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Ever broken up with someone who maintained icy silence (the opposite of begging us to take them back)?
May 26, 2007
5:01 pm
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StronginHim77
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This topic came up on one of the other threads and I think it is important enough to warrant discussion.

Sometimes, we break up with someone who continues to call, text message, email and attempt to visit us. Other times, we break up with someone who withdraws into icy silence.

I think the first type (the one, begging for continued contact) might make us feel guiltier? And the second type might make us feel more rejected?

I would welcome hearing from others how your former (or "about-to-be" former) partners have responded to the break-up and how their reaction/response has made you feel?

Thanks.

- Ma Strong

May 26, 2007
5:12 pm
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fantas
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Ma Strong...Since I tend to leave and never look back. I tend to completely ignore the attempts for contact from the other person. All my exs I broke up with and all tried at some point to want to come back or talk about things but I was done and I stuck to that. My last ex stalked me for about a year and then he moved to the farthest part of the country that he could possibly move to. My problem was that I stayed in the relationship until I was completely worn out. I think I'd like it if an ex didn't bother me after we broke up. I have also never dated someone who loved me enough to want to come back in a way that wasn't egotistical. Their pride was hurt and they couldn't accept that. even when I obssess over people which I do, I still so don't contact them, I just allow my head to go crazy with thoughts but no contact. Or I can every once in a long while send a very functional, non-committal, non-clingy e-mail. I am always afraid to be seen like a psycho:)

May 26, 2007
5:33 pm
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atalose
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About a year after my divorce I began to date this guy, he was nice and had been divorced himself for about 5 years. I took things slow but he wanted this instant relationship and was even talking about me selling my house and moving into his with my kids. He also began talking about having kids of our own this was after about 6 or 7 dates over the course of a couple of months. I never slept with him, thank god and we never discussed being exclusive or anything like that. He began to call my house several times a day and night. He began driving past my house and my work. This behavior made me pull way back and not want to have anything to do with him, he was not taking no for an answer. His stalking psycho behavior made me become icy silent.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 26, 2007
5:46 pm
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loverbee
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I am going to tell you that I have been the person to give icy silence. I know I knnow it isn't the best way to handle things but I was only 16 and I was cheated on...with nine different girls...and the dumbass actually invited us all to a beach party where we met to discover his assness. So I think that it may depend on why you broke up.

May 26, 2007
5:57 pm
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For me icy silence is easier and confirms what I thought about him and the relationship. It also tells me that we are both ready to move on.

Oh sure I want sometimes to have some contact and know how they are doing or do I really want to know? It can be a form of torture if they phone or email even monthly to check in. I would rather end it for good ... his good and mine. Next?

May 26, 2007
6:05 pm
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cyndra820
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I tried the "being friends" thing but it didn't work. So, for me silence is definitely preferable. I like having absolutely no contact with him. If I saw him on the street I'd not even acknowledge him.

May 26, 2007
6:30 pm
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lovemedo
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Ma.....now I'm confused. Could you please explain to me the difference between the No Contact philosophy that I thought was being encouraged by you guys and the icy silence you are talking about. Have I missed something?

May 26, 2007
6:37 pm
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StronginHim77
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Hi, lovemedo -

Sorry for any confusion. I wasn't addressing the "No Contact" philosophy here. Actually, I was trying to get some feedback on whether it's easier on our emotions to NEVER hear from our ex's again, or to have them contact us and BEG to get back in our lives. Is this making sense?

I believe in -- and try to adhere to -- strict "No Contact" (other than what would be legally necessary in a divorce case or when children are involved). But some comments on another thread got me wondering if it's harder never to hear from them after we leave them, or have them attempt contact?

Hope this clarifies.

- Ma

May 26, 2007
6:44 pm
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feelingfree
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My ex maintained icy silence for over a year. I broke NC only to write something that showed him I had forgiven the past, took responsibility for my part in things and wished him well. I guess he felt "safe" at that point to contact. I was able to talk to him with a whole new understanding of the person he always was (N), with no emotions attached. And I was only able to get complete 'closure' after hearing from him. I think icy silence is better because it allows us to focus on moving forward and gives us time to forgive.

May 26, 2007
7:13 pm
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fantas
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Strong...for those who are able to do it, I think that icy cold is definitely better. Otherwise, why break up in the fast place if you are not completely done with each other. As Feeling... has said, it gives each person time to heal themselves and take ownership of their part in the relationship. I do think that people do break up when they are not completely done with the relationship, hence the drama...

May 27, 2007
6:02 am
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lovemedo
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Ma....yes I see what you mean. I agree that the silence makes things easier and does give time to heal. That is what is happening with me right now. However.....as for having contact at some point in the future to have a rational discussion about the past so that closure can finally occur.....I have my doubts. I think M and I both know that any contact would be tantamount to a "fix" and we'd be back on the merry-go-round. To me it would be like meeting a fellow recovering drug addict to discuss how awful it all was whilst sharing a line or whatever. No thank you.

May 27, 2007
6:54 am
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healintime
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Good question, Ma, as always.

I broke up with my four year college boyfriend - we were living together and had become part of each other's families. Things had been just "not right" for some time and I told him that I didn't think I could be in teh relationship the way it was anymore. He was distraught but I left to go stay with my folks and a few days later wanted to talk things over - he said there was nothing to talk about, that I had been right. Aaand... that was it. I mean, literally, no more contact. Ever. He met someone, she was moved into "our" house about a month later and they were engaged within a year.

Icy silence after you've talked about the breakup? I think that's healthy. But in that instance there was no talking things through, no closure and a complete about face from him - one minute hysterical and the next minute beyond icy. I felt like I had been summarily dismissed and totally erased. Breaking up was the right thing to do - and by no means did I want it to drag out - but I felt really replaceable and I think that one (first serious relationship) definitely affected how I handled(hendle?) commitment.

I think moving on is healthy - but I think closure is part of being able to move on in a healthy way.

H x

May 27, 2007
12:19 pm
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2bstrong
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Hello Ma, hello friends.

My ex-fiance and partner of ten and a half years broke off our engagement and proceeded with silence. I don't know if it was icy, but he didn't initiate contact with me. I contacted him intermittently for about three months after the break up, and then that was it. I had a "closure" meeting with him six months after the break-up and haven't heard from him since. That was 20 months ago. It seems weird to have been that close with someone and to never speak again.

healintime, your post touched me in an "ouchy" way because I'm going through something similar with a man that I dated for three months who talked of marriage, living together, sharing duties, adopting children, etc. Two weeks ago we had our first and ONLY conflict. He said somethings that were completely the opposite of what he'd been telling me for the past three months, and stung, I said "maybe we should part ways?" Well he agreed. I hung up both angry and shocked AND hurt. I reached out to him a few days later, telling him that the way it ended bothered me, and said how much I had grown to care for him in the past three months. He has not responded to the note. Silence. It hurts very much as I did not see this in him.

I would prefer no contact after someone has ended it, but it is very difficult at the beginning. I wrestled with rejection (and still do) for months. Letting go of love takes a lot of healing time, and there is no right or wrong way to do it.

May 27, 2007
1:20 pm
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sdesigns
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"I do think that people do break up when they are not completely done with the relationship, hence the drama... "

Fantas: Very wise words. I think that describes what I do, over and over again. I get in a relationship that I know isn't going to be right, struggle with it, know I should get out,don't really want to...so I break up with someone when I really don't want to but know that I should. It takes a few times for it to stick and for me to really convince myself its best. I broke up with someone on May 5, but this time I know its the last time. It was all played out and there is no going back. I still care very much for this person but know there is no future for us, and we just are too different to ever mesh.

What is hard though is being so close to someone and then they are completely out of my life. He was my best friend and really helped me thru a hard time- and now I will never get to speak with him again. Sometimes I wonder whether its worth getting close to someone, knowing that they are going to having to make an exit never to be heard from again.

SD

May 27, 2007
4:20 pm
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healintime
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Hi 2B,

Ouch back at you - I've had that happen before. Ma would probably have some feedback there, I think she once called it "devalue and discard."

And it actually strikes a chord with my four year boyfriend - we never really fought. Wrong word there - disagreed. Not because I didn't have any differences of opinion, mind you, but he had a way of dismissing, or giving me a kind of puzzled look. In short, a decade later I can look at it objectively as a not very healthy relationship. First time, ever, I said "I can't go on this way" - poof, it was over. Appearances were very important to him and he was extremely singleminded about his wants, needs and goals. Looking back it was kind of like two paper cut outs playing house.

I'm sorry about your breakup, having someone disapper on you that way after a whirlwind can be very disorienting. Hope your heart heals soon.

H x

May 27, 2007
8:26 pm
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Good question, Strong.

Antique story.... I was close to engaged to my college bf, and while i was studying abroad, I learned he was "dating" a mutual "friend" and was probably cheating on me. I thought about it for a while, and then wrote him a Dear JOhn letter and allowed myself to date again, which I think the separation had helped me realize I wanted to do.

We had no more contact for almost a year. Then he tried to see me again, but I refused. He tried to say he had not cheated. I just refused to talk about it. Not only was I certain that he DID cheat, but I no longer liked him much and felt like there would never be any trust again.

He tried to worm his way back through my family, a lot of whom really liked him.

Finally, distance and "cold icy" got my point across.

But guess what!? HE CALLED ME late one Christmas eve decades later when our son was in college.....I talked to him for a long time. He was recently divorced. I think he was calling to see if I was single again as well.

Really flattering, but OH what a relief that I did not stay or get back with him.

About the pleading and promising to "never do it again"........I think if someone is heard apologizing for the same thing twice, he/she has to be considered ..... a liar.

May 27, 2007
8:53 pm
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doubleloss
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Hi Ma, I'm back. Good question. Well, you know all my drama with xbf. I LIKE it when he has attempeted to talk to me, or invite me out or whatever kind of attention. I was dumped so for me it has been a monumental task not to contact him, but i've done it. and I know that i don't like it when he doesn't talk to me, I wish he was calling and begging for forgiveness. I think either way sucks...who wants to be rejected?

May 28, 2007
1:28 am
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fantas
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I heard somewhere that "every rejection is a new direction"

May 28, 2007
2:21 am
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foolfoolfool
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If only! I WISH I HAD "ICY SILENCE" in me. For me at this time all i WANT to do is let her know what a bitch she is. I struggle daily with the thought that she is out there believing that i still love her, oblivious to my inconslable pain. I DONT want her to think i wish her well or even to have nice memories of me. I WANT her to HURT!!!!! Shes SO friggin self absorbed that if i give her icy silence she will just think that i am being nice & considerate of her new relationship.
How do you give icy silence BUT ensure they know youre NOT doing it for nice reasons???

For that matter HOW do i get the crazy bitch out of my head so i CAN move on & not care less about her in ANYWAY.
PLEASE MAKE HER VANISH FROM MY THOUGHTS.

I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!

May 28, 2007
3:14 am
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fantas
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Fool...in order for you to take her out of your head, you have to truly accept her for the "bitch" she is and to not expect, even in you head that she could be anything else. When you accept that, you will then realize that you angels who are watching over you, have protected you from a lot of hurt and pain by removing her from your life. When you really see her for who she is, do you still want her with you? Do you even care what she thinks or feels? Do you want to spend another one of your precious minutes thinking about her? Hang in there!!

May 28, 2007
9:38 am
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foolfoolfool
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Fantas

I wonder??? could YOU be one of those "angels"?... You just seem to KNOW.

Thank you

May 28, 2007
10:45 am
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Desert Moon
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Ma,
Thanks for your post, it gives me alot to think about!

Fantas, I don't know how you do it. I admire that you can maitain silence, even when obsessive thoughts fill your head.

I have tried to walk away from M several times because of commitment issues he is unable to face. No, he is not wrong, just not on the same page. So I walk away, strong and full of determination. And anger. I try to hold on to the anger, because it's the ONLY way I can stay away. But then a few days go by and I am a mess. Cant eat, sleep, obsessing. So I text, and he answers. And slowy we get our footing back and the pattern repeats itself.

So we have tried to go a different route this time, friends now, no expectations, because the friendship is more important that the commitment thing, or we would have been history a long time ago. It has only been a short time, so I don't know what the future holds, just taking it a day at a time. I just know If I (or he) decides to walk away next time, it will have to be permanent. And I will have to go the ice silence route, no matter how much it hurts. So if that comes to pass I will probably need lots of your support (especially Fantas ! 🙂 )

May 28, 2007
4:34 pm
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lovemedo
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Desert, good luck with the friendship. I hope it works out for you. I can relate to what you say about holding on to the anger for a few days, followed by obsessing then texting. I'm in that situation now. When I'm angry I never want to speak to him again. then, an hour or so later I can't imagine life without him. I sway from one extreme to another. Is that normal? My fear is that if he ever contacts me again and I'm in the needy part of the day, I will undo all the good work the NC for the last 4 weeks has done for me.

May 28, 2007
4:39 pm
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lovemedo
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Fool, I really feel for you right now. I have felt the same, an almost hysterical anger. And you're right, you want them to know you are hurting, you want them to feel guilty about it and you would be delighted to know they are not happy. But these destructive thoughts do pass. It is very raw for you at the moment and maybe some of that anger is aimed at yourself, for putting up with the lies for so long. But hang in there. Don't let the anger eat away at you or she has won. You deserve better. She has already hurt you enough. Give yourself time to heal, and try not to let your own dark thoughts consume you. You need to take care of you right now. Keep posting. (((HUG)))

May 28, 2007
5:19 pm
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fantas
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Fool, lol at the angel part. Well, let's just say the more I go through the drama wringer, the more I realize that I just have to stay true to me in all ways and not allow other people's opinions and actions affect me to much.

Desert...When I obssess, I work myself over like pizza dough and then some but it's taking less time and I am able to manage my emotions and thoughts better now. Kinda like watching a scary movie and actually being in a scary situation in real life. The emotions of fear are the same but the outcome is different...

Right now I am dealing with flashbacks from my past and I am having to calm myself and keep reminding myself that I am not living the frightening experience anymore. It all feels the same...

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