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Enough is Enough
July 5, 2005
6:58 am
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Big Jeezy
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If been dealing with my girlfriends alcoholism for too long, My family and I have tried everything to help her, we have managed to get her to see professionals for help but she won't get better. The other week we broke up and I sent her to her dads, I thought this might shock her into giving up the drink (it didn't) she came home and was acting very positive about stopping. She was exercising eating right and telling me all the time that she didn't need drink. The truth was she was still drinking, hiding it from me.

I came back from work yesterday and she was very happy, we carried on had a laugh, I thought everything was alright, then she strated to lose control. I had my suspitions that she had been drinking so I looked around the house, It wasn't long before I found some alcohol. I asked her why she did it when she knew what the risks were (health, loosing her job, loosing me, her house etc). All I got was "I haven't had a drink its not mine". I had enough I gave her plenty of chances to stop. I felt as though she did it deliberately to hurt me. So I sent her to her dads again. This time its for good and Im having a really hard time accepting this fact.

I really dont want to be with her anymore but I still love her more than anything in the world, I know she is at her dads now destroying herself again and I hate the thought, how can I get my mind off her?

How do you help someone who doesnt want help?. I am lucky I have lots of friends and family to talk to, she only has her dad who doesnt seem too bothered about her.

How can I free my mind and forget about her, please I need some advice Im hurting so much?

July 5, 2005
8:58 am
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CAMER
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hi Big...i used to go with an alocholic b4 too, and found him sneaking booze, and lying saying he was not drinking when he was. We went together for 3 1/2 years, and he could not stay sober for more than 3 months at a time.

First thing is for the alcohlic to admit they have a problem, and for THEM to want to get help, going to AA meetings, and finding a sponsor.

For YOU, attend Al anon meetings, Codependent meetings ( http://www.coda.org )
and take time to care for your needs and your wants, and let her do the same for herself.

I tried so hard to "help" my last bf beat the booze, but ended up losing,
cuz he wanted the booze more than me...or it seemed that way, he lost his job, license 2x, friends, apartment...etc....sometimes alocholics need to hit rock bottom and lose everything b4 they realize the damage they are doing to themselves and there loved ones.

Keep the focus on you, and attend lots of meetings & keep posting..you are not alone.

((camer))

July 5, 2005
9:02 am
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enoch
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how can I get my mind off her?
How do you help someone who doesnt want help?.
How can I free my mind and forget about her,
You can't.
please I need some advice Im hurting so much?
Sorry to be so cryptic. In pain there is growth. Straightforwardly, this is all about you. Your life, your decisions and your pain. So long as you keep your focus on helping someone who does not want it you will be frustrated, and yes, hurt... I, for example cannot make your pain go away, no matter how much I try. Your pain is telling you something valuable, why forget it? Think about it and see what you can learn from it.
And if you don't I will be hurt:>

July 5, 2005
9:12 am
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frayedknot
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Big

I had my first experience with a gf with a drinking problem (she is now my ex by her choice). It's such a difficult disease for all of us in the circle of an abuser. We soooo much want them to give it up and share the happy life we want to provide them. It's also a progressive disease. Mine wasn't hiding it, etc. and, barely admitted to having a problem. As my counselor told me, they operate on a different frequency than we do and we can't understand their behavior. She has a committed relationship to alcohol right now and she isn't ready to give it up for you. She has to give it up for herself. You have to let her go and either destroy herself or reach bottom and change for herself. It's best to stay away from her and leave her alone.. Move on with your life. Do things with other people to help keep her off your mind. I know how difficult it is. Keep posting and get some counseling for yourself.

Frayed

July 5, 2005
9:55 am
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exoticflower
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Big,

Why is your family so involved in controling your girlfriends health? No one can but her, and the more people that work togeather to, the more it becomes about control, not helping. If your family is so interested in being heavily involved in someones life, great, let them be involved in YOURS. You want support and help, let them give it to you, there is nothing you can do to help your ex now. You guys can take care of yourselves though, and clearly you have some issues with control, the natural ones that come with alcoholic relationships, of course, but there they are. You say you don't want to be with her, but that you love her more than anything--the two can not co-exist, I don't think, I think you are trying to cover your tracks for feelings that may make you seem less generous or wonderful or helpful than you are 'supposed' to be.

You say many times that you 'sent her to her dads'. That you 'gave her pleanty of chances'. And you feel she did it deliberately to hurt you...have you ever tried to understand the very real and scary disease of alcoholism?

My ex is an alcoholic, and I played these same search for proof and 'Oh, I love him, if only he could be the right person', and his family and he have been a lot like what you describe of yourself and your own even in these small ways about my own problems, to the degree of complete insanity really, quiet, false sinceraty insanity. He's not getting any better for his own sickness, no, but I am. He has a lot of family, and they have a lot of the same control problems. And she may not get better on her own, but the two of you must feed each others dysfunctional mentality. I am sure you can get to a place you want to be. It starts with being honest with yourself about YOURSELF, when you can do that and grow, you are in a better possition to start figuring out about others--not what you need to do about them, you can't do anything, and the obsessive need to is part of a codeps problem. I'm sorry to be so firm here, but this post really sends me back to a place I really identify with on both sides of the coin. I hope you feel better.

July 5, 2005
10:26 am
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exoticflower
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I never quite finished the thought I began there about 'sending' her to her fathers and giving her chances NOT to meet your needs for yourself but to do what you decided she was supposed to. The thought was...YOu don't see anything in these statements that concernes you about YOU? ( WHy do you need her to go to her fathers specifically? Because you go to YOUR family? Why could YOU not have left and gotten a new place, left her to figure out her own stuff and start figuring out yours? Alcoholism is hard on everyone, I am sure you have your own recovery to go through now.) These are controling things, I think, where you have 'given her her options' pretty much, where your family must be hers and live up to what a family is for you, that you must find proof of her lies about drinking even as you knew she was drunk, that it isn't enough to be hurt by her drinking, it has to be something about you and her trying to hurt you? Don't you feel like you are pushing yourself as the father figure, the diciplinarian? and I think that when I see that controling attitude in my ex and his family, what I realize is that they feel very OUT of control, even powerless. Looking back, I realize that they are all walking on eggshells with one another, proving how good and loving and in control they are all the time. I don;t know you or your family, but maybe there is something there you can take for yourself...at this point, it's ok for things to be about yourself, and if you are upset enough to reach out, maybe it is time to. I think if you can stop making decisions for another person, you will find it freeing to make them for yourself. You're taking on a lot of responsability that isn't yours, that no one but you needs taken on, I think. That's goota be hard, why do it?

July 5, 2005
10:46 am
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gazelle
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Wow, Exotic, you have just set off a lightbulb in my head ... eureka moment ... scales fall from my eyes & I see at long last my bf's codep behaviour with his ex (the alcoholic mother of his kids) & how bad it is for both of them! Mirror image as you described. Much to think about ... but THANKS a zillion! He & she still talk daily & text constantly, meet etc. I can't intervene 'cos their sons are still only 6 & 8. But I hate their mutually-perpetuating unhealthy behaviours of dependency & control & triggering ... sigh. Will copy this & keep it for future ref.
You are so right.

Hope you're doing well & feeling better. Much love, gazelle.

And many warm, supporting vibes to Big too, figuring out the best way forward. Let's be strong. Be honest. Be brave enough to risk change for the better.

July 5, 2005
12:43 pm
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Big Jeezy
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Thanks a lot for your advice guys, It always helps to hear from people going through or have gone through similar problems.

You have helped me answer a lot of my questions.

Thank You

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