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Facing myself and my pattern (balancesekr)
July 16, 2005
6:56 pm
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balancesekr
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So a friend of mine challenged me today because I am following the same pattern with the new guy I have been seeing. I haven't given myself time to clear my head between breakups and I continue to see this guy. He is really great, caring, concerned, we have so much in common but I know in my head, I won't or can't let it work!

I have been ignoring this as best as I can. We go out to dinner and I fall in love. Next morning I wake up in my apartment and feel it is the same day all over, same feeling of CODEP and not knowing what to do, how to solve my problem.

Part of my pattern is staying with the person yet feeling unsure, then when they ultimately leave, I am devastated.

I am getting ready to face this and deal with it. I am afraid nothing will change and I will lose another man! This one is better than my ex, he has great qualities, but I am still a confused mess!

I just wanted to post. I am thinking of calling my shrink ASAP!

July 16, 2005
9:39 pm
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cpt1212
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Balancesekr-

I don't have any advice, but I do have a little poem or something that may help. It helps me sometimes, it is kinda cornball and everyone here may already be familiar with it:

Autobiography in five short chapters

by Portia Nelson

1.
I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me a long time to find a way out.

2.
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place, but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my own fault.
I get out immediately.

4.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5.
I walk down another street.

I pull this out sometimes when I know I am following an old pattern and try to see where I am and to strive for the next #. Maybe it will help you too.

July 16, 2005
10:44 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey Balance,

Have you ever wondered why you keep repeating the same pattern? Have you ever wondered why do we all crave people, feel devastated if they leave us? Could there be deep-rooted problems, abuse, be it in your childhood or previous marriage/relationship. There is no smoke without fire. The way we bahave today depends a lot upon our past.

Could you please give me more glimpse from your past, so that I can discern why you keep repeating same pattern?

In addition, when one is on the rebound, it is very wise to just stop and mourn. Every failed relationship consits of grief and sorrow period, our heart has been broken, our dream could not come true.

~Love, RAS~

July 17, 2005
2:53 am
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balancesekr
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cpt1212,

Thanks for the reminder of that poem. I have read that before. The poem makes me feel responsible! I am just afraid I can't be fixed. Walking down a different street there will be another hole! I dream of the strength to find the street within me where there isn't one.

Hi Rasputin,

My pattern is very new to me. I was told about patterns in therapy a few years ago, before I had repeated it multiple times. It seems to be this:

I get involved without being on solid ground, not over a previous relationship, not fully content where I live, work, etc... I find it difficult to be close to the guy, ask lots of questions, I am amazed they care, but do they really? I feel insecure around other people, wish I was more confident, certain, etc...

Feel I got involved too soon. Feel scared, feel uncomfortable, withdraw sexually after starting out really strong. My work and other things suffer. I am not sure if I really like the guy. I struggle with entitlement issues. I am entitled to this great guy, wait, he's not that great, there is someone else, I wasn't ready, wait, I am no good and he will find out.

I want to take time away to figure things out but don't want to lose the guy. I stay and struggle. Finally I take time away for a short period and go back. This repeats until it is too late and I am devastated.

Right now, I am holding on to my guy. I feel I do need time, I am scared to let go. I am trying to fix myself, yet struggle with these feelings and feel awful every day! I can't believe what I do to myself. Why doesn't it feel good?

And, when he is gone, why can't I embrace my life and not regret?

That is the pattern my friend. However, I am closer to taking the time, knowing it is what I need and not thinking it was a crime and accepting the loss if it happens. I just can't stand the feeling I am flawed and that someone else could love him and not struggle like I do!

Thanks for reading, all insight is welcome.

July 17, 2005
12:55 pm
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Hi Balance,

Thanks for your reply. You did not give me a glimpse into your childhood and past. What kind of parents, childhood did you have, were your parents nurturers, healthy, emotionally-available....

Since you manifest anxiety and worry over relationships with pattern that keep recurring; I would assume that there were some abuse and abandonment issues in your past/childhood.

Have you tried honey to do soul searching, emotional healing from pain, sorrow, unforgiveness?.... This process, though tedious, is essential to your emotional well-being. It will set you free from all unhealthy behavior patterns.

I will suggest to you 2 books about emotional healing. The 1st one, which I used in my healing process, is entitled "Finding peace for your heart" by Stormie Omartian. I used this book for my emotional healing which I found excellent. I felt so connected with the author coz she had a conflict with her mom which I did as well. It is both spiritual and psychological.

The 2nd book - which I did not read or use - is "Beauty for ashes" by Joyce Meyer. It is a book about negative emotions and how they effect and stem from past wounds in our childhood and how they influence our life no matter how old we get.

Keep us posted, honey, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

~Love, Ras~

July 18, 2005
5:32 pm
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"I dream of the strength to find the street within me where there isn't one (= a hole)." (balancesekr, july 17th, 2005)

it might be worthwhile to just concentrate or focus on the "holes" within you (a hole refers to any part of you that has been lost which causes you to feel a sense of deficiency, like a loss of value, lack of self-esteem or a sense of inferiority) instead of filling them with another person over and over again ...

the hurt of loss being about the feeling of having lost whatever was filling the hole ..... you come to feel whatever hole that person has filled ........

A.H. Almaas (Diamond Heart Series, Book One - Elements of the Real in Man, page 18-19), a spiritual counselor who specializes in doing transformational work with people, originally introduced the "theory of holes" which may be of interest to you so I will quote a passage from his book just to get your thought process going here :

"when you experience this loss and separation directly, you have the possibility of seeing that what was filling you wasn't really you. If you stay with the hurt and the pain of loss without trying to COVER it with something else, it is possible that you will feel the emptiness. You will feel and see the hole. Then, if you allow yourself to feel the deficiency, the emptiness, you may find the essential part of you that will feel the hole from the INSIDE, once and for all. It's not even filling; it is the elimination of the hole and the IDENTIFICATIONS with the deficiency. In that way, you regain part of yourself. You connect with the part of your ESSENCE that you lost and that you thought only somebody else could provide for you" (18).

So one might say it is important to allow ourselves to feel the "holes" instead of getting the outside (world) to fill them for us - the latter reduces feelings of dependency by letting us get in touch with our real value - a real feeling of value or self-esteem (which is absent when you are looking for substitutes like addictions).

I hope this will help in facing yourself and your pattern (thread title) - getting or diving below the surface of feeling confused, insecure and not knowing what you're looking for in both life and relationships.

You're not flawed. Period. Let yourself feel good. Work on that.

July 19, 2005
9:07 pm
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balancesekr
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hi rasputin and [email protected],

My parents were not emotionally available, my mother was very jealous, controlling and neurotic. My father was very quiet.

I like your post true, it gives me hope I can eliminate the holes.

I told the guy I was seeing I need time away, I need to work on somethings. I am so afraid I repeated my pattern again and it is too late, another one bites the dust! But, who knows. I need this time and maybe I will wind up with this guy. I just know I have so many fears with relationships! I can't stand it, this has never been easy.

July 23, 2005
9:44 am
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balancesekr
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I just wanted to post an update. I have stopped "seeing" my new guy for now. I am trying to get better and stop the pattern. I feel scared that I can't be fixed, I am not trying to be negative, I just feel something is wrong with me. I am starting to believe I can heal and get better, I just wonder when it will happen and how to do it.

I am scared that it will totally be over with the new guy. I feel like another one bites the dust or something. I am just a heartbreaker, heartbroken person...

I am doing my best to not feel guilty in pulling away and working on myself. I don't want to feel I am running away from intimacy, I just see how there is still a brick wall in front of me with relationships.

Last night, I went out with a girlfriend and some other people. I felt alienated because they were all shocked at my age and I also ordered vegan, they all ordered meat. I held my own, my friend asked if I was OK, and I when I get asked that, I feel it is confirmed I am alien, different, whatever, a problem.

Regardless, here I am today, I am going to a meeting in a few hours and thinking of how I would like to spend the rest of my day. I am scared that I come off too serious or something to people, and being more like whatever is better. I can only be me, it is just difficult. I feel guys have an easier time being themselves and women have a tougher time. I don't know, this is how I feel right now.

July 23, 2005
4:19 pm
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balancesekr
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Went to a meeting. I cried! I realize how many upset feelings are pent up inside me, just waiting to be healed.

I also felt ashamed I was alone today, such a beautiful day and I am not with anyone... but I fought those feelings... I am alone because I am choosing to be. I could be with friends if I want to. I am upset because I feel so many people have friends at their disposal and can hang out whenever. I guess I feel I don't have very many new friends...

Anyway, I fought the feelings off and realized I need to get comfortable living my own life and being alone sometimes. THe whole CODEP thing I do is, getting involved and neglecting my life. So it starts with me and I feel I am starting for the first time, for real, building my life.

I am definitely scared and I feel really vulnerable. Thanks for reading. I just want to keep posting my stages.

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