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expectations in love??????
February 9, 2006
5:32 pm
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hopeful for change
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I was watching that show on TV the starting over house, and I got really intrigued. The girl on the show made a list of each person in her life and how they made her feel unloved. Then the counselor said something to the fact that these were expectations she had for these people and she shouldn't have any. That maybe these people did love her.

I hope I got that right, but I don't understand how to not have expectations in a relationship????????????

February 10, 2006
1:30 pm
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garfield9547
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Hopeful

I hope I got that right, but I don't understand how to not have expectations in a relationship????????????

I think everybody has expectations in a relationship.

Is your expectations realistic??

This is the question you must ask yourself I think

garfield

February 10, 2006
1:35 pm
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butterflybaby
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Hi hopeful for change,

I watched that show also and I think part of it too is that she had expectations but maybe also wasn't realizing some things if it wasn't exactly how she wanted it to be. Like the life coach said well maybe they did love you...but you just didnt realize it.

i think we all have expectations but i think we need to keep our minds open and also i think we need to remember that things can come in different ways then just how we would imgaine it.

February 10, 2006
2:17 pm
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Anonymous
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I learned this lesson too - the hard way....and I wished I had a way to explain it to you.

but I WILL tell you that when I dropped my expectations of my BF - my needs were met TENFOLD. When I stopped trying to control the situation, and let it happen naturally, let him love me the way HE wanted to - things happened.

HOWEVER - you have to be careful of loving someone who can't give you want you need.

I think maybe that's the differentiation.....we all have NEEDS - we NEED to be loved. we NEED to be respected. we NEED food and water and shelter.

HOW we receive it is what we shouldn't have expectations on.

We can't control HOW someone loves us - and maybe they do love us - just not the way we THINK they should - not in a fashion that we THINK they should....but they do - and we have to accept that.

HOWEVER - if your NEEDS aren't being met - you have to step away from that situation or person - not lower your needs or settle for less.

You CAN have basic expectations - of people in general - you expect to be treated fairly, with love and respect and kindness. These are good expectations and anyone that does not meet them shouldn't be in your life....but again, you can call these expectations needs.

Do you really NEED him to come home every night, straight from work?...probably not....maybe you do - but is that reasonable?....do you NEED him to buy you a great valentine's day gift to prove his love?...probably not....maybe you do - but again, is that reasonable. However, many of us EXPECT our men to come straight home from work or wow us on valentine's day.

The bottom line is - are we being realistic and do we REALLY need it to happen like that?

February 10, 2006
3:28 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Hopeful,

I had written this yesterday but due to technical difficulties...not sure if you saw it. Anyway, here it is....

lollipop3
9-Feb-06

I've tried to respond on your thread but for some reason my computer won't let me....so let's see if it works now.

Hi Hopeful,

I have heard this many times before.....It is not people that disappoint us, it is our expectations of people that disappoint us.

I don't think this means that you should have no expectations. You are entitled to want what you want and to have your needs met. To me this means that we need to accept people for who they are. If they cannot meet our needs then we must move on. Not spend all of our time expecting things from them that they cannot or will not give us.

Make sense?

Love, Lolli

February 10, 2006
5:16 pm
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hopeful for change
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I think this maybe a huge realization for me....I always feel that if people really love me they will treat me in a certain way. I think my problem mostly is that the people who do love me are all kinda screwed up so they either don't have it to give or something.

I'm trying to grasp this I may need a little help here.

I do know that I try to control my husband and he clearly doesn't show me love the way I need it. Like for example no emotions or intimacy or sex. He wants to just buy you something and be a buddy. Even though I have told him a million times how I feel and feel my needs aren't being met. So I guess he really could love me but I should accept that's how he is not try to change it and accept that maybe he isn't the one for me????

Am I close?

I think I have realized over the years that my parents do love me but in a real screwed up way, I would never treat my kids like they do..but I guess I finally accepted that's I can't do anything about it.

HELP..

February 10, 2006
5:31 pm
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lollipop3
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Hopeful,

You said: "So I guess he really could love me but I should accept that's how he is not try to change it and accept that maybe he isn't the one for me????"

I think you've hit the nail on the head.

I"m sure he does love you in his own way. The only way he knows how. But is that enough for YOU? That is the question you must look at and answer honestly.

The only other answer is to try to truly accept him for who he is and learn to get your needs met in other ways. Perhaps by developing interests and/or hobbies outside of the marriage, building on friendships with your girlfriends, learning to validate yourself, etc.

I know this is probably not the answer that you wanted to hear but unfortunately it's the only one I've got.

I know so well how you feel. I am in the very same situation myself. For me, I have found that I cannot get my needs met in my relationship with my b/f and I believe that life is too short for me to live my life for someone else. We only come this way once. I've got one shot and from here on in, it's gonna be about me.

I wish you the best of luck with your decision.

Love,
Lolli

February 10, 2006
7:06 pm
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hopeful for change
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thanks so much lolli, and I am actively working on myself and trying to do exactly what you have said. I guess I feel that I don't want to keep up in a relationship where my needs aren't met. I don't think I am willing to give it up yet though. I am trying to focus on myself and not really on the relationship. I am trying to quit controlling him..its hard to make so many changes at once but I really do see the progress.

Thanks for the eye opener and I really need to think alot about this whole new concept that I obviously never got.

February 10, 2006
7:20 pm
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gazelle
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Sorry to interrupt, but much of this applies to me too.

ALICAT, your angle interests me a lot. Could you please see if it applies to my posts on the "manipulation v negotiation" thread? And Lolli? I'd be v grateful to you both; but I understand if you're too busy elsewhere.

(((hopeful))) I really understand & sympathise. Wish I knew any answers though. Sending good vibes & blessings - gazelle.

February 10, 2006
7:32 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Hopeful,

Unless a person is in danger, I generally don't advocate leaving a relationship...or staying in one for that matter. I believe that is decision that we must all make for ourselves. If you are not ready to give up, then you shouldn't. You need to do what you feel in your heart.

I think it is great that you are working on keeping the focus on yourself and taking care of you. You know Hopeful, sometimes when we take the focus off of them and start taking care of ourselves, they see a change in us. Sometimes they don't like it and the situation may get worse.....BUT...sometimes...sometimes...they see us getting healthy and think,....I want me some of that. Sometimes us getting heathier is the catalyst for them to want to change.

As I said, I wish you luck with whatever you decide and I'll be here to support you every step of the way.

Take care,
Lolli

February 10, 2006
10:12 pm
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hopeful for change
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thank you so much lolli, thanks for your support.

February 12, 2006
12:01 am
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hopeful for change
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I have really been pondering this for a few days now..and it's eye opening..it's almost when I have expectations that I am loving them conditionally? maybe? I mean I wish they treated me a certain way and most fail..so either I am being unrealistic in others..or I am offended that they don't give me what I need if I tell them what it is and they refuse...or don't care. I guess its not loving them under conditions it's me wanting to change them.

Not even just in the way they treat me in love..but when I hear someone say just flat our rude or unsympathetic things, it just pisses me off and I try to correct them either mean or trying to convince them they are wrong. Like using the N word. Or downing gays or saying the starving children isn't their problems. If It goes against my beliefs It angers me because I don't understand how people can be so close minded and heartless. Ofcourse my husband tells me that I think I can save the world and I can't so I should just get over it.

Maybe I am switching up topics...I am confused.

February 12, 2006
1:48 am
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broken_shell
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Hopeful,

I too am working on not having expectations of how I think someone should love me. In addition to this, I give so much of myself to those I love and expect the same in return, only to get disappointed. Right now this is something I am struggling with in my relationship with my husband. There is nothing that he is doing wrong, it's just my expectation was that he is not loving me the way I want him to love me. I am learning that people are different on how they show they love you and I have also learned that I give so much of myself because I want them to love me. But I am starting to realize that you don't need to give so much of yourself for someone to love you. But this issue I have also stems from an abandoment issue I have, which I guess might need to be discussed in another post.

February 12, 2006
1:47 pm
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xturtlex
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Dear Hopeful,

Your words - "So I guess he really could love me but I should accept that's how he is not try to change it and accept that maybe he isn't the one for me???? "- have made a huge impact on me. I'm also struggling to let go. I think that I have accepted that the relationship is over, but I am having trouble letting go of the "idea & hope that it will ever really work between us". Maybe once I do, then I can move onto a healthier relationship? I'm afraid that I'll keep going back. I have to find peace with letting go.

February 12, 2006
3:00 pm
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hopeful for change
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broken shell: I to have abandonent issues for sure. and I clearly pick partners that aren't available emotionally or are addicts or both.

I have always been trying to save them and give them my all to receive back. Hoping someday someone would really see that I am worthy of it. The truth is that I don't feel it that's why I keep trying to get it from other people.

I had someone tell me once that their are three ways people give and receive love and that usually the way you give it is how you wish to receive it.
I can't accuratley remember what they are....

However back to the main subject is expect people to treat me a certain way and when they don't or refuse I feel abandoned or unloved. URR frustrated I don't have it fiugred out rambling here sorry

February 15, 2006
7:45 am
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hopeful for change
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Yesterday I talked to my counselor for the second time and brought this subject up..that I seen it on tv etc. - She told me that the things I am expecting from these people like my dad and my husband are basic things people need...they aren't having expectations.

She said having expectations in love would be more specific (she saw the show) Like if he loved me he would bring me flowers atleast once a week. Or he would leave me love notes all the time, Outside things. She said the basics of trust and love and intamacy etc aren't in the same realm of things. That it isn't expectaitons in love..these things I should have been provided as a child and needed, and the same in a marriage.

Just thought I would tell that.

February 15, 2006
4:54 pm
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hopeful for change
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So I guess I have maybe been twisting it in my head that "my needs" - intamacy sex and trust are suppose to be their and not me expecting more than I should.....I guess it validated that I should receive these things.

February 15, 2006
5:24 pm
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Expectations of how you will receive love, intimacy, etc., can create problems in a relationship. But expecting to have them as a part of a relationship is normal, in fact healthy. One can ride a slippery slope into having no boundaries if they begin questioning whether they deserve love, intimacy etc.

February 15, 2006
6:22 pm
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Anonymous
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All opinions on expectations from this thread very helpful for me. I strongly with what Garfield and Ali said about keeping the expectations realistic. That is so very important.

Much to my surprise I learned that some expectations can even be abusive, if they are a pattern and accompanied by nagging and criticizing someone for not meeting our needs.

When we have abusive expectations, we place unreasonable demands on our partners such as expecting a them to put aside everything in order to satisfy our needs. Demanding their undivided attention...often. And/Or expecting them to spend ALL their time with us.

Abusive expectations are marked by the an inability to be pleased with our partners...there is always something MORE they could have done, said, bought.

As long as expectations don't fall into this category, I think they are healty and good for us.

February 16, 2006
7:54 am
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hopeful for change
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But expecting to have them as a part of a relationship is normal, in fact healthy. One can ride a slippery slope into having no boundaries if they begin questioning whether they deserve love, intimacy etc. -

that triggered alot in me, because I have clearly lost my boundaries and then started thinking that maybe I shouldn't expect to be loved and the basics.

February 16, 2006
1:19 pm
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hopeful - I too have been to that place - and it is a lot of work to balance between having boundaries and being flexible in order to promote growth in a relationship. But it is worth it. I had a therapist to keep reminding me of that...until I felt strong enough to implement it myself.

I wish you the strength as you get tested in this area...and learn to master it.

February 16, 2006
9:53 pm
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ryny143
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This is also a question I have been asking myself lately. The expectation I have been dealing with, is when "he" feels that something he did/said isn't as serious of an issue as I am making it. I could be crying bc of something he said or DIDNT say, and if its "stupid and not worth talking about", I am left to get back to him when I deal with it on my own. Am I asking too much? Being overdramatic with an un-emotional guy?

February 17, 2006
12:23 pm
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If you are having that reaction it is important, whether he sees the importance or not. Its important to you and in healthy relationships that would make it important to him to talk about it.

Your feelings are about you. You never need to be ashamed of feeling how you feel.

Maybe he is not what you need as far as emotional availability. That can be hard to admit to yourself, but if it is true - down the road you will realize you could have set yourself up for much deeper heartache. Something to think about...

February 17, 2006
12:30 pm
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Only you know what has gone on between the two of you... it may be good to get an outside perspective in counseling, help you sort through things.

February 17, 2006
1:17 pm
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kathygy
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I agree that there is a difference between needs and expectations. I think that if a person doesn't feel loved then its important to discuss that with their partner and tell them how you want to be loved.

One thing could be feeling heard by your partner and feeling like he cares about your needs and is considerate about your feelings like calling when he is going to be late.

It may also be his ability to give you undivided attention when you need to talk. If he can't do it in the moment then he could set aside some time where there are no distractions and do his best to understand and care about what you need to say.

It can also be his doing loving things for you like bringing you your morning coffee in bed.

I think these kinds of things are very valid to want in a relationship.

Think about how you need to be loved. If your partenr can't deliver then maybe you need to move on to someone who can.

I think of expectations as things like projections of how you want an evening to go. Maybe you have plans to go out to dinner and are imaging your partner being very romantic and telling you he loves you. Then if it doesn't happen that way you feel very disappointed and let down rather than just being open to however the evening goes.

or expecting your partner to read your mind and give you what you want wihtout knowing you want. it like expecting him to give you flowers on a certain occassion without him knowing how you feel about getting flowers. And then if he doesn't deliver on the flowers you feel like he doesn't love you.

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