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Exoticflower, Dealing with a breakup
April 7, 2009
12:47 pm
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exoticflower
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Hi! Some of you know me here, so won't be shocked to hear that almost a year ago I joined AA. About 6 months in, I started to connect with a guy with several years more time in the program. The rule of thumb is to not date anyone for a year and not date someone with more time with you.

So, naturally, when at 8 months this guy talked me into getting together with him, I did. It was a bit fast, I wanted to pull back many times but he was always very instistant that I needed to trust, give him more time, wait until I had done all 12 steps, wait until I moved closer to him, so on and so on and so on. I'm one who can be badgered out of my boundaries and attract stealth abusers frequently, but this one takes the cake: I tried to slow things down a few times over the past 4 months, but he insisted I was wrong, it was my illness and fear talking, gave me more instruction and 'helped' me to see that I had to trust him. Finally I let my guard down, fell very in love with him, made myself at peace with my doubt and with my relationship: So he wlked in 2 days later and dumped me out of the blue in the middle of the day saying he had never loved me (actually, he said that hours later in an email).

So, I was devastated, of course. Why tell me I was flawed and wrong? Why push and push for me to feel safe and trust you? Why pressure me to move closer to you (I was looking for a place, but on the other side of town)? Why have me let down my walls and become vulnerable just to the second I'm exposed shoot me between the eyes for NO REASON except that the entire time that you were egging me on you weren't even feeling love for me anyway? Hmm?

I gave all of my power to this man, that's the thing that knocks me over with a feather: I've been around and around with controllers and stealth abusers, but it was a patern I had broken with a lot of work and personal undestanding.

So, now I want my power back. I need good healthy 'wash that creep right out of your hair' advice and self-love advice too. The sad truth is, I'm still hearing his message that I'm unloveable even if I do everything he says, not the truth that someone who didn't love me tried to mold and change me, which is their sickness. I'm still wanting him back and sad and thinking about what I should have done better. Which is insane when dealing with a controller-- NO ONE will ever be good enough except someone who doesn't want them at all.

So, that's all I got. Input?

April 7, 2009
1:28 pm
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atalose
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I guess the most important question is, how is your sobriety with all of this happening? What about your AA meetings, are you still attending them?

I hear a lot of blame here: he talked you into getting together, he badgered you out of your boundaries, he insisted you were wrong with your feelings, he pressured you into moving closer to him.

And what was your part? You allowed it all too happen, why? And that’s the key here, to figure out why you sold yourself out to this man. Gotta get past the blame in order to reach some inner truths.

You sold your boundaries in exchange for what? What were you getting out of this relationship that was worth that?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 7, 2009
1:50 pm
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lollipop3
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((((Exotic))))),

First I want to say CONGRATULATIONS on your sobriety.

I don't have much in the way of advice per se, other than to say (which you already know) that recovery from ANYTHING is a process. It is a journey, not a destination.

I know you are hurting right now and perhaps even beating yourself up but keep in mind, you are not at square one. Just pick up where you left off and keep on keeping on.

Stay focused on your accomplishments and don't forget how far you've come. You're doing great!

Love,
Lolli

April 7, 2009
1:55 pm
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Shaney
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Welcome back ef .... ugh. What a bunch of manipulative crap that this guy put you through. The saving grace that I see, is that you were listening to your gut in the beginning... attempting to pull back for several months - but he wore you down ... and against your better judgement. I think you deserve some credit for having that "better judgement" to begin with. He was controlling and persistent, and took advantage of your vulnerability once he wore you down enough to take your power away. What a creep. I'm sure you felt you could trust him - and why wouldn't you? Having been in the program longer, you may have looked at him as having more experience and knowledge. If you take the emotion out of this situation, you still have that power - the ability to see this situation for what it truly was. Not even a creep like him can take what you've learned away from you. He's bruised you with his rejection and you're still going to feel pangs of insecurity and regret for the part that you played in this. But when that fades, your power of knowing that this was a manipulative game on his part, is still there. You still have power.

April 7, 2009
1:58 pm
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Shaney
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BTW - how's that exotic little budlet?

April 7, 2009
2:22 pm
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exoticflower
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Oh, she's great Shaney-- can't get enough of her!! And thanks, but I think my big problem here is needing to improve on my self-esteem in a BIG WAY-- things like my basic right to boundaries, those are things I should NEVER be badgered out of to begin with, things I should never be willing to give up, more or less to some guy I have a bad feeling about from the get-go. I clearly need to be in a place where I love myself more than someone I distrust AND others had expressed concern about from the very start. Yeah, he did me wrong, really wrong, but I'm trying to work on ME now, so that can't happen again. Learning lessons. I do tend to attract controlling people, by being controllable. Which comes down to not loving myself enough, plain and simple!

Altos, I am still going to meetings, he's had the good grace to go to different ones himself actually for which I am gratful since the ones I go to are the only in town I can bring my child. I had a shakey couple of few days at first, got very into the self pity, keeping him up high above me in my mind, wishing I could be good enough for him, you know the drill.
Though actually, it's taken me a couple of weeks to get here, where I need to look at the fact that someone did hurt me, did prey on me, that his shit smells pretty bad too. I had to get a little real about what he did, that he could do ANY wrong, before I could even honestly look at what I let him do, what I gave over that I feel he's take from me at all. Gotta start from the ground floor. *sigh*. Sponsors orders-- "Get real about that boy or you can't see what you got out of it".

Thanks Lolli... you're always so gentle with boy advice!! It is a journey, true... now that journey is teaching me a lesson and I'm actually starting to get it.

Must. Love. Self.

How absurd the things I need help with at my age!

April 7, 2009
3:28 pm
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exoticflower
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Oh, Altos, I assumed you were an AA member, which is why I shared so much. The ex is a big Alanon guy as well as an aa member... I find it best not to get ANY advice from people who need a program to stop controlling people, that's what got me into this mess, you understand!! 😉

April 7, 2009
4:15 pm
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atalose
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Exotic,

I love it!!!! Best not to get ANY advice from people who need a program to stop controlling people……LMAO……….I certainly DO understand……LOL

I agree with your sponsor, get real about that boy or you can’t see what you got out of it.

Glad you were strong and didn’t travel back down a road you’ve worked so hard to stay on….:) Keep on it and keep in touch here, allot of great people and allot of good stuff on here.

(((exotic)))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 7, 2009
5:11 pm
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exoticflower
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I love recovery humor... it's funny because it's true 'of me' and clearly it's all about me some days up there in my mind 🙂

April 7, 2009
6:07 pm
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atalose
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I love humor too, it helps put things in a happier perspective at times. Other wise I’d go nuts and begin to take myself too seriously.

Sometimes there is nothing wrong with it being all about you/me up there in our minds but sometimes it’s dangerous and better to take someone along with us up there!!!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 8, 2009
10:50 pm
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exoticflower
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Ick. Another "New Breakup" night. Off to bed for me, but if anyone knows any ways to shake the 'breakup blues' and help myself to feel better, please please make with the suggestion!

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