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Everyone hates the woman I love! Please Help!
April 20, 2001
3:27 pm
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pg lova
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When I first started high school, I met a girl who I'll call Mary. She was initially in an abusive relationship and I helped her get out. Now, she and I are falling deeply in love and I've thought about proposing marriage. The only thing that has been stopping me is that my whole family hates Mary. The see all of her shortcomings, which no doubt she has. But, they fail to see her loving, compassionate, understanding side. Even when I went through hell and high water she stood by me and vice versa. What should I do? Do I listen to my family, or go with my feelings? I really want their blessing before I walk down the aisle and say I do. Most of all, I want this marriage to symbolize a bond between her family and mine. But this bond is impossible if everyone hates her. What should I do?

April 20, 2001
5:47 pm
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janes
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Wait....this may not be the message you want to hear...but take time.

Personally...although the perfect thing would be a bond between families this is a bond between the two of you. It won't help tho' if your family is not accepting of her.

Have you asked them point blank what the problems are? If they give you a long list of bad things make sure that you ask them to please also name some good things too. No one person is all bad. Let us know what they see as the bad stuff. What do you see as the good stuff.

How old are the two of you? Is this your first relationship? How old will you be when you marry?

If she was in an abusive relationship what counseling has she had to help resolve the issues of WHY she stayed in that relationship? It may sound silly but if the relationship had lasted very long she may have some self esteem issues that are not apparent to you.

She needs time to develop a strong sense of self...apart from you..so that if the two of you do marry she is still a strong individual on her own as you are.

I always advise people to take lots of time before marriage to be a single person...have a life away from Mom and Dad and understand what living on you own is all about.

I belieive that marriages should last forever....that is why I think we should all take plenty of time before taking that step.

April 20, 2001
6:35 pm
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Molly
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In addition to Janes list of questions for you, did she have any time inbetween the abusive relationship, and your relationship? Has she ever spent a legnthy period of time not in a relationship? Has she gone to school? Does she have her own intrests? Does she work? Are you both able to spend time appart, and come back together with out feeling insecure? Age is signifigant, and there is no rush.

April 20, 2001
9:24 pm
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joshua
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i can somewhat understand your troubles. i fell in love w/a woman who'd been abused sexually as a child, physically/mentally through her teen years, and all 3 in a 6 year marriage.
from all i've experienced and learned, counseling/therapy are essential, and it is so very difficult for not only her but you as well. i quit often had to listen to negative relatives/friends and such. the truth is that only the 2 people involved really know what is happening, which makes it difficult for loved ones to offer "fair" evaluated advice.
your family wants what is best for you and that is good. sometimes in a situation we cannot see cleary. only when we step back and look from an outside vantage point can we reach clarity. think of all the times you gazed at a friend's personal life and could not understand what they were thinking.
i got my girlfriend out of her abusive marriage and into counseling. i also took time off, even though it was extremely difficult, so she could get her life together. she has made enormous strides w/the physical & sexual abuse , but the mental abuse is the hardest b/c it encompases all 3 and more. it takes alot of time and love to get past mental abuse.
my family has the same opinions as yours, and this is my advice. if the woman you love has entirely separated herself from this abuse, been healed through counseling/therapy, had time to get her life together w/o you, you've both been together a reasonable amount of time after this healing, and have maintained a strong/loving relationship, then i think it is fine for you both to wed. also, the Bible talks of leave & cleave. when one enters marriage they must leave their respected family for their new one. their partner must be the number one priority in their life other than God. as for family union remember this. abuse is cyclical to various degrees, and it is likely that she grew up in an abusive household. if so, it might be difficult for them to accept you and you them. it might also be difficult for them to accept your family and vice versa, assuming many intangibles.
if the things mentioned above have not come to pass, then you're asking for a time bomb and stress like you've never encompased. not only will you have to manage normal marriage problems, but you'll have to battle her past abuse, your family, and hers, and the abuse will almost certainly be past on to your children as well no matter how hard you try to prevent it. i tried it the hard way at age 24 and lost nearly 20 pounds and grey hairs started to grow. it nearly destroyed my life.
think about all these things, evaluate them carefully, and understand that if you both love one another so deeply, then you can surely trade 6 months, 1 year, or 2 years, for over 50 years of a loving marriage.
anything worth having is worth waiting for.

April 23, 2001
11:23 pm
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pg lova
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Thank everyone for your words of wisdom. The road still seems quite rough right now, but I will make some progress afterwhile. In fact, I am presently striving to find myself before I even think about getting married. I mean I'm only 20 and she's 21 if we're truly meant to be we will last for a while before we take that big step.

April 24, 2001
9:40 am
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malaikau
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Dear pg,

What wise words you have to offer about your own process!!! You have a lot to be proud of! You're really on the right track. Patience is truly a virtue. I hope your partner understands this as you are making the right decision!

Mal

April 24, 2001
10:57 am
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Kimberly Anne
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Well I think you need to go with what you feel and not let your family make your decisions for you-you are a adult who does not need approval or do you?

I would go with my own insticts, and know that people are not perfect. I do not work or have many other interests outside of my home and my husband and child are the center of my world and i am very very happy!

I do gardening and make crafts that we all enjoy and I am a very fulfilled person. If she has been a good friend to you and you love her- then maybe you need to lean on your own understanding and accept that we all come with baggage and no one is perfect!

Best of luck to you too!

Kimberly Anne

April 24, 2001
8:15 pm
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Molly
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Your so young, if I had a son, I would suggest he wait until he was 30 before thinking of marriage. See the world, establish your profession, date all types of women, but you have the rest of your life to be tied down and married. Scuba in Aruba, snorkel in figi, work at a Club Med, go to school, join the peace corps, live live live......... think about how expensive tickets are for a laker game, don't you want to see one of those live???? Ok, so your independently wealthy allready, got the Ferarri, and the Armani suit, but travel........ Join the monks in Tibet, learn meditation, grow trees, and sell fruit, do something, anything, but obcess over this.

April 25, 2001
2:23 pm
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Cici
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My sister married a man that no one in my family liked. She has alienated herself from the family and now calls regularly only to get money from my parents.

Sometimes, when everyone in your life who loves you and cares about you has reservations about a person you care for, there are real reasons that should be addressed. Communication is essential. communicate what her past has been like and they should accept her. Only if they reject her then can you be justified.

I see my sister suffering now for the choices she made. It hurts me to see her like this. In pain, lonely, struggling. She has a big heart and is very giving, and her husband constantly uses her because of that.

Just be sure, ok? This is serious stuff. Don't end up like my sister.

May 6, 2001
1:27 am
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Kimberly Anne
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My husbands family doesn't like me and my husband doesn't talk to them for their lack of respect of me.

My past is no ones business, I grew up abused and hurt and people sense this but you know what? its none of THEIR business.

Maybe its the family who is controlling here? I am not a perfect person but i sure do deserve my privacy and so do others who somtimes get singled out cause we are private people who have been wounded.

My husbands family is cruel to him and now he sees them for what they are cause i pointed it out to him. He say awful things about him that are not true and I make a point to show the truth whenever possible.

Sometimes our families are not healthy and are very controlling as ours were, we are happy without them in our lives, for the first time really!

Just my two cents!

May 7, 2001
10:56 am
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Cici
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We still talk to my sister. But it's terrible. We are forced to give her cash secretly or her husband will demand it for himself. He constantly pressures her to put his name on her trustfund. He neglects her and their twins. He is selfish and cruel and abusive.

I still faithfully drive up to see her and help her with my neices every other weekend or so. But I can't talk to her husband - he always makes rude, smart, cruel remarks. My Mom drives up to see her and help her out. My terminally ill father has even attempted the drive once or twice, with dire results.

But not ONCE has she driven to see her own father or mother. She still loves us, she reminds us, but until we accept her husband, tho he refuses to talk to us, she will remain isolated. That seems like a sad, sad life.

May 7, 2001
12:55 pm
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Molly
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Does he make it to hard for her? perhaps she doesn't trust him alone with the children, or can't handle the drive with all the kids. How long has she been married, this sounds like total controll, isolation, hmmmmmmm domestic violence?
Sounds like she needs to have money diverted into a run away fund, for a run away day. When the opportunity comes up pictures say a thousand words Cici, show her who she was before , and now, I bet there is a physical change.

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