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Facing the facts/my definition of codependency
April 25, 2004
6:51 pm
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uptoolate
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here are some facts that I have learned about my addictive relationship and my codependency:

I am tormented by his behavior

I give until I am exhausted, angry and emptied of everything.

I care so deeply and destructivly about him and his problems that I have forgotten how to care about myself.

My codependency is MY problem. Solving MY problems is MY responsibility.

For me, codependency means worrying so much about what someone else is doing or feeling that I forget about taking care of myself. It's neglecting and not caring about my own needs. It's living my life for someone else, making them the most important thing while pushing everything and everyone else, including myself aside.

I have started the book and it's great.

April 25, 2004
7:06 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Whenever I hear somebody speak of themselves as "codependent," my first reaction in terms of clinical process is to "rule out" the presence of an "abusive relationship."

April 25, 2004
7:16 pm
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lightoflove
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Worried Dad,

I know woman who were living in a loving relationships and are codependent. They loved a man for many years and where blinded until the day thier husbands or B/f's told them that they never loved them. At least with a abusive relationship there are signs but when it hapens overnight it can be very devestating.

light

April 25, 2004
7:31 pm
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annastar
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It always signs, in less you deny them. Nothing happening overnight.

April 25, 2004
8:14 pm
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Trish04
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I have been dating a guy for quite awhile that has drained me of "ME". I am just now realizing that he really doesn't care about me just how convenient and easy I make everything for him. We have a lot of fun together, but he is not affectionate...telling me that he is just not that kind of guy and never will be. (NOTE: He was not that way int the beginning.) I accepted that "that's just he way he is". But am slowing realizing that my needs are not being met. He is respectful, but just has NO feelings. I would say he is one of those "emotionally unavailable" men. This is not my pattern. Every man that I have had a relationship with has been very loving, caring and respectful. So I keep asking myself....why am I with this guy???? I know that I need to get out of this relationship and get ME back. We have not talked in 5 days and I feel so free. I miss the fun we have together, but know I have got to move on. I hope I have the strength to keep this feeling and truly move on.

April 25, 2004
9:11 pm
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Worried_Dad
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lightoflove
Based on what those women's partners told them, they were not living in loving relationships. A relationship where one person is in love and has been led to believe that their partner loves them, when in fact their partners do not are in fact abusive relationships.

April 25, 2004
9:21 pm
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uptoolate
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Hi Worried Dad,

...But don't you think that an addictive and codependent relationship IS an abusive one?

I think they go hand in hand. There was never any physical abuse but the mental and emotional torture made the relationship abusive. I abused myself for letting it continue to happen and he abused me whenever he acted in a way that I couldn't handle. He could say the exact same thing about me. Do you understand where I'm coming from?

Codependency is definitely a form of abuse, for everyone involved.

April 25, 2004
9:38 pm
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lightoflove
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The meaning of codependent is we allow it too happen....without knowing we are. We are so dependent on loving we put all else aside. I call it a blinded love. We aim to please but forget about ourselves and what will make ourselves happy.

Hugs

light

April 25, 2004
9:42 pm
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Trish04
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Hi light,
You are so right. I allowed it to happen... asking myself all along "why am I doing this, this is not like me". I saw the signs from the very beginning, but I guess I thought he would see how much I cared about him and he would care about me, too. I did aim to please and I did forget about myself and my friends and family. What a fool I was!!!

April 25, 2004
9:49 pm
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annastar
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Hay- I remember about myself. And I ask for what I need. This is also my choice of who am I asking it from and his choice to give it or not. What you mean by "allow it to happen"? How are you not allowing? Here is dilemma- do I want to end abuse or do I want to be with this person? I don't want it to be abusive- in a fact- I have happy picture of it- it just don't work this way and I would like to find out why.

April 25, 2004
10:16 pm
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lightoflove
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Yes we need to make boundries and ask ourselves that question. I keep saying to myself why do you put up with this and every time I say it is because I love him. That is not is not a reason and until we understand that we will forever be decieving ourselves we will not heal and find the meaning of the true relationship we are looking for. Zinnie Knows ..

Hugs

Light

April 25, 2004
10:17 pm
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lightoflove
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Yes we need to make boundries and ask ourselves that question. I keep saying to myself why do you put up with this and every time I say it is because I love him. That is not is not a reason and until we understand that we will forever be decieving ourselves we will not heal and find the meaning of the true relationship we are looking for. Zinnie Knows ..

Hugs

Light

April 25, 2004
10:26 pm
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lightoflove
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uptoolate

I am very happy about the fact you are writing a book and if anyway you need help please let know.

Hugs

Light

April 25, 2004
10:48 pm
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uptoolate
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I'm sorry, Light. I should have clarified. I am not writing a book, I am reading Codependent No More...but I actually have thought about writing a book and I just may start.

incidently, you made a great point when you said "we aim to please and forget about ourselves." I am slowly learning to stop worrying so much about what he is doing and feeling and worry about taking care of me. It's hard but I am actually doing it. Since I have decided to make this lifestyle change, some of my anxiety and stress has been lifted. I know it's gonna be a long process but I am well on my way. I am the only one who can make it stop.

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