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extremely confused
October 15, 2003
7:26 pm
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shrippe_jess
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I have been split up with my 4 year old daughters father for over a year now and would like to know if the hurt ever goes away. I have met a few nice guys within the year but I don't really give them a chance. I don't know if it is a fear of getting hurt or if I am still in love with him. I have been dating my new boyfriend for 3 months and I still can't seem to let go of the past and allow him to REALLY come into my life. To be honest, I know that my ex is not good for me or my daughter (he was an alcoholic and was never there for her or myself). Maybe someone out there can give me a good word or two on how to grab control of my situation. Thanks for reading and I look forward to any suggestions! Thanks!

October 15, 2003
7:38 pm
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gingerleigh
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How much contact do you continue to have with the father? The more contact you have, the harder it is to heal. It's like ripping the scab off a wound every time and expecting it to heal without a scar.

October 15, 2003
7:40 pm
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mj
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Hi,
Yes the pain does subside and eventually becomes a memory of the past.

I firmly believe that until you settle your childhood wounds, they will continue haunting your present. I always picked unhealthy relationships because I never learned to love myself. I am still learning this lesson, one day at a time.

To me, loving oneself is the ultimate journey.

As I have done, writing helps. I use to journal my feelings down alot.
This site helps to know that others are suffering lifes challenges, and we are not alone.

You are so smart to realize that you need to take care of yourself and child. Welcome here.

Have you ever attended an Al-anon meeting? I get support there as well especially for the alcohol related issues. Good Luck on your journey.

October 15, 2003
7:42 pm
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shrippe_jess
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gingerleigh,
To be honest, we do still talk alot. I just can't seem to stop myself from talking to him. I do understand what you are saying, it does make alot of sense. But how do I stop myself from the contact? He has hurt me so much and yet I continue to feel bad for him and I feel like when I am mad at him, I let it out on people that don't deserve it. When I should be letting it out on him and I don't know why I can't. Help?

October 15, 2003
8:18 pm
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shrippe_jess
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Mj,
Thanks for you advice.I appreciate your quick response. You are absolutely correct about loving oneself. I truly do need to learn how to do that. That is where I need to start off. No, I have never attended any meetings. How do you go about those?

October 15, 2003
10:41 pm
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mj
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Look in your local phone book for AA or Al-Anon...they also have resources on the internet. Just pick up the phone and call....people are extremely supportive and understanding. Just like here. 🙂

October 16, 2003
1:15 pm
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shrippe_jess
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mj,
Thanks, I will look that up. Thanks for you help and advise.

lisset,
so yours keeps calling you to? my ex swears that he has changed and that he can be everything that I want him to be, but you are right...I just need to move on and be strong, for me and my daughter. The thing about it is...is i know that he doesn't have anyone else and that he wants me back, i guess it just makes me think more, I don't know. What do you think?

October 16, 2003
3:10 pm
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gingerleigh
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"...he doesn't have anyone else..." so does that mean that you have to be there for him? Don't you deserve something better?

October 16, 2003
5:20 pm
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shrippe_jess
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gingerleigh,
To be honest, I think it is time that I do deserve something or someone better. I am tired of having to do for him all the time...I still find myself doing things for him. Why? I don't know. I guess I feel bad, he blames me for him being an alcoholic and for him wanting to commit suicide! He is the one that left me and he wants me back because he can't treat other people like he did me or no one else will take care of him. Do you think it is just because I feel sorry for him? Or maybe since I had a child with him?

October 16, 2003
5:22 pm
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shrippe_jess
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lisset,
I know what you mean about that. God, has a plan for us all. I know that it will only make us stronger...yet I can't seem to get out of the whole myself. Good Luck to you.
Are you still having contact with him now?

October 16, 2003
7:34 pm
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shrippe_jess
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lisset,
not to be too nosy but, who split up with who? is he good to you? how long were you two dating and how long have you been split up?

October 17, 2003
12:45 pm
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gingerleigh
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He sure is full of blame, placing it anywhere except where it belongs, on himself. No one can MAKE you an alcoholic, except for you. (And as an alcohol abuser I feel like I'm perfectly qualified to say that ultimately the alcoholic does indeed have control over what beverage passes his lips, at least that first one.) He is choosing to cope with his problems in this fashion, his choice, not yours. His fault, not yours. His thing, not yours.

Some thoughts... whenever you are planning to get something major accomplished, whether it's building a house or building your life, you need to usually do a number of things to get there. But also the order in which you do them is as important... you wouldn't build a house by putting on a roof and then digging the basement, would you?

Right now, it seems like you're trying to make a change in your life. Two of the tasks you've got on your plate are understanding why you act in certain ways and in choosing different behaviors. You could do those in either order, but to stop the pain from happening, make the new choices first. You can worry about the why's and background that got you there when you are away from the situation, right?

So to be more clear (since I can ramble and make no sense sometimes) is that at the moment, it doesn't really matter why you want to help him over and over. You know it's unhealthy. So you don't really need to understand at this point why you want to help him. Just stop helping him. Once you've stopped, then you can pull the rest out into the light and examine it on your own, or with someone you trust (like a friend or counselor or family member or a site like this one).

What does your personal support circle look like right now? Friends or family?

October 18, 2003
4:59 pm
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shrippe_jess
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gingerleigh,
Thanks so much for your advice. It really makes me feel better on what you said about the alcohol. If it is not too much to ask...how did you get involved in the alcohol and how did you end it? I am grateful that you have had faith enough in yourself to quit....that is wonderful. Was it hard for you? Sorry if I am being nosy but it really would interest me. I do understand what you are saying and I like being in this discussion...It really makes me feel better. I have a really good friend that I talk to and it helps sometimes and I don't talk to my family about it cause they would probably disown me if they knew that I wanted to get back with him!

lisset,
don't feel bad...i have no room to say anything to you about that....been there done that! Only you know when you are truly unhappy and then you can make the change for you.

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