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Ever broken up with someone who maintained icy silence (the opposite of begging us to take them back)?
May 29, 2007
10:36 am
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gracenotes
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Strong,

Icy silence. And, I am making this statement having had the silence and also the emailing, calling, etc. done to me, and also being one who did the icy silence and, in one case, did the calling, emailing, pursuing stuff.

Silence gives one the opportunity to step back and heal. It is a closure of sorts. Calling, pursuing etc., is, in my opinion, much more unhealthy and at its worst it can escalate into stalking or worse. With this behavior escalated, the other person, the pursuer, has already put a part of your identity into them, which is not healthy at all. That sounds nuts, but that's what happens, and the pursuer feels like they "lost" a part of themselves when you left and, if they are sick enough, they will do just about anything to get this back. I think the stories of stalking, and, at their worst, murders, have a lot to do with this kind of dynamic.

The problem with silence is, although there is No Contact, there's still the question of closure. But, there are many ways of attaining closure. For me, the most helpful was talking, talking, and more talking. Talking with friends and, in the case of worst breakups, there were always friends to talk to, truth tellers as it may be, who knew the person and had similar kinds of experiences with them. There was a pattern with others, I was not the only one this happened to.

That wasn't the whole answer, there was still this inner process of letting go. But, I think closure is possible, despite the silence, or because of the silence. Probably more because of the silence. person's ongoing crazy behavior and hurtful actions towards others became known to me.

May 29, 2007
5:22 pm
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lovemedo
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Gracenotes, you are right about not having closure when silence rules. There is always the feeling that this is respite and not an ending. That's why I am so scared of him calling. Do I really want closure? If I did, then I would have mailed him to that effect and, knowing him, I would definitely never hear from him again. See........so confused.

May 29, 2007
8:01 pm
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gracenotes
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lovemedo,

There can be closure with silence. And, my silence was initiated with No Contact, and making a commitment to this and stayed with it. Not easy, a long process, but I am doing it. Making a commitment to No Contact is a way of feeling in control of the situation too. Often, its the only way. If they call, or email, if we are in No Contact, then we don't respond. Period.

It sounds like you need to think about what you would do if he calls, so you don't feel powerless if he does. Would a commitment to No Contact be a solution for you?

Closure is a gradual process. It is the result of time away from the person, talking with friends, hopefully talking with people who know the person.

Maybe I was not clear in my post, but, after about six months of No Contact, there is closure. I have no reason to even want any contact anymore. It is over, done. Even if I ran into ex-n, I would have no desire to want to do anything about it. It is done, and it can be done for you too.

May 29, 2007
9:30 pm
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balancesekr
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Very cool thread, it is very interesting to read everyones posts.

stronginhim, I think you are right on with your analysis on the two different approaches of breakup follow up.

I have had two breakups that ended with the icy silence, done, finito, completely OVER! And YES, I felt rejected and destroyed... but I had pushed the relationship to that place, I made the bed and there I laid.

What gracenotes wrote is so true "The problem with silence is, although there is No Contact, there's still the question of closure."
I did not feel closure with the icy silence, I keep wondering and feeling sad.

If I initiated the breakup in the past, when I used to pay attention to my feelings and move on, when the person would stay in contact, it just made no sense to me, I had moved on. I guess it could be looked at as cold, or perhaps that is the healthy way to break up, you are broken up, its over, go away.

Today, my bf means a lot to me and if we were to cut contact it would be really sad, but maybe necessary. I find that if you have genuine feelings for each other and it just isnt working out, then it is more amicable and you may know that in the future you may talk again but healing time needs to happen.

May 29, 2007
9:49 pm
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fantas
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Since I usually maintain the no contact, I appreciate reading what Gracenotes has written about closure. I guess the other persom might have somethings they'd want to say. 2 of my ex boyfriends didn't want closure, they wanted to talk me back into taking them back. I'll have to evaluate each situation differently. Great thread. Thank you

May 30, 2007
12:34 pm
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gracenotes
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fantas,

I think I got closure also by all the emails I sent. And that was even though the other party got angered by my emails and explanations and labeled me some kind of fruitcake and harasser and occasionally lashed out at me through the silence. It was important to tell my story to this person for closure. The problem was that I told it over and over again, so I overdid it and it was getting to be an obsession unto itself, but it did help in my healing process, along with working through Pia Mellody's books Facing Love Addiction and Facing Codependence, talking with people who also know this person. Also, seeing a licensed therapist for awhile who I did EMDR with to help me remove this obsession and develop healthier thoughts about me.

What also helped was No Contact and really, really thinking about how I can empower myself to live the life I truly want to live and not settling. So, a lot of my healing has been also about being the creative artistic type I am, getting busy with that, going back to school, making a career change, putting my energies into expressing myself.

This healing from these kinds of relationships and relationship patterns, its a big undertaking but totally worth it and, in the end, I get to understand this whole thing has really been more about me than about the other person. To me, its more than closure, its also finding answers (which I am still working on) so nothing like this ever happens again.

May 30, 2007
1:38 pm
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glittered when he walked
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hmmm..well for me..if I'm done with someone, I don't bluff or waffle if you prefer. If i'm done w/ someone because the relationship is dysfunctional and cannot be repaired then why would i engage in it anew unless it can be demonstarted that it can be repaired by eliminating/minimizing the dysfunction? To me it seems some folks are so emotional that they exaggerate what they really intend or mean and so they may initially feel like breaking up, but then they have a change of heart. Others are more applied in their approach - they take a lot but keep on chugging until they have had enough and then it's over.

No right or wrong in it but i wonder which is easier over short term, which over the long term?

My ex is the kind who gives a good bit but when she doesn't get as much in return...lookout! She was seeing this guy while we were separated 9well even before then) and when they had a falling out..she said "i'm done with him...then she'd be sending him like 20 text messages a day...saying nasty stuff. to me, that was so childish..either you are done with someone or you aren't - but that's me and that's probably reason #28 why I am moving out.

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