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extreme self loathing
June 20, 2006
12:10 am
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why do i hate myself so much?

June 20, 2006
1:19 am
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he2art
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who knows? do you want to stop hating yourself?

June 20, 2006
1:33 am
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jewel
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maybe because no one else does. It is a feeling that you can control and maybe you are just feeling negative.

June 20, 2006
1:54 am
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Thank you both for minimizing my difficulties with a deep issue. If I were here simply to complain about a boyfriend then would I get much more understanding advice?

No one enjoys "feeling negative." It is difficult for me to buy that angle, that people enjoy being miserable. That it is a choice. I have been struggling with depression my whole life. But I don't know why I shouldn't like myself. I do everything I can to make myself a healthier and happier person.

You know, I thought maybe some people would have similar issues, and by the problems I often see posted here- I know many do. Please, I'd like to hear from some people with some life experience, and a little sensitivity.

June 20, 2006
2:12 am
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daff
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I have hated myself for years, probably all my life. For me it comes from not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough etc..
Also blaming myself for being raped - and all the messages that go along with that. Sometimes it's easier to hate yourself than to hate mum or dad or to accept that you were a powerless child.
Its a huge problem and shouldn't be made light of. I have punished myself for years, but finally I am starting to see some light. It can be healed.

June 20, 2006
2:41 am
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jewel
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Daff,

Wow, it is like you took my thoughts right out of me that I never was able to explain. As far as things happening in my life, even though deep down I knew it wasn't my fault, I would blame myself and hate myself for it. I would discipline myself and hurt myself in ways that I knew were not healthy. I used to drink every day and could care less if it could cause health problems. I deserved it. Now, I am at the point in my life that I don't approve of all of my choices that I have made, but they make me stronger and who I am today. I know that I am a good person and I like who I am. After years of hating myself, this is a relief. Hating just takes too much energy from me. Daff, thanks for letting me see myself the way I used to. I never really could put words to my emotions.

Ella,

How have you been? Anything new in your life?

Jewel

June 20, 2006
2:49 am
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sewunique
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he2art

That was rather insentive and pretty thoughtless of your comment. Perhaps if you are not able to provide more compassionate posting, it would bwe best to leave it unsaid.

Jewel

I am not sure what you meant. Your idea did not come out very clearly and I know you are more kind than how it reads. Maybe the late nite is what it is?

Sew

June 20, 2006
3:03 am
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sewunique
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Hi Ella

I can understand how you might feel. I have been in a funk that seems to be getting lower and lower as the days pass.

I haven't seen much of you lately. When one feels low, comments that nt on the mark can really cut deeper than we feel, especially if t= one does not understand the problem of chronic depression.

I have been asking the same question as you of late. what causes the depression? Why do I fee so bad about myself?

Regardless of pink pills, therapy, reading on the topic, identifying and resolving the cause and effect of issues and how it effects us and taking care of ourselves in a helathy manner; the problem is there. I hate it.

No matter, it seems how ever you fix it, the problem is there and I wish there was some magic to take it away forever after dealing with all the above solutions.

There are peop;e who are out there who really do not have depression, higher self esteem and only get depressed for short periods called "situational" like with a death or lossing a job. Well, I would love to be like them! I hate this.

I have been reading how trauma alters the brain; how can we re alter it back? How can we change the brain effects from PTSD?

We do not know enough yet. Untill that time, I guess I will read and deal with it untill the time I feel better again and deal with the next time. Even the better times, the depression lurks. I hate it.

I hope you are getting thru this and hang in there. There is a lot of living to do. I just wait it out, struggle with it and look forward to a better day.

keep doing what you are doing for the positives. I know when I am not up to my best in helathy ways, it drags me down sooner or later. I wish it were not later, but never.

(((((((((Ella))))))))))

Sew

June 20, 2006
3:17 am
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jewel
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Gosh, I went back and read what I wrote and it doesn't make much sense. It must be my new meds making me feel weird. Sorry if it came across as mean.

Jewel

June 20, 2006
4:10 am
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mamacinnamon
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I don't think he2art's posting was insensitive. I think he/she was simply trying to open the floor for ella to talk about her feelings and why she feels like she does.

Ella: I'm sorry you feel folks are insensitive to you. I truly didn't see that above. I saw caring folks and wanted to post to help you. Just because they have not felt how you do now does not mean they don't have any advice. Sometimes folks on the other end of the stick have some good advice.

Myself... I have been to the point of killing myself, but I didn't hate myself. I just didn't know how to get away from the evil x other than that to die coz had I tried to leave he'd have killed me anyway.

I do know tho from growing up w/ a mom that had severe depression that it is truly sad for someone to feel they hate themselves. I don't think I have the answersn you are looking for, but I wanted to tell you that you are loved by many of us here and that you are very important in our lives and in the lives you touch whether you see it or not.

Keep posting Ella and have a mind open enough to accept folks' help and words. Take what you need and leave the rest as they say.

((((Ella))))

June 20, 2006
8:04 am
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Rasputin
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(((Ella)))

Great to see you again! I believe you are a wonderful person. I don't know about your background, but if you come from dysfunctional abusive family, chances are you will grow up with poor self-image which will in turn foster self-loathing.

Remember when you start to heal, you will gradually begin to fall in love with your self. And since it's a slow process, some of us might not feel that transition.

I can tell you something from my own experience. Everywhere I go, there are a few minority who do not like me; and the rest majority, we just get along in a super way!

Before, when I had poor self-image, I would worry so much when people do not like me simply coz I lacked self-confidence. Nowadays, since I've become advanced in my healing process, I started to like and love myself and these negative minority people do not bother me any more. In fact, I even make it a point to keep my distance from them and keep it strictly business. Period.

I believe Ella, you're going thru the same process which will make many people resent you.

Try to mix as much as possible with people who love you, respect you and affirm you, and keep your distance from those who resent you and just want to suck your energy out of you and never show any gtatitude to you. That's what I do anyway!

Know honey that you're loved and loveable person here. Your dog too, I am pretty sure that he/she loves you. When people love us, their love will brush off on us and we can't help but love ourselves in return.

Have a wonderful day, sweetie!~Ras~

June 20, 2006
6:42 pm
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119
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I want to feel normal, I have to ask a serious question and i think this is just the time. I feel very deppresed for years now maybe situatuional but the situation is my life. any way the question: when hating youself do you always feel that way. B/c i fight my self at times i really hate who i am and hate myself for hating myself but then at times i doreally love who i am. To be real honest this back and forth scares me. Its real mild and it feels just like fighting my thoughts. But ever since i was little (im still pretty young) i knew my grand ma was scitsofrantic and i was alwys scared of being crazy. So i freak my self out sometimes while fighting myself that i have split personality or something. i dont think this is the case but i really freak my self out. So do you go back and forth. Because i do love myself in many ways but when Bam anxiety and deppression hit (often) i really hate who i am. I have never shared this with anyone and im shaking more than i have i long time typing it.
Please repy

June 20, 2006
6:46 pm
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119
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I feel like i realesed my hiden secret.

June 20, 2006
6:56 pm
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119
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My deepest fear

June 20, 2006
7:10 pm
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119
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ok well i calked myself. i know realiticly i dont have the split p but it has always been i the back of my mind since i was little that somone in are family was sycotic, deeply. So unfortintley i grew up scared of my own thoughts never really fighting them to much. Now i know are thought are not always how we feel. Its not all the time i freak myself out on this level but now and again.

I just wanted to ask if it was normal to go back and forth. Or if it is usally one or the other. I dont know?

June 20, 2006
7:11 pm
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i meant to type calmed my self ,breathed a lil

June 20, 2006
7:32 pm
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mamacinnamon
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119 Breath honey.

I'm gonna look up something and I'll be right back.

🙂

June 20, 2006
7:52 pm
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mamacinnamon
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119

Some folks have cyclic disorders. My hubby has a cyclic problem w/ depression and anger. They have even noticed this at his work.

I got the symptoms to the disorders you are curious about. Thought that might help a bit.

A person with schizoid personality disorder does not desire nor enjoy close relationships, even with family members. He/She avoids social activities that involve significant interpersonal contact. He/She appears aloof and detached .

Psychosis is a severe mental condition characterized by a loss of contact with reality. Symptoms are: loss of touch with reality seeing, hearing, feeling, or otherwise perceiving things that are not there (hallucinations). They are disorganized. Their thought and/or speech emotion is exhibited in an abnormal manner. They get extreme excitement (mania) confusion, dression and sometimes suicidal thoughts. They have unfounded fear/suspicion, they mistaken perceptions (illusions) and false beliefs (delusions).

I spoze if you feel you have one of these the best thing would be to see a doctor.

June 20, 2006
8:01 pm
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bonni
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i go back and forth. my parents have often made me feel like a showoff and knowitall, i've often felt ashamed of my talents. like i want to crawl into the woodwork and hide. i hate myself for so many things, and sometimes viciously. then sometimes i feel like a huge narcissist and then someone (like my parents) will make me feel guilty for believing that i can be at the center of my universe and like who i am. and even with the self-hate, i'm still at the center. so, the cycle spins on itself.

i don't know why. Ella, you're not alone. it makes no logical sense, because arent we all God's creatures? didn't she make us each unique and to a purpose and aren't we each precious to her? how can we hate what God loves? and we do. we are ashamed of our sin and imperfection. it pains us to live in the world sometimes. is it perfectionism? why do we think we have to be perfect? because our parents taught us that if we behaved well enough, were perfect enough, we could win their love, but we are never going to be perfect and we couldn't be loved imperfectly, we need God's perfect love, but i don't know how to be good enough to get it, but we need it because we're imperfect, more cycles.

sorry to ramble. best i could do on this painful topic. you aren't alone.
bonni

June 20, 2006
8:13 pm
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thank you mama!!

i just got done reading Healing Anxiety and Depression by Dr.Amen

(it was a good read and broke up anxiety and depression by areas of the brain and where it is affected)

i realized that i do have cyclic at times right before my period, but thats it. not all the time,

Normally i have overfoucused A&D and also increased activity in my Temporal lobe.

The book also shares all the medicine out their and its effects.

I read this before i went to my 2nd doctors apt. and shared it with him i asked for a certain med, but he wants to wait and see in increasing my Zoloft helps.

It says for the Cyclic and Temporal lobe that anti-convosants work the best. is your H on any med.?

I was really wondering do people go back and for hateing and loving their selves. B/c sometimes when i do it just freaks me out like an argument in my head. Like im arguing my self is this normal, for someone who has little control of thoughts.

I will get my brain functioning proberly. at its full capability.

Thank you mama for caring

June 20, 2006
8:16 pm
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thank you bonni too

June 20, 2006
8:46 pm
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119

I like Dr. Amen. I have his book Change your Brain Change your Life. It is a bit hard to read if you don't have some medical background, but it can be done. It is a real eyeopening book. Talks about the different sections of your brain and what they control and if you are having problems in that area ways to fix w/o meds.

Hang in there.

June 20, 2006
9:00 pm
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I saw that one in the back of the book glad to know it was a good read.

I think i will invest in that book too.

I thought for years I could change my self w/o the meds. And if i would have put more into it i may have been able to.

I feel like i let it go to long became to Physical but i would like to use the meds. as a tool a steping stone not a way of life.

One quote from the book said "its not about being off med it about functioning properly" it was reassuring.

i like you mama, lots of love 119

June 20, 2006
11:23 pm
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Thank you all for giving me food for thought, and for sharing your experiences. Like 119, this feeling is ever present with me- it just hurts more sometimes than others. It puzzles me also. There are things I like about myself, maybe a lot of this is also because I am lonely and thinking that there must be horrible things wrong with me in order to explain my circumstance. When in reality, many quite decent people are alone.

It's just sort of like looking for a place to put your free floating pain, when you can't pin down a specific source. Does that make any sense? I have a very loud internal critic. Trying to blame all the different parts of me for how I feel. When I might feel that way for reasons that are not my fault (chemical depression, normal recovery stuff, loneliness). I don't know, I'm trying to go easy on myself here.

I'm sorry I reacted the way I did at first when people were only trying to help. When I am very very sad like this, it is like I have no skin. You are all sweeties.

Thanks for all the hugs... I wish I had the energy to reply to each person tonight... maybe tomorrow... I'm exhausted.

luv,
ella

June 20, 2006
11:47 pm
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mzrella,

Hi! I've been wondering how you're doing. I haven't seen you here for a while, and didn't know if I was just visiting different threads than you.

I feel I can relate, Ella. I've had terrible problems with feeling that something is desperately wrong with me, something abnormally wrong. I've thought of committing suicide many times over the years. But the more I've been on AAC, the more I'm seeing that everybody more or less feels the same way about themselves. I'm quite normal in this respect, IMO. Maybe the longer you're here, the more you'll see this for yourself, too.

In the meantime, will you take my word, along with everybody else here, that you're a caring and a good person?

Are you on meds for your depression? I've been on Celexa the last several months, and it's made a big difference in keeping me from the depths of depression. Have you considered meds, if you're not on them now?

Take good care and be good to yourself. Never be satisfied with anything less than the best you have to offer, (((Ella))). And I hope you get very restful sleep tonight.

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