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Evaluation of my life
October 6, 2003
4:47 am
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guyfinesse
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Here's my story, I've been thru a divorce just recently with who i was miserably married to for 6 years (argued and fought on a daily basis). Although i love her (i think), but i get confused with co-dependency. maybe im just used to her, and since she was my first wife it made it more special in a title sense. however, her major problems totally makes me unlove her (such as her verbal abuse, tough love attitude, etc..) Maybe because im a LEO or asian, and i need a girl whose more submissive and understanding than her. Well, since the divorce, i realize i lost myself along out the door along with the marriage. B4 her, i had a very active dating life, and now i feel without her, in a sense i feel empty. Although im 28, i look alot of risks in my life and was successful. I started a business at 19, got married at 21, and quit college. i look at my life objectively.. im also tall, goodlooking, i make six figures, but yet my personality doesnt reflect my confidence which i should be having after my divorce. i know perhaps i should have time to heal, but im scared what if my self-esteem never recovers because i was with her for soo long that i feel that im a loser to have gotten a divorce. Along with that, i also have abandonment issues, and my personality is sometimes flaky.. i can be a real nice guy, but i can also break hearts. Sometimes i feel i dont know who i am, and why i ACT SO MUCH ON IMPULSE since i was born. My therapist said i live on the edge, and i am very very impulsive. For business, i act logical, but for my personal life, im very unstable and impulsive.. I have control issues, as well as wanting to be loved and never abandoned by my love that, that if i suspect my ex wife was going to leave me, i prepare a backup or two for myself which then i get caught for and fullfill my own self-fullfilling prophecy. I know what im doing too, but i still act on impulse =P sigh.... My emotional life at this point is a mess.. Any advice what i can do to restore my self-confidence and image of myself.

October 6, 2003
10:37 am
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mj
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Hi guyfinesse...and thanks for sharing your story.

I think that evaluating your life is a great place to start.
Alot of us have learned alot of unhealthy behaviors in childhood that we don't even know are unhealthy.

I use to think that if I looked good, and people gave me attention, I must be ok. Wrong.

I didn't get alot of attention growing up. My attention started when the opposite sex, men started asking me out. I have spent a majority of my life, searching for love in all the wrong places.

So, looking at your self honestly, without any facades is a great start in developing self-love.

Alot of us determine our self-esteem, or self-worth upon others. Seems like a national epidemic.

Glad you are here posting and trying to take some steps for yourself. I have been doing a major overhaul for many years and its just one day at a time, one step at a time, and lots of back tracking.

October 6, 2003
3:28 pm
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Ladeska
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What was your relationship with your mother like?

October 7, 2003
2:55 am
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guyfinesse
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thanks... well, my mother and i was ok i guess.. cant remember much because she divorced my dad at age 7.. before that, she was havng too much emotionally problems with my dad to take care much of me..my dad was phyiscally abuse and cheated on my mom (ever watched Joyluck Club - how Rusell Wong treated his wife after they married.. well, that was like dejavu to me. .except the baby grew up instead of drowning and that's me today).. anyways.. so my grandmother took care of me, however she was verbally and physically abuse until one day i couldnt take it anymore and kicked her ass, beat up my step mom, and almost killed my dad with a bitcher knife because of some stupid argument...basically, eventually because of that, my anger got hte best of me and i used it (anger) to rebel against my mother also for abondoning me thru their divorce and i evnetually joined Wa-Ching (asian gang) to feel like "fuck this b/s attitude" and take it out on the world that owes me for my negative karma they gave me. However, got over it later and became more emotionally stable after i felt i was getting what i wanted out of life... money, girls, wealth,, power... then things fell apart when i thought i fell in love with my ex, got married, and things started falling apart. I even stayed loyal to my ex for 5 freaking years which i sorta regretted because i had opportunities to have side biatches again, but i didnt (hated my father who cheated on my mom, so i vowed i wouldnt do it to my wife)..

October 7, 2003
3:06 am
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guyfinesse
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in addition, i 4got to mention.. i have some issues that i have problems dealing with:

control & power issues, anger issues, resentment issues, vindicative issues, abandonment issues, fear of getting advantage of or getting stepped on.. rather i would do the opposite and turn the tables thru calculativeness and planning to make sure im the standing victor (like i did with my ex wife when i hid my assets, property, stocks, offshore accounts 8 mo, b4 the divorce).. basically.. altho i feel im on top of things and nobody can touch me.. however, i feel pretty dark in my heart alot of times and loniless.. esp now my ex left..

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