very inferior medical benefit package and he is uninformed if mental health services are covered by his insurance carrier.

He has become quite adept at fixing computers, building them and programming some simple programs. I believe he could easily pass the C++ certification and go out and get a better job. When I talk to him about studying for this test and taking it, he agrees with me and says he will do it. But then I come home from work and he is either asleep (he works the graveyard shift and must sleep during the day) OR else he is online with other hard core computer gamers from around the country playing some bloody shoot 'em dead type computer game. He's 25 and he seems to be wasting his youth away.

June 14, 2006
3:27 am
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Bonita:

Well, I spoze I could add a few things that I know. First, the ex will have valid reason if he can get the proof of how your daughter is living and w/ her mom. Living w/ mom is not that big a deal, but the filth of her room and her lack of parenting are very valid reasons in the courts eye to take her custody away.

As for older siblings living w/ you. Are they in an area of the home that is "theirs"? I

One of my best friends in the whole world is 46 and still lives at home w/ her mom. She stayed home w/ mom because her dad died her senior year in schoool. Then my friend developed an illness, which is is alot better now. But she and her mom live in a 2 bedroom home and get along quite well. My 46 yr old friend has never married or had kids either.

Anothr is a 46 yr old guy that still lives w/ his mom. He stayed coz his dad was ill up until a couple years ago when he died. He still remains w/ his mom but then he's had health problems receintly too. No marriage and no kids here either.

I think if it's working for ya'll then go for it. But, it obviously isn't if Ivy's therapist is witnessing it and commenting to you.

Hard call. Is there apts. close by where they could live?

June 14, 2006
5:50 am
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bonita1
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I just talked to my 29 year old again tonight. She told me that the only places she could afford after doing an online apt. search were in "ghetto" parts of the county.

The apts. nearby my house are very expensive with the average being $1300/mo. for a 2 bedroom.

The schools in my area are also very good schools with a Blue Ribbon reputation.

What to do?

I told her that I had several problems with her living with me and that was

1. the way she and her baby sister, Ivy, interact

2. the mess that her living space is in. She has the mother-in-law quarters in my home, meaning she has her own bedroom, small attached sitting room, linen closet and full bathroom w/ tub and shower.

3. she doesn't pay rent

4. she doesn't help around the main part of the house.

5. going out w/o letting me know she is leaving Bobby with me...

So, we discussed options.

1. move to the "ghetto," put Bobby in an inferior school, raising a son in an unsafe environment

2. Her going back to therapy ASAP

3. Both she and I taking a parenting class together so that we can achieve some uniformity in our styles (Ivy's therapist had suggested it)

4. Pay me a monthly rent on the 1st of the month

June 14, 2006
6:33 am
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I think you should do what YOU feel is right, you'll get many responses here both siding with staying at home and leaving.......and who care what anyone else thinks, do what is right for you, and leave the rest.

June 14, 2006
9:25 am
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Hi again, Bonita,

This sounds soooo reasonable. How did she respond to the options?

I am so sorry to hear about how despondant(sp.) your son is and his inability to face things right now.

You seem so good at constructive problem-solving. I think I would very much appreciate your input in my life! You sound upbeat, in spite of the "casualties"!!

I don't think I am a negative viewpoint, but I do know I have had enough grief and feelings of failure to distort my self-confidence and hopes.

When I'm really depressed and discouraged, the energy of a "Positive" person nearby, no matter how well-meaning, is resented. For one thing, that focused energy they have just does not exist for me. The task in front of me is just too overwhelming. The trail of my own "uselessness" is just a pattern I cannot break, so why try? Putting on a happy/phoney face and forcing myself to just do the next necessary step towards a goal is the ONLY way I can get myself to move.

ASK them what they are afraid of.

So, getting both those adult kids to recognize they have a time frame to set up an achievable goal NOW might feel unpleasant to them, but you have to get them to believe you. Tell them you expect daily behavior NOW that proves to you that their intent to move forward in their lives is real. Point out which of their behaviors are counter-productive and let them know you expect them to practice good use of their time to prove their good intentions towards you. Gentle loving pressure. Encouraging, non-critical words and tone of voice.

And then concentrate on yourself and the younger children. They deserve quality time with you that the older ones have been squandering. You deserve some renewal too. Find a way to give yourself a break.

Forgive me for going all "preachy". I was just trying to put myself in your kids' shoes for a while and imaging what might reach me in their state.

Maybe it will take something as drastic as selling this larger home and moving into something that will only accomodate you and the younger ones. Maybe all they need is to see you looking into that option. If they see you visualizing YOUR life without them under your roof....

I hope somewhere in these ramblings you find something helpful. That is what I like about these threads. Sometimes, someone can phrase something that allows me to finally hear in a different way. Please keep posting your kids' responses. We all learn from it.

June 14, 2006
10:13 am
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I didnt want to step in and then i had to, my problem as some may know, i allow my 29 turn 30 tomorrow son live with me and b/f, so he could stay off streets, drugs is his thing. He is veryimmature and because i have been there for him with any problem legal and illegal, he still thinks i can save him. Try to stop after you trained them that way. Now the only thing i think of when i hear these situations, is how i wish i never had children. I dont mean to offend anyone. I cant describe the hurt i am going thru. I constantly, willingly gave up anything that had to do with me, to make it easier for kids. I also have a 35 yr old son, who stopped communicating with me since 2000. He didnt like the man i married, and now i seehe was right, he is incarcerated, but i never did anything but love him. I have been alone and written my son all the time to speak to me, i finally gave up, especially when i found out he had a large wedding and my family and i were not invited or notified. So the slap in the face, over and over, is turning me into a cold person.

June 14, 2006
12:04 pm
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nappy
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Life is made up in making many decision. I guess that we all will have to go through it as long as we are living life. Either we do it because we have to embrace life or we face it because now we have to. And you know that if we haven't prepare ourselves with the things that we are suppose to do in life then it will be hell trying to learn it at a old age.
My brother and sisters and I had to learn life the hard way, And what I mean is that our mother died at a early age. Her mother took care of us but by then my grandmother was already old. I thank her because she taught me about life, and how to prepare myself once I get out there into the world.
You have to ask yourself as a mother that if you wasn't here to help them, what will they be doing? You want your kids to learn to take care of themselves and when they have children, then they will know how to take care of them also. Being a mother we all want to rescue our kids but sometimes that is the only way that they are going to learn. 18 is just a number that we have learn that this is a age where we better get started preparing for our life. Just think that if you start at 29, compare to 18, then you have wasted 11 years of your life getting started. I know some who had to face life in there 30 and 40 and sitting there wondering the same things that they wasted 20 something years of there life doing nothing and wanting to blame everyone else for the things that has happen in there life. You will do what you want to do because these are your children and you love them very much, but sometimes we can hurt our kids by not letting them see life for what it really is.
The one thing that my grandmother did teach me that I would never forget is that she said.
When I die, you'll have to watch some people because they will not treat you and protect you like I would in the land of the living.
She was right, As long as my mother and grandmother was there I felt protected and felt like I don't have to do because they are here but when they died, I realize that I was taught survival skill in life that has carried me in my lifetime. I didn't say that it wasn't hard but I thank them all the time for teaching me on being a woman and a mother and a grandmother.
Oh and another saying is.
If you FEEL that you are GROWN, and don't want to obey the RULES of the house, then you have to go and get your OWN home and then YOU do what you want to do in your OWN home. Because CAN'T to many GROWN FOLKS stay in the HOUSE TOGETHER. (smile)

June 14, 2006
12:28 pm
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I think that it's necessary for you to EMPOWER your daughter to be responsible and a good mom.

it's probable that your son and daughter lost their feeling of "personal power" when the sh*t hit the fan and the abuse came to light.

it's probable that they are AFRAID of going out into the big bad world because the world that they should have been able to trust, hurt them in such a horrific way - so if you can't trust those closest to you - who can you trust?

I think that making your daughter accountable and responsible for acting like an adult is a good start - most landlords have a requirement for the place to stay neat and clean - only those in the slums don't care....and I think it's totally reasonble for her to contribute to the household - she may not like it, but in the end, it will teach her that she CAN be responsible.....cleaning up her "messes" for her (if you do) will only teach her to depend on you more - and not to depend on herself.

Set down rules - she must ask permission to go out and leave the boy with you - not just walk out...that's taking advantage of you and your time....I was guilty of doing this to my mom....until she put her foot down....our relationship is better now because of it.

also - look into section 8 or affordable housing options....get her on lists....find out about what social services can offer her....there are options.

I DO agree that if possible, he should stay where the education is the best - I had to make compromises to keep my daughter in the better schools - and our town opened up "affordable housing" which isn't cheap, but made me work hard to give her what she deserved.....so perhaps staying put, but making her work for what she has is the answer.

as far as your son - there are many clinics and doctors who work on sliding fee scales based on income and will provide sample meds for free....it sounds like depression and he should be seen.

all of them should continue to be seen.....

It looks like you are a mom who loves her children and grandchildren and just wants to protect them from being hurt anymore....just remember that being too protective will as much harm as the harm you are trying to protect them from.

June 16, 2006
1:09 am
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bonita1
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Mamacinnamon, Brynne, Alicat, Smarterone, Nappy and Camer,

I want to thank you all for taking the time to share your collective wisdom. I was able to reflect on your postings and there was always some gem that I was able to appreciate. For example;

camer said, "...do what is right for you, and leave the rest." I am sincerely trying to do what is right and best not only for me but for all my children. (All my Children LOL, I feel like a soap opera)

alicat,

I admire that you kept your daughter in a better school district without counting the cost to yourself in hard work and sacrifices. Our town also has some affordable housing and Section 8 is definitely a possibility. I think she might have applied to section 8 already a couple of years ago or maybe she said she would and didn't do it. I will have to ask her about that.

nappy,

It's true, "Being a mother we all want to rescue our kids..." It's also true that I am codependent and in recovery and I have to fight my inclination to do for them. The best way for a person to learn is when they do for themselves.

smarterone,

I feel your pain. Before therapy, I used to feel that I didn't matter only my kids and their well being mattered. I am so sorry that you are hurting.

June 16, 2006
1:46 am
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bonita1
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brynnie,

a lot of your ideas, like selling the house and getting a smaller one just for my little girls and me, I have discussed in therapy.

After living here for 10 years I would NOT like to move but it could definitely be a possibility in the future.

In therapy, we talked about the importance of writing out my expectations of behavior from my adult children. My therapist, R., told me to write out what I have been discussing with my adult children and also to put down the consequences of them not complying to the rules of the house.

I also agree, alicat, that their behavior has to be shown to me on a daily basis so that I can see that they are making a real effort.

Since talking with my adult daughter, she has phoned me twice to tell me she is running late and she has told me once that she was going out and that bobby was already in bed and that she would return in a couple of hours. So those are positive steps.

On the other hand, my son has not followed through on the studying he was going to do in order to go and take his C++ certification test. He is depressed and I do believe that fear and feeling "powerless" has a lot to do with it. But, I think convenience and comfort are also the big attractions and the fact that I am mostly very easygoing and patient.

June 17, 2006
6:22 pm
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bonita1
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Well talking about behavior changes. I am not seeing them. Its saturday afternoon and until a little while ago, both my adult childrenn were sleeping. My son sleeps because he works graveyard shift at the grocery store, my daughter sleeps because she stays out all night with her friend, Angel (not her real name). I happened to be up this morning at 5 A.M. and she was barely walking in the door.

I told her that I would need her help today in cleaning the house and she said she hadn't slept all night and had to go to sleep. Well, I let her sleep and when I knocked on her door, guess what??? She was glued to the computer. Once again I told her that I would need her help cleaning up and she said, "O.K." But has she stepped out of her bedroom yet?? NO!!

I'm getting my son out of bed, too. He is supposed to help out and my thirteen year old won't escape the burden, either. The little ones are away on their respective visitations with Dad. 13 year old missy doesn't DO visitation anymore, so she is available even though she whines and complains worse than anybody I have ever heard in my life. GRRRRRRRRrrrrrrr

June 19, 2006
3:35 am
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Its Monday morning and I finally did get my daughters (the 29 year old and the thirteen year old),to make a dent in the chores.

Told them both, if your room is in my house then I expect it to be tidy. So they both began to clean their respective rooms. Will wonders never cease.

My son is a tougher case.

June 19, 2006
10:34 am
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Good luck, I know you can only do so much. It is so frustrating, especially that they just dont get it. I dont know, when i was younger and my dad, who was insane, was alive, i was scared shit. These days the kids, nothing bothers them. Dont get yourself sick. That is so easy to do. Take care

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