Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
ex-dependent and co-dependent
January 18, 2006
10:34 pm
Avatar
TeaTree
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My girlfriend and I have recently seperated. I was a drug addict and she a co-depentent. We no longer live together but I still see and talk to her regularly. It's tough though, because we live in different cities now.

I've realized that my life was a mess. Since she left, I've begun to face my life for the first time. I no longer do drugs. I'm seeking help for my depression. And I'm trying lots of new things that I was always afraid of.

My life is actually better that it's ever been. With one exception - I miss her terribly. She's trying to change her co-dependent ways. She says she needs to rediscover herself. I'm very proud of her. I think we do have a chance to be happy together again. But I can't help being terrified that I might lose her. I try to take it one day at a time. And focus on the better people we're becomming - together or alone.

Sometimes it's overwhelming though. One day at a time. I just have to take it one day at a time.

January 19, 2006
8:46 am
Avatar
hopeful for change
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I always fantacize that my ex would do that (get clean) The problem wasn't just him though. My codependency was just as bad as his addiction. If she is saying she needs to rediscover herself then that is great because she is getting her life together to. It's harder than you know because our addiction is to others, always wanting to take care of everyone else. It's powerful, and hard to change. In a relationship it's hard to find the boundary to not get sucked back in the old ways. Be proud of her. Keepworking on you. I am sure God has a plan.

January 19, 2006
8:57 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

good attitude with "one day at a time" thats all you can do. I am glad you kicked your drug habit and working on yourself.

For now, it doesn't mean that you will never get back together, it just means she needs her space to work on herself. And as time goes on and she see you not using drugs and getting healthier, that could be a good sign for things in your relationship to improve.

Just don't pressure her too much, and let things take its course, and for now work on you.

((camer)))

January 19, 2006
9:37 am
Avatar
funkybuddha
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

TeaTree- I'm so proud of you. You have done what so few have the guts to do. To deal with there own issues. IMHO I believe you should continue to work on you. Make sure you have your head screwed on staright and not just missing someone to lean on. I believe in recovery it is suggested 9-12 months before you date again? If you remain clean and have remained friends with your ex then perhaps you can give it a try again.

Please keep in mind if she is truly codependant she has a lot to work out too. If she doesn't she will not want to be with you when you get your act together because there won't be anything to fix. Just be prepared for either scenerio.

Hats of to you! Everyday that you stay clean and sober helps you get ready to deal with what brought you to your addiction in the first place.

January 19, 2006
9:49 am
Avatar
hbdude2k
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

funky said it right....As she recovers from her codependency, she will look back and say "what the hell was I doing with a drug addict." Just be prepared. On the other hand, as you recover "one day at a time" you might look back and say the same. Yes, please give it 9 to 12 months for yourself before you date. You will be amazed at what you find out about you...I have not spoken to my girl for 37 days now, because I am in recovery of codependency myself. I can tell you it is amazing what you can accomplish without any distractions. My suggestion is, "have no contact with her for 30 days and see how it goes" Stop worrying and obsessing about her. Its easy to say, but it can be done when you try....'DISCIPLINE YOURSELF' that is the hardest thing in life is your own discipline. Don't let anybody else do it for you. In order for you to recover, you have to discipline yourself in order to make it.

January 19, 2006
9:51 am
Avatar
startingover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Teatree,
I am new to this site and would like to ask you some questions. But, first of all, many congrats on kicking your habit. I'm glad your life is getting better, and you seem to be headed in a very good direction.
Do you think your life began to improve because your girlfriend left?
Did it force you to face reality a bit, or to do some things she didn't do for you anymore?
I have recently realized that I have always had codependent behaviors, and I can tell you from the girlfriend standpoint that it is a scary realization. What starts as genuine caring becomes a self-sacrificing, dangerous obsession. Your girlfriend probably worried herself truly sick, or worked too many hours to make up for money you didn't have, or somehow constantly neglected her own needs in order to "fix" you. (Please know that I'm not trying to be patronizing; you may already know these things). I need to say them out loud / write them so it is more real, because I recently learned that my much-loved boyfriend has been using heroin regularly, and I think I'm in shock. I feel like I've lost my best friend, and this may be how your girlfriend feels. It hurts terribly to know that your love for a person is hurting them and you. It's very good that you are both healing, and indeed this must happen one day at a time. Do you think it could have happened without a physical separation? I don't know ---I'm trying to figure out how to back out of this relationship with some mental health intact. He and I had been very close and I never dreamed it would end this way. I can't imagine how it can continue without trust. Can you offer me any advice from the other side?
I'm glad your life is improving. It is a very precious thing, and you deserve to be happy.

January 19, 2006
8:00 pm
Avatar
hopeful for change
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

How long have you been clean? I am just wondering because my ex would "claim" that, then when he got me back, he started using again. So then I was trying to save him again.

It is so great you are getting clean, their are so many people that I wish could do that to that I love. I wish you the absolute best.

January 19, 2006
8:11 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I believe that all the relationships that came after my ex husband, he too was drug addict, I became codependent because of my relationship with my husband. You could possibly rebuild it but first both of you have to come to terms with your own selves and also each of your part of the self destruction in the relationship. Seek answers to why and don't forget the negatives as well as the positives. Trust has to be earned. Your paths may cross again but only when the time is right. First healing must begin and within the self. We can always love the person that hurt us, that we are no longer with, nor forget but it is always important to move forward and not backward.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
40
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110907
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38534
Posts: 714189
Newest Members:
819Zeed, odin83, sendlv, ViolentFighterBrownCaveman, kbrfDazy, traceyob69
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer