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Eternaloptimist struggling with control issues
January 8, 2005
9:12 am
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eternaloptimist
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Hi All!

I haven't posted a thread for a while, so here I am back for some support.

I have been getting stronger every day, but I still struggle with my wife calling me on a daily basis. Since filing for divorce a few weeks ago, my wife and I agreed we would try to remain friendly to each other. The issue I am facing is my wife has a chemical inbalance. She might be bi-polar.

For about one week every month she loses it and spews all kinds of mental abuse on me. When I don't answer the phone, she leaves these awful messages telling me how I am a no good piece of shit. I don't believe any of it, but it sure doesn't give me a reason to answer the phone or even call her back.

She went psycho on me this week. She entered my house while I was sleeping on Monday night and went through my wallet and my personal files. When I woke up and noticed it, she started calling me before I had a chance to call her and ask what the hell was going on. She has a right to this house because it's still hers too, but she hasn't lived here since the 1st of November.

I have let her control me by answering the phone when she calls. I finally told her on Tuesday night that I didn't want to be in the same room with her unless there is someone else with us. She has threatened me with restraining orders and other things. I am now afraid of what she is capable of.

She removed a bunch of stuff from the house on Tuesday while I was at work. I now lock the doors (she has a garage door opener, but I can lock the door from the garage to the house). I can't legally keep her out until the divorce is final or if she tries to physically harm me.

I guess I am looking for some support here as I feel I'm doing the right thing by cutting all contact with her. I feel like even trying to have a superficial conversation with her gives her some sort of control over me.

After the psycho episode earlier this week, she then comes to my house yesterday crying for forgiveness. I fell for that last week, and I'm NOT going to fall for it again!

What should I be doing now to get the closure this relationship needs?

Eternal

January 8, 2005
9:52 am
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readyforachange
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Eternal...

you have every right to protect yourself and your belongings, even if it is from the person you share a home with. I went to a lawyer to ask that question.

When my STBX left and turned his keys over to my son, he continued to come into the house every day when we were all gone. He'd open my mail, listen to my answering machine messages, go through the computer's history, and go through my briefcase and files.

My lawyer advised me to change the locks. Legally, I couldn't because I didn't have an order of protection, but he said the only thing that would happen if he tried to get in was the police would make me change the locks back. I didn't change the locks, but I changed the code for the garage door opener and started locking a lock on the front door that he didn't have a key to. As soon as I did, he broke down the front door to get in. Broad daylight, neighbors all home...didn't bother to call and ask me if I could come let him in.

At that point, my kids were afraid and so was I. If he would do something like this stone sober, what would happen when he had gone out drinking? He had threatened me and was verbally abusive for years.

I got an order of protection. The only way he is allowed to contact me is through email, and believe me, I get some pretty scathing emails from him. He can call and talk to the kids, but not to me. He has broken the order at least 4 times by calling and asking to talk to me or coming up to my front door. I haven't had the guts to call the cops when he does, but I document it every time.

If you fear that she will harm you or your belongings, get an order of protection. You do not have to have evidence of physical violence in my state - maybe yours is different. Threats and mental abuse are often enough, it depends on the judge you get according to my lawyer.

You said she has threatened with restraining orders...would she have grounds to obtain one? She may tell the court you have been abusive, as these orders are based on what the person seeking the order tells the court. You may want to talk to a lawyer and seek an order before she does.

It sounds like she is mentally unstable, and you have taken control away from her. As soon as I stopped playing my husband's games, and refusing to ride the roller coaster of emotions with him, he got more and more out of control. I watched him deteriorate over the course of 2004...he refused to allow me to sleep in our bed, told my kids I was having an affair, told my kids I was poisoning his food, removed all of my pictures from our home...it was just insane. The more healthy and healed I became, the crazier he seeemed to be. My son even commented one day that he thought his dad was bipolar...and there are many symptoms. He has been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, and prescribed Buspar, which he either doesn't take, or takes and mixes with alcohol.

So anyway, I'm rambling, but it sounds like many of your issues are like mine....I can relate; and the best advice I can give you is act from your head not your heart. Stay strong, and do what you can to protect yourself physically and mentally. This woman isn't going to change, and you can't fix her. You can take control of how you react to her and of your life.

Be well...

January 8, 2005
12:42 pm
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SweetAmanda
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Hi Eternal

It sure doesn't seem like she's making it very easy for you to remain friendly to each other.

You have every right to set up personal boundaries. I would suggest cutting her from your life completely. (unless children are involved)

I am bi-polar... Is she on any meds for it? I mean, I still do have mood swings, but they aren't nearly as bad as they used to be. But anyways, that is none of your concern: that is all history, right?

I just don't want to lead you in the wrong direction, back towards a coda with her. (Hugs to you)

Oh, and don't wait until she hurts you to do something to protect yourself! How many people would be saved pain if they acted sooner I wonder?

January 8, 2005
2:55 pm
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CAMER
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does she still "have" to contact you daily???maybe she is still in denial that the relationship is over...maybe she thinks there isn't a problem with her bipolar episodes....does she take meds for this.

Etern..you are doing all the right things by being nice to her, but don't get yourelf hurt physicaly and mentality with her outburts...other than talking with her when she is calm and coming to some conclusions...keep yourself protected in the process.

January 8, 2005
10:11 pm
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Eternal Brother,
This is your bro Bubishi speaking...
First of all, you are a strong good man. As I told you in my post, you can't leave the valley when I've just gotten here. The ladies in the valley will love nice guys like us. From a legal standpoint, Bro I'm a cop. She cannot initiate or enforce a restraining order when she is coming over to you and searching your stuff. If she wants to play that way, take one out on her. I wouldn't get wrapped into it though. I wonder if you and I were seeing the same woman. You know not to let her control you like that. Get one of those alarms that you hook to the door that goes off when you open it, that way, if she comes back like that, it will wake you up. They're relativly in-expensive at most hardware stores. They take batteries and go off when you break the contact. You just have to remember to turn them on at night. She's just pissed because she can't control you anymore so she is doing all she can to get under your skin. Break the contact till she realizes that she can't do that anymore. Be Strong Bro. We're partying here in the valley of peace!!!!!!!! ;o)
~B~

January 9, 2005
9:45 am
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eternaloptimist
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*RESPONSES TO EVERYONE*

Ready, I appreciate your input. I blame myself partially for answering the phone when she calls sometimes. I know I am just giving her the control back. I struggle with what she has been doing lately, but find it difficult to believe she would follow through with any physical harm to me. I am more concerned about her well-being.

I actually feel sorry for her because I believe this is a sickness she has, and not just an attitude towards me. I now lock the doors so she can't get in.

SweetAmanda, I agree that I need to cut her from my life completely. I told her Friday to stop trying to contact me. I told her I would call her some day. She called last night at 11:30pm, and then again at 12:30am this morning. I didn't know until I saw my caller ID on my phone this morning. I will not be returning those calls.

Camer, she was telling me Friday that I am giving up too soon. This shit has been going on for almost 7 months. We have agreed to go to a counselor on three occasions, and she flipped out and didn't show for any of them. I told her I haven't given up, but she has. I am going through with the divorce. She basically has three months to get some serious help. My state has a cool-off period of three months. Thats why she has three months to make some serious changes.

Bubishi, I am headed to the valley. I am praying these bumps on the trail with smooth out soon. It is hard to walk away from a woman I have loved for over three years knowing she has a mental condition she can't control without some medical help. I think I am going to sit down with her parents and let them know how concerned I am about her condition.

The thing I dislike the most about this is...she is too embarrassed to admit to anyone she has problems. I told her that pissed me off because she is choosing her pride over our future. I can't control that, and I will not attempt to.

Eternal

January 9, 2005
10:08 am
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You're right, eternal...mental illness has a terrible stigma in our society even today. My husband never told ANYONE including me that he had been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, and lied about what the Buspar was for. I researched it on the internet when he had stopped taking it and I notice a SEVERE change in his behavior and the amount of drinking he was doing.

If she is embarrassed to admit her problems, and go to counseling, things are not going to get any better. She can't deal with the elephant in the living room untill she admits it's there. You can't make that happen. But you can move on, get healthy, and find a relationship that is good for you.

Take care of yourself...

January 9, 2005
10:22 am
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CAMER
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i agree with Ready, until she is ready to admit she has a problem, things will not get better. And yes, i think society puts alot of pressure with the mental illness..not understandign that these people never asked for this illness....they just have it, and society sometimes freaks at the word mental illness...its is far more common than most of us would think.

Again, there is nothing more you can do for her Eternal, you have done your best, the rest is up to her.
I wish you peace & happiness in the valley & glad tbat Bubishi is right there with you guiding you.

(((camer)))

January 9, 2005
12:11 pm
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eternaloptimist
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Thanks Ready & Camer!

I know what I have to do, but it's difficult doing it knowing there might be a chance if she would just seek the help she needs.

She has been on Prozac and Wellbutrin, but that almost seems to intensify her behaviors. In my opinion, she needs a second opinion and some counseling. You are both right...I have done all I can do.

I have been trying to move on the last few months, but dealing with her has only delayed it. Thanks for your words of support. I feel better now knowing I've done all I can do.

Eternal

January 9, 2005
5:11 pm
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eternaloptimist
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I can't believe it! I took my kids to a friends baptism today, and while I was gone she broke into the house through the garage door and went through my financial stuff again!

I've had it! After I drop off my kids, I'm going to her parents to talk to them about this. I feel violated! It is bullshit that I can't even leave my own house for a couple hours without her coming in here and messing around with something.

There is NOTHING to find!!!!!!! AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!

This sucks!

January 9, 2005
5:16 pm
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I really mean it about the restraining order.....

January 9, 2005
6:24 pm
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Eternal,
Did you notify the police of the break in??? Get the report filed that way it's easier for you to get the restraining order. Obviously she is losing it because she doesn't have control over you anymore. Bro, I know this hurts, believe me. I felt it when I found out that the girl I loved wasn't who she made herself out to be. Bro, let the law handle it, protect yourself.
~B~

January 9, 2005
7:32 pm
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SweetAmanda
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So in this valley... The guys are really kind? Sweet? Romantic?

Come on Eternal! Bubby and I will meet you there. I like to make people feel welcome, have get-togethers and stuff... It'll be fun.

(Hugs)

~Amanda~

January 9, 2005
8:02 pm
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Hey Eternal,
You can come to Mine and Amanda's place and we'll throw some stuff on the grill. I'm king of the grill, ya know?? Party all night long and wake up with lamp shades on our heads. ;o) It's beautiful here!!

Yes Amanda, In the Valley, Men and Women communicate and love each other and people live healthy, in peace. It's a great place. Hakuna-Matata.

~B~

January 9, 2005
9:06 pm
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bubishi76
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Hey Eternal,
Are you there Brother???? I've been worrying about you. Are you keeping strong?? we're not going to have any of this back sliding shit. I'm hooking a tow line to you like rock climbers wear. If you go, I go; No one gets left behind.

Brother- "You don't Drown by falling into water, Only by staying there" Time to get up and keep movin' on.

~Bubishi~

January 9, 2005
9:12 pm
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"You don't Drown by falling into water, Only by staying there"

I like that

January 9, 2005
9:17 pm
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CAMER
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Eternal...where are you...hey, i want to meet ya'll in the valley too, Eternal, Bub & Amanda...so peaceful, loving and caring people....so let's start grilling............oops, we have to find Eternal first....hope you are doing ok, please check back (((camer)))

January 10, 2005
7:58 am
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eternaloptimist
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Good morning SweetAmannda, Camer, and Bubishi.

Thanks for your concern for me last night. She walked in the house and insisted we talk. It is impossible for her to communicate rationally right now, so I told her no and asked her to leave.

She told me she wasn't leaving, so I called the police. She called me a pussy for calling them. Thats ok, it beat physically forcing her out of the house myself. I could never do that.

Anyway, she called later and left two messages concerning money and getting the rest of her stuff out of the house. I will call her and arrange that when I'm calmed down and ready.

I am ok. I just never imagined we would have to get the police involved in this. It's a real shame.

Eternal

January 10, 2005
9:13 am
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SweetAmanda
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You did the right thing.

I really have deep respect for you for calling the police. Honest. And then for you to be able to keep from doing anything irrational when she was so cruel.

(((Hugs))) I'm really sorry that it has come to this... You seem like such a wonderful guy.

*psst* hey, if bubby and I don't work out...... 😉

January 10, 2005
9:48 am
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Hi Etern: sometimes we have to do things (such as calling the cops) just to prove a point to her, now she knows you are not kidding. I am sure she still has alot of denial going on now....You did the right thing, and I wish you a peaceful & calm day!!!
((camer)))

January 10, 2005
10:06 am
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I agree with Camer....you did what you had to do to set the limits with her. These kind of people do not take subtleties and do not listen to calm, rational requests. It is a shame, but you have nothing to feel bad about. I get that guilty feeling sometimes for doing what I had to do to protect myself and my kids, because my STBX tells them I ruined his life. Actually, I saved mine.

The valley sounds great, although I don't know if I could ever be a "valley girl". Don't know the lingo. Entertaining is one of my fortes, though, so whenever the first party is planned, count me in. I'll be cooking for days....

January 10, 2005
11:09 am
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Hey Eternal,
Bro, I know this feels shitty having to turn to the law and all. I've always wondered what makes two people that were in love fall apart like that. That's why I don't believe you can break up and still be friends. I think that's what breaks a relationship in the first place. Here's the thing. Now that the law has responded, when she comes to get her things, have an officer there. YOu can request that he stay outside but is there just incase thigns get out of hand. Believe me, her knowing that he's there will change her attitude. SHe's just going through a meltdown now because she has no power over you. That's why she called you a pussy, to try and get your male pride hurt and cause you to lose it. Stay strong Bro, I know it hurts, but keep on in this smart manner. I'm with you.

Bro- "In the confrontation between the river and the rock, the river always wins... not through strength but by perserverance."

Amanda, are you tryin' to replace me??? ;o)

~B~

January 10, 2005
6:44 pm
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Thanks everyone!

I really draw a sense of strength from all of you. She called me today to talk about getting the rest of her things out of the house. She was very pleasant to me, so that was nice. I bended a little and told her if she could get her shit straight there might be a chance we could at least get to speaking terms. She asked me to call her anytime. I told her I have nothing to say to her right now.

Bubishi, this is for you my friend...not that the women here haven't helped me out, but to go through the exact same thing as you and being a man, I can't begin to tell you how much I have appreciated your feedback to me. We might be blood brothers! I have not had nor taken the opportunity to meet another woman, but the time will come. I'll feel alot better once all her stuff is gone. I think your right about the friendship thing after a tough breakup. I'm not being realistic thinking I can be friends with her some day. I'll get over it soon.

If you look up at an angle, you might see me hiking down the trail to the valley. I'm getting there, brother!

Eternal

January 10, 2005
7:09 pm
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Yeah brother Yeah!!!!! It's a Party down here. Do Not give her the upper hand to control you. Love her for who she was, back then. Hold that image in your heart and then move on.

"Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to what happens; not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes. It is a catalyst...a spark that creates extraordinary results."

~B~

January 10, 2005
7:30 pm
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eternaloptimist
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That is so true! I have been fortunate to keep a pretty high head through all this.

I know in my heart things will just continue to get better for me and my kids. They have taken this whole thing pretty well. You keep up the good work and please stay in touch with me.

Later,
Eternal

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