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Everything you want...maybe
October 11, 2001
4:32 pm
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1dvsgirl
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I know about the 12 steps, I know that when you're in AA one of the things you do is apologize to the people you've hurt and acknowledge the pain you caused. I guess I was expecting a phone call so that I could let it go to voicemail and listen to it when I felt ready. I wasn't expecting a letter. I wasn't expecting the clarity a month of sobriety and no contact has had. He spent pages going through every fight we've ever had, where they stemmed from, what was me, what was him & how much the alcohol took away from not only him but us and ME. The intense understanding of all the reasons that I had to leave spelled out as if I'd written it. His apology was so incredibly sincere, no blame, just the regret of losing something very precious. It was the Jeckyl I fell in love with clearing the scene from all the things Hyde destroyed. He didn't ask for forgiveness and he didn't try to make in-roads for a reconciliation. He added a thank you for the warm thoughts and let me know that he knew why I couldn't attend his AA meeting. A mutual friend has a tape for me whenever I feel like I might be ready to hear what he had to say. His recovery isn't anymore about me than mine is about him. I know that he sees that now. Not only sees but believes. He knows the only person who can love you enough to get you through something like this is yourself. I love him still. I miss everything about us. I know we have to keep things the way they are, I just wish it felt better to do it. The funny thing is I'm not feeling lonely or sad. I feel good about the progress I'm making. I want to be able to share the good bad & ugly like only we can with each other. I will continue to be unavailable. I will continue my process. I just don't know how I'm going to get over loving him when I know that every step he's taking right now is on the road we always wanted and thought we could travel on together. For the first time it seems that I picked that situation/relationship that reamins unresolved from my childhood and finally got a different outcome. Maybe. Maybe not.

October 11, 2001
5:27 pm
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Ladeska
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September 27, 2010
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Wow, this is interesting...and has elements of hope and progress for all concerned. Just keep your eyes and focus on "your road" and let him do what he has to do - for himself.

Some people stay on this road and others don't. So, just stay out of reach and at a distance way past the time of you thinking it's okay to walk closer. If it's the real deal with him - it will prove itself over the long haul and won't dump in the short one.

People who are good at being charming, are rather intelligent and who know your strings - can pull them easily enough but when it gets down to the brutal work of turning the corner and making real change - that is sometimes a different story. Talk is cheap - watch him walk and then continue to watch him walk and then watch some more....

In the meantime - take care of you and become a person that is emotionally independent.

October 11, 2001
5:27 pm
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gingerleigh
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*hug* Keep the faith, 1dvsgirl.

October 12, 2001
11:21 am
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1dvsgirl
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Thanks girls - this one really hit me from left field and I'm just to cynical to put a lot of hope into it. At the same time I know I'm too close to be objective about the situation so your input is GREATLY appreciated! gingerleigh- did you catch the thunderstorms on Wed night? Thinking about you this morning while I was at Starbucks - it's going to be one of those days;)

October 12, 2001
11:33 am
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gingerleigh
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Ya, the storm was pretty cool, didn't get anything real outlandish downtown, but the lightning was really amazing, a welcome treat at 1am, something different. Folks at work who live north of here mentioned that it was pretty spectacular up their way.

Have a great Friday, Ladies. Cheers!

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