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Facing Facts.
August 15, 2009
10:39 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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It is what is is. No one is ever going to want me again. I am destined to live out the rest of my life alone. Get used to it. I spent the day with a friend. All of a sudden her husband came home, being all sweet and buttering her up for sex later. I had to leave. I am alone. I am a born again virgin. I have cobwebs. I am alone. It is what it is. I am alone. I am not desirable. No one wants me. Here I am. Why did I allow this.

Bitsy

August 15, 2009
10:56 pm
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Bitsy
You are not going to be alone the rest of your life. You have to be right with you and love you before you can have someone else in your life. I know it may suck right now. But nothing worth while was easy.

Get to know Bitsy. I know it has been a while, but that is ok. The time will come wen it is suppose to.

August 16, 2009
11:28 am
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Ahhhh, Bitsy:

I know its hard to be alone (believe me, I do!) but when you said "Why did I allow this?" what do you mean?

What would the alternative be to your life right now? Staying w/ men who cheated on you or didn't treat your right? Would that be better? Of course not.

You're a dif person now, after going thru those experiences. Your eyes have been opened and new boundaries set. You're already a new and better Bitsy, and whoever does show up had darned well better be terrific- right?

I know it gets cliche hearing that someday we'll find someone worthy and its hard waiting for them to appear.

I'm in the same boat you are and much older. Just speaking for myself, I have to find a way to be content with how my life is now, and hopefully someone will appear that will add to my life, not detract from it.

Its also hard to be around happy couples, makes us long for what we don't have. But wouldn't you want to wait to find someone who is terrific than just someone to fill a void?

((((Bitsy))))

sd

August 16, 2009
11:53 am
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bitsy...you have been thru sooo much in the past year, and are such a stronger woman now.

Someday you will be with someone, maybe YOU are just not ready, time to spend some time with Bitsy and love yourself...more....heck, I was alone for almost 2 years!!! by choice too!!

sounds like you may be feeling down and out right now, you are so much better being alone than with a jerk!

these feelings will pass, you have so much to offer and believe that!!

when the time is ready, you will find what you are looking for.

(((camer)))

August 16, 2009
12:02 pm
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Sometimes I think yes I would just like someone to fill a void and then I decide against it. I guess I am still wading through the junk. How long do you have to be alone? What all do you have to do to love yourself? Everything costs money or revolves around food or drinks or whatever? Yesterday I spent about $80. It panicked me. I treated myself to some new towels for my bathroom and a butter dish at TJ Maxx - $26. Then I went to World Market and bought some nice olive oil to cook with and the lady in the wine area was talking about different wines and they were having a sale so I ended up with four nice bottels of wine as well...$56. I have money in my checking account and I have money in the bank but I am going to have to take some out of savings this month. I really hadn't done anything to "treat" myself in a long time.

I am doing an online Bible study about my eating habits. What I have realized is that to me food equals love. Also, my ex-husband seems to be Mr. Social Butterfly these days going here and there and I can't. I also was at a fundraiser when someone asked me if G was my husband. I explained he was my ex husband. Turns out they grew up together. I was married to the man for 14 years and except for a SMALL group of his friends we did not socialize. Now that I am out of the picture he is socializing again. Makes me think something was wrong with me and that I was an embarrassment. Life just keeps on moving by me. I really only have 3 close friends and they are all married.

I did look good at the fundraiser and my boss sent me an email that I had "looked ravishing".

I really don't know what is wrong with me. I try to be happy. I really do. Then somewhere along the line I get sidetracked. My biggest fear is that that the longer I am alone the more bitter I am going to become and the less chance I will ever have of having someone in my life. I want to FEEL and right now I am just numb. I cried all the way home last night. I posted this thread and crawled in the bed and cried myself to sleep.

I don't know what else to do. I noticed on my way in to do an open house today that there is a restaurant that has dinner and dancing. I would love to go but can't by myself. There really is so little to do by yourself. And before you ask why I can't go by myself....yes, I could go buy my own dinner and be there, but who would I dance with. It is a datey kind of place ...people would be there with spouses or dates. I would once again be the odd man out. I have been alone now for 16 months. I am tired of pretending that this is how I want to be and that I am happy. And don't give me any codependency issues crap either. It isn't all codependency and it isn't wrong to admit you are lonely and want another human being to do something nice for you.

Bitsy

August 16, 2009
12:59 pm
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(((Bitsy))) I am sorry you are feeling this way....believe me, I know how you feel, as I've been there before.

I was married 17 years to my high school sweetheart. The only person I ever loved. We divorced in 2005, and it was a full 2 and a half years before I was ready and whole enough to begin a relationship. God knows I tried before that, but I wasn't able to. And now that I've been dating the same guy for almost 2 years, I realize that I'm not completely whole again. Since this relationship started, I've started individual counseling and CoDa groups. Funny, because I thought I was all better.

Single is difficult, especially when so many people around you are "couples". The couples I knew cut me out of their lives. Luckily, I have many friends who are single, and they were happy to include me in their outings. I reconnected with people from elementary school and high school after my divorce, many of them single, and we do things together. I also got involved with a volunteer organization, so that I would meet people. My church, which is where I spent so much of my married life, wasn't welcoming after the divorce...so I've experimented with new churches, and periods of time with none at all.

Bottom line, I think I'm still not happy with who "I" am. Still working on that, even though it has been 4.5 years. I'm 46, but I still don't know what I want and who I am.

In the big picture, 16 months isn't really that long. I know it seems like an eternity while you are in it, but it isn't that long. Take this time to work on yourself, to love who you are. I think it's important to be comfortable with who you are before you can allow another person into your life.

You are valuable...make sure you are giving yourself those positive affirmations every day.

Take care of Bitsy...you are worth it!

August 16, 2009
1:02 pm
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Bitsy:

Why can't you be the social butterfly too?

The more exposure you get, the better the chances are you'll meet someone.

You obviously look good if people are commenting on it. Instead of getting down on yourself, realize that other people notice you and have positive things to say about you. Try not to compare yourself to the ex and what he's doing.

And maybe more fundraisers, charities, volunteer work, etc would fill up a social calendar so that you won't feel so lonely. Group settings. And who knows, maybe you'll cross paths with someone w/ mutual interests.

Even going on dates w/ someone you're not particulary interested in would get you out of the house. ( I do that occasionally but that brings its own problems too.)

sd

August 16, 2009
1:27 pm
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Thanks for the advice and encouragement. If you were to meet me you would think I was an extrovert. I will talk to just about anyone. Inside though, I am painfully shy. Reality is that I get paid by the hour. I don't work I don't get paid. When my daughter is somewhere else I need to be working, when she is home I can't volunteer or go do things for me. She is only with her dad 4 nights a month. Reality is that I am also choosing to stay home and read a book. I hate that about myself. Reality is that I may be suffering a little bit of an inferiority complex that goes all the way back to my mother. Her her view I was never good enough. I had to be friends with who she wanted me to be friends with, dress the way she wanted etc...then when the alcoholism really took over I spent the next 20 years of my life hoping no one would connect Bitsy Smith to Bitsy Jones. I wanted to forget who I was and where I came from. In the area I live it is so much about where you went to school and who "your people" were. Most people who know me don't know that I attended one school kindergarten through 11th grade. They only know that I graduated from "Blank High School". I have spent a lifetime hiding who I was. School was pure Hell. When I was married I was G's wife and everyone loved G. Everyone still loves G and I am out here alone still trying to figure out who Bitsy is. I also think this Bible study I am doing on line is opening a lot of wounds that I am having to deal with. I just am ready for there to be more to life than what there is, but I still plodding my way through it. Everything I try to do reminds me that I am alone. Even when I was married I had to do things alone. I guess growth is painful. The only time I felt like I had anyone interested in doing anything with me was when I was with R and he turned out to be a liar and a cheater. I guess loneliness beats that, but right now I am not sure by how much. Eventually I will be over my "pitty party" until then I don't know.

Bitsy

August 16, 2009
2:43 pm
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Bitsy: Is there a Parents Without Partners group near you? I've always heard thats a good place to meet people and they have activities that you can take your kids to. Maybe you would make friends with some other single mothers?

August 16, 2009
2:52 pm
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Thanks. did a google search and there are none in my state!

Bitsy

August 17, 2009
12:24 pm
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OK, I am going to be your pity party crasher!! Instead of saying “Why did I allow this?” it should be “why do I continue to allow this?”

All men are not evil, last I heard there are about 183 million men in the United States, and so far you have had the misfortune of (2) of them.

It’s been 16 months; you don’t have to wade through the junk alone. If we keep waiting for x or y to happen we’d be waiting for ever, postponing life alone the way while we find ourselves.

Haven’t you found enough of you this far that making past mistakes is not something you will repeat? Haven’t you come far enough to deserve dinner and dancing and company of another human being? You certainly have, so the next part of this journey is fear and getting past it just enough to put yourself out there, be receptive and motivated to share your company with another human being before bitterness takes hold of everything.

I never looked at codependency as such a selfish disorder until I realized that my thinking always involved me! What others did or say some how was about me or brought on by me. Do you really think that the lack of socializing when married was because of you? Why can’t it have been that your ex-husband wasn’t comfortable or equipped at that kind of socialization back then?

Having only married friends may feed your bitterness, feeling jealous like when you mentioned having to leave your friends house because her husband was being sweet and you assumed it was only because he wanted sex. Is your friend’s husband normally mean and nasty?

The time is now for Bitsy to please Bitsy. Bitsy can be friends with whomever she choices, Bitsy can dress however she choices and Bitsy doesn’t have to continue to feel less then because SHE IS NOT. It’s time to stop hiding, unsure of who you are, you know exactly who you are but are afraid people/your mother won’t approve of who that person really is.

Put your dancing shoes on and ask one of your married girl friends to join you for a dinner to check out this place. I’m sure you will see that many people do go there alone and it may be a place to meet other people not just men but other single woman. I discovered a whole other part of life with my single friends that I was unable to see with my married ones………………

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 18, 2009
12:01 am
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Bitsy, I too am single and have been for about 2 years. I have had 2 boyfriends. One was very young, he was 29 and I am 40. Although, we had fun times together I knew from the beginning it would only be a temporary thing. He wanted kids and I was past that point in my life. My 2nd boyfriend was "R" who is a raging alcoholic and that has not been anything that will be long-term either. In this process, I am discovering that I enjoy myself and I enjoy being able to do whatever I want, when I want. If I feel like going for a drink with friends I can just jump in the car and meet them. I don't have to ask anyone. The freedom you have being single is great. Take this opportunity to do some things that single people do. Some ideas...join a hiking club, join a book-reading club, take a dancing (Salsa or country) class, take a college course but something fun like cooking or drawing or something you enjoy, get involved with a church, join a on-line dating service (this one may be hard at first, but meeting someone for coffee or dinner isn't the end of the world), my advice is get out there, meet new friends and enjoy your singleness. Once you meet that special guy and get yourself in a serious relationship you will look back and remember all the fun times you had being single.
HUGS

August 18, 2009
6:26 pm
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Thanks for the support. I have been focused on my child and me. I don't want to feel like I am "using" someone when I have absolutely zero interest in them. I am involved in BNI and Womens Council of Realtors. I am going to be taking a parenting bible study class starting tomorrow. I have aked several people about forming a book club. I am trying

Bitsy

August 18, 2009
7:03 pm
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Bitsy,
There is really nothing at all wrong with you. You are just lonely.

You are really doing very well with your life and the right person is on his way. Just be open to it, try to stay positive. Pray for someone, make your heart open to the possibility.

August 18, 2009
7:27 pm
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(((((Bitsy)))))

August 19, 2009
12:21 pm
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Thanks all for understanding. I generally try to be positive but whwn I stumble I really fall flat. I just don't feel anchored. Tonight Cat and I are going to dinner and bible study at a local church. Wish me luck.

Bitsy

August 22, 2009
9:30 am
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Why is it that when you read something like the Five Love Languages it is all about being in some sort of relationship with someone else. I tried looking at Five Love Languages for Singles and it was all about relationships. I looked at the "quiz" on line. My first Love Language is Quality Time. OK. I see that. I want quality time with the person I love. What about quality time with me. How do I give myself Quality time. My second is Touch. Ok how do I give touch to myself? None of this has a practical application if you truly are single and don't have anyone in your life.

Anyone have any suggestions?

Bitsy

August 22, 2009
11:07 am
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well, to me Quality Time with myself is a bubble bath, or a good book, a good movie, journaling, taking a walk, listening to my favorite music...just doing what I want to do. Spending time with my kids, my friends....

Touch would be harder. I know when I wasn't in a relationship and was alone, I just needed human contact. I hugged my kids a lot, that's for sure. Almost bought a pet, and I'm not an animal lover. Just needed some contact.

Love yourself, you are definitely worth it. When you do, the right person will come along. You have to believe that...may sound lame and corny, but I believe it's true.

(((bitsy)))

August 22, 2009
11:22 am
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Dear Bitsy,

"Language" serves the purpose of enabling two separate, living beings to effectively communicate. Ergo, THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES was written for the express intent of helping living beings effectively communicate their love to one another from five, different angles. This book has nothing to do with achieving healthy, SELF-love.

So many of us recovering "codies" have been programmed to truly believe we are incomplete without a partner. I certainly grew up firmly ingrained with that falsehood. Although it was not taught to me USING WORDS, the family dynamics of my upbringing pounded home the message: without a MAN in the center of my life, I was lost, empty and worthless.

Today, nearly six years after being widowed, having survived two panic-driven attempts at remarriage and a third, failed engagement, I am finally alone. FINALLY. And -- to my amazement -- it is not as dreadful a condition as I feared it would be.

Sometimes, we struggle with loneliness. Everyone does...even MARRIED COUPLES. But getting out of our shells and getting involved in the needs of others is a splendid antidote to that loneliness. In my case I finally have time for the spiritual pursuits which feed my soul. I also have one heck of alot less housework, laundry and cooking, etc. to deal with [smile]. I am learning how to enjoy the single state.

Do I question my own attractiveness or sexual desirability at times? Sure. Does that make me feel bad at times? Sure. But do I get past those moments? YES. And I am learning how to talk to myself and help myself through those moments of self-doubt. I remind myself that I am aging...but aging attractively. There is nothing repulsive, scarred or hideous about my appearance. For that, I am grateful. I still have good health. For that, I am grateful. I am still reasonably slender. For that, I am grateful. My sons truly love and appreciate me. For that, I am grateful.

Try focusing on the POSITIVES and blessings you have in your life whenever the possible negatives attack your mind. We can choose to walk in peace and contentment...or not. Choose contentment. It brings great gain. And contentment is not the same as "settling" for less than we want or need. It is a heart and mindset of gratitude, peace and enjoyment of where we are in life TODAY.

- Ma Strong

August 22, 2009
12:13 pm
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Thanks Ma...the "languages" thing makes sense. I am just trying to find the ways to do all the things that have been suggested. I have all the alone time I can stand. A great book I read a whie back was Single by Judy Ford. I posted a lot of it here under Yikes I am Single!

Bitsy

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