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Exoticflower wilting terribly, seems like nothing gets better
April 8, 2005
11:48 pm
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exoticflower
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I picked this nickname because when I was young and confident (before I'd ever been in any abusive relationships) I always felt very exotic and pretty and vulnrable yet strong--I was a womans deoderant comercial personified. With trying to better myself I wanted to feel that way again. Just in this short time though, like since just a bit ago when I posted last. I explained my situation in thread 'exoticflowers backstory, just to get it out there' a few days ago. My bf and I have been hammering out some major issues before I move to live with him, and he turned everything off all of a sudden on the phone--I said some weak ass thing like 'how are we going to do this' and he said 'it's over, let it go'. Suddenly I am completely powerless and look like a fool and am yelling at him with no control, feeling like nothing. I cant do this anymore, i cant get better. thetres nothing strong about me, i'm just a girl who used to be really pretty and now acts like an idiot maniac all he time. I hate this, things are never going to be ok. I really beleived him that he wanted to undersand my pain and take his own steps where due, but he was just telling me what I wanted to hear, he still doesn't think i deserve any better and i'm still a blubbering idiot.

April 9, 2005
12:23 am
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exoticflower
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And yet I'm moving there in 6 hours. I'm really the most disgusting to myself I've ever been.

April 9, 2005
12:46 am
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Anonymous
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Do you want to move there?
Can't you change your mind about moving?

I know what you mean about being codependent though. And something I have found is that we learn and heal in relationships. They have their ups and downs but without them we would not learn nearly as much about ourselves. Although there are limits to what is okay to live with and what isn't. What feels right in your heart?

April 9, 2005
1:26 am
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exoticflower
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it doesnt really matter, he just dumped me. I'm uch an idiot. i cant even keep my own daughters father, not even good enough for someone who makes me feel like shit. i quit.

April 9, 2005
2:28 am
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tenderheart
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When you say you quit are you talking about quitting on yourself or with him?

April 9, 2005
4:01 am
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godsgirl
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Exotic Flower,

You have to be strong for you and for your daughter. Don't move in with him, don't even think about it. It doesn't sound like a good sittuation for you or your daughter. It is hard to get better being in all that crazyness, and that is what your daughter could grow up thinking is normal. I know it hurts not to be with him, and that you want your relationship to work because you love him. But let it go and work on yourself take time to see clearly, and see if he works on himself too. Don't give up, it is going to be okay. Your are in my prayers.

April 9, 2005
4:48 am
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toomanytears
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exotic flower,

i have spent the past 1/2 hour reading and my tears could just not stop. it's so good to know that there's so many people out there who are actually going through the same emotions, etc. . as i am. to get right into it, i am in a relationship of over 5 years and have finally come to terms that i am co-dependent. so many times i have been in this position of "should i end this now", but it just hurts to much to even think about the outcome. i even have come so far as actually quitting my then brand new job, packing up my stuff and fleeing to the comforts of home with my family. but for some strange reason, i came back to him. almost a year later, even though for another reason, i am back home and am comtemplating my future with him. i haven't even spoken to him since i left (it's been a week) because of the uncertainty in our relationship. i hate feeling like this. i hate being in the "unknown".

April 9, 2005
9:47 am
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Desert Moon
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exoticflower,

maybe this poem from "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" will help:

I do alright alone

and better together

but I do very poorly when semi-together

In solitude I do much

In love I do more,

but in doubt I olnly transfer pain to
paper,

in gigantic Passion Plays

complete with miracles and martyrs
and crucifixions and resurrections

Come to stay or

Stay away

April 9, 2005
10:03 am
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Ehwaz
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good morning exoticflower,

please don't see it as him dumping you. Liberate yourself. He has given you the gift of freedom. Freedom to heal, freedom to move on, freedom to be the flower you know is still in you.

know the pain of the moment will pass. I was reading yesterday that our stuggles with pain come from our resistence to the pain. Feel it, own it, release it.

you know in your heart and gut what is right for you and your child. Never doubt that. Live your truth, be your strength. YOU CAN DO IT!

You deserve happiness and joy. You are worth it. He is not.

smiles,
ehwaz

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