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engaged 2 half years and threatens to leave me if i leave europe and go back to my home - america
September 28, 2008
3:46 pm
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angelawas
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some of you know my story, and its not too good at all.
married to a younger man ( 15 years jr ) im in my forties.
weve been living together for two and a half years, and he has broken off our engagement once and we went through a three month seperation at which point he cheated on me although we were still emotionally involved ( just not living together ) he then moved back after i forgave his shat and he promised never to cheat on me again, that he loved me more than his own life.
He put up another online profile, and i found he was talking to about a hundred plus women on msn ?( he had not closed his account ) and was jerking off online with them - i was sickened to my very core.
I threw him out into the street, literally, and he had no where to go. I took pity on him and he cried and promised he would never cheat on me again, and even wanted to marry me for real this time.
I believed him and things went well for about a year, but during that time i got pregnant and had a miscarriage due to stress of living with him, and finances.
Ive blamed him for the miscarriage, since i never had one before and some part of me believes it was because he never really showed any true happiness at my being pregnant, in fact he became abusive.
I was verbally abusive, back, and he says that i was hormonal and started most of the arguments of which he finished them.
Ive heard this before in my previous abusive ten year marriage to an alcoholic and i did everything to try to make that work, and i have done everything to try to make this work, thinking that perhaps i am the one whos mostly abusive and i need to change more than he does..
I just cant even get my head straight on this topic.

Im really upset now because ive stayed in europe for almost two years during which time ive gone through absolute hell. It has been so expensive, ive left my personal possessions behind, my adult children, my credit, my business, all to start anew here, with him in "his country" and i now feel financially, mentally and physically bankrupt, and im in arrears and in debt.
He cant make much money for us, he has no real education and very little work experience, i just cant depend upon him to really contribute much, and certainly not to support us...
On top of all this, ive just come to more than my limit with his moods. When hes out of cigarettes he becomes absolutely unstable and abusive like ive never seen anyone. Hes threatened to kill himself in the past when we are arguing and im talking about a seperation or whatever, and im just shocked. He will literally grab a belt and strangle himself in front of me until he turns blue..
Ive told him i want to go to return to my home country where i have credit, and can buy a home, a car and have a better quality of life there than here, plus i have no real pension contributions int his country - not that thats coming up real soon, but this country is getting me down along with his constant threats of leaving me if i leave here.
He was crying today, and i asked him to confide in me ( after we had been arguing all day ) and he stated "i dont want to lose you" and i asked him "Why are you saying that"and he states "because if you choose to go back to America" and i angrily state : "why arent you coming with me?" and he says " i hate it there"
who hates america?
I state: "well my adult children are there, i can buy a home there, i have a credit record there, i feel happier there, food is better there, im healthier there ( i get arthritic joint pain here ) etc..
HE says those are all selfish reason, you are only thinking of you. and I shockingly state "ive given this country two years and im close to being in the worst state ive ever been in my life!" I want to go home and get my personal possessions out of storage and begin a better life, if you are threatening to leave me, then you truly dont care fo rme or love me, you can sleep in the spare room from now on!"
We later talked a bit more, and i thought, there is only one way i would possibly even think of giving up america to making a life here, with this guy and that is if he commits to his wedding promise and marries me.
I give him this ultimatum, and he immaturely says " why, how would that change anything?"
im shocked and hurt to my core.
I truly am beginning to think that this guy may be after something other than my life and a future life together, as he has been leading me to believe.
I feel like im living with some sociopath right now. Am i being hormonal or can someone give me a "heads up" on this entire situation, please

September 28, 2008
4:29 pm
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suzieQ_85
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Well, i can only ask you: why are you even with this man now?

He threatens you, cheats on you(jerking off while talking to other women....still cheating!), he manipulates you(by saying that you are more important to him than his own life..which is not healthy in any way if it were true which i actually doubt is true).

Seriously, go back home! this guy has given you nothing but bad things and pain.

September 28, 2008
4:51 pm
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salt4u
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I think this man is crazy. You should go home to America and make a new life for yourself. This person is bringing you down. Why would you want to marry him? He sounds very narcissistic, depressed, possibly ADD and Bipolar, well anyways it sounds like he is mentally ill with an addictive personality. Instead of being an alcoholic he is a sex addict. Why stay with him and self destruct? Don't your kids want you to come back to America? They probably don't want you to bring him back either. Do they? Just think about how free you will be being miles and oceans away.

Be strong, and break away!

September 28, 2008
6:09 pm
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StronginHim77
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Whoa. Let me try and recap your situation.

This man has NEVER married you, (despite 2-1/2 years together and you sacrificially leaving your own country/culture behind for his benefit), cheated on you repeatedly, attacks you verbally, totally lacks empathy or compassion when you miscarry his child, does not financially provide for your needs and berates you for wanting to return to your Homeland where you can restore your credit, own a comfortable home, reclaim your stored belongings and rebuild the life you have put on hold for him?

There it is...in black and white. What would YOU advise another woman in your circumstances to do? Walk away from this selfish, probably narcissistic/sociopathic monster to recover her own identity and well-being, or remain with the sadistic, self-serving jerk, until she is utterly destroyed on every level: emotionally, financially and physically?

Gee...tough call.

- Ma Strong

September 28, 2008
6:42 pm
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fantas
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I say buy a one way ticket back home and let him do whatever he wishes to, once he figures out you are gone. Why do you need his permission to leave? Obviously, you are well aware of what isn't working in this relationship and still struggle to leave it, so I'm thinking while he may be a sociopath, you too must have a very low sense of self-worth. This you need to work on until you get to place where this kind of treatment from any anyone would cause you to run for the mountains, as soon as you see it. Otherwise, you will leave him and move onto another one. Have you considered therapy? If a time ever came when you can afford it, I'd really recommend a codependent treatment center for you. There are several in the USA.

You need to be where you can have support from people you know and love. Adjusting to a new culture is difficult even in the best and most exciting of times. To be going through this with this person and without support must be insane, which makes you one strong woman! Use that strength to help yourself get to a place you are completely happy to be. Keep posting!!!

September 29, 2008
2:55 am
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angelawas
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MAStrong, i know it sounds insane when you put it out like that, but i never had low self esteem, in fact im very confident "out there" I just dont understand how i could let myself get so low, im crying as i write this.
I just loved and still love this man, despite all of this.
I have no family support or love, and ive focused so much on him that i have no friends, either.
Im somewhat of a "loner" anyway, so I havent really seen this as unusual, but i truly understand its important to have support networks in place.
All of this starts in the way i was raised, and how no one ever cared whether i lived or died, pretty much.
Sure my mother says she loves me, but there is absolutely nothing in her actions past or present that would make me think that.
My father was an abusive nutcase, and im sure he was bipolar, i guess im just re-building my parental atmosphere with this guy.
I just truly hate this guy, but i feel comp-assion for him too - hes mentally ill, atleast that is what im truly beginning to think, now.
Im going to move back to the U.S and im not going to look back, thats for sure. Im going to get some counselling for myself, although ive had it before and havent been diagnosed with any mental illness, ive put myself in some sick relationships.
The first one, the guy was so mentally and physically abusive i fled from him for years while he stalked me down, and still would if he knew where i lived. The last one, the man was a cheating, ly ing alcoholic that i did and gave everything for.
And now, ...well , what a loser.
WHat the F is going on with me? I keep looking at me and thinking im the one who has to change otherwise i wouldnt be in this mess. I need to stop blaming them, but they are blaming me, and my family turns their back, and ..
Im just going to get what little money i can together, and see if i can get myself out and start fresh, never to look back and not to get into any relationship again for a while.
Im jsut this educated, wise, woman, and i feel like a fool for letting myself get so low.
ITs so sad, god be with me and thank you all for your help and eye opening advice.
I wish you all the best, for youve helped one person see the light...

September 29, 2008
6:53 am
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sad sack
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Hi,

I could not agree more with all of the advice you have received thus far.

Aside from all of the obvious disturbing information that you have presented, one thing really jumped out at me. I was so taken aback by your statement that the only thing that would keep you from coming back to America is if he was to ask you to marry him. WHAT???????

Would you actually consider marrying this guy after all you have shared? That is very disturbing. Why do you think things would be better if you were legally bound to this guy? You know that if he sees that you are serious about moving back to the states, he very well might ask that question. Please reconsider. This guy is bad news (and that is putting it very mildly). You sound as if you are being held prisoner. Please leave as soon as you are financially able (even sooner). Please. We are all rooting for you.

sad

September 29, 2008
7:25 am
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angelawas
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Sad Sack, i really would of married him, i was just testing him to see if he was being true about his marriage promise, it was a pathetic last attempt to find something good...dont worry, my whole world looks so different now, im pretty much in shock and have been grieving all day.

Ive already found strength, and thank you for rooting for me, i hope there are people rooting for you too, god bless

September 29, 2008
8:11 am
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CAMER
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"Im just going to get what little money i can together, and see if i can get myself out and start fresh, never to look back and not to get into any relationship again for a while"....do that, Angelawas.......i can't offer much more advice, basically this thread says it all, to get out and leave this man forever.

I wish you luck...camer

September 29, 2008
9:16 am
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soofoo
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It sounds like you are threatening to leave him. It also sounds like a good idea. It sounds also like there is a lot of emotional dependence here.

I am so sorry that you are hurting over your miscarriage.

September 29, 2008
10:21 am
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StronginHim77
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Your story sounds so much like my own. I kept getting tangled up with abusive alcoholics, men with mental (personality) disorders -- again, abusive -- rage-aholics...users...abusers of every sort. Why?

Because I was born into a family which never wanted me, hated me, abused me, raged at me, mistreated me. Ultimately, I emerged as a codependent adult. That's why I made all those poor relatonship/partner choices, willing to tolerate the intolerable, in exchange for crumbs of attention or "love."

The good news? We can actively treat and recover from our codependency. I strongly recommend that you keep posting on this site (MANY of us are codependents in varying stages of recovery), read up on the topic and get into personal therapy/counseling for codependency, as soon as you return to the States.

The best book on codependency is available online: CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beatty. That's a great place to start. I would also recommend Sandra Brown's book, HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN. Both will help you enormously..

Don't give up and don't BLAME YOURSELF. You didn't ask to be this way and you are on the brink of self-discovery and healing. Life can and WILL get better for you. Press on.

- Ma Strong

September 29, 2008
11:13 am
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angelawas
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Thank you all, such strong, smart women.

I told him today that i was done and wanted him to leave and he got very violent. He says he wont leave at all and has been threatening me and verbally abusing me all day, i dont know if its possible but I actually feel numb and without any love for him at all. I just feel dread now.

I dont know how i could love him. How can i just stop loving him like that? Im actually thanking god that I cant feel right now, or maybe im just in shock. I feel only fear, nervousness and disgust at the thought of him and im so nervous about him coming back. He does nothing to help me, and he says he will not even clean around the house. I jump when i hear a bump, i just wish with all my heart and soul he would leave.

Please pray with me that he just leaves, and finds someone else to vent his sickness upon. I truly feel now that i have been blind and this man is seriously unstable, and i have no intention of spending any more of my life, money or emotions on him.

I saw he stole some of my money out of my purse, and he punched my lap top that i let him use. I cant afford to have that damaged or i lose my income. I packed his things up and threw them out of my room into another room and told him to never come back in, and he said "stop me" He said this is my house too, i go where i want. He pays no rent and his name is not on the lease. HE has one bill in his name.

He wants to stay at home on the computer while i go out, and im afraid to leave my possessions where he might destroy them. I know he will probably start talking online again to some poor, unsuspecting idiot like i was.

pray with me please, thank you all for your support and for opening my eyes.

September 29, 2008
11:47 am
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StronginHim77
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We are here for you. Can you get police protection in the country you are in? In the States, you could contact a domestic violence hotline for immediate help. Is there an equivalent agency like DV over there?

It is important that you get him out of that house, physically. It you cannot accomplish that with police/legal support, then LEAVE. Gather up your important belongings and GET OUT. Your life may be at stake.

- Ma Strong

September 29, 2008
1:42 pm
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angelawas
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i just finished doing what you just suggested, and hes leaving, thank god.
Now the real work begins..

September 29, 2008
1:43 pm
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angelawas
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He took most of his stuff, but theres still some things left, ill put them out on the doorstep, god what a waste of 21/2 yrs

September 29, 2008
1:54 pm
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Shaney
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In the big scheme of things, 2-1/2 years is a drop in the bucket. You made mistakes and hopefully learned some lessons, so don't beat yourself up. Don't worry about the time lost - you've got many of years left to make things right for yourself. Keep moving forward, and don't look back this time. If you feel yourself getting weak, focus on the horrible life you had with him, and what he WAS, not what you had hoped he'd be. Drop the fantasy, and deal with reality now. Come back home and build a good life for yourself - maybe even repair some of the more important and lasting relationships in your life. Look ahead - life can be really good from here on out. Good luck :o)

September 29, 2008
1:59 pm
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CAMER
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well said (((shaney)).

I guess I can't say much more & this is a good start for you and I do like how Shaney said.....focus on the horrible life you had with him.....to me that is a postive thing, and stay away from the dreams and the what if's and could haves.

best of luck!!!

September 29, 2008
3:03 pm
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fantas
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((((Anglelawas))), Good for you!!! Let the rage help you keep him away and move you to a better and more healing place. We are here for you. I think putting his stuff on the front door is a great idea. Let him figure out who can mooch off of next. I'm so very proud of you and I admire you strength and courage!!! Keep us posted and be safe!!!

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