Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Exoticflower ended up in ANOTHER em. abuse relationship...could it be in my head?
March 8, 2008
7:58 pm
Avatar
exoticflower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi all..

I'm going to cut right to the chase. Those who know me here may recal, but I suppose also may not, so I'll recap quickly.

I was raised with physical and emotional abuse, mostly mental--my stepmother would make me sit at the table with my head buried in my arms while my family had dinner around me, I was molested for years by my stepbrother and my stepmother made clear that it was a lie and not to ever say otherwards, my father just turning a blind eye. I was woke in the middle of the night to clean ala mommy dearest almost to a t, cornered and toyed with and talked to in a baby voice for hours because I was "just a stupid pretty little baby" when I would try to tell people outside of my family.

Then, I went on to a very abusive relationship with my daughters father, who would shush me, not speak to me all night when I used the wrong fork or forget to keep my napkin on my lap or use a word wrong, lie to people about the schools I went to or what I was interested in, just very obsessed with class and status. He cheated on me a lot when I was pregnant and would tell people when I finally found out and started losing my temper that I was hysterical, sometimes would pretend I was striking him while he was on the phone with people, I once found him yelling out a window "Stop, you're going to hurt me, or the baby" when I was supposed to be sleeping in the next room. He medicated me, and to this day, anyone we know mutualy believes I went crazy, I have some proof from a few friends I have taking pictures or saving his background torment on their voicemails and such, but we share a child and I just don't want to get into it--anyone who sees substance in him is someone I don't want in my lfe, period.

And, I got out and got it togeather and ahve built my life and myself up a lot (with some amazing help from the people on this site so many times no less (((((((thanks)))))).

So, here is my query now.

I am with someone who has begun degrading me, or at least I feel so, but am afraid I may just be projecting my other issues from the past on him. An example is that today we were in a fight about something simple...I asked him to take me to a farmers market here as he needed my car, he complained he was sleepy, I said never mind, he said no, of course he would do it and what in the hell is wrong with me.

Then, he kept picking at me about things and I started to cry and he said "what am I some bully now?", and I said "No, there's a different word for what you're being right now" and he knew I was going to say abusive as I don't tolerate even slight abusive behavior from anyone without kicking them out of my home and life until they are ready to make it right (better to one extreme than the other these days I guess).

SO, and he's done this a couple other times too, he followed me around the house talking to me in kind of a mock voice, going "Huh, sweetie? WHAT were you going to say?"

Then he went on to say some very insulting things about me and thw word "pathetic" was used to describe me, which was exoticbabys fathers phrase along with "very sick and confused...probably delusional" when explaining my freaking out when he would f*ck with my head really badly sometimes.

And I know some fights get out of hand, and I DON"T want to see some sinister abuser that isn't there, but really, I still don't know what we were fighting about, what he was mad about, what I was exactly defending myself for, that's what creates the concern. I felt spun around and twisted up and still don't know what I did or what the right thing could have been that he wouldn't have taken something out on me for...anyone else run into something like this? I just...I don't know, just wanted to put it out there. Thanks.

March 8, 2008
8:16 pm
Avatar
Codi202
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, it is in your head.
You have patterns in there that you are following.
You have a comfort zone in there. When you go past the edges you feel very uncomfortable.
You are attracted to the type and they are to you.
Its normal. We all do it.
If you were not raised in such an environment you would have different patterns and a difference in your comfort zone.

You may also have fears, and some confusion, that keep you from letting in the good.
I know I do.

As I did, you need to learn to recognize the patterns and why they are repeated.
Then you need to learn to change them and make the changes stick.

You need to do that outside of a relationship if you are no longer in one. What I mean is to not jump into another relationship. Take time off to get healthy.

If you are in one, you may need to either get out for your safety, or at least get counseling or into some kind of groupe that will set things straight in your head as you deal with things until they change...

March 8, 2008
10:05 pm
Avatar
exoticflower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Codi, you said "Yes, it is in your head." and also "You are attracted to the type and they are to you" The two just seem to be in direct conflict and I wasn't sure how to read this?

March 8, 2008
10:14 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

exotic- been there. No matter what you say or do you will not change this emotionally abusive man that you are with. You are dealing with a walking personality disorder.

The question you have to ask yourself is why do you allow him to do this to you? The question isnt if you love him the quesion is why dont you love yourself enough to get away from him.

Dont put up with it, dont blame yourself. You arent doing anything wrong. If you stay it wont get bad it will get worse.

March 8, 2008
10:21 pm
Avatar
Codi202
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Its about your conditioning.
Thats in your head.
Thats all that ment.
I know, your question "is it in my head?" meant is it your imagination, righ?

Well, yes and no. Sometimes we imagine a slight that isn't there because we are so used to it happening. I was told that if it isn't happening, I will do it to myself...or make it happen some other way.

so it is in our head, even if that seems like a play on words -- it was, but it had a dual meaning.

March 8, 2008
10:34 pm
Avatar
exoticflower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, that is my fear...that it's in my head and isn't really happeining, or that I'm creating it. Which is a double edge because with my ex, that's what he convinced me so I tend to doubt my perseption of what is real and if I somehow 'create' abuse.

It's scary--that even what's right inside your own head can be touched by someone else deliberately, and those fingerprints are left on everything that passes through after too.

March 8, 2008
10:56 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

There isn't anything acceptable about being called "pathetic", or any of the crap that you mentioned.

It is abusive. I believe that we are capable of making abusers out of people that are truly not trying to be. I think that we can read things wrong, and make it worse than it is.

Is that because we are comfortable living the life of the victim?? Or is that because we tell ourselves that someone good couldn't really love us?? I don't know.

But we need to be careful here.

What you described is abusive, and should be treated as such. IMO

I don't think that it is all in your head. I understand what you are feeling though, a lot better than I wish that I did.

I believe that you are ok. Do NOT settle for anything that makes you uncomfortable. Are you in counseling??

March 8, 2008
11:03 pm
Avatar
Codi202
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tender Heart said it better than I could.
And reminded me of the part of the book "Nasty People" that talks about invalidators (you can find a portion of the book on invalidators on line, by the way.). It says that if you feel bad after an encounter, then you have just been invalidated.
so, that is a clue.
Thanks Tender Heart for clarifying that.

March 8, 2008
11:16 pm
Avatar
exoticflower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Codi, thanks, I will look into that.

Tender, yes I am in counseling, and have been working dilligently and lovingly on myself for several years now. Since 2005 at least according to a thread I just found here that I started then!

But, it goes to show you're never in the clear, I guess!!

I think this is what I needed to hear without hitting on it myself--maybe I was reaching for it in my fear of saying so myself...abusive treatment is abusive treatment if you are with a malicious abuser or not.

I threw him out today saying "these are not ok things.." and was starting to rethink myself (not threw him out as he lives with me just in that I made him go home). It's only abuse if I let it be abuse...which is to say if I accept it and let it take me down.

Thanks, both. Just gotta stay on course in stuff like this...

March 8, 2008
11:46 pm
Avatar
Codi202
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is not the page I went looking for, but it is on topic and an interview with the author of the book "Nasty People""

http://teachers.net/archive/na.....eople.html

March 9, 2008
8:16 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello Exotic Flower:

I remember you. And I remember that you are a sweet, kind-hearted lady.

You describe an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Amazing how we can recognize it from the description from afar, but when we are in one, it all seems like we are imagining things.

YOu are NOT imagining abuse. Your emotional pain is telling you that something is wrong. Emotional abuse brainwashes the victim. S/he will tolerate more and more abuse if it is not stopped. The victim of abuse must increase self esteem, establish good boundaries and be vigilant to let no one cross them.

Some excellent books that continue to help me are by Beverly Engle - The Emotionally Abused Woman (also explains why we accept abuse); The Emotionally Abusive Relationship (helps you to decided whether to leave or not).

Please also read How to Spot a Dangerous Man, and Why Does He Do That (inside the mind of an abuser).

Take good care of yourself and your beautiful little girl. You deserve to be treated with love and respect ALWAYS! And your daughter needs to see you being treated as such, or she too will allow herself to be abused.

Moon & Stars

March 9, 2008
11:07 am
Avatar
exoticflower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

moon...so glad to hear from you and thank you so much for the book recomendations--I will definately look into at least a couple of them (thin book budget some months!). I am glad you touched on my daughter, that is something I find myself unable to brush to the back of my mind even for a few minutes. I suppose I like to think I'm a supermom who can perfectly ballance my social life and parenting life with absolutely no crossing of the two, but realisticly, no one can do that completely, and what I take is what I am teaching her to take.

COdi, I did look at that web-site, and was absolutely impressed, Nasty People is definately something I want to buy asap...Thanks so much for sharing that.

March 10, 2008
8:42 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Exotic Flower:

If you search for the titles and/or the authors online, you will find websites and articles. Also try public libraries. If they don't have the book, many will borrow them on interlibrary loan for you.

Also check out http://www.drirene.com Her website is full of great information on abuse and codependency.

You should be proud of yourself that your "radar" is working and that you are aware when something doesn't feel right.

Take good care.

Moon & Stars

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
30
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110935
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38542
Posts: 714222
Newest Members:
jessicawales, documentsonline, SafeWork, thomasalina, genericsmartdrugs, 才艺
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer