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Explain this to me please?
March 13, 2006
8:51 pm
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blyxx
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I'm gonna change the names in here, but it's otherwise exactly the same.

These are text messages between myself and my dear friend.

===

Me: Hey Kay. What's going on?

Kay: A whole lotta nothing! Wat about u?

Me:Nothing here. You never called me back.

Kay: I know I'm sorry! I fell back asleep until I went to work.

Me: It happens just a little bit more often when it's you but what can ya do? Can you try to get my jacket?

Kay: What are you talking about? Ya I'll get it! I'm sorry!

Me: You falling asleep or not calling back. It's just a bit more common with you. Hehe.

Kay: Well that is pretty harsh. You know the phone works both ways.

Me: Yeah, but you are the one who says you'll call back. It's fine when you don't tho because you usually have a reason and it's very understandable.

Kay: Kyle please dont be mean. I'm already sick, tired and pissed off.

Me: Then goodnight Kay, feel better.

===

I didn't think I was being mean, but it made me feel like shit since then. I haven't talked to her since and I know I'm not going to hear back from her anytime soon.

Any ideas? Suggestions? Comments? Was I mean?

March 13, 2006
9:11 pm
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free2choose
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I think that the way you voiced your hurt feelings(?), irritation(?), dissapointment(?) at her for not calling back was a bit sideways and kinda confusing. It sort of sounded like an attack almost, but even that is onfusing because you said "hehe" or "it's ok" like it didn't matter when obviously it did or you wouldn't have brought it up in the first place.

It is better to be clear and upfront about you issues rather than sideways comments that you disregard yourself as you make them. That is confusing and puts peope on the defence.

Try, "Hey Kay, I would really appreciat it if you call when you say you are gonna call, otherwise, I feel (Blank). Thank you."

Just my opinion. It's OK, dude, that is what this is about, you know, relearning to have healthy relationships and friendships. Learning how to talk and be assertive!

Just apologize and I'm sure it will be all good.

Erica

March 13, 2006
9:25 pm
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blyxx
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See, if I say that it would be a total attack on her, and she would get extremely angry with me.

She just makes me so mad sometimes, and I think I am the only person who confronts her about not calling when she says she will. A lot of our mutal friends say the same thing to me, "Yeah, Kay never calls when she says she will." Now I'm thinking they never confront her on it because of how she reacted to me telling her. I am supposed to be one of her best and closest friends.

I just don't see her making any effort to stay in touch with me, she'll send other people messages, call them for no reason, hang out with them just cuz. I don't see that with her. She talks to me when she needs something or is afraid (needs comfort) and like the fool I am, I provide her with it and expect nothing in return, but then when I start my over-analytical mind going, I begin to wonder what it is I did that was so wrong. I don't know.

I just can't be totally upfront with her because I know how she'll react, she does this ALL THE TIME. "I'll call you back Blyxx in five minutes when I'm inside." Never hear from her, after the hundredth time, I started to think that she wont call me back when she says that.

I suppose I'll suck it up and apologize, even though I feel I didn't do anything wrong by telling her how I felt about her never calling me back. Still I guess I attacked her, and that is what I should apologize for.

March 13, 2006
9:59 pm
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blyxx
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here was my last text i sent to her, i dont expect to hear back..

===
Me: i'm sorry if i attacked you kay. that wasn't my intent. i only wanted to tell you how i felt.
===

so.. i guess i'll find out, but still.. maybe i'm just not good enough for these people to want me in their life. wouldn't be a surprise.

March 13, 2006
10:54 pm
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free2choose
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HEY!!!

Wait,now. The fact that a "friend" does not call you when they say they will does not mean that YOU are not good enough, what it means is that they have a problem holding to thier word, respecting others, and heeping thier agreements.

All I said is that the way you said it was a bit passive-aggressive and confusing. I understand that it is easy to be that way when confronting people who do not deal with confrontation well, or who are intimidating. But it is with those people especially that we need to be clear and upfront with, because otherwise it is enabling thier behavior and allowing ourselves to be mistreated. That causes anger at the person, and anger at ourselves!!!

Just because you percieve people to not like you as much as others, or because others can not be a proper friend, it DOES NOT MAKE YOU less of a person, UNWORTHY, or undeserving!!! You deserve friends that will stand by thier word.

However, some people just have quirks. One of hers may be that she is just not good at keeping up comuinication. It's not just you, it's with the other friends to. With everyone in our life, we all have our quirks and characteristics. We as people must make choices to either accept that in others for the sake of keeping them in our lives, or to not accept it and choose to not be around that person.

You have a choice in the matter too!!!

Respectfully,
Free2Choose

March 14, 2006
12:46 am
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blyxx
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I just think that I'm falling out of touch with this one person that I thought I'd never lose.

She just started a modelling career (good for her).. I was the only one who wasn't thrilled by the idea, she's only just turning 18 and already much of her life is revolving around it, like I thought it would and I'm afraid she'll never do anything she wants to do because she'll be stuck. modelling is a really new thing, she's never even mentioned it until a few months ago, yet the entire time i've known her, she always had other aspirations, what happened to those?

I was also the one who told her I didn't want her and her boyfriend to get back together. He treats her like crap and I can't think of a single day that they don't fight and yell, I think she can do better, but I feel she's getting into a bad relationship.

i haven't heard back from her.

i decided to start down my list of friends that i dont talk to and try to command these assertive abilities i have recently discovered.

so far.. friends re-gained: 1.

March 14, 2006
3:40 am
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crazycathy
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From your last comment it sounds to me like you really love this girl. And she probably is either feeling one of three things from your reactions to the choices she's making in her life.

1. She feels you are trying to hold her back from her dream.

2. She knows you are making good points about not giving up her aspirations and cares too much about you to disappoint you.

3. She thinks that you want more than friendship from her and she is scared of what that means.

In any of these instances it appears she is chosing to cut you out of her life as much as she can because she can't deal with that pressure.

My advice is to ask her to get together with you and have some coffee and catch up. When you're with her, tell her how you are really feeling but let her know that the most important thing to you is that she will always be your friend. Let her know that you support the things she is doing even if you were hesitant at first. Communication is the key to almost every door.

March 14, 2006
6:46 am
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free2choose
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And 4:

She wants to deny that you may be right about the modeling, the giving up of her past aspirations, and the boyfriend. She wants to be with the guy and do the modeling with out having to hear you being the possible voice of truth, pointing our either the error of her ways or at least the lack of concern for herself.

Some people want to do what the want to do, and if you try and show them that what they want is possibly unhealthy or wrong, all that is gonna happen is they are gonna stop listning.

March 15, 2006
10:03 pm
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blyxx
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So it took her a few days to text me back with:
==
Kay: It's ok. How r u?
==

I haven't responded. I'm still hurt by her and all she does is jump down my throat if I mention anything about her not being perfect. (Or at least that's how I feel).

I don't know how to approach this. At all.

March 16, 2006
11:04 am
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kathygy
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blyxx,

In your first post you were not clear and direct.

I think it would be better to say something like "I notice that often you don't return my calls. Returning my calls is important to me. I feel hurt and angry when that happens, I don't feel very important to you"

Be completely honest about your feelings.

you don't need to bring other people into it and you don't need to make excuses for her like saying "I know you have a good reason". When something like this becomes a pattern then none of her reasons are good reasons. They are excuses.

A good friend will take responsiblity for their part and will want to work through the issue.

She needs to be honest with you about why she dosen't return your calls. You can ask her if there is a reason she is not returning your calls. Maybe she feels resentful about something you said.

If she is not willing to communicate with you about this issue then the friendship is greatly limited and I suggest you stop calling her.

You have a right to expect a return call. It shows respect for you as a friend.

Don't worry about her getting angry. If you can't be honest with her than what good is the friendship?

March 16, 2006
2:16 pm
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caraway
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Try something like TALKING to your friend.... there is no substitute for the spoken word.

Cary

March 16, 2006
4:33 pm
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blyxx
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It's hard to talk to her lately because I feel just hurt by her.

I told her once, to her directly, not texting or anything: "Kay, I feel like the reason we don't hang out anymore is because I think I am boring to you." She got extremely pissed off and hurt by me saying that.

Then a few days later she didn't even remember having the conversation.

It's hard to be around her in person because she always seems so happy and carefree, but I always get the feeling she doesn't really want me there, but if I say that to her, she'll just get pissed off and defensive.

==
Kathy, I have told her what you said almost word for word. "Returning my calls is important to me. I feel hurt and angry when you dont call when you say you will, I don't feel very important to you."

Again, she just gets offended and pissed off. I don't know how to deal with it.

March 17, 2006
12:59 pm
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kathygy
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blyxx,

it sounds like she is not interested in dealing with any issues so when you bring one up she gets mad.

it is normal to have issues with people and if someone is important to you its natural to want to work through them together.

It sounds like you are much more invested in the friendship than she is. She is not showing any concern for your feelings.

Why do you want to be around someone like this?

Its so much better to surround yourself with people who love and support you and nurture you when you need it.

March 17, 2006
1:13 pm
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blyxx
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I try not to be around her, I want to just talk with her about this and hope that maybe she'll realize it. I talked to one of her good friends about the situation and how I felt about what is happening.. She didn't really reply with much.

I love this girl to death, but sometimes I think it's one sided, especially lately.

I am afraid of losing her, because she has been the second greatest friend I've ever had. I say second greatest, because I did meet one person who actually helped me and talked to me whenever, but that person turned out to be lying about who she was, how old she was, etc., etc.. I don't think that relationship is salvageable, but maybe one day I'll try. It's hard because of how betrayed I felt. She knew a lot of secrets about my life and then to find out she's not who I thought she was, well.. I definitely got defensive and she didn't understand because "It's just my name and how old I am, nothing else has changed." Well... I'm just at a loss for friends right now I guess.

March 17, 2006
1:30 pm
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Anonymous
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Blyxx,

It DOES feel like this relationship is one sided - and perhaps the reason is that she is with a boyfriend and knows you have feelings for her - and is uncomfortable about that?

You mention trying to talk her out of her modeling career and being with her boyfriend - which could have hurt her - because friends support eachother - and your lack of support may have hurt her.

Now - it's normal for friends to be concerned with the decisions another friend makes - so you weren't wrong to feel like she might be making a mistake - or worry about her safety.

But often - we have to step back and let them make their mistakes and be there and be understanding when they need us - and not be a "mom" type person who tells you "I told you so".

I drive my best friend crazy sometimes - cuz I constantly make impulsive decisions - and expect her to back me 100% - and when she can't - she just keeps her mouth shut - and then after the fact, will say she didn't think it was a good idea - but didn't want to speak up - sometimes I wish she would speak up - but I know damn well I wouldn't listen....so I don't blame her for not speaking up - instead she tells me she supports me - and will be there for me.

Now - because you appear to feel strongly for her - you don't agree with her boyfriend choice - or her career choice - perhaps she doesn't feel like she has your unconditional friendship - or support.

I am only throwing out ideas - food for thought - cuz I don't know all the details.

Also - it is passive aggressive to say "you don't return my calls, but that's okay - I know you have a good reason".....then turn around and admit to others that it drives you crazy. If it bothers you, you need to speak up.....but again, there is a right way and a wrong way to share that feeling.

Perhaps it is her "nature" to end a call with "I'll call you later" - or answer a call when she is busy - but tell you she can't talk and will call back....some people HAVE to answer every call - even if they are busy - it's like they can't allow it to go to voicemail for some reason. Anyway - perhaps "I'll call you later" is just an "empty" line she tells "everyone" - and if you know her, you know she won't call back. I am not saying it's right - just that sometimes you need to realize it's NOT YOU - especially if all her friends have the same complaint.

Is it up to you to change that habit?....No - she has to - and perhaps nobody has spoken up about not liking it - perhaps everyone else is okay with it....but overall - if she doesn't want to fix it - she's not gonna and you won't make her.

I think it's also important to not "judge" or assume her feelings about you because of her actions -only she can tell you how she feels - You are asking for trouble by assuming that if someone "acts" angry with you - they must hate you or want to dump you - or whatever - perhaps they are just having a bad day and it's totally unrelated to you....if you perceive an issue - the best thing to do is communicate - tell her that you feel like there might be a problem - and ask outright - instead of beating around the bush....and if she says "i'm just tired" - then accept it - cuz if you are looking for her to say "I hate you, go away" - the more you push - the more likely it WILL happen - just cuz you are pushing for it.

Anyway - rambling....my point is to not judge yourself or your relationship with her based on assumptions of how you think she is feeling. Don't beat around the bush - be open with your communication. And be careful that you are unconditionally supportive of her - don't hold it against her if she makes decisions that you feel are bad for her - sometimes you just gotta let them screw up and be there to help them dust themselves off later.

communication is key here.

March 17, 2006
3:10 pm
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blyxx
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I just feel that no matter how I talk to her about this, she only gets angry. I've tried not talking about it at all, that doesn't work for me. I've tried being passive about it, tried being direct with it.

It's hard. I don't want anything more than a friendship from her (I think?), but there are a lot of reasons I think her current boyfriend is bad for her. Would I tell her any of those? No. I do tell her when he is being stupid and tries to blame some stupid thing he did on her.

I am supportive of her, and haven't voiced my opinion about modeling except once. I asked her what she has done with her other aspirations. She says they are still there, but we will see with time... well maybe we'll see, i don't know how long i can keep being there for her when she is never there for me.

Maybe she doesn't hate me, but she doesn't go out of her way to spend time with me. Maybe that's my job? No. I don't think so. I've driven hours just to spend time a bit of time with her.

Maybe I am expecting too much from her. Maybe I'm expecting her to be perfect. I don't know.

I try not to get into a situation where I can say "I told you so" and I dont think I've ever said that about her. It's just hard trying to deal with this.

I really feel like she uses me to build her back up when she falls down, and of course.. I'm ALWAYS fucking there and it's pissing me off that she is NEVER there when I'm even remotely upset.

March 17, 2006
4:08 pm
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kals27
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Blyxx,

What about your expectations for yourself in this friendship? That's important. You deserve nothing less than what you put into a friendship as I see it. Just take a step back and think about what is most important to you; your feelings and your well-being should be number one here. And I'm not saying that you should forget about being a good friend to this person but you need to start thinking about yourself and how you too need someone to be a good friend to you. Maybe you just have to walk away from this one or, at least take a break for awhile.

March 17, 2006
4:33 pm
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kathygy
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blyxx,

you say that this woman is the 2nd greatest friend you've ever had?

I'm baffled as to why? She dosen't sound like much of a friend to me.

You deserve much more out of a friendship. I am very honest with my best friend and she knows I do it because I care about her. A friendship needs to work both ways.

Why try so hard to be friends with someone who dosen't sound very interested in being friends with you?

You're there for her, she's not there for you. You go out of your way to see her, she dosen't put much effort into seeing you.

You deserve a friend who is equally invested in the friendship as you are, someone you can count on to be there for you, someoen you know loves you and cares about you as you do her.

"I just feel that no matter how I talk to her about this, she only gets angry. I've tried not talking about it at all, that doesn't work for me. I've tried being passive about it, tried being direct with it. "

This woman is not interested in developing a close friendship with you or she would want to talk things through.

"I don't want anything more than a friendship from her (I think?), "

What else would you want from her?

"I love this girl to death, but sometimes I think it's one sided, especially lately."

Why, oh why do you love someone so much who is giving you so very little if anything? I haven't heard one thing about this woman that warents your love.

Forget her. Find a friend that feels mutual about your friendship.

Are you acting out some childhood script? That's the only explaination I can see for trying so hard to pursue a friendship with someone who is not very interested and treats you poorly.

March 18, 2006
12:01 am
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blyxx
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I always try hard, and I think that is why I think I have so very few friends... I think I scare them away.

What I mean by, "I dont want anything more than a friendship from her (I think?)." is this.. She had/has almost all of the aspects I want in a girlfriend. I think she has changed a lot in the past year though.

I love her because it's her.. I can't explain it, I shouldn't have to. I know when to draw the line with her, but no matter what happens I'm still going to love her. She's been my best friend for years now. I do need to talk to her about what is going on, but I can't cut her out of my life. I just can't.

I think she is just pissed at me because I can't seem to become undepressed. Ever since I dated one of her good friends things have been entirely different. She's the one who got us together too. But ever since our breakup I see her less and less.

Kay is a very friendly girl, and will hug almost anybody. I used to get hugs from her all the time, and she still comes running at me when she sees me to give me a hug, but I'm not looking for anything from her. I can't go run up to her to hug her because I feel like I am invading on her boyfriend or that she might get the wrong idea from that.. Even though she does it with me.

It's just hard to reciprocate evenly with her. I can say something sweet to her and she can't say anything to me. She can run up to hug me when I walk in the room, but I can't do the same with her.

I could explain in a novel the reasons I love this girl, but I don't have to, it's her and she's my friend.

March 18, 2006
6:21 pm
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blyxx
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So I sent her this message...

"hey kay. i know this is kinda outta nowhere but i think there is some unknown tension between us and it making us lose touch with one another."

I haven't heard back. 🙁

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