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Ex wants to have dinner with me!!!
May 17, 2007
11:25 am
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readyforachange
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He's been sending messages through my kids for almost a year about this...telling them to ask me if I'll have dinner with him. Lately, it's been non-stop, and he's calling to ask me to choose a day to go out.

Background...we were married for 17 years, have been divorced for 2. The last several years of our marriage were awful...he's an alcoholic, had 9 jobs in our 17 years of marriage, was verbally and physically abusive. The worst though was the mental abuse...locking me out of our bedroom, removing my pictures from the house, telling our kids I was having and affair and poisoning his food, destroying my belongings, threatening me...the list goes on. Since the divorce, it has been no better. He has refused to speak to me about our children, sends my child support check made out to "Bearer" and marks the envelope "Occupant", and undermines everything I say or do with regard to the kids. He's still drinking.

I have told him point blank that I will not have dinner with him. The only thing we have to communicate about is our kids, which I feel we can do via phone or email.

He just won't get the message!!!! My friend says I should agree to have dinner, and show up with a date! He's seeing someone, and I could tell him I thought we were double dating!

Any advice???

May 17, 2007
11:59 am
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risingfromtheashes
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don't play games.

stick to your boundaries...no means no.

remind him every time he calls that if it's not about the kids, you won't be discussing anything with him.

ask him "is there something regarding the kids you want to discuss?"...if he says no...then say "goodbye" and hang up.

I know that it's frustrating to KEEP saying no...and you can't NOT take his calls, in case it DOES have to do with the kids.

But showing up with the date only plays games and "engages"....and gives him the message that you want to play games with him...which makes him feel like he has something on you.

Just stand firm...no means no.

let his calls go to voice mail...and call him back at your convenience.

May 17, 2007
2:24 pm
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I fully agree with Rising.

if it isnt about the kids say good buy and hang up, or let it go to voice mail, that is what I had to start doing with my x husband, he was trying to get me back into his life and he made things so hard on me, once I started avoiding his phone calls it got easier, but he didnt use the kids to get me to eat with him, that is big time low for him to do that.. that is not a nice thing to put on your kids.

like Rising said

"Just stand firm...no means no.

let his calls go to voice mail...and call him back at your convenience."

May 17, 2007
2:33 pm
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Shaney
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Hey there ready :o)

It's nice sometimes when someone that was so crappy to us, comes back around, wanting to give us the attention that they should have given us in the past. It's cool on one hand, and on the other, the thought of spending time with them can make our stomach turn. When faced with this sort of choice, always remember how hard it was to get away from them... the hell that you went through... how long it took you to make that decsion... then how long it took you to learn to live with it. Those thoughts alone usually send me running FULL SPEED in the opposite direction. You're a smart lady.... TOO smart to step into that pile o' crap. :o)

May 17, 2007
2:35 pm
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nvr2late
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oh boy...still at it, huh?

well..there is good advice here...maybe you should go to dinner with him and tell him what he needs to do to be a good father...and tell him it must be sad to live your life pining after what he lost...but made his OWN decisions about...

hmmm. I could go on and on...
but then I would be having dinner with MY ex husband! 🙂

stay strong ready...

nvr

May 17, 2007
2:59 pm
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readyforachange
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Thank you all SO MUCH! You know, I know the right answer to this dilemma. I hate that he is doing this through my kids, so that it makes me look like the bad guy when I say no. Which I will continue to do. I have to remind myself of the way he treated me, and how horrible things were for the last couple of years...nothing is going to change. He proved that to me when we had a "family meeting" a few weeks ago to discuss some major concerns with my daughter. Reminded me exactly why I divorced him.

A little part of me wants to hear him apologize for all of the horrible, terrible things he did to me. But what would that prove? Being the sucker I am, it would only make me let him worm his way back into my life....not a good idea.

May 17, 2007
3:21 pm
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nappy
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I think that it is so funny, how he wants to sit down and have dinner now but when you were with him, I bet he didn't even have time to sit on the couch with you long enough to say how was your day.

Mens and womens are funny. Say you have two back pockets. You have the new girlfriend or boyfriend and then in the other pocket you have the ex.
what they do is. When they want to be bother, they just take out whichever one that they want to deal with.
Now if the ex that was hurt had any sense, she or he would see clearly that it is time to move on from this person. Even with childrens.

If it is not about the childrens, then we do not have anything to talk about. You don't want to hear about his life and I'm sure you don't want to tell him about your life.

And about that apologize, you may not get that while he is walking upright, but you might get it when he is on his dying bed. As you know, we all have to make peace before we stand before our maker.
Nappy

May 17, 2007
3:24 pm
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fantas
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Hi ready, My ex stalked me in all ways for about a year after I broke up with him. It finaaly dawned on me that he was happy if there was any connection. Whether I was yelling, having him thrown in jail, running away when I saw him, he delighted in it all. Mark you, he was already seeing someone. I decided to disconnect from him in every way by acting unmoved by him. I wouldn't take his calls, I ignored him when I saw him, I just literally turned off the switch. He continued his drama for a little while longer then moved to the opposite side of the country. I guess you can't compeletly disconnect from him because of your children but I'd say that his behaviour is compromising the emotional and psychological well being of the children and can result in his termination of rights or at the very least cause him to not be able to visit his children without supervision. I'd say that if you are going to talk to him at all, it to tell him that if he doesn't stop his insane games you will seek an order of protection for the kids. He seem very unstable to me given how he treated you and continued to treat you. I'd be nervous he might start to take it out on the kids. All the best...

May 17, 2007
4:22 pm
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atalose
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Sounds like your controlling ex is still very much attempting to control and using your children to do it.
Why has he spent a year going through your kids to invite you to dinner? If he is still treating you like crap with his occupant and bearer on child support payments, what the dinner going to accomplish? If you meet him it will accomplish his control via the children.
There is no purpose for this meeting and I certainly do not see any kind of apology coming from him for anything. He's had a year for that and nothing.
I think the advise you got above about screening your calls and letting them go into voice mail is best. I had to turn the volumn off on my phone because of my ex. I also sent him a registered letter telling him I turned my phone off and that it would only be checked once a day for messages so if he had some kind of emergency he could go through the police dept and they would reach out for me. All of his nonsense phone calls soon stopped but I had to stick to my boundary.
He then went to writing me letters telling me how to raise his children and crap like that. I stopped signing for those letters and then sent him another one stating that he needs to send his registered letters via my attorney because I was no longer going to sign for them. Those too soon stopped. Controllers use your own fear to accomplish there goals. Taking that fear away takes less away from them while you become stronger.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 17, 2007
4:53 pm
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Hang in there, ready.....I love Nappy's hip pocket theory. I know they're not babies, but isn't this "Baby Mama Drama"?

I learned our son's gf was actually getting her oldest child's father to fix her car for her. She told me "this guy" had made her wait forever in the hot car and she'd called him and he said he'd be there in 40 minutes but she got upset and left. Then she must have called and told our son the truth (that the guy had asked her for sex in return for the car repair) to .... what? make him angry/jealous/revengeful? No wonder she got mad.

The fact that she skipped over that part when telling me makes me SO LESS understanding of her problems.

That NO CONTACT policy just keeps making more and more sense to me.

It's like little kids that act out because bad attention is better than no attention at all.

Just keep ignoring him. Don't
"break bread" with people you don't like.

May 17, 2007
6:37 pm
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flegen
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don't do it!

it is just a ploy to get back into your life and it sounds like it would turn bad quickly. if he had stopped drinking things might be different, maybe, but someone who is abusive is abusive whether sober or drunk, the drink just helps it come out a little easier.

trash this loser. flegen

May 18, 2007
6:47 am
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nvr2late
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ready..you have been given good advice.

which is sometimes hard to take..because who does not want to be with someone that says they made the biggest mistake of their lives??

when you already KNOW they did!! 🙂

it is a way to stay connected to you..and lord KNOWS that he does not care about the g/f...

so, don't go...take it from me who ALMOST started getting sucked back in by my ex and his words...

he has NOT changed..did not stop the drinking...
so, tell me....what would you benefit by going with him to dinner?

he would walk right out the door with more power than he should!!!
nvr

May 19, 2007
8:41 pm
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Desert Moon
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Ready,
Why does he want to have dinner with you so much when he treats you this way. It sounds like he will not give up trying to control you. Like the other posts said as long as you engage him you give him excuses to continue.

My husband and I were married 22years. when I first divorced he wanted to see me alot. Was always pushing to come over, stay at my house, etc. but I always said no. It happens much less now, fortunately (3yrs later), but recently he did ask me to lunch. I said, no, I dont want to go there. I mean, it sets a precident. If he gets me to go to lunch that shows there is some interest there. so he would keep pushing, finding excuses to come over, asking me to dinner. No thanks. I wont fall for it. I shut down and dont show any interest. It seems to work for the most part.

So just stick to your guns and ignore him as much as you can. he'll get the message eventually. Maybe he is just too dense to know better 🙂

May 19, 2007
10:16 pm
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readyforachange
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Well, here's what I did:

I sent him an email, and told him that I would not have dinner with him. I told him that the only thing we needed to discuss would be the kids, and he could do that in an email or on the phone.

Thanks to all of you for your great advice. Much as I would like to hear him say he screwed up, and made the biggest mistake of his life, it wouldn't matter. I know I made the right choice and that we just should never be in the same room.

May 20, 2007
7:31 am
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nvr2late
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ready...good for you and being so strong.

I admire your strength and your insight.

and don't take his word for it that it is a good thing to go out to dinner...he wants to tell you what a mistake he has made...

and what difference would that make? he MADE the mistake, now he lives with the consequences.

nvr

May 20, 2007
11:14 am
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readyforachange
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I know I did the right thing. Two little things bother me though. One, every time he tries to set this up through my kids, it makes me look like the bad guy when I say no. I hate that he does that, and I think it's pretty dirty and underhanded to involve them. No surprise. The other thing is that I really feel like I deserve the apology, the I screwed up speech. I don't want to see him face to face to do that, but I think I deserve it after giving 24 years of my life to him. But it wouldn't accomplish anything, and I know that.

Funny, one of my good friends thinks he's getting all nice now that my dad passed away because he figures I'm that much closer to my parents' money. He used to tell people he only married me because my parents had money. Nice, huh?

May 20, 2007
12:01 pm
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fantas
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Ready...Good for you for not being sucked in by his feeble attempts at having dinner with you. I understand what you mean by wanting to hear him apologize. It does feel good when they finally admit their wrong doings. In your exs case, I wonder if he would be genuine and not have another motive. The fact that he is using your kids to get you to have dinner with him tells me that he doesn't get it yet or that he really doesn't care about you or them and is willing to use anyone to advance his agenda.I find it interesting that he used to say he married you for your parents money and now he is attempting to get closer to you now that they are passed on (sorry for your loss). I had an ex who told me he would not have dated me if I didn't have a car. Needless to say, his behind is now taking the bus:). I wouldn't trust this guy one bit if he started to spit dollar bills. Keep the strength and thank you for sharing your story. It's very empowering.

May 20, 2007
12:11 pm
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atalose
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ready,

Your kids will figure him out in time, I do know how hard it is for you that he makes you look bad in your kids eyes. My ex was similiar in that he used our kids to his advantage all the time. My heartbreak was in having to witness them being used and living with the thoughts of what my kids were thinking about me. I stood strong, never argued with them or pleaded my own case, it took several years for them to discover on there own without my help what their father was really all about.
Hang in there and stay strong.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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